We Do Not Fear Creepy Little Baldie-men, We Just Hate Them

William Hague was the main interview on the Andrew Marr show this morning. Subjects he talked about included the rabid desire of him and CFameron to bget Britain directly and deeply involved in the bloodbath that Syria has become thanks to the west’s arming crazy, insane religious fanatics in their bid to oust the crazy, insane, bloodthirsty, secular(ish) dictator and replace his corrupt regime with a corrupt theocracy of crazy, insanse, bloodthirsty, Islamic fundamentalists.

Needless to say that Willie-boy’s plans for Syria did not include him going over there and putting himself in the firing line.

The other big topic in his interview was the extent of Britain’s involvement in the U S cybersnooping scandal. Willie was so flummoxed he had to fall back on this old chestnut:

“The net effect is that if you are a law-abiding citizen of this country going about your business and personal life you have nothing to fear from the British state or intelligence agencies.”

We do not fear anything Willie, we just don’t like the idea of some creepy, shiny – headed little Nazi cnut like you employing minions to gather information on us. (BTW I’ve always wanted to know, do you polish your head on Ffion’s muff?)

We gave you your job, we gave Dave his job and Ed and Nick. And we expect you to work for us, not some paranoid, batshit crazy billionaire banker. Did we the punters ask you to collect data on us?

No.

So stop doing it then or prepare to be unelected.

I hear UKIP are doing quite well in South Yorkshire.

The Hunt For Extra Terrestrial life Stepped Up

First posted at Bullblews.com under my pen name Ed Butt. This is a slightly edited version to avoid duplicate content issues.

Our star gazing Scientists are getting their knickers in a twist about the chances of locating extra terrestrial life (well it does not take much to get scientists excited, I have a theory that the word science itself, all sibilants and soft vowels, makes them imagine what it feels like to fondle the well rounded buttocks on a beautiful woman who is wearing expensive satin panties).

Over the next few months astrophysicists, i.e. the kind of physicists who think Star Trek was a fly on the wall documentary, will be turning their radio telescope dishes towards Kepler-62, a star smaller and dimmer than our Sun but not dimmer than our scientists, which resides about 1,000 light years away in the constellation Lyra (One light year equals the distance travelled over one earth year at the speed of light, 300,000 km or 186,000 miles per second. Keep the Per Second bit uppermost in your mind mind, it is important.

A star system containing two potentially habitable Earth-like planets is being targeted in the search for extra-terrestrial intelligence. Don’t you love the ‘potentially’ like we already know they have rivers and animals and fishes and edible plants and television, fast food restaurants, pubs, brothels and ‘special clinics’, all the stuff needed to support life A pair of so-called “super-Earths” have been detected within the “habitable zone” of the star, the orbital region where temperatures are just warm enough to allow bodies of surface water such as oceans and lakes the science says.

Now let’s just pause a moment and think about what they have detected. The only evidence this exercise in flushing taxpayers money down the toilet is these befuddled stargazers have seen shadows that might be planets or Jordan’s tits or Boris Johnson on a zip wire or something, passing across the face of this star one thousand years ago. The light arriving in our atmosphere now left these two potentially life supporting planets a thousand years ago. (The Truth Is Not Out There)

Although we cannot know what the planets are made of (all we have by way of evidence that they actually exist is a few highly subjective interpretations of patterns made by energy sensors), they are believed to be rocky. One, Kepler-62f, is thought to have a radius about 1.4 times greater than the Earth’s. The other, Kepler-62e, is estimated to be 1.6 times larger. 1.6 not ‘a bit bigger than earth. It’s that bogus precision on the basis of such flimsy evidence that gives the game away, this is all pure guesswork.

The planets’ parent star is around two billion years older than the Sun, raising the possibility of intelligent life more advanced than it is on Earth. A scientist would never bother to give a nanosecond’s thought to the other possibility it raises, that like Mars, whatever life might once have existed on these planets is long extinct.

Both the imaginary planets will be priority targets in a new Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence (Seti) programme focusing on habitable zone worlds. Let’s just put this in perspective. If we had a spaceship that could travel at one tenth the speed of light, 18,600 miles per second, it would take 10,000 years to make a one way trip to these planets (are images of Red Dwarf starting to float into your mind, you know the kind of thing, one surviving human, a few holograms and a spaceships cat that has evolved into Danny John-Jules? It get worse however.

The fastest spacecraft we have yet built will reach about 10 miles a second if the astronaut keep his foot to the floor, is going downhill and has a following wind. Even if any revolutionary propulsion system was in development that would increase speeds by the required amount, we do not have the materials necessary to withstand the stresses of travelling at such speeds.

What we are seeing here is a case of investing money in the schemes of arrested adolescents who live in a fantasy world when we ought to be focusing on the very real and solveable problems we face here on earth.

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As we were saying about science not making sense …

A news headline today screamed at us that we are living longer but ageing faster than our parents. Now just think about the irrationality of that for a moment. Everybody dies when they are very old. Now people are different, some dies after only a few years of life, others hang around over a hundred years. But when you’re dead it’s impossible to get any older so everyone is very old when they die.

Having said that, it’s true we are on average living longer with every year that passes. We are some way from escape velocity, the point at which life expectancy increases faster than time passes, but we’re getting there.

In spite of this, scientists are queueing to tell us we are becoming less healthy. Again this is illogical (capatin). We die because we get unhealthy either through age or a disease (unless a tree falls on us or someone hits us with a shovel, politicians send thousands of young men off to run into a hail of machine gun bullets, people are daft enough to eat supermarket own brand corned beef or something else utterly irrational, healthy people do die sometimes.) Therefore no living person is more unhealthy than a dead person. While we are alive we have a bit of health, when we’re dead we have none. So if we are living longer it can only be because we are healthier.

Never believe anything scientists tell you.

The other version

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Fatsally, SuperPolo and Two Bits ofCcarpet to the Rescue

Well I don’t like to brag but I am rather chuffed with myself on this one.

Here in darkest Barnsley we’ve had a lot of snow, and BBC and I had some errands to run.

Chucking a spade and two bits of carpet into the boot of SuperPolo we sallied fourth onto the snow clogged streets. SuperPolo copes very well in the snow, despite only being two wheel drive and we frequently pull off the beaten track to allow ditzy blondes in huge four by fours to continue on the tyre-tracked path, seems like in their hands they’re only off road when it comes to blocking the pavement outside the local school at dropping off and picking up time.

Anyway, we had to go to the top of one of the local estates. SuperPolo gently easing up the quite steep initial incline, steady as a rock around the first right-hander, fairly bowling along the 6 inch deep almost virgin snow and then Whoa, a bin wagon stuck across the road, trying to reverse up a cul-de-sac and the back wheels just spinning away whilst the two refuse collection operatives leant on their shovels, shook their heads and sucked air through their teeth.. Must have been bad cos they weren’t even blaming their female driver.

We watched them for a bit as the truck would be allowed to roll forwards before being put into reverse and a modicum of purchase found before the driving wheels hit the patch of compacted ice that their previous attempts had created.

Then I got out, went to the boot, extracted my two bits of carpet, no more than a foot square at the most generous estimate, and walking up to the beleaguered council workers, offered my assistance.

“Oh that won’t do any good,” they said, “We’ve tried that before, it’s these lorries’ they’re crap.”

“Well, may as well give it a go, you’re not getting anywhere as it is, and if it doesn’t work you’re no worse off than you were before.”

So the chaps stood back, whilst I explained to the driver what I was going to do, so she didn’t have another go and run me over whilst I was positioning my its of carpet behind the wheels.

Carpet in position I gave her the nod, she engaged gear, the tyres gripped on the carpet and then she was off! She backed up into the cul-de-sac, the queue of traffic that had built was able to proceed on its way, the curmudgeonly bin men didn’t even say thanks as I retrieved my bits of floor covering and didn’t seem amused when I suggested that instead of me leaving them a tip at Christmas they should leave me one. I returned to SuperPolo, climbed in, belted up and was off, up, up and away, SuperPolo saves the day, again.

Life on Mars

As the bad week continues, Mrs T is recovering from the same problem the Queen had so I have switched back from being carer to being cared for. My stint in the kitchen and doing household chores knackered me however and I don’t have much left in the tank.

Catching up on my notification however I did notice one startling omission on Boggart Blog’s part.

We missed a story about the multi – billion $$$ mision to Mars finding signs of primitive life on the red planet. As one might expect scientists are getting their knickers in a right old twist about this.

All we can say is “It’s a godawful small affair to the girl with the mousey hair.”

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The Boxer Turns

I’ve often vented my anger on these pages about the mindless, probably useless, shit-for-brains who post derogatory comments to – usually – sports people who may not have got the gold but have at least achieved something in their lives and ploughed in a lot of effort for a lot of years to achieve that achievement.

So I was well chuffed to learn that boxer Chris Woodhouse, on checking his Twitter account and finding that @jimmyob88 had termed him a “disgrace” and “#awasteofspunk” following his defeat on points for the English Light Welter weight title found out where @jimmyob88 lived, jumped into his car and on reaching his destination tweeted a picture of @jimmyob88’s street sign along with the words, “Right Jimbob, I’m here!!!” followed by a request for someone to tell him what number the little troll lived at.

Funnily enough Chris received a grovelling apology from @jimmyob88.

As our dear old Mum used to say, “If you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all.”

Or perhaps don’t choose to say it about boxers who could be a bit miffed having just lost a title!

Stupid Criminal of the Week Award

A prisoner in Sri Lanka tried to smuggle a mobile phone into prison by inserting it up his jacksie end.

Unfortunately he received a call and his arse started ringing.

The guards, ever vigilant, realised where the noise was coming from just as the prisoner realised that he had neither switched the phone to silent not turned it off.

I just hope he had remembered to turn off the vibrate function or it could have got messy88|.

Thoroughbred Not Pit Pony

Husband approaches with a worried look on his face.

“They’ve found horse-meat in frozen lasagne” he tells me.

“So?”

“Well I had cook chill canneloni the other night, d’you think there was horse-meat in that?”

“Well maybe, it does seem quite widespread doesn’t it?
Still don’t worry, I bought it in Waitrose so it will be thoroughbred not pit pony:>”

Makes You Proud To Be British?

In the wake of Horseburgergate a pantomime horse has been evicted from a Tesco supermarket in Pembrokeshire.

Security staff were alerted to the presence of the pantomime horse in the frozen food aisle.

As they approached they observed the horse rootling about in one of the freezers and shouting,

“Mummy! Dad! They’re gone.”

The sense-of-humour-less security guards, probably thinking it was more than their jobs’ worth to share a giggle, duly escorted the horse from the premises.

The quirky sense of humour of Britain’s pantomime horses in the face of po-faced officialdom surely deserves a round of applause.