Scientists Discover Cure For Itching

as you all know we Boggart Bloggers love scientists. They give us so much of our material.

And we particularly love the kind of sciencetits who claim a major discovery when they finally look at a problem and using scientific science realise THE ANSWER HAS BEEN STARING THEM IN THE FUCKING FACE.

Like this lot who think they are close to developing a cure for itching.

Researchers at John Hopkins University, USA, believe they have found specialised nerve cells that detect itchy sensations. They used flourescent cells in mice to track their reactions and pinpoint itch cells

The discovery of cells that create with itching sensations is a major breakthrough for pain relief.It could lead to a new generation of anti-itch treatments.

The big problem now is how do the Big Pharma business and marketing wizards manage to patent scratching, let alone package and sell as scratch.

People Who Want To Live Longer Must Let Scientists Turn Them Into Mice

A GENE that could hold the key to extending life by up to two decades has been identified.

In a breakthrough akin to finding “the fountain of youth” scientists claim they have disco9vered a gene which when switched on retards the ageing process. The gene, found in all mammals, is known to protect against age-related cell damage so people with it active will live longer, stay younger and in better health. Scientists manipulated the gene, SIRT6, in laboratory mice and found it extended their lifespan by up to 15 per cent.

Right so. And did these mice ingest any polysaturated fat or processed meats, atificial preservatives with nasty e numbers, toilet cleaner masqueading as fizzy drinks, stuff with toxic chemical added to make it last longer on supermaket shelves. Did they come into contact with lead, mercury, cadmium or any of that heavy metal shit? Were they bombarded with radiation or subjected to assaults by deadly prescription drugs. Did they work in high stress environments, have to commute to and from work on gridlocked roads? When trying to get a bit of peace and quiet did they find themselves surrounded by pestering kids demanding new trainers, hoodies, MP3 platers, smartphones and computers.

We are not told but we suspect the lab mice led pampered lives free from the stresses that affect the rest of us.

Therefore to put yet another hyperbolic claim by scientists that if we let them turn us into human / mouse hybrids they can cure all ills and make us live longe, our Boggart Blog science team will reveal how you can liver 20% longer with no mouse related experiments involved.

Just be born a member of the Royal Family.

Full story in the DOSE (dear old Sunday Express)

Just when you thought it was safe to get back in your deckchair
Scientists turn rat into a jellyfish
Scientists breakthrough in sutpidity and irrelevance
Asprin Cuts Cancer Risk Say Scientists – But They Don’t Mention The Buts
The Gods Of Copybook Headings
Intelligent Slime
Mouse Science Explains Why Peoples’ Ears Get Bigger As They Age
Mouse Science Says Booze IsGood For You
Your Shit Is Unique. News from the No Shit Sherlock school of scientific research

Mouse Science Explains Why People’s Ears Get Bigger As They Age

One of the goals we set ourselves on Boggart Blog is to keep readers informed on the latest developments in mouse science, that branch of biology dedicated to proving humans and mice are descended from a common ancestor and that experiments carried out on mice apply equally to humans.

One of the things that remains a mystery to medical science is the way humans age. The onset of wrinkles, greying of hair, muscle wasting and cataracts awaits us all as the years pass. Some say it is psychosomatic, that we are so obsessed with numbers we think ourselves old by counting birthdays, other think it is related to declining fertility. One thing is for sure, animals to do go through that long period of declining vitality, dogs and cats can remain glossy coated, bright eyed and in the case of males up for trying to shag items of furniture, cushions and shoes until close to the end. Then while some go into a rapid decline, others simply keel over while still apparently at the height of their powers.

So why, according to studies, do humans start to wind down before they even reach the halfway point in their anticipated lifespan of about 80 years. If this only occurred in humans whose kids are in their teens as parents approach 40 we could understand it, but apparently it happens to childless people too. And might science discover an elixir of life able to keep us healthy and virile for another twenty years. Well there is hope. The onset of ageing has successfully been delayed and even eliminated by “flushing out” retired cells that had stopped dividing, say researchers in the US.

The study, published in Nature magazine, focused on what are known as “senescent cells”. They stop dividing into new cells and have an important role in preventing tumours from progressing.

Senescent cells are normally cleared out by the immune system, but their numbers build up with time. The researchers estimated that around 10% of cells are senescent in very old people.

These cells accumulate naturally with age. The scientists believe their findings could eventually “really have an impact” in the care of the elderly and in reducing the burden on health services of an ageing population. Experts sound a note of caution however by warning that while results were “fascinating”, they should be taken with a bit of caution. So far the technique has only been tried on mice.

Scientists at the Mayo Clinic, in the US, devised a way to kill all senescent cells in genetically engineered mice. The animals would age far more quickly than normal, and when they were given a drug, the senescent cells would die. The researchers looked at three symptoms of old age: formation of cataracts in the eye; the wasting away of muscle tissue; and the loss of fat deposits under the skin, which keep it smooth. Researchers said the onset of these symptoms was “dramatically delayed” when the animals were treated with the drug.

This is all very well but can we look forward to a population full of healthy looking young people who say things like, “I’m seventy eight you know, complain about the price of everything and smell if piss and wintergreen. And has anyone looked at the possible long term effects of the drug. It may work on mice but will it cause humans to run round and round little wheels, become addicted to cheese or dive into holes in the skirting when anyone enters the room. And will people taking the drug develop superhuman powers like the ability to pick up cast iron frying pans many times their own weight and hit cats in the face.

On reading the report we came to the conclusion that like climate science or the long awaited vaccine against death, this is a scientific scam. Did you notice the experiment worked on mice that had been genetically engineered to age more quickly than normal? The report states: “When it was given after the mice had been allowed to age, there was an improvement in muscle function.” So are these medics proposing to genetically modify our bodies to age more quickly then give is drugs to stop us ageing, demand thousands of pounds for the treatment and when we complain tell us they’ve done us a favour? They are going to give us progeria just so they can cure it? Is this a job creation scheme for scientists?

And the big question is will it actually work on humans or will old people simply grow long tails and large ears and develop behavioural traits of “wee cow’ring, sleekit, tim’rous beasties? One of the researchers, Dr James Kirkland, said: “I’ve never seen anything quite like it.”

Like what? you mght well ask. Old ladies with large ears and long tails giving birth to six litters of mouselets a year?

Does this research really hold out the tantalising prospect of eternal youth? The treatment had no effect on lifespan, but that may be due to the type of genetically engineered mouse used. Doctors not involved in the research grant phishing scam research were sceptical however, arguing that younger, fitter, non mouse-hybrid people are already clearing out their senescent cells when they have a dump.

People Who Want To Live Longer Must Let Scientists Turhn Them Into Mice
Human Women To Have Mouse Babies
Signs of ageing halted in mice
More mouse science, more mouse – amazing breakthrough as scientists discover if mice a fed lots of lard they get fat.
Man or mouse – have scientists grown human sperm in mouse testicles?
Unlocking the secrets of ageing
Human / animal hybrids created ‘for research only’
On psychoactive drugs eight legs are too many, spiders help with research on the human brain
Scientists reinvent the (mouse) wheel
Genes reveal biological ageing

Gobsmacking Scientific Breakthrough Of The Week – And Guess Who It Benefits?

Scientists recently announched a breakthrough in the fight against ageing. Not only can their “elixier of life” extend the natural life span, it prevents the ageing leading many of the conditions that make life difficult for geriatrics.

The best news is – – – IT WORKS!

Well it works on geriatric mice, extending their life span by as much as 12% which is three months for the average mouse.

In laboratory experiments, middle-aged male healthy mice were given a cocktail of three specific amino acids – building blocks of proteins. The diet supplement was found to increase the lifespan of mice in the test group by 12 per cent against that of mice given a placebo.

Researchers believe the therapy may also benefit humans, especially the elderly or sick or those particularly fond of cheese.

The treated mice had more stamina and improved muscle co-ordination. Although scientists denied tht they had cherry picked athletically gifted mice for the experiment because their greater speed and agility woul enable them to dodge the laboratory cat for longer some people involved in the peer review process have expressed scepticism about that.

“This is the first demonstration that an amino acid mixture can increase survival in mice,” said study leader Dr Enzo Nisoli, from the University of Milan in Italy. His asistant Mr. Topolino Mussi added that last year the team conducted experiments which proved the same amino acids, leucine, isoleucine and valine, could extend the lifespan of single-celled yeast.

The new findings, reported in the journal Cell Metabolism, raise the possibility of amino acid supplements benefiting humans.

The scientists pointed out that the mice studied were aged but otherwise healthy.

When we asked typical healthy old person, Mr. Gerry Attrick (85), would he be willing to undergo genetic modification to turn him into part man, part mouse, part yeast and to live on a diet of amino acids if it meant living three months longer and having improved quality of life he replied:

You wot? Gerrrahtovit, yeast, mouse, wot you think I am. I’ll tell you what would improve my quality of life, a night wiv that Lady GaGa, oh yes She’s a hot one she is, every time I seen her on tele she’s stickin’ her chuff in the camera. I’d give up three years of my life for that I would. Yeast you say? Wot’s that got to do with Lady Gaga, got thush has she? Yeast? That’s Marmite isn’it? Can’t stand the effin’ stuff, like eating shit. You can keep your yeast and stuff it up your arse, I’ll settle for Lady GaGa thrush or no thrush. Eff off with yer yeast and your eeny meany miney mo acids, I fought a war for the likes of you and what thanks do I get. You want to turn me into a yeast eating mouse that’s what.

Mr. Attrick’s attitude convinced us that even healthy aged people may be beyond help. As for the amino acids, sorry but we’re sticking with the red wine.

Don’t Call Me A Conspiracy Theorist

Mouse Scientists (Or Mickey Mouse Journalists) Do It In The Dark

I don’t know which is worse here, the mouse science or the Mickey Mouse journalism.

News broke last week that turning on the light to go to the loo or when you open the fridge door in the dead of night can cause changes that might lead to cancer, or so The Daily Mail claimed.

And guess what? Cancer Genetics and Cytogenetics published a report that claimed one hour’s exposure to bright light in the depth of night might cause genetic changes that might be linked to a possibly higher cancer risk.

Quite a difference there between those two reports then.

I’m sure if you are going to the loo for an hour during the night you will have enough problems without worrying that you might get cancer.
There’s probably more danger from possible electrocution as you try to fish your torch out of the toilet bowl so you can carry on reading The Daily mail, well how else are you going to while away an hour on the bog in the dead of night, in the dark?

Likewise if your appetite is so great that you need to sit in front of the open door of the fridge for one hour then you must be more likely to pop your clogs from hypothermia or complications from extreme obesity long before the genetic changes which might possibly lead to to a raised cancer risk have any chance to take effect.

And then there is the real elephant in the room, or perhaps that should be mouse in the room.

Yes, you guessed it, the study was carried out on mice.

Mice in a laboratory, who weren’t just having the light on long enough to go for a pee or to sneak a quick wedge of Cheddar when the munchies hit them.

But even that doesn’t make sense, because the mice like scurrying about in the dark. They wouldn’t want to put the light on in case it alerted the cat(s).
(Quick mental playback of Gerry being caught in the spotlight of the open fridge door as Tom’s shadow looms menacingly over him.)

Putting the light on to point percy or raid the fridge would be much more likely to cause changes which at the very least would result in the loss of a tail but more commonly the loss of most major body parts.

There again if they did put the light on perhaps my inept mousers, the Chocolate brothers, Fireguard and Teapot, might be able to find the little buggers.

Scientists Reinvent The (Mouse) Wheel
Demented Mouse Science
More Mouse Science and More Mouse

Mouse Science And Even More Mouse Science

Isn’t it about time we started doing something about the incredible cruelty to mice perpetrated by scientists?
Boggartblog has previously brought you many stories concerning mouse science but now we are getting rather more worried.

In an article in The Times Amanda Ursell is discussing the allleged dieting myth that eating later results in fewer calories burned.

It seems that an experiment has been conducted using 12 mice, some of whom fed through the day and some through the night. Let’s assume for the sake of symmetry at the very least, if not keeping factors constant as one ought to, that this was an equal split, six mice eating during the day and six mice eating at night.
All the mice were fed the same high fat diet and obviously the same calories.

She goes on to state that the mice that fed through the day gained 5lbs whilst those that fed through the night gained 10lbs.

So how much do you reckon a mouse weighs in the first place? They’re not very big, 3 – 4 inches, long excluding tails – and I have to admit that of the vast number of mice I come into contact with some are tailless, there again some of them are headless but most just appear to be a gall bladder and a bit of blood. When intact they are maybe a couple of inches high. They can’t weigh much more than 8 ozs; that’s an ordinary packet of butter or quarter of a bag of sugar or four and a half standard Mars bars.

So in six weeks six of these mice put on 5lb. Even assuming that this is collectively it means that each of these mice more than doubled it’s body weight in the six week period.

But the other six put on twice that much. How big were these mice when they’d finished?

Did they scientists have to build mazes with wider corridors for the lardarse rodents to go through?
Was the cardboard tube from inside a toilet roll no longer wide enough to allow access, did they have to use those cardboard tubes that architects use to contain and transport their designs in?

Did the lab cat refuse to enter the lab any longer as the heavyweight mice were eyeing it hungrily?

Did the scientists advise the mice that they were now morbidly obese and then allow them to lie about all day watching Oprah and Tricia and Jeremy Kyle and sending out for Whopper meals with extra large fries and a litre of coke?

Or was the food left at the far end of the maze and the poor mice just had to wait, Pooh style, until they were thin enough to fit down the passages once again?

And how many of these mice blamed thier excessive weight gain on their genes?

Demented Mouse Science
Intelligent Mouse Babies
Man Or Mouse
Scientists Reinvent The Mouse Wheel

Mouse Science Identifies Cancer Risk

Snack Science Leads To Discovery About Crocodiles

We have reported extensively the experiments in mouse science from which behavioural scientists have learned so much about human intelligence from studying how mice learn to earn snacks by pushing buttons with their noses. So far however we have confined our study to mice and thus have described this area of research as mouse science.

We must now acknowledge our failure to look beyond the work of the mouse watchers has led us into failing in our duty to report fully on the fascinating things scientists do with animals. (Far more fascinating we are told that the things adolescent boys in rural areas do with sheep.)

As a first step towards rectifying this we must rename our mouse science reporting team the Boggart Blog snack science reporting team and widen the scope of their remit to include all the valuable snack related work being done with diverse species. Our first report from the snack science team concerns a project of vital importance to humankind. A group of naturalists at Blue Planet Aquarium in Ellesmere Port, Wirral have taken the first stemps towards teaching crocodiles to speak.

The saurian genus is one of the most primitive groups of large animals on earth. It is generally accepted that they have not evolved for over 100 million years which is before the Himalayas were raised by tectonic plate activity. Unsurprisingly then Crocodiles and Alligators have never been seen as anything but stupid reptiles whose tiny brains could handle basic survival tasks but little else. It has come as a complete surprise then that Crocodiles are snack and neck with Chimps, Apes, Dolphins, Bears, Dogs, Elephants and other large brained mammals in showing an ability to do things that impress humans.

The key to this breakthrough in discovering hidden depths to Saurian intelligence is snacks.

We should say here Crocodiles have not yet learned to make human sounds in fact they have only made similar hissy sounds to other large reptiles or drag queens on being told their bead shadow is showing. But the Crocodiles of Blue Planet Aquarium have learned to recognise sounds.

A number of young Crocs have been given names and if they respond correctly when their name is called they earn a snack. A sausage we assume. We all learn as children the favourite food of Crocodiles is sausages. It would be curmudgeonly of us to suggest that the Crocodiles have simply learned to associate certain sounds with snacks. This is a long way from the mastering of quantum theory or learning to appreciate the creative techniques of J M W Turner or Ludwig van Beethoven but at least it keeps scientists off the streets.

Clearly snack science has a lot to offer humankind.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

The Last Word On Mice – For A While.

While writing yesterday’s blog on mice with mobile phone related scientific research I heard a story on radio about a pest control firm that has developed a new and highly scientific way of dealing with the plague of mice that are overrunning London’s offices, shops, hotels and restaurants.

The company’s operatives go into a target building, lay down mats coated with special mouse adhesive and themn place mouse bait on the mats. When the little pointy nosed ones go on to the mat to get the free snacks they get stuck.

“And then you return them to the wild?” the ever so politically correct presenter asked hopefully.

“No,” said the pest control spokesman patiently, “we hit them with a builders mallet. They’re vermin.”

Now that is the kind of science we can all engage with. For me it brought to mind an old Kenny Everett sketch where he was a musician who played melodies by hitting captive mice with a mallet to make them squeak.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

More Demented Mice Science – With Mobile Phones

On of the reasons Boggart Blog loves scientists so much is the way that like religious fanatics they just refuse to give up on totally bonkers ideas. Ideas that the one that convinces them making mice behave in totally unnatural ways can teach us valuable lessons about humanity. Perhaps these people were brought up on the stories of Beatrix Potter and thus have a deep seated belief in anthropomorphism.

When we question mouse science the scientists will say “Ah but mice and humans share quite a lot of DNA. This is true, and amoebae also share a surprising amount of DNA with humans to but we don’t expect to see an amoeba that has read Shakespeare, understands modern financial systems and can tell Chateau Petrus from Sneaky Pete* any time soon.

The extent to which we are programmed by our DNA has been vastly overstated as neuroscientists recently learned. We may by act of will change inherited behaviour traits – which is what Hindu mystics have been saying for thousands of years. This more or less demolished one of the trendy new sciences, evolutionary psychology, much favoured by our very favourite sub species of scientists, the boy-scientists hose wide eyed enthusiasm for all things scientific overrides critical thinking, logical deduction and common sense.

It is with considerable joy then that hot on the heels of yesterday’s posts concerning mice, fry ups and the eternal quest of Daily Mail readers to find the Holy Grail that will guarantee they have prodigiously talented babies, we report another project that has set out to equate mouse physiology with human physiology. Scientists are claiming they are on the verge of achieving a breakthrough in the effort to find a treatment for Alzheimers disease after achieving good results with mice “programmed to get Alzheimer’s” by giving them mobile phones.

Laying aside the issue of how anybody can know a mouse has Alzheimer’s or the outrageous assumption that mice whose DNA has been fiddled with to pre-dispose them to Alzheimer’s are certain to develop it, because we have asked such questions before only to be told “you just don’t understand science,” (Maybe not, but we understand mice.) we must ask what is the point of giving mice mobile phones when they have no thumbs with which to text?

Boy scientists in Florida claim to have found mobile phone radiation helps improve the memory of mice programmed to develop Alzheimers. Al least they are not funded by UK taxpayers money. But if the mice are programmed to get Alzheimers disease they have not actually got it have they. No. Because mice don’t get Alzheimer’s disease because they’re mice not human.

So let’s guess how the process works because a lot of the science is rather vague although the bits about “we need lots of money and some jollies to the Seychelles, Paris and Amsterdam to carry out field studies” are quite specific. OK, you programme a mouse to get Alzheimer’s then clamp a little cellphone to its ear and send digital signals into its brain to override the “Get Alzheimer’s Now” routine in the program.

Sounds almost as likely as finding a cure for the common cold.

*Chateau Petrus – The world’s most expensive wine
Sneaky Pete – American slang for cheap, low quality wine fortified with illegally distilled liquor

At 4:30 am No One Can Hear You Scream

Once upom a time we had a cat who was a brilliant mouser. Now we have cats who are brilliant at bringing mice into the house, but as with all today’s youngsters, they get bored and abandon their playthings after a few minutes and wander off to do something else, lie in the sun, have a bit of a clean up, go out into the newly harvested field to find a small rodent to play with…
Came downstairs this morning, 4.30am.
L.C., the youngest cat, was sitting on the dining room table staring intently up at the right hand end of the curtain pole.
In the gloom from the landing light I studied the pole. Couldn’t see anything, I glanced along it’s length. There at the left hand end of the pole sat a small mouse.
“You are about as much use as a chocolate fireguard,” I admonished the cat. Then I picked him up and held him up to the curtain rail.
Whereupon he deftly extended one paw and flicked the terrified mouse off the rail.
Right onto my head…
At 4.30am no-one can hear you scream…

Intelligent Mouse Babies
Lucky Black Cat Inherits Eurofortune