Life’s Greatest Mystery

Among a list published today of the great mysteries of life that puzzle us feeble humans, rubbing shoulders with conundrums like hob big is the universe, is there a god, does life have any meaning, is there a fundamental particle that holds matter together, why did Jennifer Grey have that effin’ nose job, who put the ding in rama lama ding dong, does anyone know what the Large Hadron Collider is supposed to do and who ate all the pies is the question of what do women see in Russell Brand.

Now this is not a question that has ever troubled me. Living in the north I have never met a woman who sees anything in Russell Brand. The nearest was one of my daugter’s friends who said “Sometimes he’s nearly a bit funny.”

Actually Boggart Blog though Brand had married Jonathan Ross and buggered off. Sadly not.

This question’s appearance in the list does highlight one serious issue however. That of the widening cultural divide between people to the south of that imaginary line from the Severn to the Trent.

Up in the north here we still like comedians who tell jokes. They need not have beer bellies od dinner jackets and bow ties, but we like humour to be delivered in packets that have the structure of a joke, anecdote or comic monologue.

In the south the new wave of comedian (with the exception of Jack Whitehall and Mickey Flanagan) are unfunny middle class kids who stand on stage for an hour mumbling introspectively about how they hate themselves, all their mates and relatives and their middle class background. Except for Marcus Brigstock who is just a twat.

What we have here is the tragic humour of the clown, the grotesque, the freak. Clowns are not funny, they are tragic, their faces hideous masks, their baggy trousers and oversized shoes serving only to accentuate their clumsiness and ineptitude. But a certain kind of person laughs at clowns because the clown’s tragedy is their tragedy.

In a world controlled by advertising and propaganda, the world inside the M25 for example, on Planet Metrosexual only perfection is accepatable. So everybody, and when I say everybody I think we all know I mean Guardian readers because they are so self absorbed they don’t know anyone else exists, falls short of their target. So they feel inept and clumsy because they are not perfect and they feel grotesque because they are not anorexic and they feel inadequate because they are not the CEO of Barclays Bank. And they hate themselves for all of it.

Russell Brand’s appeal to women lies in this self hatred. Self haters are prone to addiction and the self hating metrosexual women, addicted to chocolate and Chardonnay, white wine, throwing up, the gym, shopping and Sex-and-the-City identify with Russell Brand because he talkes about his self hatred and addictions, to drugs, sex, wanking, taking about his addictions, taking aboutr sex, talking about wanking and most of all his unhappiness. These silly bints think he will understand them and they can make him happy.

The women who rate Brand sexy are of a certain type (sic) I can’t see Essex girls going for Brand, they like someone with a bit more muscle. Norhern girls certainly don’t because they think all southerners are wusses.

Right so that’s Russsell Brand sorted. Next, the meaning of life.

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Science world awaits CERN announcement on Higgs boson. World Yawns.

I did think of calling this post “Faith, Theoretical Particles and the Priests Of The New Physics”

Physicists working at the Cern laboratory in Geneva have summoned colleagues from around the world to a special seminar where they will announce their latest findings. Although they will stop short of claiming a definitive scientific discovery, their data is understood to point towards the existence of the sought-after Higgs Boson – dubbed the “God particle.” If the hints in the results are later proven correct, it would confirm a theory first proposed in 1964 by Peter Higgs at Edinburgh University and provide the final piece of evidence for the Standard Model, which explains how matter is composed.

The secrecy surrounding the results is such that the two separate groups searching for the subatomic particle have not been told what each other’s results show. This means there is still a great deal of uncertainty – even among the physicists leading the search for the elusive particle – how strong the evidence for or against its existence is. Yes, you read that right, uncertainty. They boys with cone shaped heads are getting excited over the fact that they haven’t proved the Higgs Boson does not exist. Why does this excite them? All will become clear if you read on.

While a lot of scienceheads are grizzling that the media insist on calling the Higggs Boson The God Particle tey are, are they not, displaying a quasi – religious faith in something the existence of which can neither be proved or disproved.

Look at this: Prof Jon Butterworth, head of the British section of the ATLAS team, said yesterday: “We know what results we have got and we are excited, but on their own ours would not even be particularly compelling as evidence – it depends that the bigger picture looks like when we know what the other guys have got.” Staff have been told by Cern’s director-general, Rolf-Dieter Heuer, that the teams will stop short of announcing a discovery but Prof Butterworth said the results could mark the beginning of the end for the experiment with a conclusive result expected next year.

He said: “It is certainly a massive step in the end game of the Higgs hunt. This will be a major step forward and the Higgs will either have even less places to hide or it will look like the answer. “Now we are seeing the textbooks being written, and we don’t know what is going to be on the next page.” An admission then that if they have found anything at all, they don’t have the first clue what it is.

How many times have the boy scientists got all excited before only to find the tiny burst of energy registering on their sensors were nothing at all? One previous “discovery” at CERN turned out to be the pull exerted by the moon’s gravitional field on the surface of Lake Geneva that causes the lake’s tiny tide. So this latest excitement could easily be caused by the shock waves from a cockroach farting somewhere in the tunnel.

And as some science worshipper is bound to ask do I understand the prrpose of the LHC project I’ll pre emp the question. “What is the purpose of the Large Hadron Collider? Simples, it is to extend the free ride of a bunch of otherwise unemployable nerds on a taxpayer funded gravy train.

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!tihS hO

So Ian has already said his thank-yous and goodbyes on the eve of the switch on of the Large Hadron Collider. Is it called a ‘Large Hadron Collider’ because of its size or because of its capacity or because of the size of the hadrons which are going to collide in it?
Or perhaps it had something to do with a comedian from Lancashire who used to form a double act with another comedian surnamed Little? And why not, when a former band member of D’ream was involved, who knows how far the Lancastrian input could reach?
Perhaps the first thing it will do is answer this question for me.
Anyway, as we avidly await this exciting and, let’s face it, possibly final, moment in the earth’s history many people are beseiged by doubts about what will actually happen.
Me, I wasn’t bothered until the scientists started saying that there was only a teensy-eensy-ickle possibility that things might not turn out as they anticipate.
I’m far too much of a young slip of a thing to remember atom bomb detonations and nuclear power plant turn-ons but I’m damn sure the scientists never, ever considered that something might go wrong, and if they did they never shared it with anybody.
But what happens if we do get sucked into a black hole of our own making? Will we get spat out at the other side into a parallel world where everyone is walking…
?sdrawkcab gniklat dna

!lleps ot woh nrael reven lliw sdik eht woN !tihs hO

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