Woke Brigade Go After Nobby The Cerne Abbas Giant

A news report in The Daily Telegraph today would have us believe the giant, generally supposed to be prehistoric in origin, in fact only dates back to around the 10th century and originally wore trousers to spare the bllushed of maidens or something.

Cerne Abbas giant (picture: The National Trust

from The Daily Telegraph:

The origins of the Cerne Abbas giant have long been cloaked in mystery, and its vast anatomy has long caused shock by being cloaked in nothing at all.

But the National Trust has revealed that the hill figure is Saxon and actually had trousers for 700 years before a phallus was added in the 17th century as a possible parody of Oliver Cromwell, made on the orders of a disgruntled baron.

Before then, the club-wielding nude wore trousers, according to National Trust senior archaeologist Martin Papworth, who told The Telegraph: “For a long period he may not have been phallic at all.”

When you think about it logically this is an absolute rubbish story. If true it would date the origin of the giant around the reign of King Alfred. But he’s carrying a baseball bat and baseball was not invented until the 19th century.

My theory is that the giant represents an irate resident of a Southampton sink estate wakened at 2 a m by partying neighbours, threatening to smash their Hi Fi to bits if they did not “turn the bloody music down”


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Dr. Paul Eolithic, Professor of antiquities at Brassneck College, Oxford sounded a not of caution however. He said the age of Darren and Keren has been misoverestimated, in fact their descendants are still living on the nearby Blackbird Leys estate. Dr. Eolithic recalls being disturbed by the couple while having a bunk up with a girl student in a Ford Zephyr. They were locking up after a late night and thought the car might have beendriven by members of the notorious Carnera Brothers gan who controlled the hamburger and hotdogs trrade in Reading.

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Bog Butter
Mankind’s greatest invention

Bog Butter: The Mystery of Mum’s Fridge

Most followers of Boggart Blog will know by now that co-author fatsally and I share a mother. And you may have noticed some recent banter about the high security around our mum’s fridge. Now the sympathetic souls among you will probably have shaken your heads and muttered, “Insensitive little ingrates, don’t they know old people have to watch the pennies?” But there is more to it than that.

Last week as the team were dossing about the editorial office the BBC spotted a story coming in on the feeds about a new find of Bog Butter. The background said this mysterious substance, found packed in containers of animal hide or wood and hidden in peat bogs has turned up all over Scotland and Ireland. it has a waxy texture and analysis has shown it to be a mix of lard, tallow and dairy fat. Amazingly, though 2000 years old it is still edible.

“Archaeologists connect the mystery find with iron age culture and are hoping to find remains of a significant prehistoric settlement in the area,” Boggart Blog Cub concluded reading the report aloud.

Fatsally and I exchanged a knowing look and said in chorus, “iron age my arse, Mum’s been clearing her fridge out again.

You see our Dear Old Mum is now one of those people who has become more of a hoarder as she got older. Despite having Bohemians as parents she is of that mindset that cannot tolerate waste particularly of stuff that was once food. So while FS and I did benefit in some ways from this as children, for example leftover mashed potatoes were made into potato cakes and slathered with butter (delish) we were also required to eat some truly antique food. The Chinese delicacy One Hundred Year Old Eggs was nothing to us, we ate One Hundred Year Old Toast.

If we helped ourselves to an apple from the fruit bowl we would be told, “you should ask first, money does not grow on trees,” to which we would reply, no Mum, but apples do and these grew in our garden.

So bog butter is no mystery to us, having filled the fridge with leftovers she can’t bear to throw away, mum occasionally has to make room for extra stuff. And she blends her fats, packs them and drops them in a Scottish or Irish bog that the coach must pass while taking The Dancing Dowagers of Morecambe on one of their mini holidays. In this way she has handed on the substance to postertity and it is not wasted. In Mum’s young days there was never any spare money about, as she always reminds us when confronted with out extavagant ways. You rather get the feeling that Mum liked the idea of there being “no spare money about” as poverty did not prevent her Dad hurtling round the North West in a Bull-nosed Morris Oxford in the 1920s and 30s.

You see even now, in these affluent times, Mum is “careful. She never throws anything away, all things keep indefinitely in the freezer thus when she does shuffle off this mortal coil (which will be a good while if we can keep her from eating the stuff she has been saving,) we hope to find some valuable treasures in her fridge. The world’s oldest sausage, a hunk of bread left over from The Last Supper maybe or even one of the cakes burned by King Alfred. Any of those could put us in the dosh.

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