Poor Ed … Milli No Mates

Not wanting to witness the nauseating spectacle of Cameron and Obama kissing each others arses the Boggart Blog editorial meeting today decided we would have a look at how things are going in the Labour Party.

We wish we had stuck with Cammy and Bammy.vHere’s one report we saw:

“On Tuesday, Labour held the weekly meeting of its shadow cabinet. At its conclusion the members filed out into the expansive, and expensive, atrium of Parliament’s Portcullis House. “Everyone broke into little groups of three or four,” said one observer. “They were all there, having follow-up discussions with each other. Except for Ed Miliband. He was left standing on his own with a member of staff. So he just got on the escalator and walked away.”

At some indefinable point during the last few months, Ed Miliband stopped being leader of Labour Party. There was neither drama nor fanfare. No knife-edge votes, or late-night confrontations. Instead, the authority bestowed upon him in Manchester 18 months ago rose early, quietly packed its suitcase, and sloped off into a chill Westminster morning. It didn’t leave a note.”

Wither Milliband? Or perhaps, wither milliband! in the imperitive case.

Poor Ed. I do think he’s a decent bloke really, just waaaaaaaaay out of his depth. The task he landed himself with, keeping the unions sweet while trying to turn Labour into something capable of being elected and then capable of governing would have been beyond Hercules.

So how will it end? We forsee Ed being despatched to Room 101 where he will have to face the thing he fears most, Len McClusky. After that he may occasionally be sighted sitting alone in the Chestnut Tree Cafe sipping Victory Gin flavoured with cloves.

The Chestnut Tree Cafe – 1984 by George Orwell

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Milliband in Afghanistan.

Labour leader Ed Milliband has been visiting troops in Afghanistan. This was the subject of a radio phone in I was listening to last night.

“If you were a squaddie dodging bullets in Afghanistan,” the presenter asked listeners, “what would you have said to Ed Milliband?”

Well I didn’t phone in but my answer was better that those from people who did. Yous see as a squaddie I would have said nothing to Ed Milliband as he met the troops.

Instead I would have turned to the watching Afghans, militant Muslims to a man, pointed at Milliband and started screaming “Jew, Jew…”

That would have sent Ed running back to London with his arse on fire (literally).

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Ripping Yarns in Parliament

In the episode of Michael Palin and Terry Jones’ series Ripping Yarns titled Tomkinson’s Schooldays Michael Palin plays a snivelling little oik newly arrived at a traditional public school. Achetypal posh boy Ian Ogilvy played the school bully perfectly.

Why am I reminiscing about this excellent series you might well ask.

It so happens I have the Ripping Yarns boxed set on DVD and while watching television coverage of yesterday’s Prime Minister’s Queston Time I was suddenly overcome by the feeling that I was watching Tomkinson’s Schooldays as posh boy David Cameron effortlessly assumed the role of the school bully while Ed Milliband seemed to have found his niche playing the snivelling little oik.

Milliband: Labour Will Demand Equal Rights For Toothpaste.

We knew as soon as the name of the new Labour leader was announced Ed Milliband would deliver the goods for satirical bloggers. Though he did not exactly hit the ground running, nor even crawling the Harry Potter lookalike is beginning to fulfill our hopes.

In his “relaunch” of Labour (or ritual disembowelment of the rump of old New Labour perhaps, Ed has pledged that under his leadership Labour will “support the squeezed middle.”

This opaque statement sent the mainstream media into a frenzy of speculation about what or who Ed might be referring to. “What did he mean, who were these squeezed middles? television, radio and newspaper reporters asked. Were Labour going to call for draconian laws to punish office gropers who like to put their arm round girls and cop a feel of the love handles? Was Milliband’s flagship policy part of Harriet Harperson’s politically correct, feminist agenda aimed at banning basques, laced corsets and ‘waspie’ waist cinchers? Was Labour planning to abandon its war on obesity and stop harassing the overweight about their muffin tops?

Boggart Blog managed to secure some face time with the Labour leader and ask him WTF he was on about. This is what Mr. Milliband told us:

“Oi vey, that an innocent remark should cause such a stir even the famous Boggart Blog are talking to me already. The squeezed middle? It’s simple really, that schnorrer Blair tried to base his social policy on eradication anti – social behaviour by slapping ASBOs on hoodies.

We on the progressive wing of the party feel anti – social behaviour does not start in the streets but in the home. Honour thy father and mother, the Talmud says, the national executive says Honour thy son and daughter. That is has come to pass I have to spell out such things, do they not teach morality in schule anymore? The real djibbuk in modern goyim society is not drugs or binge drinking it is the breakdown of family values.

Families do not treat each other like family any more, they treat each other like drek. When a gentile child asks “Daddy can I have some sweeties?” does the father say “Of course bubeleh, when I go into town mein kindt I will bring some back for you and your younger brother to share?

No, he probably says “Stop kvetching you little schmuck, gay avek or I’ll spank your tuchis. That you should ask me to spend money on sweets and have none left for beer. Meh!”

There has always been kibbitzing in families of course but in a god humoured way. Now parents see children as an intrusion on their freedom. It isn’t little stuff any more, family members really hate each other as much as they hate the social workers appointed by progressive governments to help sort out their lives.

So we in the Labour National Executive assembled a minyan of elders and we decided when Labour returns to the promised land of Downing Street we will pass a law to force family members to be nice to each other. Anybody who steals from members of their nuclear family or deliberately does things to annoy younger siblings will be punished. My brother Davi, remember him, he knew I hated it when somebody squeezed they toothpaste in the middle. So the putz would always squeeze the toothpaste in the middle to wind me up.

Well I’m party leader now and where is that schnorrer eh? Schlepping his schtick round Fleet Street freelancing may he gay en dred. Meh! When I am Prime Minister people who squeeze the middle of the toothpaste tube will do five years hard labour for their crime.

Orthodoxy by stealth

The Labour Leadership Contest Doesn’t Get Interesting

By rights we should have plenty to blog about. It’s silly season after all. Silliest story this week however was that scientists think alien life forms may turn out to be thinking machines.

In which case they will not be life forms but machines.

Another story that has been infalted by a desperate mainstream media is the one about the woman who put a cat in a wheelie bin. Not big. Not clever. Not funny, not even interesting, sorry but who cares? Spies are being murdered, zipped into body bags and put in the bath out there and we’re supposed to care about a cat in a wheelie bin?

Another corpse the media have tried to kick some life into is the Labour leadership contest. Yesterday we learn, David (Bananaman) Milliband cranked up the aggression level by saying his brother might be too ‘old labour’ to be a good leader. In return little bro Ed. said David was tainted by his association with failed Blairite policies. Strong stuff indeed. Not.

We asked Labour dinosaur and former MP for Slaghoughton and Gravelby, Reg Spitmuscle what he made of all this. He told us, “If either of those metrosexual ferret felchers becomes leader we’re really fucked.”

Strong worlds from an old Labour stalwart conforming that Labour has lost contact with its core constituency and is now the party of the Metropolitan elite. So led by either Milliband 1 or 2 they should hold on to at least twenty seats at the next election.

NB If you don’t know what a felcher is I seriously suggest you do not Google it unless at least two hours has passed since your last meal. I’m serious so if you ignore me don’t complain when you throw up all over your keyboard.

The Radical Feminist In The Woodpile

Just a few short days ago and, it seemed, only minutes after nominations for the Labour Party leadership elections had opened, the “progressive left” as the neo Nazi wing of the party likes to style itself was throwing a hissy fit about all the candidates being straight, white and male.

Only one candidate had declared himself at that stage so while the Politically Correct Thought Police were speaking the truth it was, as is usual in their case, an irrational type of truth.

Thankfully for those of us who dreaded having the PCTP whining at us about the injustice of Britain not having a black lesbian Prime Minister, a Muslim Archbishop of Canterbury and a mincing screamer as our Queen, Diane Abbot has stepped up to the mark. Now Diane falls short of the PCTP ideal in several ways as she is neither lesbian nor disabled and she certainly has no learning difficulties but she is a woman and black.

That ought be enough to shut them right up you might think but no, now the PCTP are saying, “Yeah but, no but, yeah but …… she’s in love with Michael Portillo.

It may well turn out that the Labour hierarchy parachutes in a gay male candidate or even disqualifies one of the Millibands and several other candidates on the grounds that they aren’t diverse enough. It is sometimes necessary in the interests of fairness for members of the inner party to do things they know are unfair.*

Meanwhile the cynical among us detect evidence that there may be something else going on, dark forces at work as it were. We sniff the sulphurous scent of Peter Mandelson permeating the whole process. Thus we ask could the people behind Miss A’s candidacy be involved in a conspiracy to split the left wing vote thus smoothing the way of Blairite Virgil Tracy David Milliband to the leadership?

You read it here first.

*paraphrased from George Orwell’s 1984.

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Labour Contenders Line Up With David Milliband To The Fore

Even before Gordon Brown had finished his “I’m going to step down as PM and party leader, not now but at some time in the future, maybe, unless I have to step up and save the country” speech his wannabe successor David Milliband, Thunderbirds puppet lookalike and the senior half of pop politics duo Deadward, was pushing himself forward as a potential replacement and candidate for the leadership election. Milliband has many obvious weaknesses but is current favourite to succeed Brown.

So who are the contenders hoping to stop him? Boggart Blog give you a rundown of all the likely candidates, their strengths and weaknesses.

David Milliband ( Thunderbirds Puppet)
For: Admired by party elite, left wing intelligentsia and the Islington metrosexual set.
Against: He’s a cunt.
Supporters: Tony Blair, David Milliband, The Conservatives
Most likely to: Bottle it
Least likely to: Appeal to labour voters

Ed Balls ( Mr. Bollocks)
For: Not a lot
Against: Everybody hates him
Supporters: Gordon Brown
Most likely to: Deny ever knowing Gordon Brown
Least likely to: Win

Alan Johnson (Real Nowhere Man)
For: Has few enemies
Against: Billy no – mates
Supporters: Unions and grassroots members
Most likely to: Say “Howay the lads” and down a pint of Newcastle Brown
Least likely to: Eat quiche

Ed Milliband (Harry Potter lookalike)
For: Is not called David, does not look like Thunderbirds puppet
Against: Can’t do magic
Supporters: Mostly under twelve
Most likely to: Point wand at Tories and say “Expelliamus”
Least likely to: Be recognised by members of the public

Harriet Harperson (He face turns men to stone)
For: Will get the feminist vote
Against: Inspires fear and loathing in creatures with testicles
Supporters: Mostly in prison for murder
Most likely to: Demand more female and ethnic minority MPs
Least likely to: Offer Boris Johnson a tuppeny upright

Peter Mandelson (He flies by night)
For: He’s from the dark side
Against: Not eligible (but that did not stop Barack Obama)
Supporters: The undead
Most likely to: Put the bite on David Cameron
Least likely to: Increase death duties

And now over to the Boggart Blog bookie:

Current favourite is David Milliband but he has drifted out fron 6/4 to 2/1.

There is steady support for AlanJohnson at 5/1

Ed Balls in 7/1 but if his wife runs as his deputy leader you can get 500/1 on the forecast.

Harriet Harperson badly needs some support at 25/1 but the steamer in the early betting is Ed Milliband in from 33/1 after the election to 8/1 on the exchanges this morning.

And a late springer in the market, you could have got any price you wanted on Saturday, he was quoted at 250/1 on Sunday but this morning the professional punters are snapping up 10/1, it’s Tony Blair. Get on the comeback kid thile there’s a bit of value left.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

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Labour Offers Reel Change

Labour Offers Reel Change

David ?Thunderbirds puppet? Milliband was the star guest on Andrew Marr?s political magazine on television this morning. Milliband, The Foreign Secretary (allegedly) in Gordon Brown?s dying government was trying to fend off question from Voice Of The Mysterons Marr about the persistent rumours that a strong undercurrent of opinion in the Labour party would like to see Gordon Brown replaced as leader before the election.

When the subject of the recent plot led by Blairite loyalists Jaqui Smith and Geoff Hoon was raised Milliband denied there had been such a plot and the Labour Party does not go in for plotting, which only proves he doesn?t read the papers. He then said Labour?s job was to govern competently (stop sniggering at the back) until the election and then win a fourth term in office by offering the voters reel change.

Can we assume this means Labour plan to govern by showing us 1930s feature ? length movies and perhaps hiring Jools Holland to play Honky Tonk piano while the reel changing is going on.

Or does he mean changes that will make us reel?

As the nation is already reeling from 12 years of Labour?s style of governing by trying to micromanage the minutiae of individual lives perhaps we should all keep working for a hung parliament.

We like to say “More humour every day at Boggart Blog” but all the news has been so gloomy it is getting hard to live up to that… 😦

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Labour Will Use Magic To Win The Election

Following the putative conspiracy to remove the Prime Minister as party leaders, Labour is in disarray. No change there then, but who will succeed Gordon Brown if he is forced to resign?

Leading contenders are the Milliband Bros, David and Ed but which would make the best leader? As Harry Hill would say, “Only one way to find out, have a fight.”

It need not come to that however, pictures of the young Millibands released last weekend reveal that

(a) They are clones
(b) They are not who they say the are.

But at least we now know there is no chance of Labour losing the election as long as they have a certain boy wizard on their side to work his magic.

This candid picture reveals the true identity of the future Prime Minister, whichever one of them it is…

Potter Milliband

Now all we need to know is who will be revealed as Voldemort , Dave Cameron or Peter Mandelson.

25 September 2010
Ed Milliband wins Harry Potter lookalike Labour Leader contest

More humour every day from Boggart Blog

Are Labour Too Eyebrow For The Electorate.

As the Labour Party sinks ever lower in polls there is talk once more of a conspiracy to oust Gordon Brown at the party conference.

The latest in a long line of pretenders being put forward as the person to turn around the party’s fortunes and lead them to a historic fourth consecutive election triumph is Ed Milliband.

Hang on, you might well be thinking to yourselves, haven’t we been here before? Almost but that was the other Milliband, Ed’s brother Dave, the one who looks like a Thunderbirds puppet. Dave Milliband has faded into obscurity, not even spoken of now as a former future Prime Minister. Former future Prime Ministers are that unhappy breed who have been proclaimed as future Prime Ministers only to have found some urgent administrative maters to attend to then their moment arrived to hurl themselves into the breach.

Anyway a man who looks like the pilot of Thunderbird 3 and whose eyebrows appear to be two dead moles glued to his face was never seriously going to be a contender.

The latest candidate pushed forward as the next man to drink from the poisoned chalice while not looking at all Thunderbird puppet like does have some issues in the eyebrow department that could weigh heavily against him with the electorate. Ed has hyperactive eyebrows.

Watching him speak on television this morning so transfixed by the antics of his eyebrows was I thing everything he had to say went in one ear and out the other. As he spoke his eyebrows were prancing about like the line of can – can dancers at the Folies Bergere.

Labour has always been the most eyebrow of all political parties of course, who can forget the flyaway brows of Dennis Healey, Tony Benn’s are like two well trimmed privet hedges while Jack Straw’s wriggle across his brow like two grey caterpillars while Peter Hain’s are arched in an expression of permatanned permasurprise.

Had there been no financial meltdown no pointless wars and no MPs expenses scandal, the electorate might have been able to forgive Thunderbird puppets and can – can dancing eyebrows. Given Labour’s track record over twelve years in power anyone who does overthrow Brown will still have to resign himself to suffering a crushing defeat at the hands of a man whose face looks as if it was often hit with a heavy frying pan when he was young.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog