Today BoggartBlog invites Ed Butt, editor of our “Conspiracy Theory of the Month” feature to comment on recent claims that the discovery of ice on Mars proves there was once life on the red planet and justifies America’s plan to land men there.
I heard that Bush bloke wants to go to Mars innit? Well, not him personally but, y’know, an American. I mean, Bush never managed to find his way out of Texas ’til they gave him a military escort.
Mars mind you.
Course its all eyewash innit? Does he think we haven’t noticed the U.S. Army are getting their arse kicked in Iraq and the economy is in deep poo on account of the French collaborating with China. They’re always collaborating with someone, the French. So old Bush see, he figures I’ll land a man on the Mars as part of the war on terror, that will divert people. It worked for Nixon in 1968 didn’t it? He put a man on the the Moon and everyone forgot about the war on Viet – Nam for a bit. So Bushy and his fellow conspirators think “Keep Bin Laden off Mars, get an American up there.” will work for him. It don’t exactly slip off the tongue like “Keep Moscow off the Moon” did I’ll grant you, but if you wanted a bit of alliteration you would have to say “Keep Bin Laden off Betelgeuse” and that would not be credible as we know Al Quaeda are a long way off developing interstellar hyperdrives yet.
But do you actually have to put a man on Mars? There are some, mentioning no names, who think the moon landing was filmed on a Star Trek set and Aldrin was played by a fat Scotsman who said “Ye cannae change the laws o’ physics.” Conspiracy theorists such people are called by the tabloids. Conspiracy my arse. Of course those blokes landed on the moon else how could Armstrong have come back and reported that Aliens had warned him off ever returning. That’s the troof innit, right? Else why would we never have gone back. That and the fact that NASA lost the map.
Anyone can tell the film of the landing is edited and there are clips cut in of a pilot episode of Star Trek what was never shown on account of Spock’s ears kept falling off. What really happened on the moon but they never tell us is that when Armstrong got out of the module there’s these Aliens, all spidery and silver with bug eyes waiting for him. And he says “we come in peace, take us to your leader. And the top Alien says, “humans, you are all bastards, sod off or we will zap you with mind rays of mass destruction. Because these Aliens, their minds are so powerful they can kill thousands of us with one thought.
And that is why Bush needs to get a man on Mars, or a least appear to so as to stop Bin Laden going there. Because if Bin Laden got hold of the secret of mind rays we would all be in trouble.
Not On This Planet.
Science will lead us out of the recession