Woke Brigade Go After Nobby The Cerne Abbas Giant

A news report in The Daily Telegraph today would have us believe the giant, generally supposed to be prehistoric in origin, in fact only dates back to around the 10th century and originally wore trousers to spare the bllushed of maidens or something.

Cerne Abbas giant (picture: The National Trust

from The Daily Telegraph:

The origins of the Cerne Abbas giant have long been cloaked in mystery, and its vast anatomy has long caused shock by being cloaked in nothing at all.

But the National Trust has revealed that the hill figure is Saxon and actually had trousers for 700 years before a phallus was added in the 17th century as a possible parody of Oliver Cromwell, made on the orders of a disgruntled baron.

Before then, the club-wielding nude wore trousers, according to National Trust senior archaeologist Martin Papworth, who told The Telegraph: “For a long period he may not have been phallic at all.”

When you think about it logically this is an absolute rubbish story. If true it would date the origin of the giant around the reign of King Alfred. But he’s carrying a baseball bat and baseball was not invented until the 19th century.

My theory is that the giant represents an irate resident of a Southampton sink estate wakened at 2 a m by partying neighbours, threatening to smash their Hi Fi to bits if they did not “turn the bloody music down”


Civilisation Isn’t Over ‘Til The Bearded Lady Sings

Freak shows went out of fashion in the 1950s and rightly so in my not so humble opinion. Two headed dogs, a man with goat hooves, people who swallowed live animals (geeks) and bearded ladies were not anybody’s idea of sophisticated entertainment. That being the case, why do Europe’s media luvvies who think they are oh so sophisticated persist with the annual freak show that is the Eurovision song Contest?

Labour, the (very rich, elitist) People’s party plans to ban your beer and pies
Are Labour still the peoples party or have they forgotten their core voters and working class roots and sold out to the metrpolitan left-wing intellectual media mafia. After the latest P R faux pas, few voters over 40 will be able to asociate the people’s party with cloth caps and ciggies. Ed Miliband’s proposed crackdown on tobbacco, alcohol and ‘unhealthy eating’ could well be the policy that loses the election.

Don’t Worry If You Are A Barm Pot, Insane Is The New Normal
Have you noticed more and more people seem to be mentally ill these days. It isn’t that we are getting crazier (the world is going insane, we are no more mad than our ancestors were), but that the bar people must jump to be diganosed bonkers is being set lower…

Technowanks for technowankers with Google Glass?
Almost every day we are reporting the latest ‘breaktrhough in dehumanisation and a further step towards making us all slaves to technology. The scientists are out of control, semi – autistic nerds with no understanding of ethical boundaries are giving politicians with no scruples about reviving Naziism the tools to enslave us.

Oxbridge bias equals unfunny comedy says Bob Mortimer
If you don’t know who Bob Mortimer is, you are either very young or an alien. He was half of the Reeeves and Mortimer team that made some hilariously surreal sketch shows throughout the 1990s and more recently co presenter (with Vic Reeves) of the bordertline insance panel game Shooting Stars.

Meat Will Only Be For The Elite If Leftie Scientists Get Their Way
A group of leading environmental scientists have tabled a report blaming cow farts for global warming and demanding punitive taxes on meat. Is there anything solid in their theory or are they all piss and wind?

How American Forces Network Saved Our Lives Britain in the 1950s was a monochrome society, a rigid, unyielding social order and overt class consciousness constrained social interactions, people were reluctant to do the right thing for fear of it being deemed by “polite society” as the wrong thing. Fortunately a radio station we should not have been listening to, and the subversive music it played took the lead in releasing us from our bonds

Where Is Bicycle Repair Man When The World Needs Him
A superhero whose superpower is repairing bikes? It was a sketch in a Monty Python’s Flying Circus show. But forty years on is it as crazy as it sounded then? We seem to have plenty of people with degrees in things that are not every practical and shortages of people who can do useful stuff. And when we have health and safety officers stopping people from climbing ladders unless they have been properly trained, people are discouraged from learning those everyday skills by themselves.

Comedy and humour

Comical Ali Is Back And Now Working For The New World Order
A CNN documentary on nuclear power as a source of clean, green energy now that wind and solar have failed very expensively to live up to scientists expectations (as us sceptics said they would) was so biased it reminded us of the broadcasts from Iraq’s Information Minister in the Gulf War

History Is Older Than They Are Telling Us The official story goes Weez aalz from Afreekaa, humans crossed the strait of Gibraltar about a million years ago and after some serious delays at Malaga airport, arrived in britain arounf 400,000 years ago. But it’s wrong. humans were already here a million years ago and they were taking caravan holidays by the sea. Civilization began in England, but we always knew that didn’t we folks?

Scientists Prove Science Is For The Terminally Insane
News coming out of the world of ‘science’ is getting crazier. But is that any wonder when the government and the BBC keep throwing money at idiots like Brian Cox who does a little come in his pants every time he uses the word science (which explains why he uses it six times a minute)

Haunted Vagina Star Opens Up For Boggart Blog
The latest music business Hollywood celebrity MK Ultra meltdown comes from bubble gum music act Ke$ha who is boasting about having a haunted vagina …

Man Sues Wife Over Ugly Baby
Back to China for this nutty story. In the week the Chinese Renminbi replaced the US$ as the reserve currency it seems the Chinese are getting ready to replace Americans at the world’s top nut jobs. According to a Local 10 news report Jian Feng sued his wife over their ugly baby recently. According to the lawsuit the “beautiful” couple could not …

A Dragon Flies Over Truro
Now I know some among you who have relied on your belief in reason, logic and order to protect yourselves from having to face the fact that we live in a a crazy, insane world in which nothing makes sense will be throwing a hissy fit at the notion that a dragon might have escape

For years the BBC have denied showing left wing bias in their reporting of climate change and the fraudulent science that has steered government policy on the environment. Now the supposedly neutral but increasingly politicised public broadcaster has been outed by an astute pensioner as a New World Order prpoaganda machine.

History Is Older Than They Are Telling Us The official story goes Weez aalz from Afreekaa, humans crossed the strait of Gibraltar about a million years ago and after some serious delays at Malaga airport, arrived in britain arounf 400,000 years ago. But it’s wrong. humans were already here a million years ago and they were taking caravan holidays by the sea. Civilization began in England, but we always knew that didn’t we folks?

Three More Shades Of Grey This very funny parody is not my work but the creation of my sister Sally who is happy for me to give it extra exposure here Three More Shades Of Grey By Sally Redfern I know . . .

Budgie Smugglers the only safe swimwear on Hampstead Heath
After years of being ridiculed by the terminally under endowed and the fashion conscious my swimwear of choice is now suddenly back in the public eye. Budgie Smugglers are the recommended swimwear for those who don’t want their nudger or testicles bitten by …

Too Fat To Die
We are all used to the drama of the diminishing appeals of prisoners on death row, if only via books and film. Usually the condemned is trying to gain a stay of execution so he can prove his innocence. However not many prisoners actually get the nod from …

When men first stood erect.

Archaeologists have believed for some time that it was about two million years ago when men first stood erect. Were that the case it would be a trbute to the efficacy of viagra that we can still get up.

A recent discovery suggests however our ancestors took that all important step from being hairy arsed knuckle draggers (Australopithicus Hairyarsus) and set us on the road to homo sapiens sapiens (Man who knows he knows.)

Fossilised footprints found in layers of sediment in the bottom of a deep fat fryer found as researchers were excavating the remains of Darren and Karens hot food van in a prehistoric settlement that it is tought was once a lay by on the A40 London to Oxford Road will, say the team leaders, change our view of human evolution if authenticated.

Dr. Paul Eolithic, Professor of antiquities at Brassneck College, Oxford sounded a not of caution however. He said the age of Darren and Keren has been misoverestimated, in fact their descendants are still living on the nearby Blackbird Leys estate. Dr. Eolithic recalls being disturbed by the couple while having a bunk up with a girl student in a Ford Zephyr. They were locking up after a late night and thought the car might have beendriven by members of the notorious Carnera Brothers gan who controlled the hamburger and hotdogs trrade in Reading.

The Professor may be right but remains of organic material from a Morris Oxford discovered nearby have been carbon dated at three million years old. Again experts are divided however, some insisting that exposure to ancient chip fat would accelerate the ageing process.

Bog Butter
Mankind’s greatest invention

Bog Butter: The Mystery of Mum’s Fridge

Most followers of Boggart Blog will know by now that co-author fatsally and I share a mother. And you may have noticed some recent banter about the high security around our mum’s fridge. Now the sympathetic souls among you will probably have shaken your heads and muttered, “Insensitive little ingrates, don’t they know old people have to watch the pennies?” But there is more to it than that.

Last week as the team were dossing about the editorial office the BBC spotted a story coming in on the feeds about a new find of Bog Butter. The background said this mysterious substance, found packed in containers of animal hide or wood and hidden in peat bogs has turned up all over Scotland and Ireland. it has a waxy texture and analysis has shown it to be a mix of lard, tallow and dairy fat. Amazingly, though 2000 years old it is still edible.

“Archaeologists connect the mystery find with iron age culture and are hoping to find remains of a significant prehistoric settlement in the area,” Boggart Blog Cub concluded reading the report aloud.

Fatsally and I exchanged a knowing look and said in chorus, “iron age my arse, Mum’s been clearing her fridge out again.

You see our Dear Old Mum is now one of those people who has become more of a hoarder as she got older. Despite having Bohemians as parents she is of that mindset that cannot tolerate waste particularly of stuff that was once food. So while FS and I did benefit in some ways from this as children, for example leftover mashed potatoes were made into potato cakes and slathered with butter (delish) we were also required to eat some truly antique food. The Chinese delicacy One Hundred Year Old Eggs was nothing to us, we ate One Hundred Year Old Toast.

If we helped ourselves to an apple from the fruit bowl we would be told, “you should ask first, money does not grow on trees,” to which we would reply, no Mum, but apples do and these grew in our garden.

So bog butter is no mystery to us, having filled the fridge with leftovers she can’t bear to throw away, mum occasionally has to make room for extra stuff. And she blends her fats, packs them and drops them in a Scottish or Irish bog that the coach must pass while taking The Dancing Dowagers of Morecambe on one of their mini holidays. In this way she has handed on the substance to postertity and it is not wasted. In Mum’s young days there was never any spare money about, as she always reminds us when confronted with out extavagant ways. You rather get the feeling that Mum liked the idea of there being “no spare money about” as poverty did not prevent her Dad hurtling round the North West in a Bull-nosed Morris Oxford in the 1920s and 30s.

You see even now, in these affluent times, Mum is “careful. She never throws anything away, all things keep indefinitely in the freezer thus when she does shuffle off this mortal coil (which will be a good while if we can keep her from eating the stuff she has been saving,) we hope to find some valuable treasures in her fridge. The world’s oldest sausage, a hunk of bread left over from The Last Supper maybe or even one of the cakes burned by King Alfred. Any of those could put us in the dosh.

Ancient Sprouts Are Not Just For Christmas

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