Don’t waste your Air Miles

We heard thatBritish Airways is offering its frequent flyers the chance to trade in their air miles for a place on a course instructing passengers how to survive plane crashes

Your Boggart Blogger were never the type of people who would save air miles (though our Dear Old Mum would have certainly done so – and then been to tight to part with them in exhange for gifts) but we know some people were quite obsessive, going to such extreme lenghts as paying over the odds for stuff to buy in a shop that offered air miles.

So now, for the sake of air miles lovers we offer the free Boggart Blog course in how to survive air crashes ………….

DON’T RIDE ON PLANES.

Ryanair To Let Passenger Fly Planes?

As the recession grinds on the travel business is increasingly hard hit. Holiday firms are going bust at a rate of about one a week, even cutting prices below cost is not encouraging cash strapped punters to book holidays and rumours are flying around suggesting several major airlines are threatened with bankruptcy.

Among all this mayhem there is one success story however. Budget airline Ryanair go from strength to strength thanks to their ruthless commitment to efficiency and radical cost cutting measures. Everybody has heard of Ryanair’s £1 flights but few who have not travelled with them know about the £500 in flight snacks and the £20 charge to visit the toilet while airborne. Who among us could fail to recognize the sheer business genius of offering passengers cheap one way fares to popular destinations then making them sign over their home before they can get on a return flight.

Ryanair’s latest cost cutting scheme is an example of the kind of radical thinking we need get the global economy out of recession. The airline plans to abolish the role of co pilot and let trolley dollies fly the planes.

A spokesman for the company told Boggart Blog, “The co – pilot is only needed during take off and landing and as cabin crew cannot serve drinks or sell duty free while those manoeuvres are in progress their time is wasted. We plan to give stewards and stewardesses full training on and make sure they are earning their salary all the time they are in the air. Paying people to sit on their arses is no way to run a business.

According to a corporate press release the cabin crew will be given access via their laptops and an internet link to a flight simulator game and will not be allowed to take the controls of a real plane until they have reached level seven.

When asked about further rumours that the company is planning to make all flight crew redundant and let passengers fly themselves our contact said, “This is not definite yet but is a very real possibility. Most of the business of flying is done by computers these days so paying some bastard a big fat salary to make announcements over the PA system is becoming a bit of an expensive luxury. Flying a plane is not big and its not clever. Pilots have far too high an opinion of themselves. Anyone who can drive a smart phone can fly a 747.

Apple Computer, makers of iPhone, the market leading smart phone have announced a business partnership with Ryanair and revealed they are ready to launch three apps for wannabe do it yourself flyers, iFly, iLand and iHit-turbulence-and-crap-myself.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Come Back Biggles – All Is Forgiven

News that cuts to the defence budget could see the RAF’s active fighter pilots numbers reduced to their lowest level since World War 1 made me think that all this budget cutting might be a good thing. I mean why do we need a bunch or technocrat jetfuel heads screaming about in the skies above us, burning up a million poundsworth of oil per second. Who and what are they defending?

Nobody, that’s who. We don’t need defending because we are not a military power any more. The Russians are not going to bomb us, the French can’t be arsed and the Iranians can’t get their planes or their faces off the ground. I mean can you imagine Iran launching a long range airstrike on Britain but all the pilots turning back when they go to Italy because they had to get to the Mosque for evening prayers?

Defence spending is just balls out politics. Imagine Dave presenting our defence policy at a world leaders summit.

“Hey Valdi, look at my enormous weapon, I’ve got a much bigger weapon than you.
“Hey Huang, have you seen my chopper, it can fire a thousand shots a second
“Nico ma petit ami Francais, regardez mon sous – marin. Il est maginfique n’est ce pas? Je joue avec lui dans le bain.”
“Angela, Angie babe, look at my …… oh, sorry Frau Markel, you would probably rather not have seen that…
“Barack, get a look at … Barack, would you take you hands of my projectile please. Yes I know you are showing support for gay rights Barack, we all know you are passionate about gay rights, but I don’t need any gay rights thanks, Samantha suits me fine.”

You see, defence spending is just about showing off so why must we poor taxpayers fork out £2billion each for super dooper hi tech jet fighters, we beat the Luftwaffe with low tech British grit and bloody mindedness and a few Airfix kit Spitfires. Bloody Hell, Squadron Leader Biggles defended the Empire with a couple of Sopwith Camels, a revolver and a silly moustache. And British grit and a sense of fair play of course.

And didn’t Major Dennis Bloodnock defeat The Dreaded Batter Pudding Hurler of Bexhill on Sea armed only with cunning, cowardice, a plastic lettuce and a wax impression of Florence Nightingale’s teeth?

Did all America’s fabled high tech military hardware defeat a bunch of bearded ragheads in Afghanitan or a rag tag army of little yellow blokes on bicycles in Viet Nam? I think not.

High Tech weapons do not win wars. What we need to fight the dark forces that threaten our nation now are traditional British military values, an endless supply of hot, sweet tea, the courage (or dimwiitedness maybe) to be nonchalant in the face of danger, the Lambeth Walk and officers with silly moustaches.

Come back Biggles, all is forgiven.

Full story: http://uk.news.yahoo.com/4/20100807/tuk-budget-cuts-could-take-raf-back-to-1-dba1618.html

News From The Air Strike

As the effects of the BA strike start to bit and the Easter holiday travel rush looms large we are not all that impressed by the pledge from BA senior managers that they will keep the planes, if not the Aspidistra, flying.

A BA spokesperson, Anna Pologgy, who asked not to be named, told Boggart Blog in an exclusive interview, “Obviously we regret any inconvenience or anxiety this strike causes our passengers but let’s be realistic, trolley dollies and camp cabin boys do not fly planes. We can fly without them, people flying to European destinations can manage without a meal or drink for a couple of hours without coming to any harm. All we have to do for passengers on long haul flights is get ground staff who work for contractors to stock the planes with snacks and soft drinks and let passengers help themselves from the galleys.

We put it to the spokesperson that there was a strong likelihood passengers helping themselves would have a bad outcome.

“Nonsense,” she replied, “ situations like that are what bring British people together. The morning flight to Phuket took off three hours ago, they should be passing over the Red Sea just about now and I would bet they’re doing The Lambeth Walk in the aisles and having a great ti….”

And we break into that item to go to our news desk because there is a very big story just breaking.

Yes, thank you very much indeed, we are in fact hearing some very worrying news. Initial reports are saying the British Airways morning flight to Phuket will be making an emergency landing in Dubai. It is feared there has been some kind of terrorist action on board the 747. Wait … we are getting an update on that now … the latest news is that there has been an incident on the aircraft but terrorists were not involved. We are learning now this was the first BA long haul flight with strike breaking serve – yourself catering arrangements. What appears to have caused the problem is as passengers were helping themselves to drinks and sandwiches a fight broke out passengers in economy found while they only had Spam or cheese and branston sandwiches those in Business and First Class had smoked salmon bagels, roast pheasant wraps and Kobe beef baguettes.