Boggart Blog predicts the big news stories that will not happen in 2012

It is a long estbablished tradition, observed since last year, that Boggart Blog’s first post of the New Year makes some predictions about what will happen in the coming twelve months. Nobody could have predicted how surreal and insane the stories that unfolded in 2011 would be so this year we are breaking with tradition a little and predicting ten things that will not happen in 2012.

Things that will not happen in 2012.

(1) Eurozone leaders will not agree that the single currency was an insane idea born out of a bureaucratic desire to abolish democracy. Having failed to see what is obvious to everyone else they will compound their folly by also not agreeing to stop wasting everybody’s time and money and disband the European Monetary System immediately.

(2) There will not be free and democratic elections in any of the nations involved in the Arab Spring. Such elections are their are will be controlled by Islamic fundamentalist groups whose bloodthirsty, fanatical thugs election monitors will behead anyone who refuses to hand over their ballot paper and ask the fundamentalists leader to fill it in for them. The resulting “democratically elected government will not work towards a liberal western style democracy nor will they honour promises not to impose sharia law.

(3) In the USA the Republican Party will not find a credible candidate to take on Barack Obama. Unfortunately for the dwindling number of sane Americans in spite of arguments about Obama’s eligibility to serve as President having rumbled on throughout his Presidency, the US will not resolve the situation by passing a Catch 22 law which stipulates that as insaniacs are not eligible to be President and because anyone who wants to be President is obviously insane, all those who agree to run for the post are automatically disqualified.

(4) Manchester United player Patrice Evra will not drop his charge of racism against Liverpool’s Luis Suarez. Evra will tell a court: “My word against his my arse, what kind of justice system to you British run? The law of my tribe stipulates if I say he’s guilty then he’s guilty. And by the way, that Lorraine Kelly, right, she is a witch, you should stone her and burn her body. Everyone in the civilized world knows that’s the only way to get rid of evil spirits.”

(5) Anti hacking regulations will not stop tabloids revealing Ryan Giggs has been boffing Pippa Middleton, Tian Tian the Panda and Ann Widdecombe.

(6) The Olympic Games project will not be completed ahead of time and under budget. Britain’s athletes will not win shitloads of medals as they will all be trapped in their accommodation due to dodgy builders forgetting to put handles on the inside of the doors. The 57 old farts who run all sport will not admit the whole thing was a complete shambles and an exercise in wasting money not will they fuck the fucking fuck off and let competent people run the next one.

(7) The Queen will not jump on stage and stage dive into the audience during Ozzie Osbournes set at the Diamond Jubilee rock concert .

(8) Barack Obama will not be elected for a second term as President of the USA in spite of The Republicans not having a candidate. The election will be won by Bubbles the Chimp. Students of the US Consitution will immediately claim Bubbles is not elegible due to not being human. Bubble’s supporters will respond by saying those questioning the candidate’s legitimacy are racists.The highlight of Bubble’s victory speech will be the point at which he throws shit at the assembled Ambassadors and foreign leaders.

(9) BBC Radio 4 will not broadcast a fair, balanced and unbiased report on the Today programme. In a hearing before the Press complaints committee BBC executives will point out that as everyone who listens to Radio 4 is dead, the complaints are from supporters of political groups who object to paying the licence fee.

(10) The world will not come to an end. Scholars studying the Mayan calendar which predicts the end of the world on December 21, 2012, will finally decipher the last set of inscriptions and discover they read, “Gone to lunch, back at 1:30 pm, volcanic activity permitting.”

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The Craziest Year Yet

Let’s face it, every year at this time of year the stoics among say to all those optimists who assure us Things Can Only Get Better, “No things can get a lot worse and probably will.”

Meanwhile those people who are neither stoical nor insanely optimistic say, “Oh God, please make it stop.”

This kind of plea only invites God to supply yet more proff that (a) He does not exist … or (b) that He moves in mysterious ways his woodwork to perform.

A story I lifted directly from another blog because I cannot possibly think of anything that would embellish it shows that as of 2011 the world is so insane nothing could get crazier – until 2012 is this:

Donald Duck settled out of court after he was accused of groping a housewife. Ms April Magolon said she was visiting Epcot Disney Center in Florida when an employee dressed as Donald Duck coped a feel while signing an autograph. Magolon claimed that her abuse at the puffy hands of this cartoon character caused her “severe physical injury, emotional anguish and distress including, but not limited to post-traumatic stress disorder.” It might read like the lady was exaggerating, but closer inspection reveals that Donald Duck had form. The same employee had received 24 complaints for molestation and child battery while dressed as Tigger.

Read more of the insanities of 2011 – all from America (natch.)

Happy New Year Everyone

Boggart Blog Awards – Incompetent Bureaucrats, Annoying People and The Dive Of Death

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! 😀

The Boggart Blog Personality of the Year Awards for 2008.

The Incompetent Bureaucrats Of The Year award goes to the Birmingham (West Midlands) City Council environmental awareness squad who sent out a leaflet thanking council tax payers for their support of the rubbish recycling programme (that’s not the programme was rubbish of course, it was about recycling rubbish.) Unfortunately nobody involved in the preparation of the leaflet noticed it showed a picture not of Birmingham (a.k.a. Brummagem,) West Midlands but Birming – Ham, Alabama. Good work there guys, keep it up.

The Crappest Showbiz Stunt Of The Year for 2008 is David Blaine’s Dive Of Death in which the illusionist hung upside down for several minutes at a time in between brew breaks, wee breaks and photo-opportunity breaks in New York’s Central Park. A far more impressive Dive Of Death though it was not unfortunately nominated for the award was the occasion on which Guy Ritchie went down on Madonna and failed to satisfy her. It killed their marriage.

Finally our top award, most pointless celebrity of the year was a closely fought contest between Heather Mills McCartney, Britney Spears, Barack Obama, Joe Swash, Amy Winehouse and Peter Mandleson.

In the end though we gave the award to Paul Burrell simply because we all hate the smug, unctuous, self satisfied git.

That’s all ’til 2009 folks….;D

DON’T FORGET the excellent reading available on our main site Greenteth Multi Media

Calorie Offsetting -The All New Way to Lose Money

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New Year Futurology – Predictions for 2008

Planned a day off today but I had to put the computer on to finish a very funny New Year message for some people campaigning to save a vital part of the NHS, and their jobs. So Happy New Year everyone.

Don’t we love all the predictions that are trotted out on this day every year and all those talking heads who queue up to tell us what will happen in the coming year. They are never right of course, but we do not actually care, the sport is in seeing them talking bollocks just to get on television or in the papers.
I’m not talking about people like Mystic Meg and Jonathan Cainer of course.
Dear Old Mystic Meg has been predicting the same things for the past twenty years, someone who lives in Britain will have a big win on the lottery and if your name is Mary or John, Great Uncle Arthur has sent you a message from the other side to tell you the will is hidden in the shed.
Jonathan Cainer deserves to be taken more seriously as he is a professional nutter and not just some hack journalist using a silly pen name. Jonny’s predictions get whackier every year. For 2008 he says we should all forget the credit crunch, climate change and all the doom and gloom because the starts predict it will be a wonderful year. But then he said that about 2007 a year ago and never mentioned the floods, the Northern Rock crisis, the collapse of the American economy or any of the other shite that happened around the world and made the news.
None of those are the predictions I like though, the ones from political commentators, business pundits and “experts” are most fun because they are so obviously made by people trying to put positive spin on the consequences of their ineptitude.
The best this year comes from business group The Confederation of British Industry. The CBI admit the current economic difficulties mean 2008 will be a tough year for everybody which is big of them.
“But,” they add brightly, “though the impact of the economic crisis, compounded by the rising cost of oil, food and other basic commodities will affect us all, the economy is heading for a soft landing.”
To unspin that, the soft landing crap can only mean we are falling into in much deeper shit than anybody is letting on.

Proud To Be Pissed – A New Year Message for readers.

Boggart Blog’s New Year Message to our readers is “be proud of your heritage, get bladdered.”

Despite repeated Government warnings of the health hazards of binge drinking which suggest it is a recent phemonnonomonxxx phnemnioxxxxx pfemonionxxxxx trend (sorry we’ve had a couple in the editorial office)binge drinking is a longstanding British tradition.
Hazel Blears who is minister for saying very silly things issued a statement to the effect that the British are not ready to adopt continental drinking patterns.

Too Bloody Right we’re not. We enjoy getting rat – arsed. The Roman historian Tacitus, writing in the first century AD said, “The Britons have a tendency when feasting to drink ale or wine until they fall into a stupor.” Julius Caesar had first noted the trend a hundred years earlier. “They are formidable fighters but unreliable due to their habit of drinking heavily before battle,” he noted.

So forget the shame attached to drunkenness, that is just an invention of the nanny state. Let’s welcome the New Year by proclaiming to the world that we the British people are Proud To Be Pissed.

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