Fight! In The Coalition! Fight!

Rumours of a split in the coalition continue to proliferate. Labour party figures and left leaning media people are frantically trying to cause a split between Conservative and Liberal Democrat coalitionists (as if Labour could do any better now than before they were thrown out)

The lefties are barking up the wrong tree as usual. Even as a rumour that former Lib Dem leader “Champagne” Charlie Kennedy was about to defect to Labour (did thy think offering him the leadership would tempt him?) was being dismissed we heard there is more substance in stories of a ferocious row developing between Chancellor George Osborne and benefits minister Iain Duncan Smith over cuts to the welfare budget.

Ferocious? A row between IDS and Osborne?

Can you imagine a feather duster and a powder puff having a fight?

NHS loony pfi spending

When David Met Angie (Cameron and Merkel – the real story)

David Cameron had his first meeting as Prime Minister with German Chancellor Angela Merkel this week. Frau Merkel has previously been unimpressed with Dave’s leadership of the British Conservatives and particularly with some of the oddball right wing groups he has allied his party to in the European Parliament. On top of that a recent statement from Cameron to the effect that Britain was not going to stump up a single penny towards the 1 trillion Euro bailout of the Eurozone basket case economies because as former Labour finance minister Liam Byrne’s note informed his successor, “There is no money left” has not been well received by our EU partners.

We heard from our mole in the Bunderstag that before the meeting Mrs. Merkel was saying “This is going to be a very honest and candid partnership.

Well no doubt Dave could rely on the innate good manners, charisma and aristocratic breeding to charm the suburban hausfrau and rather straight laced daughter of a Lutheran pastor who is the most powerful politician in Europe.

Unfortunately Dave has been convinced by the oiks in the Conservative – Liberal Democrat coalition that the elitist aloofness in not going to cut it abroad and he should go for the common touch when dealing with world leaders from less privileged backgrounds. Not only would this fool Johnny or Johnnyess Foreigner into thinking Cameron regarded them as his social equal, it would play well at home with his own party members’ deep rooted xenophobia and appeal to working class voters who mistrust anything to do with the EU.

When Frau Merkel told the Prime Minister she expected Britain to pull its weight in the EU in order to help the community ride out the current economic storm and build a new stability in the Union because German voters felt it was unfair their country should bear the brunt of bailing out failed economies we felt Dave might have overdone the common touch thing a bit when he replied:

WHO ARE YER, WHO ARE YER?
TWO WORLD WARS AND ONE WORLD CUP,
TWO WORLD WARs AND ONE WORLD CUP

Conservative Lib Dem Coalition In A Quick Return To Control Freakery

How long has it been since the new Coalition For Change government took office with David Cameron of the Conservatives and Liberal Democrat Nick Clegg promising a “new way of doing politics”? A week? Slightly more or less maybe?

Whatever, it has not taken long to get back to business as usual. News from Westminster says in a bid to impose Thought Police style “orthodoxy” (i.e. unthinking obedience) on the traditionally unruly right wing of his Conservative Party Prime Minister David Cameron has banned the 1922 committee of reactionary and revisionist Tory – boy MPs from holding their weekly meetings without having a government minister present to ensure they toe the line.

One of the time honoured customs of this right wing Conservative group is that they enjoy a feast of char – grilled proletarian baby washed down with fine claret as they discuss new ideas for oppressing the poor. Government ministers would quickly spot the potential for adverse publicity in such activities so naturally our right wing guardians of all that is right and proper are a bit miffed about the new rule.

So miffed are they in fact that one senior right winger warned Cameron, “Remember O Caesar, thou art but mortal.”

Compare that with “Shut the fuck up you miserable one eyed Scots git,” and we quickly understand the differences between the new government and the Labour lot they succeed are more of style than substance.

RELATED POSTS:
When David Met Angie

More humour every day from Boggart Blog

Two Arses To Kick For The Price Of One.

A new government has taken office, the Con – Lib coalition. We will give them the rest of the week to get their favourite posters, gonks, coffee mugs bearing the slogan “You don’t have to be mad to work here but it helps,” pens, worry beads, pictures of wifey or hubby and the kiddiewinks, and all the other nick nacks that make office life bearable arranged to their liking.

Then we shall lay into them.

Meanwhile we professional piss takers and satirical bloggers have some serious tasks to perform too. The first is to come up with derogatory nicknames for our new leaders.

Starting from the top we look first to the Downing Street double act. The Chuckle Brothers?

Election Explodes Oxbridge Myth

Evan as the wrangling over what kind of government we will have is continuining between Liberal Democrat, Conservative and Labour negotiators in the Whitehall political village some interting insights into the development of British society are emerging from the election results.

For eaxample it has long ben an ambition among parents of all social classes and income groups that their children should go to one of the great Universities, Oxford or Cambridge. An Oxbridge education has been considered the first step en route to a glittering career.

Unfortunately analysis of the election results has shown that of the 231 newly elected MPs heading for Westminster 160 went to Oxford or Cambridge. This represents around 70%.

What devastating news that must be for parents who have made personal sacrifices to help their chldren get to one of those colleges. If they get an Oxbridge degree the only job they will be qualified for is politics.

Unless of course they widen their options by taking a post grad course in MacOlogy

Cameron Seduces Clegg Well they are both publlic schoolboys, if you know what I mean.

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Not much point voting in election pantomime

That’s right, no point in voting, its a forgone conclusion following the clownish antics of other candidates Labour will hold the seat.

How can Ian say there is not much point in voting in this, the most exciting election in years? you might well ask.

Well it’s like this. The Lib Dems have been defunct in this constituency for years, ever since the Labour breakaway Dems were added to the Libs and all us old Libs left because we didn’t like Labour’s authoritarian streak. So though there is a candidate there are no canvassers, no leaflet deliverers and nobody to offer the Candidate a cup of tea when he has made the arduous drive from Skipton only to be told “This is a local constituency for local people, there’s nothing for you here.”

But surely in view of the current anti Labour mood gripping the nation the Conservatives might have chance of winning you say. Does the prospect of seeing a Labour MP tipped out not stir my blood a little?

Ahem, oh dear. The Conservatives. Accrington Conservatives…

The man who planned to win the seat for the Conservatives, councillor and Christopher Biggins Pantomime Dame lookalike Peter Britcliffe has wanted to be MP forever. He wanted it Simon, he really really wanted it, if he did not get through to the final round of voting his life would be over because nobody had ever wanted anything so much.

Well unfortunately while Dame Britcliffe was just wanting it so much he failed to notice everybody hates him. Conservative Central Office did not fail to notice however, perhaps their mole in the constituency told them of Dame Britcliffe’s gandiose but utterly loony schemes to “put Accrington on the map.” Schemes like having a HOLLYWOOD style sign saying ACCRINGTON on the hill that overlooks the town or building a repica of Maiden Castle, the great Celtic earthwork in Dorset, atop the same hill. Dame Britcliffe was sure people would come from miles around to see his “panopticon” and thus oblivious of the fact that it could only be seen from a light aircraft or while hang gliding.

The people of Accrington have not forgotten these things. Everyone thinks we’re a load of twats because of that effing milk advert without saddling us with a notice that reminds everyone to say:
“Accrington Stanley, who’re they?”

The Conservatives decided to parachute in another candidate, one who is clinically sane.

Dame Peter was not going to take this lying down. He prompltly resigned from the Conservatives election committee and threatened to stand as an Independent Conservative. All his cronies with whome he had packed the election committee and the local party management also resigned leaving the Conservative candidate without any backup team.

Eventually Panto Party Candidate Britcliffe decided not to stand, perhaps because he could not find ten people to sign his nomination form but The Conservatives like the Lib Dems have ben unable to campaign effectively.

Having said that, when I looked in on the election website of the Accrington Observer I found the Greens did not know if they had a candidate or not, the English Democrat candidate thinks he’s The Duke Of Wellington, the BNP candidate has trouble spelling his own name and the UKIP candidate does not know we lost the empire. It was a surprise therefore to see in a random poll of visitors to the site, those who could be arsed clicking the box had the Conservatives leading by 5% with Lib Dems only 2% behind Labour.

Separated at birth Peter Britcliffe and Christopher Biggins: But which is the wannabe MP and which is the Panto Dame

biggins_main_image p_brit

Christopher Biggins image from Biggins Panto

In the interests of fairness I should post a link to Peter Britcliffe as well but he’s a twat so I’m not going to.

Epitaph For New Labour

Permatan Pete Swings The Election For Tories

Throughout the past two months we have written much more about Labour than the Consevatives. There are several reasons for this; primarily the Conservative have managed to keep their No. 1 comedy turn Boris Johnson away from cameras and microphones. Also, as we have said before all Lord Snooty and His Pals had to do was keep their heads down and enjoy the slow motion train wreck that was the end time of Gordon Brown’s government.

Today, with les than 48 hours to go before polls open, Labour’s Ronseal Man, Peter “Permatanned Pete” Hain has totally vindicated our stance. Not long ago on Little Nicky Maxhiavelli we reported Permatan Pete was telling voters they must not vote Lib Dem as a vote for the Liberal Democrats was a vote for the conservatives.

Today however, with poll figures in marginal seats looking disastrous for Labour we hear, Hain is telling Labour voters they must vote Lib Dem.

So Lib Dem voters must vote Labour and Labour voters must vote Lib Dem? Surely that would put Labour in the Liberal Democrats traditional third place?

And these people want us to believe they are fit to govern us.

Meanwhile Ed Balls falls foul of Little Nicky Machiavelli

Who Will Get The Droid Vote

Catching up on the final party leaders’ election debate because we were overwhemed yesterday with the response to our free “How To Be A Bigot” DIY guide. (OK I was at the garden centre getting stuff to repair the disaster of our garden after that effing winter)

So what did we make of the wannabe Prime Ministers in the final of Britain’s Got Talent(less twats)

How many of you for example thought the Conservatives David Cameron looked like Data from Star Trek, The Next Generation. And the similarities did not stop at looks … if you know what I mean.

Meanwhile the usually humourless Gordon Brown cracked the best joke of the campaign so far when he said, totally deadpan, “I am the only one who can keep the economy on track. Labour governments just don’t understand economics do they?

Liberal Democrat contender Nick Clegg’s rather lacklustre performance caused some raised eyebrows. Had he been paid to take a dive or, like British tennis players at Wimbledon was he weighed down by the burden of expectation?

Or was it poerhaps that Vince Cable had finally explained to him how fucked the economy really is?

More humour every day from Boggart Blog

MORE ON THE ELECTION AT:
Little Nicky Machiavelli
Election 2010 round up

Clegg To Make Cancer A Crime?

Oo-er missis, we’re in Frankie Boyle territory

As we await with bated breath for the third and final party leaders’ debate which may well influence the outcome of the election and thus who will lead the nation for the next four years we picked up one news item from earlier in the week that suggests Liberal Democrat Nick Clegg might be planning to ambush his opponents Cameron and Brown with some surprise policy commitments.

Mr. Clegg gave a hint while down in Dorset visiting a children’s hospital cancer unit. We are not sure what terrible deeds the children had done to bring this upon themselves, you’d think having cancer was enough for anyone to endure. Still the only thing more certain to tug voters’ heartstrings than an underpaid nurse or an impoverished pensioner huddled over a single bar electric fire eating a bowl of thin gruel it is sick children especially if they have large limpid eyes like kids in late pre – Raphaelite paintings. Thus when any election campaign shows signs of flagging politicians cynically head for the nearest children’s hospital.

Clegg was not there just for the limpid-eyed-child related photo opportunity however, he had something important to tell us. In the absence of any convincing policies to deal with the collapse of the Eurozone, unemployment or climate chaos he wanted to unveil the Liberal Democrats policy on cancer.

“Under a Liberal Democrat government life will be fair,” he told reporters. This was a tad off colour as he was surrounded by children whose condition proves life will never be fair. Unless perchance Clegg’s cohort have a plan to criminalize cancer. Obviously this would not be crimilaization of possession. To possess a tumor could not be a crime in the way that possession of cannabis is a crime. No, cancer itself would have to be criminal in the same way as climate change denial and telling the truth in a political context have almost become criminal under Labour.

Where does this persecution of cancer fit into the Lib Dems promise that life will be fair. Does fairness not extend to tumours, they are after all life in a manner of speaking. It would be immoral to simply throw them in the hospital incinerator. They should be placed in secure refuges for the safety of themselves and others because there are lots of people on sink estates in places like Rochdale who believe tumours are irredeemably evil and would wish to harm them.

Needless to say the detention centres for tumours would place emphasis on rehabilitation rather than retribution.

Spare us the politically correct bullshit Nick it will only get you in trouble, just tell us how you are going to balance the budget and get people back in work.

Strange Bedfellows, a lib dem and a lingerie model

What topics do we think might come up in the post coital conversation of a Liberal Democrat MP and business & enterprise spokesman and a lady who models underwear for a living?

The pernicious use of size zero clothes models in advertising and its derogatory effect on profits in the food industry perhaps? Or maybe the possibility of a hung parliament enabling the Lib Dems to force some of their policies into law as the price for propping up a minority government. What about planning for the end of the world as a result of an asteroid strike in 2012.

Yes you guessed it folks, todays big news is Lembit Opik has a new girfriend. Katie Gree is as pretty and much curvier than his cheeky girl, a proper lady in fact as one would wish a bra model to be. See the lovely Katie with the less than lovely Lembit here then ask yourselves boys, how does he do it?

The only reason we can think of is he can touch his eyebrows with his tongue.

More humour every day with Boggart Blog

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