The Nerds Are Taking Over The World – We Did Warn You.

The SxSW festival in Austin, Texas used to be a music, specifically a rock festival. Then like Glastonbury commercial interests began to muscle in. Gradually the musicians were all but driven out and now the nerds have taken over.

Nerds can be identified by several characteristics; one, though it is easy to be deceived by their bad haircuts and body odour issues they are not chaotic, shambolic people but dangerous control freaks; two, once they have hold of a bad idea they will cling to it more tightly than a pit bull clinging to a postman’s leg; three, given a sniff of power they turn into world domination freaks; four, they do not recognise the line between good business practice and fascism; five, neither do they recognise the line between reality and fantasy.

Reading up on this year’s SxSW I find that for many nerds and geeks
(a lesser species like donkey are to horses or gekkos to investment bankers) the boundary between ‘real life’ and ‘online’ has now bcome so blurred it may as well not exists.

South by Southwest Interactive, a component of the festival rather than a sideshow, is probably the world’s biigest gathering of nerds, geeks and Bond villains who, operating from a high tech headquarters in the magma chamber of an extict volcano somewhere in the Pacific Caldera ( venture capitalists as the mainstream media likes to call them), plan to take over the world and turn us all into unthinking automatons.

These people plan to change the way you live, the way you think. They hate being human and would rather be robots and they want you to be a robot too. When they speak it does not sound anything like a human conversation.

WTF is your “user experience”. If they mean spending a bit of time browsing the web why not just say so? Is “the gamification of healthcare” an attempt to write a zap the cancer tumour adventure in which players run through Lara Croft’s intestinal tract looking for a malignant polyp or do online diagnisticians compete to empty you bank account?

Since when have real people talked of “geofencing”? Or “design thinking”? Or “open source government”? What is “content strategy”? It all starts to sound like a corporate brainstorming session in which all the participants are just coming down from a mega-acid-trip.

One of the world’s leading content strategists tried to explain his area of special skill to an interviewer. “Well, from one perspective, I guess,” he said, “it’s kind of everything.”

Here lies the main obstacle to understanding where technology is heading to at breakneck speed. The nerds who are driving the juggernaut don’t even understand themselves when they talk in such jargon and they certainly are not looking at the road ahead as thy swing the steeting wheel wildly and keep the pedal right down to the metal.

Their goal is that all human activity will take place online, that our computers will change from being tools we use to being extensions of ourselves and eventually to being our selves.

Remember while computer scientists have been claiming for forty years they were on the verge of building a machine that is consciousness can think for itself (and for forty years failing at every attempt because they don’t understand human consciouness) the nerds of the gaming consoles and gadgets industry which these days passes for information technology already believe that our machines are smarter than us.

Anyone who has wrestled with a Windows Vista system will know how profoundly fuckwitted a human would have to be in order for a computer to be smarter.

The Intesity of the twentysomethings who floc to the Austin Convention Centre, and wander around in a trande like state juggling coffee cups, iPad 2s and the festival’s full Oxford English Dictionary sized schedule of events, can seem vaguely intimidating. They are no longer content with transforming that part of your life you spend at your computer, or even on your smartphone. They want you control your life, or your biosphere experience as the nerd who has just taken out a patent on your mind (customized life software) might put it.

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Nerds who have recognised they have an issue with technology addiction, given their lives to a higher power and entered Boggart Blog’s 12 step program may find it helpful to read the longer version of this, I Am Not A Computer at the main Greenteeth Site.

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It’s Official! Apple iPad Owners Are Twats

A survery crried out among Apple iPad owners by Facebook (very reliable then) has shown that people who buy Apple iPad -readers / tablet computers / self esteem in a silver box gadgets tend to be intelligent but not as intelligent as they think they are / smug / elitist / condescending / emotionlly needy.

Twats in other words.

Apple techynology fans have dismissed the survey saying the organisers interpretation of the data was subjective. Boggart Blog say subjective it may be but only because people who are not obsessed with Apple gadgets can’t help but know Apple addicts are twats.

If you fancy a e-book reader but are not stupid, vain, status obsessed or a technically illiterate, publicity hungry celebrity learn about really good e-book readers that cost far less than the Apple iPad. Amazon Kindle and Sony e-reader head the list.

A guide to the best e book readers
iPad Will Not Rewrite The Book

The Worm In The Apple iPhone 4

At Boggart Blog we make no bones about it, we do not intend you to take us seriously. It is always a tad upsetting then when people do insist on taking us seriously and especially so when those people are fans of Apple Technology. Apple fans behave like Scientologists and like Scientologists hate it when people make fun of their bizarre behaviour which really amounts to the deification of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Apple fans justify themselves by citing technological excellence, design excellence, excellence of Apple technology and a really cute logo as reasons for buying the products they buy. In reality they buy Apple because they are gullible enough to be convinced by media hype, charmed by the fact that their little grey box is only distinguished from millions of other little grey boxes on the market by it’s cutesy-pie little logo and nerdy enough to enjoy the status of being one of a community of nerds who are so desperate to be members of any community they will pay twice the going rate for a little grey box because it’s descriptor has a little “i” in front of it. iPhone, iPod, iPad, iMac, iPlonk, iDiddle-di-do and so on. It is unlikely then that Apple Cultists will be put off by Apple’s latest debacle.

The company has finally admitted it forgot to check its new mobile phone worked before shipping millions of them to shops around the world. In true Apple “glass is half full” style Apple has not said in so many words “You got us bang to rights, it’s a fair cop, the new iPhone is a piece of junk. Oh no, that would not fit comfortably alongside Apple’s corporate PR policy. The company has advised owners of the new iPhone4 that the device should function normally as long as they do not try to hold it with their hands.

An Apple spokesperson said: “Look, what are these whining shits going on about, there are lots of disabled people out there can hold a pen, eat sandwiches, send text messages on their phone and even comb their hair using their feet. Why can’t able bodied people master those very basic skills and use their new iPhone the way it was meant to be used. As a Corporation we have decided to focus in future on foot held products as they are hugely efficient, leaving the hands free for other, more important and profitable tasks.”

Apple CEO Steve Jobs, a man whose entire career has been built on finding increasingly original ways of avoiding an admission that his company’s products are overpriced shite insisted there is nothing wrong with the new iPhone and people are experiencing problems because they are holding it wrongly.

Like with their hands Stevie?

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Apple iPad Will Not Rewrite The Book

Amid much hype Steve Jobs the world’s top celebrity CEO launched the latest gadget from Apple. Apple addicts were thrilled to the core but will the new gadget for reading e-books ever replace Johannes Gutenberg’s big idea?

It almost moved me to poetry: Here, in the style of E.J. Thribb is my initial reaction.

And so, Jobs
in an era of no jobs
you have given us the iPod,
a computer without keyboard
or knobs.

Hmm, quite promising that. I might try to finish it sometime.

The iPad is a rather late entry into the e-reader market which is already looking overcrowded. With offerings from Amazon, Sony, BeBook, iRiver, Bookeen, Elonex and a few others (e book readers, reviews) already competing for market share it’s possible there are more e – book readers than there are e books to read on them.

The iPad will sell of course, Apple are the Michael Jackson of technology manufacturers, they make mediocre products that engender a kind of fiercely defensive attitude usually only found among followers of crackpot religious cults. Telling an Apple geek they could have bought a piece of kit that would do much more so much better for half the price is like telling a Scientologist L Ron. Hubbard was a con man.

No matter how many versions of the iPad Apple decide to release, the faithful will buy them all just as Michael Jackson fans used to buy the same album over and over again because it kept being re-released in a different cover.

Beyond the precincts of the Apple cult’s compound however, among those not in thrall to the Pontifex Maximus Jobs, high priest of the God “i” how well received will the iPad be? Will it be the gadget that finally kills Gutenberg’s technology? To be honest we doubt it, the iPad will find a niche within the niche of the gadget addict market occupied by e book readers but would a serious reader want to read a volume of fiction or non fiction or a collection of favourite poems on a device the name of which makes them think of female personal hygiene requisites.

More humour and satire every day from Boggart Blog