If it was you, Mr. Racehorse, admit it

In case you missed Graham Norton’s show last night, our favourite sport presenter Clare Balding was talking about racehorse names that sound a bit rude if you say them quickly. Did you ever hear a horse racing commentator who didn’t talk quickly?

My favourite on the night was Hoof Hearted. Yes, that was a real horse’s name. Don’t believe be, watch this video.

Clare also mentioned a horse named Oil Beef Hooked. Presumably it’s owner was Irish.

Others that did nor make the show include: cunning stunt, hardawn, shiela blige, far canal fire, Wearthefoxhat.

Horse Sense

Horses are not large brained animals. I don’t know how big their brains are physically but they are not like dogs, marine mammals, bears, elephants, monkeys and apes. And if we humans represent the premier league of animal intelligence, horses are not even in the Slaghoughton and District Amateur Cloggers League, third division.

Horse do have good memories however. And if a creatre has a memory it can learn from experience. The horse I backed in the Cheltenham Gold Cup today certainly has.

It wasn’t a serious bet, none of the genuine contenders offered decent value so I opted for a small wager on Tidal Bay hoping he might give me a run for my money. Well I can’t not have a bet on the Gold Cup.

The horse ran as he has in every race for the past couple of years. He set off well enough but after about half a mile seemed to lose interest. On looking closdely I obseved horse and jockey were having an arguement.

By running the television replay though my computer and whacking the volume up to eleven I learned that Tidal Bay must have developed something close to human intelligence. As he began to dawdle the jockey gave him a kick and said,

“Come on, you’re letting the others get away from us.”

“Are you ‘avin’ a laff said Tidal Bay (he’s a northern horse) If we ‘ang about they’ll come round again. We can join in then.”

RELATED POSTS:
Cold Comfort – Frozen Pets The Latest Craze

The Not So Grand National

This year’s Grand National was a non event for me, none of the horses I had fancied made it to the post.

just for interert I had a small bet on Kilbeggan Blade. Much to my surprise the horse sent me a taxt as the runners aproached the 21st fence. It read: “Do you know how hard I’ve worked all through the winter and how much effort I’ve but in to still be incontention at this point? If a fiver each way is all you think I’m worth eff you!.”

And he refused the jump.

Greenteth Multi Media
bogboggart
Greenteeth Comedy Pages
A Tale Told By An Idiot

Today at Aintree – it’s not Newcastle

Thank Gawd the G20 is over and that lot have all gone. Tomorrow is Grand National Day. We can all have a bet and show we don’t give a stuff about the economic meltdown.

Watching the racing this afternoon I noticed between races a presenter interviewing groups of tratily dressed and possibly drunk women.

This is Ladies Day at Aintree, he said, and except on a beach I have never seen so many women wearing so few clothes.

Obviously the lad had never been in Newcastle on a Friday night.

Greenteth Multi Media
bogboggart
Greenteeth Comedy Pages
A Tale Told By An Idiot

Mosley Whips Up a Frenzy

The Federation Internationale Automotive meets today in Paris to decide the future of its sado-masochistic president, Max Mosley, who, in the wake of revelations about his sexual peccadilloes in the News of the World, has refused to jump unless he is pushed, and probably not even then.

Boggart.Blog has learnt, however, that instead of defending his actions as being private and between consenting adults and therefore none of anybody else’s business he will instead outline new rules designed to make televised motor racing more exciting, particularly Formula 1, which, unless the race is held on a rainy day in Monaco as it is every six or seven years, can be coma inducing.

Instead of hanging about on the grid in fireproof overalls hoping for a few words with Martin Brundle, when the lights go green the drivers will be required to leave their cars, return to the pits, strip off and then wriggle into leather thongs, before putting on their fireproof overalls again and dashing back to the cars to start the race. This will bring about a return to the old Le Mans style race start where the driver who got there first got to set off first. The grid girls will be dressed in dominatrix gear and will whip the drivers as they pass.

At the first pit stop, which will be compulsory, the drivers will leave their cars and use local information provided to arrange a sex session with at least three local prostitutes. A bonus point will be added to the teams final points for every prostitute over the number three that the driver manages to engage and make proper use of. The stewards will be watching carefully for any cheating here, e.g. just having a girl to make a cup of tea or prostitutes being drafted in and then used to change the tyres.

At the half-way stage the drivers will return to the pits again and search for hidden cameras and microphones. Help from the pit crew will result in a loss of five places at the finish line.

At the final pit stop the drivers will leave their car and engage in sado masochistic sex with the prostitutes which should last at least five hours, but they will be encouraged to whip through their repertoire in the briefest time possible, before stowing the cuffs, whips and uniforms into a special compartment on the car and driving to the finish line.

Nice One Max
Max Mosley keeping his job is a victory in the battle to retain our right to privacy.

Sports car spirituality?

The Church of Scientology is trying to reach out to more Americans by embracing US motor sport. Scientologists will sponsor a Nascar racing team, called the Dianetics Racing Team. Nascar is the most popular spectator sport in the US, with 75 million fans.

Other Nascar teams are complaining that the Scientologists cars will have an unfair advantage as the Team Dianetics with be using revolutionary Orbitally Modified Monoatomic Element fuelled engines provided by the Thetans.

The whole plan could backfire though. Bearing in mind what we know of the mentality of motor sport fans Boggart Blog believes the positive thinking cult will probably drive people away from Nascar now that Nicole Kidman has announced her return to Roman Catholicism.

Do Not Go Gentle Into The Home Straight

With acknowledgements to Dylan Thomas, the poet not the horse.

Do not go gentle into the home straight,
The others are coming up like express trains
Go faster, donkey, the winning post’s in sight.

Two furlongs out I was counting ill – gotten gains
and thinking about very big drinks tonight.
but the jockey was too gentle on the reins.

Caught on the line, it does not seem right,
my horse led from the start and staked his claims,
but in the end lack of stamina was his plight.

The first two horses, I forget their names,
both timed their final surge just right.
Horse racing can be the most cruel of games.

Dylan Thomas ran a good race but did not quite
have that turn of foot to fulfil his trainers aims,
though the margin of defeat was only slight

Still an each way bet at twenty fives is alright.
Sometimes it pays to back horses by their names
and Dylan Thomas carried a poet’s bet round Epsom’s tight
and undulating track to finish in the frame.

Yes, I backed Dylan Thomas (the horse) in the Derby, £10 each way (win and place) at 25 to 1 (quarter the odds for a place) not a great result but not bad – and I got an easy post out of it.

Ascot Follies ( horse racing )

Ascot Follies.
Preparations for the 4:20 race at Royal Ascot (transferred to York) yesterday were disrupted when favourite Eden Rock got his dick out during the pre – race parade. Now we are not talking about some gelding politely getting enough out to enable him to have a waz in comfort, but an excited stallion with a full erection, a good two feet or more of equine schlong was swinging wildly from side to side endangering life and limb as he trotted round the parade ring… Read full Ascot Follies post here.

Royal Ascot (at York)

And if you fancy a bet

MORE new humour every day from Boggart Blog