Foul! Fowler’s girls upset the BBC football pansies

Top tabloid sensation this morning was the BBC’s ritual humiliation of former Premier league striker and not-the-brightest-light-on-the-Christmas-tree Robbie Fowler.

On Saturday the BBC made Fowler, a match pundit apologise on air for commenting that two footballers were “fighting like girls”. The tarts and ponces who run BBC sport these days were outraged though it was obvious to any viewer with more than one brain cell that Fowler’s comment, made about a tussle between Fernando Torres and Jan Vertonghen during the Tottenham-Chelsea game, was entirely innocent, intended only to condemn Torres and Vertonghen’s childish antics and not to slander the female sex in general or the fat ugly man-hating lezza’s who are always screaming about sexism in particular. BTW, it is a potential hate crime for me to write the phrase “fat ugly man – hating lezzas” but apparently not a hate crime for fat, ugly, man – hating lezzas to say that all men are rapists. how does that work?

Minutes after his “girls” comment Robbie Fowler was on his knees in front of the camera making all sane viewers cringe with a toe curlingly embarrassing apology, telling the nation he was “deeply sorry” for apparently offending womankind.

Womankind? So the politically correct idiots who run the show think all the women in the world were watching a Saturday afternoon sport programme? Did I comment on Robbie Fowler’s lack of intelligence? How unfair of me, next to the fuckwits who run the BBC these days he’s on a par with Einstein.

A forced public apology, especially when the only “crime” committed is that someone has phrased something slightly carelessly, is always cringeworthy and particularly so when the potentially offensive word or remark (potentially being the operative word in the case of Fowler’s unremarkable remark)has offended professional offence takers among the tribe of media luvvies who assume they exist to tell us all how to live our lives (Stephen fucking Fry please note).

That the BBC lead the field in professional offence taking is particularly ironic when we remember this is the organization that closed ranks to cover up the politically incorrect activities of Jimmy Savile for years. Hypocrites.

Still reeling from the Savile scandal one would think the BBC migh tell its moralising lefties to shit the fuck up as the moral outrage over trivialities could be interpreted as a front to cover up far more offensive things going on behind closed doors in the organization.ls”.

Having got that off my chest I was actually surprised the BBC still shows football.

To me it seems there simply aren’t enough disabled gay bipolar transgender lesbians on the teams to warrant as much prime time coverage as the game gets in Britain.

The Disabled Stakteboarders of Scotland

Super Mario is back

Towards the end of last year some of our readers were at pains to inform Boggart Blog sports editor Danny Gruntfuttock that our sarcastic commentary on the misadventures of Machester City striker Super Mario Balotelli were unfair and Balotelli’s antics which included setting fire to himself while letting fireworks of in his bathroom and driving his Ferrari round the isles of his local Tesco were due to overenthusiasm rather that severe mental health issues.

Balotelli was no more intelligent on the field of play, his trademark celebration after scoring a goal involved running round the field kicking as many opposing players and match officials as he could before he was given yellow, red and Go Directly To Jail, Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect £200,000 weekly wages cards all at once.

To be fair Super Mario did make a vital contribution to City’s championship triumph. After City had turned an 8 point lead into a 5 point deficit largely due to Balotelli discovering that if he did something spectacularly stupid even by his standards he could get not only himself but the whole team sent off, after which the Manager dropped him.

With Super Mario out of the team City won all their final five games by good margins and clinched the title.

On the resumption of football this weekend Super Mario once again demonstarated his value to the City team. With the champions trailing 1 – 2 to lowly Southampton Super Mario was substituted.
As soon as he was off the pitch City scored a face saving equaliser and went on to clinch the game with a winning goal in the closing minutes.

Will City retain the Championship? It’s possible so long as they make sure Super Mario isn’t picked. He’s better employed running a cement factory, or at least driving a Fewrrari round one.

Not Roy Keane

Sports pundits are today reporting on sympathy among Premiership managers and coaching staff for beleagured Blackburn Rovers mananager Not Roy Keane.

“The fans never gave him a chance,” Owen Coyle, boss of nearby Bolton said.

‘Steve Kean is a terrific coach and manager. All you want is an opportunity, but he was never given one” said another Premiership boss who prefers not to be named but believed to be the manager of Ungrammatical Albion.

Ann Widdecombe said, “I might be crap at ballroom dancing and I’m not much of a looker but I could manage a football team better than Steve Kean.

John Terry said, “The game needs sorting out, we have to get rid of the ????? ????s. I feel sorry for Steve Kean, he’s a nice bloke even if he is a ??????? Jock.

The Rovers manager has been unpopular since he was brought in to replace the fans hero Sam Allardyce by the clubs new owners the Headless Chicken boys after they gained a controlling interest.

It seems the fans had the impression the Venky brothers thought they were getting ex Manchester United star Roy Keane rather than the unknown Steve Kean who spent most of his playing career in Alloa Athletic reserves.

It is thought this rumour was started by an anonymous commenter on the Lancashire Evening Telegraph sports blog. Now what kind of an evil twat would do such a thing … … … I’ll get me coat.

RELATED POSTS:
Blackburn Headless Chicken Sage Goes On
Wake up and smell the headless chickens
A Comedy Of Errors At The Theatre Of Dreams

Football really is in big trouble with this race thing

Wake Up And Smell The Headless Chicken

Boggart Blog does not often blog about football, ususally our sports reporting is confined to fatsally’s comments and analysis of the latest episodes from the Formula One Kindergarden soap opera as drivers throw toys out of the pram, crash their pedal cars into each other and scream when they are not getting attention.

Today is different however. And no we are not going to comment of the six – one thrashing of Manchester United by the International Expensive All Stars Manchester City.

No, up here in Accrington we are more concerned with the declining quality of the pies at home games and the declining fortunes of Blackburn Rovers (in that order, one had to get one’s priorities right)

WAKE UP AND SMELL THE CHICKEN screamed the message on one fan’s banner as fans tried to arouse to action the club’s newish owners, a couple of headless chicken billionaires from India. The chicken boys seem to be nice blokes but just as unaware as their team manager that the objective of the game is not to sell samosas and tandoori chicken but to score more goals that the other team.

Week after week the other team score more goals than Blackburn and the chicken boys sit nodding and smiling through post match interviews, saying everything is going nicely to plan and they have absolute confidence in the manager, Steve Kean.

Unfortunately the fans don’t. Such is the frustration of the supporters with Kean he now has to be accompanied by a couple of very large guys in black suits even when sitting in the dugout. As Indian businessmen are not noted for associating with the kind of people who wear Fedoras and work in the olive oil business we fear these heavies may be specially imported Jetti, the Indian strongmen whose party trick is to knock six inch nails through the skulls of anyone that pisses off the boss, using only their hand as a hammer.

Yes, things are that bad.

Although one ugly rumour circulating among supporters is that when the chicken boys hired Kean they thought they were getting former Manchester United and Ireland star Roy Keane the two men’s playing careers contrast widely.

Roy Kreane:
1,000,000 first team appearances in the Premiership,
10,000 goals scored (well he was a defender)
50,000 International caps
1,000 opponents legs broken.
27 page three girls boffed (only 27, he was a happily married man and a good catholic)

Steve Kean:
(here we give details of the clubs involved even though you have never heard of them)
85 – 87 Celtic, no first team appearances(4 while on loan to Swansea)
87 – 88 Alloa Athletic, 1 first team appearance
88 – 91 Academica Coimbra, 88 first team, appearances, 16 goals
91 – 2 Bath City, 10 first team appearances, 1 goal
93 – 4 Newbury Town, 21 first team appearances, 4 goals

After this Kean joined Leebotwood and Hope Bowdler Albion of the South Shopshire Amateur League as junior team coach before becoming assistant manager for Fulham and then Coventry. One day he turned up at the Blacburn Rovers ground looking for a lift back to Glasgow. When the chicken boys heard his name was Kean they immediately sacked the competent but dull Sam Allardyce and offered the managers job to Steve.

Clearly things are very wrong at Blackburn Rovers and if the chicken boys think things are going to plan they are more clueless than their manager who could not even get a regular place in the Newbury Town first team. Unless of course the plan is to shut down the club and turn Ewood Park into a chicken farm.

RELATED POSTS:
Blackburn Headless Chicken Saga Goes On
Not Roy Keane
The Award For Comical Ineptitude Goes To Manchester City

Boggart Blog Exclusive: We Name The Premership Footballer Who Does Not Have An Injunction

The blogoshphere, twittershphere and the moonfacesphere of Facebook are buzzing with speculation today about the identity of the Premiership Footballer who was granted a court injunction to stop the media revealing his name along with details of his sordid exploits.

The Boggart Blog legal adviser A Cheever – Loophole has advised us on what we can say about this story.

Various commentators have suggested the player, who cannot be named for legal reasons is Steven Gerrard. Other names in the frame are Rio Ferdinand and Ryan Giggs. Many players names have been mentioned in blogs, facebook messages and tweets on twitter too and it is now known at least six Premiership stars are holding injunctions preventing details of their sexploits being printed. We of course could not possibly comment other than to say Gerrard is a hot favourite according to the Boggart Blog bookie.

Exclusive to Boggart Blog today however is news that a player has had his application turned down for an injunction to prevent us reporting he is the only Premiership footballer who does not hold an injunction that prevents the media revealing details of his private life.

Melchester Rovers Ruritanian midfielder Freefoot Sherroop told the court, “If it came out than I’m just an ordinary bloke who likes to spend time at home with my wife and kids it could ruin my career.”

Football Club Sold. Cheep As Chips says buyer.

In a piece of news that came in too late to make yesterday’s Boggart Blog we learned that Blackburn Rovers F.C. have been bought for £ 50 million by an Indian billionaire who made his money in chicken production.

We wish Rovers and their new owner the very best of fortune but we must say £50 million seems a poultry amount to pay for a Premiership team.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

RELATED POSTS:
Blackburn headless chicken saga goes on

Premiership Footballer And The Prostitute

Bugger, I posted this in the wrong blog today. Oh well, I wouldn’t want you to miss it…

When I saw the News Of The World headline about the Premiership footballer and the teenage prostitute my first thought was:
“Why would a decent human being with so much going for them want to get involved with somebody lives a life full of sleaze, depravity and moral turpitude.

But as I read the story I realised the girl was not much better herself.

RELATED POSTS:
Is He Brain Dead – No He’s A Fotballer
More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Premiership Priorities

The football season is with us again and though in the face of a global recession players wages and transfer fees are more inflated than ever it is good to hear of one Premiership clubs whose followers have their priorities sorted out.

A survey has revealed that Blackburn Rovers supporters get more excited than the fans of any other team when watching a game. Bear in mind here we are comparing the excitement levels of supporter groups famed around the world for fanatics, devotees of Liverpool, Manchester United, Arsenal, West Ham and even Sunderland. These are supporters who if asked “is football a matter of life and death to you?” would reply, “No, it’s more important than that.”

So what is it about watching The Rovers at Ewood Park that gets their fans so worked up. Boggart Blog carried out our own investigation that found it is nothing to do with the action on the field of play. Blackburn Rovers fans only experience the raised pulse, rapid breathing and other symptoms of an adrenaline surge when they hear the PA system announce the half time pies are on sale.

RELATED POSTS:
Apocalypse North: Northerners don’t just have different priorities, they exist on a different level of consciousness.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

The Premiership: new rules for a new season

After the embarrassments of the close season, during which time the management of The Premier League refused to appropriately punish West Ham United for blatant regard for the rules, some new regulations have been released today to ensure nothing similar ever occurs again.
Football fans will recall that West Ham should have had points deducted for fielding a player whose registration they did not own. The League’s administrators accepted the story that West Ham did actually own the player and the confusion came about because of a clerical error.
This was shown to be a cover up when Manchester United tried to buy the player from West Ham only to find his contract was actually held by a Dutch agent, Grasper van Dodji.

In order to clarify the rules for everybody’s benefit the League today announced these changes:

Rule 102749686 Section K sub section 3
All participating clubs not named West Ham United will have thirty points deducted.

Rule 4066253 Section C sub section 97
Referees in matches involving West Ham United will be required to consult with the West Ham United Chairman, manager and coach before awarding any decision against West Ham United
Rule 76794316 Section E sub section 12
West /Ham United will be allowed to select any player they fancy regardless of who owns his contract. Thus if West Ham United select Wayne Rooney, Steven Gerrard, William Gallas and John Terry, Manchester United, Liverpool, Arsenal and Chelsea will be obliged to release those players until such time as West Ham United have no further need of them.
Rule 37727835 Section A sub section 20
Should any team score a goal against West Ham United, the players of that team will only be allowed to hop around the pitch on one leg for a period of fifteen minutes.
Rule 50273167 Section D sub section 4
Any goal scored against West Ham United by any player whose name begins with a letter between A and Y (inclusive) will be disallowed.
Rule 94578436 Section T
Premier League clubs will be required to contribute £5 million each to a fund from which law suits against West Ham United relating to the sale of dodgy half time pies will be settled.