Ahoy there, ye scum of scurvey laaaaandlubbers, think ‘ee old Black Jack don’t see ‘ee handing around in the shadows like a bilge rat’s bollocks. It be time to set sail across The Spanish Main and fill yer boots with doubloons and moidores. Ha – harrr bonny lads, and tell they European Union scum to heave to or we’ll keelhaul their scuppers.
Vote for The Pirate Party
It seems some of my readers are so brainwashed with Labour and Conservative propaganda they persist in denying that the only way to oppose Euronaziism in Brussels is to vote UKIP. Well OK, I’m not a UKIP candidate and I’m not campaigning. I had enough of political campaigning 35 years ago when I stood as a Liberal for Lancashire County Council and nearly shat myself during the count when it looked as if I might win.
I was a great Liberal candidate back in the days when the party’s political position bordered on Anarchism, but I would have been a lousy county councillor.
Being a great believer in democracy however I diligently set myself the task of finding another alternative for UKIP refusniks. And I found you …
Want to know more about the Pirate Party. Here’s a peep or you can see the full programme at their website linked above.
How we decide on our Direction
The Pirate Party Develops Policy in a collaborative manner, allowing anyone to have input and ultimately allowing its members to make the decision as to what the party stands for. The policies you find on these pages are the result of a process that allows us to refine and continually assess our positions, a process that we would encourage you to take part in. For more information get in touch with our policy coordination team.
A complete set or Pirate Party UK national policy is available in the form of a PDF document here – Party Manifesto 2012
You can also find a PDF version of the Common European Election Programme here – Common European Election Programme
Pirate Party Policy
Democracy is in crisis in the United Kingdom. Whether it is online or on the doorstep, people are telling us that they feel alienated, ignored, that they have given up voting as it changes nothing.
It’s this sense of powerlessness over the forces that shape our lives and the space around us that is so worrying in the UK today. Creeping privatisation means all aspects of our society are being divided up and parcelled out. It can be impossible to find out who is responsible for the most basic aspects of our environment, public spaces and services, let alone get anyone to do anything about it.
We are constantly under surveillance, whether it is by Europe’s biggest army of CCTV cameras or by companies like ATOS checking up on us. In a country of physical barriers, many find the online world a place to reclaim some freedom. But here too we are increasingly to be watched and restricted, while government and courts gather powers to disconnect us, block websites and monitor what we say and do.
At the heart of Pirate Party politics is the right for everyone to share knowledge and take an equal part in society. That is the way to take control over the world around us. That is what we are setting out here.
We have heard that on tonight’s episode of Doctor Who the Doctor’s lovely assistant Amy is shown being given The Back Spot by the pirate Long John Silver.
Now we are not prudes here at Boggart Blog and we believe that what goes on between consenting adults in private is their own private business.
But to show such things, even if they are simulated, on a show loved by young viewers is going too far we think. Are there no standards at the BBC any more?
Doctor Qui? French Politician Claims He Is Time Lord
Greeting you scurvey swaabs, Boggart Blog Pirating correspondent Blaack Jaack Baastard ‘yer to wite th’ blog for Internaaational Talk Like A Pirate Day. Not my usual boisterous style of greeting eh mates? No, well you see poor ol’ Jack, ‘ee’s been depressed. These paaast twelve months has seen nothin’ but baad news for us Priates.
What with them S’mellialies takin’ to the high seas, Bankers and Members of Parliament what is supposed to be trustworthy turnin’ out more crooked that us an’ even they world leaders being frauds, there’s no place left for a honest crook to go. Did you know as Sarkozy wears personality lifts and Obama’s six paack is photoshopped, pair o’ scumsucking scurvey sharkshaggers that they are. And people says I’m a fraud acause I dyes my beard.
I did see a bit of brighter news today though, not exaaactly gren shoots of recovery but a whisper of a chaaance of and opportunity if you take moi meaning. Cyberpiracy was never for me, I ain’t interested in no hacking through the baack door for me mates, I’m a stylist. In through the front door and slice the lubbers from chin to codlings, that’s old Blaack Jack’s style. but there may be a more acceptable way of hijacking data on the horizon.
An IT company in Durban, South Africa, was so fed up with the speed of the broadbaaand service they was getting from the local telecoms operator that it bought a courier pigeon. The pigeon took two hours to carry a 4GB memory stick 60 miles to another office, in which time just 4 per cent of the data was transferred using the internet connection. It looks like carrier pigeon is the future of the internet mates.ow Blaaack Jaaack and his shipmates, the most scabrous, syphylitic cut throats on the seven seas is partial to a pigeon pie and we reckons they memory sticks will fetch a ‘aaandsome ransome.
Other that that laaandlubbers, a priate’s prooospects for the next twelve months is as gloomy as yourn.
One of the highlights of silly season at Boggart Blog is a story from our international piracy expert Blaack Jaack Baastard. Over to the Boggart Blog Beaking News Desk
With news breaking every few minutes on the story of the Russian freighter Arctic Sea which disappeared as it steamed through the Baltic en route for Algeria and turned up a few days later 4000 mmiles away off Cape Verde, we go straight over to Bogart Blogs Piracy correspondent Blaack Jaack Baastard on the deck of his pirate galleon The Putrid Prawn for an update on the story.
Avast blogmates, heave to or Ill splice your mainbraces. This be Blaack Jaack Baastard the most ruthless, black hearted cut-throat ever to sail the Basingstoke Canal reporting from Cape Verde exclusively for Boggart Blog. Ha haarrrr! You laandlubbers is wanting to know about the hijacked ship I reckons. Well me and my crew o scabrous, scurvied scumsuckers is on an information gathering exercise for MI6 so wem right on the spot.
Now us Pirates are not known for understatement, laarger than life characters we be, what talks very loud in ridiclious accents and tells tall tales about our adventures on the Spanish Main, ooh arrrr. I says all this because even the most hyperbolic of scum sucking swabs could not embellish the faacts of the Artic Sea hijack.
Theres some as tried to blame Pirates for the ships lost days, but pustulatin porpoises mates, that Russian rustbucket was loaded with timber. To accuse Pirates, that is a gross calumny. A cargo of matchsticks and cocktail sticks? We Pirates has our staandards so we do. We likes to steal cargoes of diamonds, emeralds, amethysts, topazes and cinnamon and gold moidores from stately Spanish galleons, not matchsticks and orange boxes from Russian freighters. Theres poetry in Piracy, how many of you laandlubbin swabs spotted Blaack Jaaacks poetic reference there eh? Ha harrr, Blaack Jaack Baastard be a heducated maan.
Now you wants to know about the mystery of the Arctic Sea. Where did the ship go when it disappeared off the radar, how come the coastguard never spotted it butting through the channel. Now forget those calumnious falsehoods you read in the papers or heerd on television. That rotten Russian hulk was no Quinquereme of Nineveh from distant Ophir, they didnt carry no ivory and apes and peacocks, nothing for a thief. Not even components for Iraans nucular weapons program as some reports has suggested. Haa haaaar but they had something somebody wanted shipmate, some haddock humper had a use for the bilge ballast that was on board.
Now ask yourself, how could an old crate like that get 4000 miles in that time? The aanswer, mates, will make your hair pop out and your eyes stand on end. The good ship Arctic Sea was habducted by haliens mates, ha haar! Oh yes, youre all sceptical now, you lily livered lubbers. I tell ee me heartyies, theres things happen at sea far stranger, things as would curdle you bile and turn your blood to custard.
I talked to one of they Russian lads, he tol me the ship was lifted clean out of the water by the tractor beam of an intergalactic starcruiser what is overin even now, screened from radar by energy shields. Arr mates, that ship was lifted into the great hold of the halien spacecraaft and the crew was hexperimented on. Ha haar mates, cruel, inooman hexperiments them haliens done on the sailors and they even forced em to drink a consignment o Leningrad Cowboys vodka what was in the ships hold.
And why did they do this you might well ask. Ill tell ee. Them sardine shaggers is space privateers and they was working for the Intergalactic Emperor. He wants to create a hybrid race with alien superintelligence but ooman physiology so as they can live of earth and subjugate it for th intergalactic empire. So he says to the Privateer Capn, Get down there to earth mate and gather me some samples of ooman semen.
Ha haar shipmates. You remember now, International talk like a Pirate Day of 2009 be just a few weeks away.
Just in case any of you think Talk Like A Pirate Day is a hoax, here’s a link to their web page:
“http://www.talklikeapirate.com/piratehome.html”>Talk Like A Pirate Day There’s another at the end of the post.
There seems to be a bit of a kerfuffle going on in the street outside the Boggart Blog editorial office. Better see whats up I suppose.
Thats strange, it looks as if a group of very angry people are chasing a man wearing fancy dress, a pirate outfit. In fact it looks like it cant be it isnt it is, its our old Pirate chum Black Jack Bastard. We havent seen him for a while.
Hey Jack, up here quickly, youll be safe in our offices.
The question is will we, he did once try to hijack the blog and terrorise the blogosphere with it. Pirates can be very unpredictable, still its nice to see him. I wonder what hes been doing these past twelve months
Ha har ye miserable son of a scablouse, good to clap eyes on ee.
Hello Jack, long time no see. What have you been up to, still the terror of the Spanish Main?
Pirating? No matey, I give it up, changed course in mid voyage, Pirating be a young maaans game these days.
You gave up being a Pirate?
Arrrr ye lubber, I did that, took up a completely different profession, honest an specable like.
So what are you now then and why were those people chasing you down the street if you are honest and respectable.
Them maaangy whoresons, theym small minded lubbers who lack the ‘magination to unnerstand my specable professon.
So they were after your blood because your trade is legal, decent, honest and truthful, Jack?
Now heave to matey, youm goin too far now. I said specable, not honest.
Well what is it you are doing then?
I decided you can’t teach an old sea dog new tricks so I found a trade to which me old tricks were well suited. I become one o they Hinvesment Bankers shipmate.
Oh well once a pirate, always a pirate I suppose.
Ha haaaar well said for a miserable speck o shore scum.
More humour every day from Boggart Blog
Checkout where we have been commenting at our blogindex
For that significant but unmentionable birthday at the weekend I got my best pressie ever. A remote control pirate ship.
I have been practicing my pirate accent and my blue screen trickery for months. Now I can make my own pirate movie.
Unfortunately International Talk Like A Pirate Day is on September 19th so that’s a bit of a short timescale to get a full length movie ready. I’ll see what we can do though.
Meanwhile, on top of the two very funny posts from fatsally below, here are a couple of video links that will make you laugh.
The People Who Will Decide The US Election
Excellent humour from the Onion defines thev 430 new demographics that will decide the U.S. election.
Would you have guessed that Obama leads by 99% among gay Dads while among wooodwork business owning brothers McCain leads by 81%?
And while we are doing video here’s one on The Obamessiah from The Nose On Your Face.
What can we say except “He’s not The Messiah, he’s a very arrogant boy.”
Find the best humour on the web at Boggart Blog
Boggart Network News – The Spanish Main.
Ha-harr mates, avast behind there. Just hove to at limmy.com (very finny blog)where a paaarty was in full swing acos it be Int’narrrtional Talk Loike A Pirate Day. We waz forgettin’ about this event on account of our resident pirate corrspondent Blaaack Jaaack Baaastard be straaanded in The Delta of Veuns.
Still it ain’t too late bt’join in the paaarty blogmates, when you goes down the pub tonight, tell aaal the scurvey lubbers as how they got to talk loike pirates until the claaack be strikin’ midnight.
And put it in yer Blackberries ye scabrous sons of sea haaags, September 19th is Talk Like A Pirate Day. Ha-haaar!
For today’s blog I am going to be a bit more ser… what’s that noise? Is it coming from outside? Is it the splashing of waves, the creaking of ships timbers and the raucous sound of men overacting hideously and effecting ridiculous accents. It is… Oh No! Black Jacxk Bastard, the pirate who hijacked Boggart Blog last year has come back.
Ha – harrr ye scurvey lubber. Keelhaul yer trousers or I’ll splice your mainbrace. Its yer old matey Blaaak Jaaack Baaasrard an’ these scrofulous scumbags playing medieval stringed instruments behind me are the meanes crew of luters ever to sail the Spanish Main. Ha haarrr.
But Jack, I’m just a poor jobbing blogger, I have no treasure chest for you plunder.You should hijack a Davina McCall game show and steal the prize money.
Davina McCall ye says, avast behind matey, a very vast behind. But rest easy ye snivelling son of a scab louse. Blaaack Jaaack knows you ain’t got no gold. But I heered tell a shortarse has knowing of The Secret, and you be a shortarse ha haarrr. ”
The Secret Jack? What secret?
“The secret of how some folks aint never got ha’penny to scratch their arse with while others gets lucrative television contracts even though they is creepy little lubbers with high hair and perma tanned teeth. You knows what I mean matey?
You must be talking about cosmic ordering. Sorry Jack but you got the wrong shortarse.
You means it aint you that makes people choose one of two boxes a knowin’ that one is full o’ doubloons and the other is a box o’ pox.”
Yes, I can tell you where to find that person. I’ll shut down the blog because we don’t want everybody knowing do we? Sorry folks we’ll just stream you Channel 4 for a bit while I deal with Jack.
CUT TO DEAL OR NO DEAL
And its really exciting now, one box contains quarter of a million pounds and the other two each contain a kick up the arse. Oh, here’s the banker with a…
I ain’t no banker matey, I be Blaaack Jaaack Baaastard and I be taking them three treasure chests while you goes to Davy Jones’ locker ye botoxed bilgerat. Ha haaaaarrrrr!
What a perfect ending. Back to normal tomorrow
Ha haaar ye laandlubbin scum, Blaak Jaack Baastard here, still at the helm o’ boggart blog and with Jenny Greenteeth in Davy Jone’ locker and Ian Thorpe stowed in the bilges thaat’s the way it will stay laads.
‘ere, come ‘ere mateys, see me new gold earings eh? Got them in the maarket in Scumport for two dollars. Ain’t they a good bargain for a bucaneer? Ha – haar ye laandlubbers, Jim lad, fetch I a bottle o’ rum.