Face It: Eating Shite Makes You Fat And Ill

There has been a lot of talk this week about how fat we (as a nation) are getting. The ambulance service say they are having to order vans with wider doos, reinforced beds and lifting gear (same as the kit on bin wagons we hope) to cope with the number of hugely huge gutbuckets (not a lot of sympathy here) who are getting sick.

Prisons say they are finding obese prisoners senteced to jail for stealing junk food are too big to fit into standard cells.

Bus companies are running at a loss because passengers demand a double seat for a single fare.

And riding schools are complaining that once they used to get young professionals who would take the mobile phone and filofax along to their riding lessons because they were trying to ride two horses with one arse but now two horses aren’t enough to support one arse.

We’re getting bigger.

Nudger Cameron has been asking his Big Society (no pun intended) (OK, I’m lying) why this is.

Boggart Blog can tell him without need for an expensives social survey. We are eating too much shite made from chemicals.

For the first time last night I saw an ad for a new food product that promises a quick, no fuss bacon and egg sarnie. Only it’s not is it? It might be no fuss but it’s also no bacon and no egg. Instead you get chemicals.

What you buy is slices of bread impregnated with bacon flavoured chemicals and egg flavoured chemicals. You take it out of the expensive and ecologiclly hostile packaging and pop it in the toaster. Two minutes later you have a bacon and egg flavoured slice of toasted chemicals.

What’s the betting it tastes as much like a bacon and egg sandwich as BBQ beef flavoured crisps taste like a char grilled filet steak. But you eat it because it does say on the packaging it’s tasty.

And the chemicals are addictive. So you eat another. And another. And some fish and chip flavoured crisps. And some jam roly poly with custard flavoured instant dessert.

And the chemicals are not only addictive, they are toxic and make you retain water. So you become a bloater. But still you want to eat more chemcals becauce they promise they will taste so good you forget about the metallic, monosodiumglutimaey aftertase that lingers for days.

And before you know it you are being carted off in a supersize ambulance to the “Too Fat To Wipe” ward at the local hospital where you are admitted through the goods entrance on a fork lift truck.

When I read articles in a certain type of newspaper predicting the end of civilisation as we know it I take them with a pinch of salt (natural sea salt of course) But I wonder if I should read them more seriously. If our humanity has been so degraded by the advertising industry we would rather eat chemicals than take the trouble to knock up a delicious bacon and egg sarnie we are well and truly fucked.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Normal, Fat Or Obese? 51% Of Parents Can’t Tell The Difference

A stunning headline in The Sun today, but not altogether surprising when you think about it.

51% OF PARENTS CAN’T TELL IF A KID IS OBESE

According to a poll of 1,200 parents seriously overweight children are often regarded as just being a bit on the tubby side by their doting Mums and Dads.

Parents in the study were shown pictures of children at a normal weight, slightly overweight and obese and over half of the parents failed to identify the obese children, labelling them instead as “slightly overweight”.

Boggartblog went to interview one of the families involved in the research, The Lardarses and their daughter Cherryade, who at 10 years old weighs in at 10 and a half stone or round about 65 kilos.

BB. Mr and Mrs Lardarse, good afternooon. I’m from Boggartblog and I’m here to ask you some questions concerning your daughter’s weight.

Mrs L. There’s nuffink wrong with our Cherryade. She’s got a bit of puppyfat on ‘er it’s true, but she’ll soon grow out of that!

BB. According to the letter you have shown me from the NHS it seems Cherryade has a BMI of over 45.
The normal BMI is less than 25. Don’t you think that makes Cherryade very overweight?

Mr L. You buggers is all the same.
You come round ‘ere poking your noses into where they ain’t wanted, telling people how to run their lives an bring up their children.
I bet you ‘aven’t got kids ‘ave you?

BB. Well actually I have, but I’m not here to get into an argument…

Mrs L. Ha! A likely story.
You’re just as bad as all them busybody social workers wot keeps telling us little Cherryade is fat.

She ain’t fat, she’s got big bones. She ‘ardly eats a fing really.

‘Er teachers at school is always on at ‘er, tryin’ to get ‘er to do P.E., or go out in the playground for a walk at lunchtime, but she can’t do that cos she ain’t got the energy on account of she just don’t eat much.

BB. But don’t you think at 10 years old she shouldn’t really be wearing an adults Size 16 clothes?

Mr. L. She’s quite mature for ‘er age is our Cherryade. There’s nuffink wrong with wearing more sofisticated clothing.
She don’t like stupid little girl fings anymore. She’s out-grown that sort of fing.
Jus’ like she doesn’t like My Little Pony anymore. She wants to sit and watch Desperate Housewives or Sex and the City.
And she doesn’t eat Kids Meals anymore eever, she likes proper grown up food like KFC. Whopper burgers, large Coke and fries that’s ‘er favourite.
And yes we do spoil ‘er a little bit, but so does every parent, probably even the Anti-fat Nazi Social Workers wot is always coming around ‘ere threatening us wiv taking little Cherryade off of us cos we can’t look after ‘er proper.

I never ‘eard such a load of twaddle in all me born days.

Now they say she is obese. They say we is bad parents cos we don’t see that she is obese.

But I’ll tell you what, you must be an heducated person if you is a reporter, what exactly does obese mean?

BB Thank-you, Mr. and Mrs. Lardarse for talking to us this afternoon.
So as you can see the headline in The Sun should really have read
51% of parents don’t know what obese means.
It certainly makes more sense that way.

RELATED POSTS:
Council Puts Child, 5 In Care For Breing Obese

British Childen Do Us Proud In Fatness League

A report in The Daily Telegraph says:

Startling new research on childhood obesity published today suggests that British kiddies spend an average of £372 on sweets and chocolate-based treats every year. That’s equivalent to about 100kg of Cola chews (or Gobstoppers) or 850 Snickers bars. What is more shocking, the figure is almost twice what children in the USA spend…”

Read more: British Children Getting Fat Faster Than Ameticans

Great to hear our kids are catching up at something but let’s not be too hard on the Yanks, they have built up a comfortable lead.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

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The Misery Pill

Fighting Back Against The Food Fascists.

All too often in the past when we have reported on the activities of scientists who labour on behalf of Nanny State and her cohorts Big Pharma and Big Food it has been to warn you of their latest wild adventure in spreading fear and panic by warning us of the dangers of perfectly harmless and agreeable activities. Nanny sternly wags her finger in front of our faces why her humpa-lumpas produce bogus statistics (remember, all government statistics are bogus,) to show us how, were we to mend our irresponsible ways, we could all live pleasureless and blameless lives for ever and ever.

What do they warn us of? Here are a few examples to remind you.

We must not eat tasty food as it contains salt and fat which if eaten in excess can kills us and which even taken in moderation can set us on the slippery slope to addiction and depravity.

RELATED POSTS:
Nanny State has Her CAke And Eats It.
We must not drink booze as even a small sip of weak beer will rot your liver, make you old before your time, addle your brains and lead to your laddering your stockings, smudging your eye makeup and being gang raped by Premiership footballers even if you are a fifty year old bloke who like a couple of cans at home of an evening.

We must not eat red meat, it clogs up our arteries and gives us cancer.

We must not drink strong coffee as it causes a different sort of cancer, destroys our ability to concentrate and stains teeth.

We must not eat snacks, chocolate and sweeties as they make us obese which puts an unfair burden on the Health Service and increases carbon emissions because cars and buses laden with overweight people use more fuel.

Lastly of course we must never do anything that is fun. All such activities are fraught with danger, from falling off our horse or bike to breaking a leg while kicking a ball, falling over when drunk, being hit on the head by our own surfboard, catching a social disease or being blown up by terrorists.

And as we try to take on board this information, so much of which is contradicted by our experience we are distracted by Nanny’s accusing finger wagging sternly in front of our faces.

The world is truly a place to inspire fear and panic in people who do not listen to Nanny State. She cares.

At last we are getting some scientists of our side. In recent weeks we scientific studies have shown that drinking wine reduces risk of heart disease, having sex is a good cardio-respiratory exercise, strong coffee retards the progress of Alzheimer’s disease, the low fat spread recommended instead of butter by the food science industry is actually nearer to arterial plaque than anything you will ever encounter in nature, red meat is not unhealthy unless it is pumped full of chemicals developed by food scientists and a little of what you fancy does you good.

And now a group of Spanish Scientists have proved that drinking beer prevents brittle bone disease.

Put all these together and it become clear that rather than listening to Nanny’s whining voice and being intimidated by her wagging finger, if we ignore these warnings to live lives of irresponsible hedonism we might get lucky and enjoy a long, healthy life. but at least we will enjoy life.

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More humour every day at Boggart Blog

THE DAILY STIRRER
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bogboggart
Greenteeth Comedy Pages
A Tale Told By An Idiot
Ian at Authorsden

Labour MP’s Food Bill: Fat Cat or Fat Bastard. More Bad News For Conservatives.

We would like to move on from the MP’s expenses scandal, we really would but the stories that keep being revealed present satirical bloggers with such wide open goals it would be a crime to miss them (unless you are a Newcastle United striker in which case it is par for the course,)

The latest blow to Labour’s political credibility comes from chief whip and the Prime Minister’s “enforcer” Nick Brown (no relation) who, news media have revealed claimed £18,000 in unreceipted expenses for food. “Unreceipted” means he was not eating in expensive restaurants but was either pigging out on junk from fast food places or buying multiple trolleyloads of stuff down the supermarket.

How does anyone spend eighteen grand on food? Even if he only shops at Waitrose that’s a lorra scran. And how hypocritical are these people, always banging on about how evil it is to be overweight and how obesity is dragging the country towards bankruptcy. It’s not as if those greedy buggers are all borderline anorexic is it?

Still, on the plus side anyone who eats that much food would not need to claim for manure to spread on his garden.

But it is not just Labour that keep scoring own goals. With knobheads like Gloucester candidate Richard Graham the Conservatives are not home and hosed yet.

Richard posted on his website a copy of a letter sent to The Times (perhaps our resident Times reader fatsally can tell us whether it was printed exactly as written.) The message Richard sent is reproduced below: verbatim.

“For anyone aspiring to be an MP it’s been pretty depressing to see how ridiculed politicians have become. ‘You are all the same’ is the cry on the doorstep but of course we are not even if the Telegraph has unearthed a lot of bad apples, and it was reassuring yesterday and today to meet people who realised that and just want to see some honesty and hard work from their cunt.”

Queried on this Richard said he was tired when he typed the item and it should have read “councillor.”

So leaving aside the grammatical shortcomings and the intriguing reference to unearthing apples (perhaps he was thinking of pommes de terre) it remains to be established if Mr. Graham is a lousy typist or imply illiterate.

The voters of Gloucester will decide.

THE DAILY STIRRER
and don’t forget all the other Greenteeth Multi Media pages…
Greenteeth Multi Media
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Greenteeth Comedy Pages
A Tale Told By An Idiot

Goodbye lardarse, 2009 Is The Year Of The lardhead.

A news story in The Daily Telegraph on New Year’s Eve warned us all that too much thinking can make people fat.

Yes, that is correct, thinking makes you fat. According to research carried out by scientists (don’t you just love them?) at the University of Somewhere We’ve Never heard Of In Canada, spending one’s life sitting around thinking clever stuff can lead to obesity. Doesn’t matter if you eat bran or bacon butties, wholemeal brown bread or highly processed while sliced, butter or low fat spread.

Now the reprobates in the Boggart Blog office make no claims about being competent in scientific clever stuff but we would guess it’s the sitting around part rather than the thinking that leads to weight gain. We don’t know much about food science, you might say, but we know what we like. And let there be no doubt, sausages sarnies with brown sauce, burgers or chip butties just do not work on healthy brown bread.

But as we say, we are not scientists so we thought we had better look into this more deeply if only to affirm the correctness of our decisions to pursue the lifestyle of silly buggers. Well it seems the scientists have found that while thinking is a low energy occupation it is in fact very stressful, especially if one tries to think thoughts that are too big for one’s brain. And the stress of thinking these thoughts leads to people ordering in pizzas, Indian or Chinese takeaways, fish chips and peas with a steak pudding on the side or truckloads of Mars Bars – oh no sorry, that is caused by something else entirely.

The Telegraph story “Too much thinking can make you fat” carries a full report on how the experiments were conducted although this does not really explain how the scientists knew they were choosing serious thinkers and not just pikeys who heard there was free food going and pretended to think.

But I sense some of you are confused. “What on earth are you playing at Ian, a Guardian Reader like you looking in that nasty, right wing Telegraph?” you might well be asking.

I’ll be honest, I was absolutely sick of reading the sycophantic arse dribble written by Guardian writers as they queue to kiss Barak Obama’s arse and worship his “intellect, vision and charisma.” (The Obamessiah may possess all these qualities but so far we only have his word for it.) Perversely the same people who want to worship the Obamessiah are the ones who get very upset with Boggart Blog for making fun of scientists.

Well let’s accept this new research is correct. What does that say about Sidi Obama’s intellect? Not much thinking going on in his head obviously.

BUT WHILE WE CELEBRATE the loonyness of academics let us not forget that when it comes to sheer howling at the moon and chewing the carpet startk raving bonkers in the head mentalism you cant beat the old aristocratic families as the obituary of Lady Anne Cavendish – Bentinck reminds us.

Check out Brown Bread and more food related comic verse on Ian’s page at Authorsden

Education: Pupils To Be Rewarded For Healthy Eating

A Scottish Education Authority, we learn, has introduced a scheme that will encourage children to take up a more healthy diet by awarding points for each healthy meal they eat. When pupils have earned enough points they can buy livestock, medical supplies or classroom equipment for third world villages and schools.

What a lousy idea. Scotland is said to have one of the worst diets in Europe and very big problems with obesity in both adults and children. Is bribery the right way to engage obese children though? We can just see Scottish children being inspired to give up their pizza, pies and deep fried Lard in order to eat salads and buy chickens and pencils for someone in a village on the other side of the world. Members of the Politically Correct Police may accuse us Boggart Bloggers of having a jaundiced view of childhood but we were all children ourselves once (not one of usobese however) and we remember what shallow, self – interested little monsters we were.

If educationalists really want to get children eating more healthily and developing good habits that will help them avoid becoming obese and having serious health problems in later life the bribes on offer will have to appeal not to altruism but to materialism. Even the offspring of the most politically correct parents are going to be more willing to eat a hundred and fifty salads or vegetarian chillis if there is an iPod to be had at the end of the ordeal.

A hundred and fifty salads represents a universe of suffering to a child reared on deep fried pizza and fish suppers. To ask them to go through such an ordeal just to send forty chickens – the basis of a hundred and sixty chicken suppers from the loval takeaway – to a village in Africa is too much. There is also the problem of understanding; children respond to tangible reward. Were anybody able to endure the ordeal of gathering the necessary three thousand two hundred points (thirty two thousand nine hundred vegetarian meals) they would surely feel entitled or receiving their thank you note to demand “Where’s ma fucking Yak, Jimmy?”

Getting children in the third world to eat healthily would be more practical. The diet is already healthy and simply giving them enough of it would be sufficient reward. Yaks, goats and chickens might be a goal worth attaining in such environments but in the western world most children would be more inspired by the promise of skateboards, Playstations, mountain bikes, Remote Control Pirate Ships (like the one I got for my 60th birthday*) and electronic gadgets. There are exceptions of course, young Ethiopia Zeitgeist – McDonald, homeschooled child of a couple of meeja professionals would still valiantly much his way throuch several million portions of crudities with hummus dip to get his hands on the first cloned Woolly Mammoth but in general the scheme is a loser.

*I mention this just to prove I am qualified to write about children.

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Don’t foret to check our “long tail” site Greenteeth Multi Media

The Size Zero President and Gordon’s War On Fat.

medical, financial,Less that a week elapsed between America electing its first Celebrity size zero President and our own non-too sylph like Gordon Brown announcing a war on fat. While rumours circulate that Obama had to shed two hundred pounds as well as losing a serious coke habit and erasing a few rent boys (allegedly) in order to guarantee saturation coverage in polyunsaturated television news and the less than heavyweight press and thus secure the air-head vote, Brown’s actions we suspect are part bandwagon jumping and part desperation.

With the financial crisis deepening by the day and the government’s scope for making the savings needed to bail out bankrupt bankers the National Health Service budget must be vulnerable. Brown, and his predecessor Tony Blair have long been threatening to deny NHS treatments to people who contribute to their own need for medical attention by insisting on having a life rather than sitting in their homes wrapped in cotton wool all the time.

They first attack the things that do not seem unreasonable of course. Drinking for example. If we drink to much it is bad for us, even bozo’s can get their heads round that so we go along with it. Just reverse that though. Alcohol is know to have certain health benefits, particularly in protecting against heart disease, one of the likely consequences of drinking heavily. So how long will it be before they’re telling us :
“You’re having a heart attack, we’re not going to treat you because you must have been drinking too much,”
and when we reply:
“but I don’t drink.” they tell us:
“then you don’t deserve treatment you selfish bastard, you did not take steps to protect yourself against heart disease.”

Bureaucrats have no sense of humour of course, they will not see the irony in this.

Speaking of irony brings me back to the irony of the world’s most obese nation electing as its President an anorexic. It can only end in tears.

More creditcrunch and economic pitfalls for Gordon as Osborne talks down the pound

More humour every day from Boggart Blog

Cameron Gets His Nudger Out

Gordon brown has his big clunking fist and David Cameron has his nudger.

This summer it seems every political leader needs a nudger; nudging is the rage around Whitehall and Washington.

Should we welcome the appearance of David Cameron?s nudger or be afraid of it? Well if it was going to keep him busy in the boudoirs of Belgravia and Berkshire for the next few months it might do us all a favour. We do not know if the Camerons actually live in Berkshire but he looks a right Berkshire* type to us.

Alas when David Cameron talks of nudging he does not use it in any of the familiar colloquial senses. The Conservative leader?s nudger is nothing amusing or scandalous, it is the wagging finger of The Nanny State in disguise and it is ready to give us a good nudging or telling off for our irresponsible ways.

The word nudge (from Norwegian nyggja; to poke) can mean to push or poke and the tool David Cameron is going to use to poke us was defined or rather redefined by Shadow Nudger George Osborne in a recent speech. Far from being in Berkshire* or Surrey nudging their significant others (or someone else?s significant other) the top Tories are going to be busy nagging us with Nannyish finger waging in our faces. I?ve said it before and I?ll say it again, thery?re still Thatcher?s party.

This new definition of nugding comes, naturally enough from America where two opportunistic bastards xxx social scientists recommend a type of social control they call Libertarian Paternalism.

Libertarian Paternalism does not seek to prohibit our drinking too much, shagging around, living on pizza and ice cream or putting the pedal to the metal when driving. Libertarian Pater will not send round big blokes in gimp masks to hit us with baseball bats that have nails hammered through the end if we step over the line. Oh no, Libertarian Pater has a much worse punishment lined up. He will nag us in a whining, insistent voice, going on?.an?.on ?. and ?. on.

Fatsally and myself have first hand experience of this kind of paternalism.

“Well of course you are free to do as you wish but if you eat only pizza and ice cream you?ll regret it in years to come, look how I suffered with my ulcers,”

or;

“You might think the civil service is boring now, but in twenty-five years you?ll wish you had a job with good pension rights,”

or;

“I warned you what would happen if you decided to have a life instead of saving your money. Don?t expect any sympathy from me.”

And in this way the Conservatives plan to save money on benefits and NHS costs simply by nudging and nagging us until, worn out, we adopt a life of dull conformity free of all risks and fun.

The scary thing about Libertarian Paternalism, aka nudging, is it does not carry the authoritarian threat of a good spanking that Nanny Thatcher?s finger wagging session used to.

Those wicked Tory nudgers even plan to take that pleasure away from us.

*Berkshire; rhyming slang, Berkshire Hunt ? work it out.

More humour every day from Boggart Blog

Ice Cream and Chips

Ice Cream Death

Paid to get slim?

Today we read of the craziest plan yet devised by government health advisers to encourage obese people to lose weight.

They suggest people who are grossly overweight because they constantly pig out on ready meals, takeaways, pizzas and fatty snacks should be paid to get slim.

Do you see the flaw here? Because of the chemical composition of fast foods, they are addivtive. The food scientists have taken the Chinese idea of “thirty minutes later you could eat it again,” and perfected it. Now with fast foods we find that thirty minutes later we HAVE to eat it again, but double portions. These meals and snacks are addictive.

So what is the point giving food addicts money to get slim. They will only spend it on fast food.