Drinking For England

At every Olympic Games the host nation is allowed to introduce a sport, some of which are accepted into the games as permanent fixtures and others of which one never hears of again at international level.
The suggestion has been made that we should introduce Morris Dancing at the 2012 Olympics.
But thinking about the governments attempts to moderate our drinking behaviour it struck me that they continually make a serious error of judgement, where the government thinks we drink for the social benefit, many regular drinkers see it as a competitive sport.
An ability to hold ones ale is an attribute much sought after, along with being the last man staggering, but at least technically not comatose, whilst one’s drinking buddies lie scattered under the table.
Conversely those of a less robust constitution are derided as wimps, “half a pint and he’s legless”.
The ability to imbibe a veritable cocktail of liquors is also much admired, as is the ownership of a metabolism and digestive system that can cope with the exotic hangover cures, raw egg and chili or a good old fashioned English fry up ( including black pudding).

So there we have it, a new sport for the Olympics. There is a huge pool of talent just waiting to start subsidised training, to bring itself up to scratch in what would be an intensely competitive discipline.

Events could include;
the 8 pint dash
the spirit chase
the tequila shot put
the marathon pub crawl
the javelin throw up
the pintathlon

I predict a glut of medals for the English competitors, with the ladettes out-shining the lads and we could probably even field a decent under 16 team.

European championship of beer On the spot reports on the action from Boggart Blog’s sports team.

Green Ham

Today am special treats for BoggartBlog fans; while ghost writer Ian dayoffs having to cover world events in Singapore big Boggart Boss Jenny am fillings in for. Generous and considerate boss boggart amn’t Jenny?
Send Ian to report on Olympian Gamings I have, sayings “tell them bog snorkelling must be Olympian sport or I am turn atty – letics track into swamp, oh yes.
Yesterdays Jenny have jollies too, I am go Scottishland for help with protestings about G8. What them X – Factors singing people go to do with third world poverty I asking, oh yes? Nessun Dorma my algae covered arse, they am not sleep in Africy because too hungry. So Jenny thinking “security am protecting world leader from realities and crusties, protest am needing 20,000 year olds pan dimensional being to confronting they and telling no more fuckupings world or I make floods and hurricanes and big shit hittings wind turbine am.”
Americy they am causings Jenny big bog problem, draining aquifers for diswasher usings. So bad now, in New Orly – leans stiffs staying underground and not popping ups like they should from waterlogged graveses. What scary about stiffs what stayings underground? What good to boggart are place without bogs coz all water in dishwasher, oh yes?
So Jenny go through streams and rivers and swamps and a toad tunnel under motorway and hide ready to make protest. When Americy – can guy am go for walk near ornamental pond there much bubbling and farty smells and gushings swirlings vortices then Jenny am confront him in all her irresistibe loveliness and leg of cured pork behind my back am have, Oh yes.
“What am goings on?” him say. “Shoot this crazy old bitch,” him say but security guards am not see pan dimensional manifest stations so I whack him with pork and say “It ham, Bush.”
Then back into pond and swimming away in all directions at once am with sound of manic laughter booming out of every toilet and sewer outlet in Scottishland.
love and peas,
Jenny Greenteeth.

Don’t Miss Tomorrow’s BoggartBlog featuring a special on the spot report from Singapore and analysis by top conspiracy theorist Ed. Butt.

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