Teeth and Tattoos

Daytime TV presenter Jeremy Kyle who hosts the “Laugh at the Dysfunctional Pikey” morning slot has earned himself a primetime gig fronting a game show.

In an effort to distance himself from the “freakshow” front man image Jeremy has laid down stringent condistions for people wanting to be contestants on his new vehicle.

They must have more teeth than a bicycle has wheels and less facial tattoos than a spider has legs.

Half Term Animal Program Philippic

It is half term and I’m angry with the BBC or should I say I am more angry with them than usual.

Why does Ian get more angry with the BBC at half term? you might well ask. It is because on top of the usual stream of politically correct arse dribble, antiques shows, property developing for dummies and all that crap at half – term we get extra helpings of animal programmes. These animal programmes are always aimed at school children, they sentimentalise and anthropomorphise animals in a way that is totally patronizing to the audience but is guaranteed to get the kids demanding,

“Mum, Dad, Mum, can we have three dogs and eight cats and a hundred gerbils and two goats and some chickens and Llamas and a crocodile and a camel and… can we, can we? Aw go on, say we can,. can we, can we?

Now middle class parents have a ready made get out. They just say, “Well we could darlings, but if we had to keep all those animals in the garden where would the Filipino sleep. And if Chin Su had to go to the RSPCA to be rehomed who would clean your rooms and wash your clothes.

Not so unemployed single mothers struggling to bring up three kids on benefits while living in an eighth floor flat. There is no excuse for them.

The other problem with starting BBC style bedroom farms is while the BBC delight in showing close ups of cute, loveable, furry faces they never remind viewers that all animals have an unlovable end.

My most hated BBC half – term animal program is called Animal 24/7 and it is all about animals with life threatening diseases and illnesses thus ramping up the emotional blackmail by several million degrees. The only television experience than a show about animals with diseases is one about fat, ugly, stupid humans with repulsive diseases and disgusting personal habit shown very late on Channel 4.

Animal 24/7 is presented by a posh bloke called something like Rupert Poncington – Schitte who looks like one of those badly drawn characters from a 1950s comic. Or as if he has been hit in the face with a shovel.

Rupert or whatever his name is cares so much about animals he quivers when he talks about neglect and cruelty. Which is fine, everybody should detest people who are cruel to their animals. Trouble with Rupert is he thinks everyone cares as much about animals as he does (actually my wife does which is why I see the show.) The whole show is an emotional blackmail session aimed at getting people to run off to the local RSPCA rehoming centre and offer to give a home to all the kittens, puppies, piss factory Tom cats and mangy old mutts in residence. Although Rupert’s pitch is aimed at all classes it works best on pikeys. The middle classes have ways of making themselves immune (sic).

“Tarquin dear, Jemima darling, if we had a dog we couldn’t take it to our gite in the Loire, dog’s don’t speak French and the poor thing would get lost so which of you would want to stay at home alone and look after it.” Tarquin and Jemima being eight and six asre unlikely to be very keen. Alternatively there is the animals are not always nice approach: “If we had goats dears. they might eat your iPads and Nike Trainers, goats eat everything.”

Pikeys like the Lardarses have no such refuges of course, they just have to go down the social and demand money to support Cherryade’s Pot Bellied Pig and and I’beefa’s Pit Bull and a bigger house because little Winehouse wants a Pyfon and the kids are entitled to a pet, innit?.

What poor Rupert does not understand, we may surmise from the way his face creases in anguish as he confronts the results of pikey’s neglect of their pets, is that his show is partly responsible. If people who neglect themselves are encouraged to take on the responsibility of looking after animals a bad outcome is inevitable. Imagine if you will a scene in a court:

“Course it ain’t my fault Bonzo ran in the road and caused a multiple pile up yer ‘onour, I tol’ ‘im I was going to get wankered with my bezzie, give ‘im five pound taxi money and said ‘ee was to go straight home.”

We should not be too depressed about the results of the BBC’s Patronizing programmes about animals output however. Boggart Blog as usual can see how, with a bit of outside the box thinking, this can be turned to something good.

When the BBC has persuaded pikeys to take on pets they cannot look after as soon as the RSPCA is called in the NHS should intervene as well. If these people cannot look after animals they are never going to be able to look after kids so sterilise them and revolve them from the gene pool. You know it makes sense, we have to stop them from breeding somehow.