And the Oscar goes to

It’s that weekend again when the MKultra factory that is Hollywood gathers it population of the talentless, the retarded, the cosmetically reconstructed and the generally useless so they can all congratulate each other on being “simply wonderful dahling.”

This year the name of the little statuettes could have been changed to the POScars as POS is the hands down winner of the TLA of the year award.

So which Piles Of Shit deserved to wing and which didn’t?

12 Years A Slave was predictable winner of best film because it is about black people being treated badly by white people. (There is only one thing the Hollywood glitterati are more addicted to that botox, fame, cocaine, prescription drugs and publicity and that is guilt. Pity the tossers are so shameless about passing of utter shite as art.) 12 Years A Slave is supposedly a true story. Well it’s true that the central character was a real person, a free black man who was kidnapped and sold into slavery. Less likely is that the aforementioned central character spen his twelve years of slavery being flogged, tortured and humiliated (along with his very attractive girlfriend) in order to provide the script for a soft porn, SMBD blackxploitation movie.The plantation owners were businessmen, they didn’t invest money in slaves for their mates to have fun, they wanted workers. It was often written by contemporary chroniclers that slaves were in some ways better off than the free poor. If you were free nobody cared if you starved, if someone had invested money in you, they were going to feed you.

The second most prestigious award,the POScar for best director when to a POS titled Gravity. This was the picture that most blatantly targeted the kind of geeks who watch Star trek thinking it is a fly on the wall documentary. Gravity is idiotic in every way, ’nuff said.

Disney Studios won the POScar for best animated film for a POS that is exactly like every other Disney animation, sentimental, mawkish, cutesy pie drivel.

Best Actor POScar went to Matthew McConaughey for playing the role of a man who helped HIV positive people buy illegal drugs legally. If these people were HIV positive you’d think there’s a good chance they would have had enough of illegal drugs. McConaughey’s acceptance speech however suggested he had personally tested the drugs his character was supplying.

There was one other award worth noting. The Oscar for best psychotic killer of the year went to some guy name Pistorius.

Boggart Blog reveals Abraham Lincoln’s Secret

With the film Lincoln (starring Daniel Day Lewis and his effing left foot) loved by critics, showered with oscars, but getting clouted by Skyfall and Oz The Powerful at the box office we have decided to give the Hollywood film a boost by revealing President Abraham Lincoln’s great secret.

Yess, he had a penchant for silly beards and bad hats, yes he emancipated the slaves and …

YES HE WAS REALLY A WOMAN – see for yourselves.

abelincolnwoman

This explains a lot. And it also teaches us that not only is Daniel Day Lewis a lousy actor, a pretentious knob and a boring little tit, he’s a bad transvestite too.

And the Arsecar for biggest bottom goes to …

(Cue music: big bottom by Spinal Tap)

We missed reporting the Oscars from Hollywood last night. Other bloggers were up all night live blogging but we gave it a miss because:

Everyone knew Daniel Day Lewis was going to win.

Daniel Day Lewis has a thin, reedy voice.

Daniel Day Lewis can’t act.

Daniel Day Lewis won an Oscar for playing a spazza. When me and my mates did an ensemble spazza round the schoolyard in 1963 we all got detention. So Daniel Day Lewis is obviously an agent of the New World Order.

Daniel Day Lewis is a twat.

Instead of covering the Oscars then, Boggart Blog’s owner sent us to report the Arsecars.

Dionne Washington was up for the top award, she claims to have the biggest arse in the world (except for Daniel Day Lewis who is an arse). See for yourselves:

arse1

Dionne (5′ 4″) told the Boggart Blog reporter she can’t imagine anything worse than dieting. Her massive bum is 5ft 3ins across (Boggart Blog writer fatsally is five feet three high) and weighs a whopping 120 pounds – about the same as Kate Moss holding twenty pounds of coke.

She knows how much her bottom weighs because four men lifted her up and flopped it down on a set of industrial scales while holding up the rest of her. At its widest point, it’s 14ft 9ins around, and she’s on a mission to make it even bigger.

“I am literally sitting on a fortune,” says Dionne, 35. “My butt must be the widest in the world and it already earns me over $180,000 in the past year. I used to hate it, but now it’s my fave feature.”

In best tabloid style we say Dionne is sitting on a goldmine.

However, Amanda Thornton of Atlanta, Georgia, has something to say about Dionne’s claim for biggest butt:”You don’t call that a butt do you, I’ve seen cocktail sticks with bigger arses. I have a much bigger bottom but I didn’t even get nominated. It’s goddam racism that’s what it is, well they can kiss my black ass.

Amanda shows off her biggest asset.

arsecar-winner

Relive the moment:
Big Bottom by Spinal Tap

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Your Bottom (comic verse)

Tiger Woods: Sorry, But Don’t Forget I’m The Victim Here.

So Tiger Woods has apologised, to whom we are not quite sure. His wife, his mother, the fans, his sponsors, The King Of Norway? Maybe all of them.

The stage managed setting and somewhat theatrical contrition at times made the rambling, fourteen minute apology sound more like an Oscar winners speech. Actually it might not be a bad idea if Oscar winners were required to apologise rather than thanking everybody they have ever met.

If Kate Winslet, Leonardo di Caprio, James Cameron et al had been required to apologise for their involvement in Titanic they all might have been more particular in their choice of subsequent work. If Sylvester Stallone had had to apologise for Rocky he might not have inflicted Rocky 2 to 6 on us. If Hugh Grant was made to apologise for everything he might fuck off.

Tiger Woods had not won an Oscar though he might have been a contender for one of those porn movie Oscars they have in America, The Rogers I think they’re called, or something like that. Sadly he forgot to post footage of his exploits on You Tube and so did not qualify.

What Tiger mainly did in his apology was cast himself as the victim. He whined about his childhood, his lack of self worth, the way people around him who should have kept him on the straight and narrow encouraged him to believe the rules did not apply to him. He was a victim of his childhood, his success and his celebrity in other words.

In all, despite “embracing his guilt and owning it” according to one shrink the apology was laden with self pity and sounded like a plea to his fans to allow him back into their hears and wallets. Despite all the affected humility and the pain he obviously feels at having “let down people who saw me as a role model,” Tiger came across as a man who has a very high opinion of himself for someone whose success and fame rests on his ability to hit little balls with sticks.

There is the possibility of course it was all just a sop to sponsors.

The problem is of course the celebrity culture. Tiger Woods is a sports star like David Beckham, Ashley Cole or Freddie Flintoff. Why should we require that they be paragons of virtue? What business is Tiger’s sex life, Beckham’s extravagance or Freddie’s liking for more than a few beers to do with the public? We ought to be glad we can enjoy their talents and not pander to the media’s need to exploit their flaws.

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Great Career Move Britney

Danny Boyle: A Song For Oscar

Let’s celebrate the victory of the British film Slumdog Millionaire by revamping an old song. You all know the tune so these words can be sung as you watch the showbiz extravaganza on television tonight…

Oh Danny Boyle you won the effing Oscar
with your low – budget Slumdog Millionaire.
You beat Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
You beat them all and never brushed your hair.

Now come ye back and make a British movie
and show the world just how well we can do
with top class scripts and high quality actors.
Big budget blockbusters are just a pile of poo.

More humour every day from Boggart Blog

If Obama goes to Hollywood. Is this the dawning of the cinematic age of Obama asks Pajamas Media. It seems not as the current blockbusters are non PC action movies starring Clint Eastwood and Liam Neeson.