The Federation Internationale Automotive meets today in Paris to decide the future of its sado-masochistic president, Max Mosley, who, in the wake of revelations about his sexual peccadilloes in the News of the World, has refused to jump unless he is pushed, and probably not even then.
Boggart.Blog has learnt, however, that instead of defending his actions as being private and between consenting adults and therefore none of anybody else’s business he will instead outline new rules designed to make televised motor racing more exciting, particularly Formula 1, which, unless the race is held on a rainy day in Monaco as it is every six or seven years, can be coma inducing.
Instead of hanging about on the grid in fireproof overalls hoping for a few words with Martin Brundle, when the lights go green the drivers will be required to leave their cars, return to the pits, strip off and then wriggle into leather thongs, before putting on their fireproof overalls again and dashing back to the cars to start the race. This will bring about a return to the old Le Mans style race start where the driver who got there first got to set off first. The grid girls will be dressed in dominatrix gear and will whip the drivers as they pass.
At the first pit stop, which will be compulsory, the drivers will leave their cars and use local information provided to arrange a sex session with at least three local prostitutes. A bonus point will be added to the teams final points for every prostitute over the number three that the driver manages to engage and make proper use of. The stewards will be watching carefully for any cheating here, e.g. just having a girl to make a cup of tea or prostitutes being drafted in and then used to change the tyres.
At the half-way stage the drivers will return to the pits again and search for hidden cameras and microphones. Help from the pit crew will result in a loss of five places at the finish line.
At the final pit stop the drivers will leave their car and engage in sado masochistic sex with the prostitutes which should last at least five hours, but they will be encouraged to whip through their repertoire in the briefest time possible, before stowing the cuffs, whips and uniforms into a special compartment on the car and driving to the finish line.
Nice One Max
Max Mosley keeping his job is a victory in the battle to retain our right to privacy.