Funny Exam Answers. There Really Is No Hope For Humanity

It is probably too much of a generalisation to say humanity when what I mean is the English speaking world but the website currently going viral, funnyexam.com really does lead one to think that the pandemifc of dumbing down is universal.

Teacher from Britain and America are posting the silliest, wildest, most hopeless answers to exam questions on the website. A few years ago pages such as this would have featured verbal errors but now it seems pupils are so conditioned to communicate in non verbal images they draw picturesa to illustrate their stupidity.

Sample some of the postings at Funny Exam Answers

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Is Tourette’s Syndrome becoming infectious.

Medical experts are baffled by an outbreak of Tourette’s Syndrome in a New York State High School.

from Yahoo News

Girls struck with mystery illness at US school. A number of pupils from a US high school have been struck by a mysterious Tourette’s-type illness leaving doctors baffled as to how they contracted it.

15 girls from the Le Roy High School in New York, USA have developed the disorder in the past few months.

Symptoms include uncontrolled verbal outbursts and twitching and stuttering in some cases.

Dr. Jennifer McVige, a pediatric neurologist at the DENT Neurologic Institute who is treating many of the students affected, said she used the “diagnosis of exclusion” to establish their strange mannerisms using the process of elimination.

After an in-depth investigation by the New York State Health Department as well as school officials, Le Roy School District Superintendent Kim Cox says they had ruled out environmental factors being the cause of the unusual outbreak along with carbon monoxide, infections and the use of illegal drugs.

Doctors may not know the answer but Boggart Blog does. This outbreak is similar to something that happened when I was at school and I daresay something similar happened in many other schools before and since.

In my school we did not all start randomly shouting Feck, Arse, Wank, because neither Tourettes syndrome the Fathe Jack character from Father Ted had been invented. One day however we all started scratching. As son as the teacher told one person to stop another would start. Another day we were stammering when answering questions and on yet another occasion we all developed a nervous twitch.

Then the entire class was put in detention which resulted in scratching, twithching and stammering simultaneously. After a few days we got bored and went back to being ordinarily disruptive.

So there we have it. Medical science can diagnose all manner of ills but is baffled by teenagers having a laugh.

Tobogganing Teacher Sacked.

Fatsally post today demonstrates the extent of dumbing down in school examinations and now Boggart Blog will show how dumbed down the people who run our schools have become.

Mr. Richard Tremelling, a technology teacher at Cefn Hengoed Community School in Swansea, South Wales, has been sacked for letting 15-year-old children ride on a toboggan down a small slope. Teaching tobogganing was not in Mr. Tremelling’s job description of course but perhaps we was demonstrating the effect of gravity. Or perhaps the kids had built their own toboggan in craft classes.

Whatever. Bosses at the school and the Local Education Authority decided Mr. Tremelling had put the children at unnecessary and unacceptable risk.

Like any responsible adult, the teacher used his common sense to evaluate the risks, and decided that they were eff all minimal. As all of us who have slid down a big slope on a shop bought toboggan, a homemade effort constructed out of stuff purloined from Grandad’s Aladdin’s Cave of a shed, you Mum’s best tea tray or even a black bin bag tobogganing is not a high risk activity for people who if heading at speed towards brick walls, barbed wire fences, ponds covered in thin ice or main roads have enough common sense to simply fall off the toboggan.

In fact, Mr Tremelling was so careful, he even made one of the children (obviously the boy scientist who would be too busy doing equations involving speed, mass and trajectory to notice the brick wall, barbed wire fence etc. start from halfway down the slope.

In the eyes of education bureaucrats however tobogganing is a potentially dangerous activity, any plans for toboggan related field trips must be presented in written form and submitted along with a sixty seven page risk assessment to the official controller of ever so slightly risky activities involving pupils and it will be either approved or rejected before the end of the school year in July. Any scheme not complete by the end of the school year cannot be carried forward and applications must be resubmitted.

What worries us is these days kids need teaching to ride toboggans. Has it really come to the point where children are so indoctrinated they cannot think of ways to have fun in the snow themselves?

As for Mr Tremelling, he should be reinstated and given special responsibility for finding ways of putting education bureaucrats at risk.

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Its Official – You Don’t Have To Sit The Exam To Get An A Level.

The percentage of pupils passing A levels increased again as results were revealed today. This is the 20th year running that success rathes have climbed.

The results are cited as proof of what a good job the education ministry are doing. We should be proud that 197.6% of pupils entered for A levels passed I suppose.

There is always a doubt about the qualy of questions being set however. Some people are saying, rather unkindly we think, that candidates do not even have to write their name at the top of the paper to get an A level now.

In reality though multiple choice questions and coursework do count for a proportion of the make some of the questions are of a very challenging standard.

It is impoosible to get an A level geography for example unless one knows how to find one’s arse with both hands.

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More Teachers Than Pupils Drop Out Of School.

Earlier this week we had a New Labour clone drop in on one of our old education related posts to tell us Boggart Bloggers what evil people we are for making fun of those wonderful people who staff our schools and deliver New Labour’s modern education policies. Teachers it seems are wonderful, dedicated professionals who are totally committed to making sure pupils pass their SATS tests and schools hit their targets and do well in league tables.

These comments are always welcome because they refresh those old comment threads and also give is a chance to deliver a reply that is not so much a slap down as a pile driver any WWF wrestler would be proud of.

Bizarrely these visits usually occur at the same time as a news story that underlines the total and utter failure of New Labour’s education policies. This may just be coincidence as it surely is when we take the piss out of Obama and a couple of days later Obots will start turning up and accusing us of being Nazis just as they are now busy accusing people who don’t like the healthcare plan of being Nazis.

Is it Nazi to point out how comprehensively New Labour’s progressive education reforms have failed (unless of course there was a hidden agenda) ? Is it subversive to point out that an education system in which one on five school leavers cannot read or write has not exactly made great strides forward from the days when it was impossible to pass GCSEs without being able to read and write.

The latest in a long line of failures to be highlighted in the press is a set of figures showing that 40% of newly qualified teachers have left the state education system within six months of qualifying. A few of these teacher drop outs get jobs in private education but most quit teaching completely to take up careers as sex workers, shelf stackers, burger flippers or call centre clerks.

Sadly these early drop outs from teaching in state schools are often the best qualified of the output from teacher training. This leaves the people not bright enough to flip burgers or stack shelves to man our classrooms and equip teenagers with the skills they will need to build a future.

In the whacky world of New Labour Education Policymaking however a good grasp of their specialist subject is a less important requirement for young teachers than being part of an oppressed minority. This seems to apply most in the key areas of maths and the natural sciences. A maths teacher with a good A level in maths is more rare than a maths teacher with Tourette’s syndrome.

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The Cure For Swine Flu – Clutch At A Straw.

Nu Labour Health Minister the boyish Andy Burnham, as he tries to assure us the government is on top of the pandemic of fear and panic they generated about Swine Flu increasingly takes on the air of desperation of a drowning man not waving but clutching at straws. Yesterday Burnham was on television talking about how Nu Lab will stop Swine Flue spreading by having schools distribute doses of Tamiflu and a similar anti viral to pupils.

Burnham was quickly crucified on this one by presenter Andrew Castle. Now Andrew Castle is not the most incisive political interviewer, his main claim to journalistic excellence being his once having reached the third round at Wimbledon. Thirty years ago Castle would have been confined to interviewing dogs that said “sausages” or people who stuck nails up their noses. He would never managed to rope-a-dope Dennis Healy or Norman Tebbitt as easily as he did Andy Burnham. The government’s great plan to hand out anti virals you see has not just one snag but many, all of which the government’s spokesman seemed blissfully unaware of.

The type of anti viral being handed out like smarties at the first sign of Swine Flu in a school can cause fatal respiratory collapse in asthmatics, this had happened to the presenter’s own daughter. It was not only the danger to asthmatics, a side effect of the drugs is they can cause vomiting to such an extent dehydration would result. Not an ideal result as the standard medical advice for treating any kind of flu begins with “drink plenty of fluids.”

And finally, even if the drugs don’t kill or harm you, they simply don’t work. Tests have show antivirals don’t cure or prevent swine flu. Their effect, if they have any, is to alleviate symptoms slightly. So what is this ridiculous posturing by governments all about apart from clutching at straws?

Could it be an attempt to salvage an expensive plan that aimed to increase their authoritarian grip on the nation that has failed dismally? Ah well, they who live by fear and panic will perish by fear and panic. It would be funny if it was not so dangerous.

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More News From The Girls’ School

Last week we reported on the news that girls educated in single sex schools do better academically. Our in depth analysis on the topic revealed that while girls are distracted by the macho posturing of boys and do worse overall, boys are distracted from their lessons by anything and everything but the presence of girls at least encourages them to develop such skills as using soap regularly, changing their underwear once in a while and only demonstrating their fart lighting skills in private,

Since that article was published it has come to our notice that in the Labour manifesto the people’s party declared an “aspiration” (not a target or a pledge but an aspiration) that every girl should be educated in a single sex school but no boy ever should.

It’s such a simple idea we wonder why nobody thought of it before. Single sex schools for girls, mixed schools for boys.

Education, education, education. Obviously Labour Party policy makers need much more of it.

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UPDATED 31 March 2009: Teacher gets em out for the boys (and girls) Follow the link to read how sexy PE teacher Natasha Grey got in trouble for showing her knickers on the net.

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Ronald McDonald To Teach Australians Maths

The crisis in the maths class seems to grow ever worse. The latest news from the blackboard jungle down under shows that so great is the dearth of maths teachers in schools and the complete indifference of the pupils to the endlessly fascinating mysteries of pi or the occultism of quadratic equations, Ronald McDonald has been recruited by the government to teach basic maths online.

Leaving aside for a moment the rather inconvenient fact that children over five unanimously hate Ronald McDonald more than they hate maths teachers, because to the sophisticated modern child reared on Little Britain or The League of Gentlemen, clowns are sad, pathetic and totally unfunny while to the sensitive, unsophisticated child clowns are scarey.

Let’s face it, clowns are so a million years ago. In the catalogue of modern humour clowns rank somewhere between sticking a whoopee cushion on your granny’s chair and putting on a red nose to climb into a bath of baked beans for comic relief. Not effing funny OK. Meanwhile on the scale of frightening, Ronald McDonald is ahead of Jenny Greenteeth, The Bogey Man, The Wardrobe Monster and Iggy The Barebum Firebobby, right up alongside Jonathan King and Gary Glitter in fact. And that is very very frightening.

The Australian government have not thought this through of course, a spokesperson for the Australian Department of Education, Science and Silly Walks said; “Our main concern was that McMaths would be used to influence consumer choices but McDonald’s have assured us the programmes will be free of free of corporate interests.

Oh well that’s alright then, I mean it’s not as if Ronald’s clown suit is festooned with the corporate logo or that the character is a universally recognised symbol of the brand is it?

A different spokesperson, on behalf of the parliamentary opposition took up this point saying; “ Strewth, that bludger Ronnie Mac. should stick to cooking burgers and the Department of Education, Science and Silly Walks should stick to educating kids. before we know where we are that drongo Jamie Oliver will be selling tucker for a supermarket.”

So will McMaths help children do better in class or will it just encourage them to eat more burgers. You can decide after reviewing this sample maths problem.

Four Okker Larrikins, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce and Bruce pool their money, buy a bacon McMuffin each and decide to spend the rest on tinnies. They find they have enough money to buy twelve tinnies and decide to go to Bruce’s house to drink them.

As Bruce’s house they put on a DVD of the 2005 England versus Australia Cricket Test and sit down to watch, hoping this time Kevin Pietersen will be out for naught and Australia will win. Before the action gets started Bruce decides he needs a dump. While he is gone Bruce, Bruce and Bruce drink all the tinnies:

a) how many tinnies will be left for Bruce to drink when he gets back from the Dunny?
b) the question shows that Okker Larrikins do not give a XXXX for anybody but themselves. Calculate the value of XXXX ?
c) While Bruce was in the dunny he was bitten by a redback spider. The venom which turns human blood to jelly normally kills an adult male in thirty minutes. As Bruce is dehydrated because he has not drunk any tinnies how much more quickly will he die?

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£3,000 per term Private School Abandons GCSE – Only for thickos says head..

The highly regarded and comfortingly expensive Manchester Grammar School shocked the education establishment today when the head announced the school would no longer be offering it’s pupils the opportunity to sit GCSE examinations approved by the government’s Department of Education, Science and Silly Walks.

Instead Manchester Grammar pupils will take the iGCSE (International General Certificate Of Secondary Education) prior to entering the sixth form. According to Manchester’s headmaster Christopher Ray the iGCSE is similar to the traditional GCE in that passes are awarded for quality of work and not simply because pupils can be arsed to turn up.

Mr. Ray said in a statement to the press standards required to pass GCSEs have fallen so low his teachers are having to coach pupils in how not to appear too clever as this only irritates the examiners.

Call us old fashioned if you like possums but we Boggart Bloggers thought the whole point of education was to teach pupils to be as clever as possible. is it perhaps the case that answers given by the smartarse pupils of Manchester Grammar are way over the heads of exam markers who only have a third in Politically Correct Studies from University of Usedtobeapoly, Slaghoughton.

Perhaps we are missing the point. The new GCSE exams will ignore coursework (because pupils cannot be expected to give up Facebook time to do homework) and concentrate on collaborative in-class projects which will develop the skillset required for a career as a corporate zombie. The new system will also allow pupils who fail to resit examinations a bit at a time so as not to overstretch their twitter conditioned concentration span.

Manchester joins a number of top private schools in rejecting the GCSE. A junior minister at the Department of Education, Science and Silly Walks condemned the move as a backward step, saying that traditional subjects such as Geography, History, Physics and Biology have no part to play in building a modern, positive Britain ready to move forward and meet the new challenges of the 21st century under a modernising New Labour Government that is ready to embrace change and move forward.

Predictably the news was not welcomed by government members.“Modern employers demand modern education,” the minister told a Boggart Blog reporter, “and that means we must introduce policies that move education forward to produce school leavers who have GCSE qualifications in progressive subjects like knowing their arse from their elbow, being able to write their own name without the constraints of fascistic grammar and spelling rules and being able to stick to a script without deviation or trying to think for themselves, no matter how irrelevant the approved procedure is to the customer’s questions.

We also learned from an anonymous source the reformed GCSE standards will mean pupils are tested even more than at present making British pupils the most tested in the world. This is being hailed as a triumph for Labour’s education reforms as it has earned an entry in the Guinness book of records. British secondary school leavers are now officially recognised as the most highly qualified illiterates in the world.

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The Pupils Are Taking Over The School

News reached us today of a Department of Education, Culture and Silly Walks scheme to deal with the growing shortage of teachers. More and more qualified teachers are leaving the profession in protest at ever increasing levels of bureaucracy, the restrictions on disciplining disruptive pupils and sexual harassment by first years. There seems to be no way to stop this haemorrhaging of skills so the government, most of whom went to the kind of school that features in stories by Enid Blyton, have come up with a wizard wheeze to appoint school – leaver with three good GCSE’s as “apprentice classroom assistants who will be able to step in and teach classes when no qualified teacher is available.

Education is always a hot topic for Boggart Blog, fatsally was a teacher before becoming a full time blogger while Jenny Greenteeth built her reputation on having a certain way with disobedient children (she pulled them into stagnant water, drowned them and concealed the bodies under algae or duckweed.)

Naturally then we felt obliged to offer a learned critique of this scheme which seems to us no more than another attempt by Nu Labour to spin their way out of admitting a total failure. This morning’s editorial meeting turned into an impromptu brainstorming session to come up with alternatives. While the Boggart Blog Cub reporter and work experience girl Sez Jez suggested it was high time to admit school is just a waste of time and as Oscar Wilde said “Nothing worth learning can possibly be taught,” the older member of the team came up with this plan.

Schools should be segregated on gender lines again, keeping boys and girls apart will avoid the worst of hormonal distractions.

Boy’s schools could recruit Crack Hos working off their community service orders to keep the boys in order in the absence of a teacher.

In girls schools former reality television show participants could be brought in to teach female pupils how to destroy each other’s self esteem.

These problems would soon be solved if experts would just take the trouble to think things through.

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