It is a long estbablished tradition, observed since last year, that Boggart Blog’s first post of the New Year makes some predictions about what will happen in the coming twelve months. Nobody could have predicted how surreal and insane the stories that unfolded in 2011 would be so this year we are breaking with tradition a little and predicting ten things that will not happen in 2012.
Things that will not happen in 2012.
(1) Eurozone leaders will not agree that the single currency was an insane idea born out of a bureaucratic desire to abolish democracy. Having failed to see what is obvious to everyone else they will compound their folly by also not agreeing to stop wasting everybody’s time and money and disband the European Monetary System immediately.
(2) There will not be free and democratic elections in any of the nations involved in the Arab Spring. Such elections are their are will be controlled by Islamic fundamentalist groups whose
bloodthirsty, fanatical thugs election monitors will behead anyone who refuses to hand over their ballot paper and ask the fundamentalists leader to fill it in for them. The resulting “democratically elected government will not work towards a liberal western style democracy nor will they honour promises not to impose sharia law.
(3) In the USA the Republican Party will not find a credible candidate to take on Barack Obama. Unfortunately for the dwindling number of sane Americans in spite of arguments about Obama’s eligibility to serve as President having rumbled on throughout his Presidency, the US will not resolve the situation by passing a Catch 22 law which stipulates that as insaniacs are not eligible to be President and because anyone who wants to be President is obviously insane, all those who agree to run for the post are automatically disqualified.
(4) Manchester United player Patrice Evra will not drop his charge of racism against Liverpool’s Luis Suarez. Evra will tell a court: “My word against his my arse, what kind of justice system to you British run? The law of my tribe stipulates if I say he’s guilty then he’s guilty. And by the way, that Lorraine Kelly, right, she is a witch, you should stone her and burn her body. Everyone in the civilized world knows that’s the only way to get rid of evil spirits.”
(5) Anti hacking regulations will not stop tabloids revealing Ryan Giggs has been boffing Pippa Middleton, Tian Tian the Panda and Ann Widdecombe.
(6) The Olympic Games project will not be completed ahead of time and under budget. Britain’s athletes will not win shitloads of medals as they will all be trapped in their accommodation due to dodgy builders forgetting to put handles on the inside of the doors. The 57 old farts who run all sport will not admit the whole thing was a complete shambles and an exercise in wasting money not will they fuck the fucking fuck off and let competent people run the next one.
(7) The Queen will not jump on stage and stage dive into the audience during Ozzie Osbournes set at the Diamond Jubilee rock concert .
(8) Barack Obama will not be elected for a second term as President of the USA in spite of The Republicans not having a candidate. The election will be won by Bubbles the Chimp. Students of the US Consitution will immediately claim Bubbles is not elegible due to not being human. Bubble’s supporters will respond by saying those questioning the candidate’s legitimacy are racists.The highlight of Bubble’s victory speech will be the point at which he throws shit at the assembled Ambassadors and foreign leaders.
(9) BBC Radio 4 will not broadcast a fair, balanced and unbiased report on the Today programme. In a hearing before the Press complaints committee BBC executives will point out that as everyone who listens to Radio 4 is dead, the complaints are from supporters of political groups who object to paying the licence fee.
(10) The world will not come to an end. Scholars studying the Mayan calendar which predicts the end of the world on December 21, 2012, will finally decipher the last set of inscriptions and discover they read, “Gone to lunch, back at 1:30 pm, volcanic activity permitting.”