Coronavirus: Something To Make Us Smile

We’ll be posting the usual off – mainstream news updates later but the priority today is our need for something to make us smile.

Most of us are confused about the rules we’re supposed to follow during lockdown, and no one more so that the thick, blundering plod who seem to think they should be arresting people for buying non essential stuff like food, roughing up people who are sitting in their gardens, or kicking fron doors down and busting up illicit social gatherings of one person sitting alone in his house.

So here, courtesy of my Texan friend Vic Damico, is a concise summary of the rules, which makes what you can and can’t do clear as mud (slightly edited for UK readers.)

The Lockdown Rules:

1. Basically, you can’t leave the house for any reason, but if you have to leave for some reasons, then you can.

2. Masks are useless, but maybe you have to wear one, it can save your life but it is useless, but maybe it is mandatory as well.

3. Shops are closed, except for those that are open. which cannot accept cash. Also you cannot use your debit / credit card with your pin because PIN numbers spread the vaccine so if you are one of those smart arses who disabled their contactless feature to stop government agencies and Silicon Valley tech billionaires tracking you, you’re fucked.

4. You should not go to hospitals unless you have to go there. Same applies to doctors, you should only go there in case of emergency, provided you are not too sick.

5. This virus is deadly but still not too scary, except that if we don’t follow the rules it will actually lead to a global disaster.

6. Gloves won’t help, but they can still help.

7. Everyone needs to stay HOME, but it’s important to GO OUT but if you go out you might be arrested but you might be arrested at home for hosting a social gathering while alone.

8. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarket, but there are many things missing when you go there in the evening, but not in the morning. Sometimes.

9. The virus has no effect on children except for those it affects.

10. Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there…

11. You will have many symptoms when you are sick, but you can also get sick without symptoms, have symptoms without being sick, or be contagious without having symptoms.

12. In order not to get sick, you have to eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand and it’s better not to go out, well, but no…

13. It’s better to get some fresh air, but you get looked at very wrong when you get some fresh air, and most importantly, you don’t go to parks or walk. But don’t sit down, except that you can do that now if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant but also old or male).

14. You can’t go to retirement homes, but you have to take care of the elderly and bring food and medication.

15. If you are sick, you can’t go out, but you can go to the pharmacy.

16. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house, which may have been prepared by people who didn’t wear masks or gloves. But you have to have your groceries decontaminated outside for 3 hours. Pizza too.

17. Every disturbing article or scaremongering interview must start with ” I don’t want to trigger panic, but…”

18. You can’t see your older mother or grandmother, but you can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver.

19. You can walk around with a friend but not with your family if they don’t live under the same roof.

20. You are safe if you maintain the appropriate social distance, but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance.

21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours, no, four, no, six, no, we didn’t say hours, maybe days? But it takes a damp environment. Oh no, not necessarily.

22. The virus stays in the air – well no, or yes, maybe, especially in a closed room, in one hour a sick person can infect ten, so if it falls, all our children were already infected at school before it was closed. But remember, if you stay at the recommended social distance, however in certain circumstances you should maintain a greater distance, which, studies show, the virus can sometimes travel, maybe.

23. We count the number of deaths but we don’t know how many people are infected as we have only tested so far those who were “almost dead” to find out if that’s what they will die of but for everyone who dies, death will be recorded as coronavirus related because nobody wants to trigger panoc but  you have to be scared enough to follow the rules.

24. We have no treatment, except that there may be one that apparently is not dangerous unless you take too much (which is the case with ALL medications).

25. We should stay locked up until the virus disappears or until Bill Gates has implanted a microchip in your body developed a vaccine, but it will only disappear if we achieve collective immunity, so when it circulates again we will have to stay locked up in out homes forever and Bill Gates’ microchip will report us to the authorities if we don’t

MORE HUMOUR

BBC Comedy Boss Says Comedy Should Be Politically Correct Rather Than Funny

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After the head of BBC comedy Mark Allen commented that TV shows like Monty Python’s Flying Circus could not be made today because they were “too white, too posh and too politically incorrect” and that audiences were tired of the “metropolitan, educated experience” and craved sketch shows and sitcoms with a “sense of place” rather than “six Oxbridge white blokes.”

Ex Python John Cleese has defended the iconic comedy show, calling it “remarkably diverse for its time.”

Referring to Allen as the “head of social engineering,” Cleese defended the diversity credentials of Monty Python, joking that the show would meet the state-funded broadcaster’s diversity targets as it had a “poof” – referring to the late Graham Chapman – and “no slave owners.”

From its beginning in 1969, Monty Python’s Flying Circus ran as a sketch show of half – hour episodes until 1974 was followed up by a series of movies which have since become cult classics including Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Monty’ Python’s The Meaning of Life, and The Life of Brian, which lampoons the life of Jesus Christ, all of which it must be said, generate more laughter among the BBC’s beloved “16 to 24 demographic” that the parade of sad, self loathing losers paraded in the BBC’s current comedy output. These posh, ethnically and sexually diverse but monoculturally untalented millennials tend to take the stage, spout ten minutes of extreme left wing propaganda, five minutes of middle class angst and conclude with one of three standard punchlines: (1) Aren’t Conservatives horrible, (2) Isn’t Donald Trump horrible, (3) White people are all racists.

Surreal and absurdist in style, Monty Python often pushed the boundaries of what was acceptable at the time, in sketches featuring cross dressing and poking fun at Britain’s class structure.

In the movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail, which mocks Arthurian legend, class-conscious peasants of an “anarcho-syndicalist commune” discuss the merits of constitutionalism with a feudalist King Arthur.

The Life of Brian meanwhile, sees Eric Idle’s Stan, a member of anti-Roman independence movement the People’s Front of Judea, express his desire to “be a woman,” requesting from then on that he be called “Loretta” by his (“or her”) fellow revolutionaries.

Cleese,78, also  accused Allen of being “the latest in a long line who don’t really know what they’re doing,” at the BBC, recalling that executives at the corporation in the 1960s were skeptical of the Monty Python’s merits when the show was first pitched and aired. In the
Python era it was regularly the case that what was hated by authority was loved by the public, now it seems what is loved by authority is ignored by the public, while thirty year old shows on archive channels pull bigger audiences than the politically correct shite of the current output.

 

 

 

 

The inevitable outcome of politically correct thinking in politics

The Canadian Revenue Agency actually commented on this one.>

Something to ponder … but, worth a broad smile !
Amazing, but true, if you think about it! The importance of
accuracy in your tax return,

The CRA has returned the Tax Return to a man in Canada after he apparently answered
one of the questions.

In response to the question, ..”Do you have anyone dependent on you?”
The man wrote:

“2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million> crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 450 idiots in Parliament, thousands of ‘politicians’ and an entire group that call themselves ‘Senators’
The CRA stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.

The man’s response back to CRA was, … “Who did I leave out ?

RELATED POSTS:
The Road To Ruin

Elsewhere: [ The Original Boggart Blog] … Daily Stirrer …[Little Nicky Machiavelli]… [ Ian’s Authorsden Pages ]… [Scribd]…[Wikinut] … [ Boggart Abroad] … [ Grenteeth Bites ] … Ian Thorpe at Flickr ] … [ Tumblr ] … [Ian at Minds ] … [ Authorsden blog ] … [Daily Stirrer News Aggregator]

An Important Lesson For Do Gooders

submitted by an Author Of The Storm (In the book referred to in this article a Dickensian type character refers to the heroes as ‘authors of the storm’ having confused the title of the French story ‘Orphans of the Storm.’)

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It is a major embarrassment for the UK’s Labour party, the party of elitists, academics, lawyers and the kind of people who even though they do not know you at all are certain they know what is good for you better than you do yourself.

Once upon a time the Labour Party was a truly working class movement, men with cloth caps and vowels to hard they could cut concrete and strong women with almost invisibly thin lips and megalitic arses who got into politics to campaign for equal opportunities for all.

The the do – gooders, the pious, self righteous, holier-than-thou brigade jumped on the bandwagon (well their previous territory, religion was losing popularity faster than Ken Livingstone at a Bar Mitzvah,) and suddenly The Labour Party was no longer the party of the poor, the disadvantaged and the downtrodden, but had become the party of the hand wringing, breast beating guilt addicts who CARED about the working class and were determined to help them, whether the working class wanted the kind of help on offer or not.

And now the Labour Party, which was always opposed to prejudice against any minority groups except The Conservatives and The Liberals, found itself, because the do – gooders had enshrined love of minorities as one of the movements sacred cows, in positions where it felt obliged to support two separate minority groups that were united by a deep and long lasting mutual hatred.

Thus it was that the Labour Party found itself on the horns of a dilemma over anti – semitism. The Jewish communities of London, Manchester, Leeds and Liverpool had been one of the driving forces behind the rise of the Labour Party in the first half of the twentieth century and for that reason enjoyed a special place in Labour folklore. In recent years however, the gentle, secular Judaeism practiced in European nations has been the subject of a lot of suspicion because the Zionist (Jewish nationalist) attitude of Israel and their abominable treatment of the Muslim Palestinians living in Israel had led many people, and especially many Labour hand wringers, breast beaters and do gooders to blame all Jews for the actions of Israeli extremists (in much the same way as for most of the last 2000 yeas Christians blamed all Jews for the killing of Jesus (who probably didn’t exist but if he did and if he was crucified, was killed by the Romans because Pharisaic law had blasphemers stoned, while Roman law called for seditionist to be crucified). But I digress.

So now we have half the Labour Party supporting the Palestinians and saying what a bunch of cunts the Jews are (they mean Israelis and even that is not true because it’s a generalisation,) and the other half saying we should be nice to Jews because they have been oppressed and downtrodden.

The Conservatives are happy, the Lib Dems are happy, The Greens are happy and UKIP are happy. Labour? Well they are dopey, grumpy and probably sneezy, sleepy, and bashful. George Galloway thinks he’s Doc but few agree with him.

Even though I’m not a Labour supporter (and for the benefit of those with a binary mindset, that does not mean I’m a Conservative) I’ll pass on to the party some advice from Terry Pratchett’s novel Dodger:

“Mmmm, as I recall, if you go around telling people that they are downtrodden, you tend to make two separate enemies: the people who are doing the downtreading and have no intention of stopping, and the people who are downtrodden, but nevertheless — people being who they are — don’t want to know. They can get quite nasty about it.”

So there you have it. If Labour want to be a coherent party they need to dump the self rightousness, gag the do gooders and stop siding with minorities. The ordinary people who make up the majority have rights too. There’s no way of being on the right side of the Arab / Jewish problem, they’re all Semites so whichever side you are on you are being anti semitic against one lot or the other.

(FYI:- Semites, the children of Shem son of Noah are the people of the middle east; of his other two sons, the Hamites, children of Ham, populate north African and the Japhetites (Europeans [us] are the children of Japhet. That probably does not make any sense to you, it doesn’t to me, but to a lot of people apparently, it is so important it’s worth killing for.)

RELATED POSTS:

Elsewhere: [ The Original Boggart Blog] … Daily Stirrer …[Little Nicky Machiavelli]… [ Ian’s Authorsden Pages ]… [Scribd]…[Wikinut] … [ Boggart Abroad] … [ Grenteeth Bites ] … Ian Thorpe at Flickr ] … [ Tumblr ] … [Ian at Minds ] … [ Authorsden blog ] … [Daily Stirrer News Aggregator]

Exodus!

It’s getting so I can hardly be bothered now, but I vowed to keep this blog going to the end, so here’s a little item I found on facebook. It made me smile.

Say what you like about Trump, and I say he’s not in the same class as alan Sugar, he can’t be any worse that the warmongering insane arsehole who has been in the White House since 2008.

Avast Behind Shipmates It Be Talk Like A Pirate Day

Ahoy there, ye scum of scurvey laaaaandlubbers, think ‘ee old Black Jack don’t see ‘ee handing around in the shadows like a bilge rat’s bollocks. It be time to set sail across The Spanish Main and fill yer boots with doubloons and moidores. Ha – harrr bonny lads, and tell they European Union scum to heave to or we’ll keelhaul their scuppers.

Link to talklikeapirate home in case the embed frame does not work

Who Says Terrorist Don’t Have A Sense Of Humour

We usually think of terrorists as a pretty dour, intense lot of buggers, and that especially applies to those whose cause is defined by religious fanaticism. Thus nobody expects much irony, satire or parody from the ISIS fighters in the middle east. They do provide a kind of slapstick at times, but it is not intentional, so it is a surprise to find the movement does have a rather wonderful sense of Irony, as this story demonstrates.

ISIS Puts Captured Roman Amphitheatre Back Into Use as Venue for Execution as Entertainment

Source: The Independent

Good to see the Judean Peoples’ Front still talking the talk down there (Image source)

A Roman ampitheatre has been returned to its original use as a venue for public execution of prisoners before an audience. For the first time in many centuries, killing people has become a form of popular entertainment after ISIS forces captured the classical ruins at Palmyra.

The Syrian Observatory for Human Rights reports up to twenty prisoners, mostly captured Syrian soldiers who tried to defend the historic site from the Islamic State fighters were put to death before an audience of militants and locals. The human rights group states the people executed in the amphitheatre were among approximately 70 people executed in the area so far.

The 2,000 year-old amphitheatre is in the ruins of a city which is considered one of the most important architectural sites in the world.

The deliberate destruction caused to other ancient monuments captured by the Islamic State has caused widespread concern worldwide over the future of the UNESCO listed world heritage site at Palmyra.

Many relics of ancient middle eastern civilizations have been smashed with pneumatic drills and sledgehammers, blown up or bulldozed.

The execution of captive soldiers and criminals as a spectator sport was widespread in ampitheatres across the Roman world from the reign of emperor Augustus (31 BC – AD 14). Criminals were sometimes required to act in plays where characters were required to actually die on stage, while others were required to fight wild animals or trained gladiators.

What an arse.

Yesterday we featured a picture post of a billboard adverstising an Easter egg hunt. Anal Egg Hunt, the wording said. Cue tasteless jokes and ribald banter.

An unfortunate error you might well think, but was it? In view of this story we have to wonder just WTF was going to be happening in the course of that Anal egg hunt. Or is it a case of Some people will do anything to get in the Guinness Book Of Records.

arse-of-easter
Click image for larger view

The story of this arsehole’s stunt will not put us Boggart Bloggers off Cereme Eggs of course. We have’t touched the things since Kraft took over Cadburys and swapped the original filling for a fondant of sweetened Dairylea. (Source: Sunday Sport)

Is Spelling Important

I see lots of arguments in threads, particularly on writers’ sites, that say spelling is not important and a lot of people are too fussy. Now though I’m quite good at spellings I do admit to being less than meticulous in proof reading my work for errors.

So is spelling important or something only pedantic people get worked up about. Look at the picture then answer my question below it (apparently it is from a short story posted online) .

AND THE QUESTION:
Did he fart a lot in bed or were there skidmarks.

ARSE!

Things in the news have been a bit heavy for a few days, ISIS and the Yazidi in Iraq, worsening tensions in Ukraine (how can they still be getting worse), HAMAS and the Israelis going at it in Gaza, Ebloa going viral in west African and even on the celebrity blogs we have the sad news of Robin Williams premature demise. He leave us a catalogue of great films but a true comic genius can never be replaced.

And then there’s all the rest of it. The economy isn’t improving because the recovery is just statistical trickery, in spite of the warmageddonists cries that three hot days showed they were right and we are all going to fry, summer seems to have come to an early end, we’re still in the EU and the Liberal Democrats have not disbanded yet.

Still, who has time to be serious? Watch this.