The Wrong Cover, Grommit

Hubby bought a book the other week, this has happened probably on two previous occasions in our marriage, which is now in its 25th year.

The book is called Blue Monday: A Day For Murder and is by one of those conglomerate authors, or should that be two of those? styling themselves Nicci French.

Now the cover of the book has a picture of The Thames (I presume although it could be the River Fleet because there is a map on the inside of the Fleet). There is a double span of bridge visible, the tide is out and a red sandle lies in the mud in the foreground.

So this is a book about a murder that takes place on a Monday and the body is found in the river, right?

Wrong, the book starts off with a flashback to a little girl’s abduction 22 years earlier.

It then takes in a psychoanalyst and a new patient, whom she comes to suspect of abducting a five year old boy, on a Friday, when he tells her he dreams of having a son, shows her a picture of himself as a child and then she discovers that the five year old is the spitting image of that picture.

The patient then tells the doc that he’s felt like this before when he had dreams about having a daughter.

And how long ago was that, oh 22 years….

So now the psychoanalyst gets involved in the police investigation, her patient has a cast iron alibi for when the little boy was taken, so they carry on meeting and she starts doing a bit of investigating of her own.

Now I did enjoy the story, even if you could see the way the plot was twisting and turning, but I have to tell you this, only one person gets murdered and they are a tangent to the story.

So have I got the wrong cover on the book or the wrong book in the cover?

Or is it just some fuckwits who can’t be arsed to do their job properly, like read the frigging book they’re supposed to be promoting themselves, Grommit

Midsomer Gang Wars

Scene 1: The police station in Midsomer Ghettobury. Sergeant Warren from This Life rushes in gasping for breath.

Sergeant Warren from This Life:
Sir, it’s all kicking off (puff, pant) the lawn croquet club in Badgers Arse. (gasp, snort) The Bsadger’s Arse massive found guys from the Corpsechester Warrior Tribe pushing cucumber sandwiches on their turf. There has been (huff,puff, ourrrrrp) gunplay.

Inspector Barmyby:
Oh no, I knew it was a mistake to put ethnic minorities in the script. We’ve gone from Agatha Christie to Quentin Tarantino. Better get down there I suppose.

Scence 2: Inspector Barmyby and Sergeant Warren from This Life pootle along the leafy lanes towards Bager’s Arse. Rounding a sharp bend they see a full scale gand war being fought on the village green. Blues and twos going the police officer drive carefully into a parking space as a young Asian man plants an axe in a black youth’s head.

A passing nosey bugger looks at the car Sergeant Warren from This Life has just parked.

Nosey Bugger:
Don’t they teach you policemen to drive these days. Look, your front bumber is an inch over the line.

Inspector Barmyby:
Sorry but we’re in a rush, we have to stop that lot killing each other.

Nosey Bugger:
Let them get on with it I say. Do you know what’s happened to property prices round here since they put that lot in the script. Now park that car properly before the locals get angry, people have been killed for less in Midsomer.

Sergeant Warren from This Life:
Sory Sir, I’ll repark as soon as I’ve arrested the vicar.

Inspector Barmyby:
The vicar? Why the vicar Sergeant Warren from This Life?

Sergeant Warren from This Life:
It’s always the vicar what done it Sir. Besides he’s the only one who isn’t heavily armed.

Scene 3:
One of the gang members breaks away from the melee and points at the police officrs.

Gang member:
Yo! blood, it de Babylon, innit?

Inspector Barmyby (approaching at a waffer trot):
Yes, it’s the Baby lotion or whatever. Come on, break it up here. Who are you people anyway, what are you doing in Badger’s Arse?

Gang members surround Barmyby and Sergeant Warren from This Life. A thug confronts the younger policeman.

Thug:
Hey I know you. You’re name’s Ben, we were on the same drama course at Uni.

Sergeant Warren from This Life:
In character dickhead, the cameras are running.

Thug:
Yo bruv, innit?

Inspector Barmyby:
Come on, I want to know what you are doing here.

Gang member:
Where else are young ethnic minority actors going to get any work these days. We all used to be crowd scene actors in The Bill. Innit?

Comedy Coppers Oust P.C. Plod

It was reassuring to see in the news earlier this week the Inspectorate of Constabulary, a fine body of men and women who sound as if they escaped from a Gilbert and Sullivan comic opera have finally admitted that local police forces (the comedy coppers) are so snowed under with important paperwork they have can’t be arsed turning out to chase criminals.

Citizens who have dialled 999 to report their houses being robbed, their kids being kidnapped or the neighbours being brutally murdered have been reporting for a long time the standard response from the police is a weary sigh, a promise to send someone round as soon as an officer is available and a stern reminder tat the 999 number is strictly for emergencies and you should never again waste their time with trivial matters.

When someone eventually does “pop round” to the crime scene it will most likely be PCSO Tiny Littlebottom on his Raleigh Chopper and he, having no powers of arrest and no training in crime scene investigation will give you some leaflets on victim support counselling.

For years police chiefs have strenuously denied that the force were more concerned with targets, statistics and budgets than with making the streets safe for DHWFS* Chief Superintendent Gripper Feltham of Slaghoughton Constabulary told a Boggart Blog reporter, “People don’t understand how modern crime control works. We can’t send round Dixon Of Dock Green to say “‘ello, ello, ello, what ‘ave we ‘ere then” when a member of the public phones in a crime report. Nowadays governments require us to employ modern management and comply with health and safety at work regulations and employee rights legislation. Before we can investigate a crime we have to investigate the nature of the offence and define the scope and objectives of the project. Then there has to be a feasibility study, a resource planning exercise, the investigation project plan has to be costed and budgets allocated. Once we have done all that but before we can send a squad car round we have to complete a 95 page risk analysis showing whether the officers at the scene are likely to encounter rough terrain, hazardous materials, bad tempered dogs, naked flames, tropical diseases, or large, aggressive criminals wielding baseball bats with nails through the end.

That done, we can then go ahead and assign officers to the case after they have been given a thorough psychological examination. It can be quite nasty out there on the streets and we don’t want police personnel to be traumatized by the things they encounter. Only when we have done all we can to ensure the safety of our officers and avoid exposing the force to costly lawsuits can we afford to think about the safety of the public.

The problem with the criminal classes you see is many of them tend to have a sociopathic mindset, they have no intention of trying to live like decent citizens and contributing to the community. Because of this negative attitude they are seldom prepared to hang around until we have worked through our management procedures.

Then there is the question of unrealistic expectations among the public. People watch characters like Jack Bauer and Gene Hunt on television and they think real officers can behave like that. We can’t though, we have to bear in mind that criminals have the same human rights as anybody else, more if they are members of ethnic, sexual or religious minorities, or have mental or physical disabilities or if they are supported by community organisers.

I hope that helps your readers understand policing a modern society in no an easy matter. We are convinced our approach to fighting crime is the right one for the twenty first century. The wheels of bureaucracy may turn slowly but they grind exceeding fine as the old saying goes. So instead of people criticizing us for not catching the people who murdered their granny, stripped their house or hacked their computer and emptied the bank accounts I hope people will take comfort in the knowledge that our managed approach to policing means justice will eventually catch up with the perpetrators of serious crimes when they overstay their time on a parking meter, break the speed limit or talk too loudly in a public space.

*Decent Hard Working Folks.

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Police Lose Control Of Streets

I Accuse The Elk In The Orchard With The Fermenting Apples

A sinister turn in the animal world, highlighting the increase in drunkeness and violent behaviour, a trend which is found more commonly amongst humans.

In the past we have brought you amusing, yet innocent, tales of scrapes animals have got themselves into when under the influence of fermenting fruit.

But now it seems that the drink is bringing out a darker side.

In Sweden there are more than 3,500 serious road accidents a year involving drunken elks.

Elks are normally placid creatures, but when they get a bellyful of fermenting apples their behaviour becomes increasingly erratic; rampaging through depatment stores, getting stuck in lifts, foraging through kitchens and even knocking on car windows and demanding bites of sandwiches.

When these activites are carried out by lone elk it is merely a nuisance which can easily be controlled.

However Bogartblog now learns that the elk are starting to form gangs.
Groups of elk can be spotted feasting on fallen apples in the shadowy orchards. With their uniform antlers on their heads they then become agressive, perhaps spurred on by the gang mentality, and have been known to attack skiers and charge passing cars, whilst the rest of the gang cheers drunkenly, egging them on.

Four years ago a gang of drunken elks attacked an old people’s home and were only forced back when police and hunters were called in.

And now it seems that for the first time their behaviour has resulted in a fatality.

Agneta Westlund was found dead with horrific injuries to her head and body after taking her dog for a walk.

Police initially suspected her husband, but when forensic experts were called in they identified elk hair on her clothing, and also concluded that Mr. Westlund would not have been strong enough to inflict the injuries.

They now surmise that Mrs. Westlund’s dog disturbed the elk whilst it was eating fermented apples, which so incensed the elk that it turned on Mrs. Westlund.

Goran Erikson, who might be a former football manager, and is now an expert on animal behaviour, well it is a logical progression really, said he had never heard of a similar case and that elk are not generally natural born killers.

In the elk world, the animals themselves are keeping shtumm, no antlers are being pointed as the community draws together to protect one of its own.

Cryptozoology For Sceptics

Too Fat To Be Guilty – Stupid Criminal Of The Week Award.

Edward Ates reaction on being pronunced guity of murder after his trial for for killing Paul Duncsak, was one of disbelief. Duncsak was shot six times at his home 25 miles north-west of New York.

The two man had a long running business dispute.

Ates’s lawyers built their client’s defence case on a “too fat to kill” arugment reminiscent of a Jerry Springer show guest who was unhappy that his claim for disability befefits on grounds of being “too fat to wipe” had been turned down. It was not so much Ates’ 285 lb weight that his case hinged on but the fact that someone of his age and that heavy could not have made a quick getaway before police arrived to investigate the shots.

Ates had argued he did not have the energy to accurately shoot Duncsak from a perch on the staircase at Duncsak’s home in August 2006.

It was a poor defence when we remember that the current World Heavyweight boxing champ weighs 300lb.

The prosecution presented forensic, computer and video evidence placing Ates at the scene of the crime and showed that his gun had beenn used in the murder. Witnesses also said the killer had “bounded up the stars” to Dunscak’s apartment. His having driven from Florida to shoot his victim and them drove for 21 hours to his mothers home in Lousiana as well as bounding up the stairs threw sufficient doubt on his claims of immobility and lack of energy to allow the jury to reach a gulity verdict.

Assistant Prosecutor Wayne Mello termed Ates’ defense “nonsense” and credited dogged work by investigators that built a circumstantial case around cell phone and credit card records, video evidence and forensics.

This case teaches the would be criminal a lot about how not to win a Boggart Blog stupid criminal of the week award. Use old fashioned coin operated public phones to call home, use cash rather than credit card for small purchases and lose some weight. Being fat does not excuse murder.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Midsomer Mishaps

I like Midsomer Murders, now don’t start some of you – I know you think I should spend all my television time watching documentaries on BBC2 but of an evening I like the kind of shite that does not require concentration. Also, as I have not been very active recently due to disabilities giving a lot of gyp I’m entitled to be self – indulgent.

Anyway there is sod all in the news to write amusing posts about , had you heard BTW there’s an outbreak of plague in China, even though it is allegedly silly season all we are getting is silly doom and gloom.

So there I was last night enjoying a glass of fine Chianti (and not a fava bean in sight although there were plenty of human livers in the autopsy room at Midsomer Morgue) when in an unlikely twist of the plot one of the plodding coppers spots that the painting by an English landscape master that someone has been murdered for is a fake.

“See those pigs in the painting, they’re Tamworths” says plodding plod No.1

Plodding Plod No2. a.k.a. Detective Inspector Blunderby goes away and does a bit of research and three days later delivers the witty riposte: “Tamworths were not introduced to Britain until the 1860s but the painting was done in the 1790s. Ho ho ho, it’s a fake, if we knew who done it we’d have him bang to rights.”

A miscarriage of justice was imminent. You see Tamworth pigs are one of the oldest domesticated breeds in Britain, descendants of the indigenous wild boar as evidenced by their long heads and narrow bodies. Actually the pigs in the picture were generic pigs, nothing like Tamworths, though one might have been a Berkshire being black. The others were fat and pink like The Empress Of Blandings in the Wodehouse stories. You can’t fool a Shropshire lad when it comes to pigs.

Unfortunately the plodding coppers had no Shropshire lads to turn to for pig related advice and rushed off to wrongfully arrest their suspect.

After the plot had gone through several more unlikely twists (what other kind are there in Midsomer Murders) we arrived at the dénouement.

“You see Miss Sillytits, not only were you one of the few people who knew about the forgeries, you had access to the home of the first victim and you stood to gain a fortune if the second victim was eliminated. What’s more, you were the forgeries secret lover, if fact….” Here Inspector Blunderby pointed to a large canvas of a badly painted nude hanging on the wall of the gallery, “….you are the girl in that painting.”

Unfortunately the painting of the suspect, supposedly when she was a young art student in the 1970s, was a forgery. How do I know?

The girl had a landing strip and sculpted pubes did not become fashionable until the 1990s.

If the producers of Misomer Murders are reading this I am available at a reasonable fee to offer pig and pubes related consultancy.

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Failed Businessman Fails Again

A failed businessman shot his mother and four dogs, before setting his house on fire and attempting to shoot himself, because the mortgage company were about to re-posess his home.
The man had run up debts of £109,000 against his home, which doesn’t actually seem that much to me, considering the bungalow was worth £250,000.
He claims his mother begged him to shoot her rather than be kicked out of her home.
He was rescued from the burning home after finding that when he put the barrel of the shotgun to his head he couldn’t reach the trigger.
Doh. Doesn’t everyone know that if you are going to shoot yourself with a shotgun you put the barrel in your mouth and pull the trigger with your toe.
Seems like some people are too stupid even for a Darwin Award.

And if you thought this story was a downer you have not read Dogged By Depression. Find it at Greenteeth Multi Medias

Everybody loves a Stupid Criminal story. We bring you a recent one at Told by An Idiot

Never Mind The Bollocks

Still on the subject of cookery, we’ve got Jamie in Doncaster trying to teach the locals how to cook so they don’t have to rely on kebabs and crisps. poor, uneducated northerners.
Meanwhile in Leeds the culinary standards are suitably higher for this enterprising metropolis and they are certainly willing to have a go at the fine art of good home cooking without any help from celebrity chefs.
Anthony Morley, a chef himself and soon to be famous for his signature dish, stands accused of murdering his lover, Damian Oldfield, and then slicing off sections of the dead man’s thigh, sprinkling them with herbs and frying them in olive oil.
Morley walked into a local takeaway and asked staff to contact the police as he had killed someone.
In his home police found, along with the bloodstained body of the dead man, several pieces of cooked flesh on a chopping board and retrieved one piece from a bin, which apeared to have been chewed.
Counsel for the defence said that they were not contesting the fact that Mr. Morley killed Mr. Oldfield, “but at issue in the trial were questions of …. abnormality of mind.”
The defense will suggest that the state of Mr. Morley’s mind was disturbed as anyone should know that whilst olive oil and herbs are fine for tender young cuts of meat, thnk lamb or veal; older, tougher meat would need either to be slow cooked or marinated over night before cooking, to ensure the cut was tender and full of flavour.
Well probably they won’t but it makes a convincing defence to me.
Just as well The Testicle Cookbook hadn’t been published at the time.

If You Want To Kill Someone…

If there is anybody you want to kill now is a great time. They have switched on the Large Hadron Collider and it is slowly winding up to particle smashing speed.

Anyone who thought a second after it was switched on there would be a wimpy little “pouf” noise and we would all be sucked towards a hole in Switzerland was always going to be disappointed as will be those who thought we would discover the secrets of the Universe. And the thousands who thought they had found a way to escape the debt collectors.

The thing is it was always going to take a while to wind those proton beams up to 99.999991% of the speed of light. It took 90 minutes to complete the first 27km circuit, 18kilometers per hour. They should have hired Chris Hoy to pedal the bike that powers the generator.

So anyway we have a couple of days before the end of the Universe. Perfect if you fancy walking up to your worst enemy holding an axe to say, “As we only have a couple of days before everything gets dematerialised there is something I always wanted to give you – a very deep parting.”

The downside of course is if you do kill someone, we are not in the clear yet. The chances are the world will not end so it would be wise to make sure there are no witnesses to the crime.

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Meals on Wheels

A Chinese man has been arrested and charged with murder in Canada.
His 22 year old victim was stabbed, beheaded and then eaten.
On a Greyhound bus.

More on the Chinses diet from The Guardian…

Pet Sounds? Not in Beijing This story is good news for British Olympic medal hopes. Home althletes are usually expected to do well but The Chinese authorities have had all the cats and dogs removed from the streets of Beijing.

Which means all their runners etc. will be overweight.