We’ll be posting the usual off – mainstream news updates later but the priority today is our need for something to make us smile.
Most of us are confused about the rules we’re supposed to follow during lockdown, and no one more so that the thick, blundering plod who seem to think they should be arresting people for buying non essential stuff like food, roughing up people who are sitting in their gardens, or kicking fron doors down and busting up illicit social gatherings of one person sitting alone in his house.
So here, courtesy of my Texan friend Vic Damico, is a concise summary of the rules, which makes what you can and can’t do clear as mud (slightly edited for UK readers.)
The Lockdown Rules:
1. Basically, you can’t leave the house for any reason, but if you have to leave for some reasons, then you can.
2. Masks are useless, but maybe you have to wear one, it can save your life but it is useless, but maybe it is mandatory as well.
3. Shops are closed, except for those that are open. which cannot accept cash. Also you cannot use your debit / credit card with your pin because PIN numbers spread the vaccine so if you are one of those smart arses who disabled their contactless feature to stop government agencies and Silicon Valley tech billionaires tracking you, you’re fucked.
4. You should not go to hospitals unless you have to go there. Same applies to doctors, you should only go there in case of emergency, provided you are not too sick.
5. This virus is deadly but still not too scary, except that if we don’t follow the rules it will actually lead to a global disaster.
6. Gloves won’t help, but they can still help.
7. Everyone needs to stay HOME, but it’s important to GO OUT but if you go out you might be arrested but you might be arrested at home for hosting a social gathering while alone.
8. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarket, but there are many things missing when you go there in the evening, but not in the morning. Sometimes.
9. The virus has no effect on children except for those it affects.
10. Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there…
11. You will have many symptoms when you are sick, but you can also get sick without symptoms, have symptoms without being sick, or be contagious without having symptoms.
12. In order not to get sick, you have to eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand and it’s better not to go out, well, but no…
13. It’s better to get some fresh air, but you get looked at very wrong when you get some fresh air, and most importantly, you don’t go to parks or walk. But don’t sit down, except that you can do that now if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant but also old or male).
14. You can’t go to retirement homes, but you have to take care of the elderly and bring food and medication.
15. If you are sick, you can’t go out, but you can go to the pharmacy.
16. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house, which may have been prepared by people who didn’t wear masks or gloves. But you have to have your groceries decontaminated outside for 3 hours. Pizza too.
17. Every disturbing article or scaremongering interview must start with ” I don’t want to trigger panic, but…”
18. You can’t see your older mother or grandmother, but you can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver.
19. You can walk around with a friend but not with your family if they don’t live under the same roof.
20. You are safe if you maintain the appropriate social distance, but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance.
21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours, no, four, no, six, no, we didn’t say hours, maybe days? But it takes a damp environment. Oh no, not necessarily.
22. The virus stays in the air – well no, or yes, maybe, especially in a closed room, in one hour a sick person can infect ten, so if it falls, all our children were already infected at school before it was closed. But remember, if you stay at the recommended social distance, however in certain circumstances you should maintain a greater distance, which, studies show, the virus can sometimes travel, maybe.
23. We count the number of deaths but we don’t know how many people are infected as we have only tested so far those who were “almost dead” to find out if that’s what they will die of but for everyone who dies, death will be recorded as coronavirus related because nobody wants to trigger panoc but you have to be scared enough to follow the rules.
24. We have no treatment, except that there may be one that apparently is not dangerous unless you take too much (which is the case with ALL medications).
25. We should stay locked up until the virus disappears or until Bill Gates has
implanted a microchip in your body developed a vaccine, but it will only disappear if we achieve collective immunity, so when it circulates again we will have to stay locked up in out homes forever and Bill Gates’ microchip will report us to the authorities if we don’t