A Cure For Recession Blues

Everybody has the recession blues it seems, the unemployed who are bullied to get back to work but the harder they try to find jobs the unemployeder they get, the elderly whose pensions are eroded by inflation, the graduates who studied hard for a degree and find themselves burger flipping, working in a photocopy shop or like our own Cleo Hart playing Bubble to the Eddie Monsoon of a health and beauty firm (Cleo has a 2:1 in Art History).

People who want to buy houses can’t get mortgages, people who want to sell houses can’t get buyers and people who want to live quietly in their houses are beseiged by their boomerang kids and by havng three housefulls of stuff in their compact three bed bungalow.

And satirical bloggers are depressed because the coalition government has not had time to do anything really stupid and there aren’t many jokes to be extracted from an oil spill.

Still help is at hand. It seems the Coalition even at this early stage has found a fully paid up, card carrying member of the clowns club to entertain us.

“When things are tough life does not have to be miserable,” skills minister John Hayes told a Boggart Blog reporter yesterday, adding “When the going gets tough the flower arrangers get going.”

Going to adult education classes that it. Apparently a course in flower arranging can, according to Mr. Hayes, lift depression and enhance one’s quality of life. Maybe this is true for many people but the concensus in the Boggart Blog Office is we’ll stick with drinking the wine and smoking the herbal mixture.

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Your Country Needs You To Spend, Spend, Spend

Disturbing news from those omnipotent gods, the economists.

They have identified the people responsible for the current lack of economic growth, remember we are the only G20 country still in recession.

And it’s all down to those irresponsible people trying to reduce their debts, or heaven forbid, actually accumulate some savings.

But could this be because when credit was cheap us Brits went out there and well, spent for England as they say.
According to the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development UK households owed a gobsmacking 180% of their total net disposable income.
As a comparison US households owed 130%, French 100% and German 98%.

The problem is that whilst we are doing our best to stay solvent, the economy is going nowhere.

But don’t worry, I’m sure it won’t be long before Gordon dreams up a savings tax and a tax on those who reduce their debt to manageable levels, the monies raised to be distributed to the feckless in the form of vouchers to be spent on things they didn’t even know they needed, but obviously they must do because somebody has gone to the trouble of making them.

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Is It A Bird? Is It A Plane? No! It’s SuperGordon….

Despite two opinion polls at the weekend both showing that Labour has fallen to an all time low with the voting public, and worse than that, have now dropped below the Liberal Democrats, Gordon Brown says he will not be forced out of office to make way for someone who might be able to salvage something from the forthcoming general election.
Apparently SuperGordon thinks that the public are expecting him to clean up politics and beat the recession.

Boggartblog enjoys a brief interlude in the mind of Gordon Brown.

A gothic building sits swathed in yellowish fog, drifting from the pungent river that flows sluggishly by.
Inside, in cavernous rooms where shadows lurk in corners not reached by the flickering flames of the chandeliers, six hundred men and women writhe in an orgy of greed and excess.

Murmurings, mutterings, mouthings of discontent meander through the mob, massed outside this palace of Westminster.
Disbelief turns to anger, anger pulsates to outrage and bursts free, glowing white hot at the arrogance of the rulers secluded in their ivory towers, afloat on their duck islands, secure behind their moats, sitting in their massage chairs, watching porn on the flatscreen tvs, whilst their trousers are pressed by a Corby and their children are minded by an uncle and the property is actually owned by their husband, or their wife and they don’t really live there.

The mob howls in pain at the excess and looks heavenward for help.
Who can save them from this hoarde of Marie Antionettes?

But then, a gasp goes through the crowd.
A streak of light slices through the air.
Is it a bird?
Is it a plane?
Is it an MP flipping between his first and second homes?
A figure alights on the tower of Big Ben.
A bright light radiates like a halo around this golden apparition.
A red cape streams behind him in the breeze.
On his chest he wears the emblem SG
There is another sharp intake of breath as the colossus starts to speak.

“People of Britain, do not despair.
I will not forsake you in your hour of need.
I am here, to clean up politics and to guide us out of the recession.
I know that is what you expect of me, and that is what I shall deliver.
I will not leave until I have accomplished this.
I am SUPERGORDON.”

The crowd look on in dismay, does he mean it?
Will he stay?

A man pushes forward through the crowd.
Tall, siver haired, unassuming.

“It’s you who got us into this mess in the first place.”
He calls to the superhero astride the roof.
“Now just fuck off and let somebody who can actually do something have a go!”

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General Motors New Puma Is Not What It Sounds Like

Recession always brings out the worst in inventors it seems. Remember the Sinclair C5, the best joke of the early 1980s recession? We were told petrol prices would go through the roof, the government would tax drivers off the roads and we were all going to be hard up forever and would not be able to afford any personal transport except these ridiculous little battery assisted tricycles. Yeah right. The Sinclair C5 was created by an ubernerd, developed and marketed at enormous cost and sold a dozens or so eager but terminally sad buyers.

Get ready for an even bigger laugh. General Motors, in a bid to recover from the embarrassment of near bankruptcy and not selling very many gas guzzling Hummers, Cadillacs and Chevolets in these hard up times after they had built such a lot have teamed up with Segway to launch the recession beating PUMA

Who are Segway?

If you have ever seen one of those Segway scooters that politician’s can’t stand up on you might get an idea of what is coming. The GM Puma is not the sporty coupe you might imagine but a hard top version of the segway scooter, a sort of mobility aid for disabled people with a weird sense of humour and suicidal tendencies.
See a video of the P.U.M.A in action at hotair.com. Would a clinically sane person be seen dead in one of these?

The machines are being marketed as the cool personal transport for the new world order. Well we would surely be surprised to see Jeremy Clarkson driving one but who actually would? Old ladies who walk with Zimmer frames, metrosexual men who have taken a vow of chastity? The Obama’s looking for a photo-opportunity?

Clive Sinclair, we recall, thought his crackpot invention would be acclaimed as cool. His mistake was trying to sell them to a generation that had grown up with Vespas and Minis.

The current generation might be about to discover how cool a second hand Ford Ka or VW beetle can be when compared to the green alternative.

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Amid much ballyhoo from tame environmentalists paid by Megacorp Inc. carmakers BMW have unveiled their electric mini. The regular mini, a good car though …

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A new electric car, the Tesla, that appears to offer the breakthrough technology to provide clean, practical personal transport we have been waiting …

Electric cars may not be very sexy but a conventional petrol driven Volvo is. A Norwegian Volvo Driver was fined recently for having sex while driving on the motorway The story is reported by The Anorak.

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G20: World Leaders Declare Open Season On Witches

The ExCel Centre in London Docklands is a forbidding place – no, let’s rewind, London Docklands is a forbidding place, more so now it is filled with soulless office blocks than when it was a maze of tumbledown warehouses and Dickensian streets filled with slum – dwellers. At least the area had character then, the new docklands only has that air of desperation common to all manufactured communities. The ExCel, where the great and good were gathered last week to put the world to rights and set us on the road to recovery, fits comfortably into such an area.

Obviously I was not there in person, bloggers do not yet receive invitations to such events and bloggers who make it their mission to ridicule our leaders probably never will. No matter the whole show was broadcast and a camera even took us from the security barrier and through the labyrinthine and often surreal clearance process.

A huge temporary shed had been built onto the already ugly building. On getting through the first security check the reporter and cameraman were herded inside the shed. It turned out this was only a holding pen for people to await the real security checks. Vetting the journalists was a long, convoluted and tedious providing a taste of what was to come. So depressing did the prospect seem, several old – hands of the media circus extraordinarily-renditioned themselves away to The City where they could watch the event unfold on TV while comforting themselves with a pint of port wine and a slice of pork and game pie in The Back Bull, a pub that has provided such refuge and refreshment for over four hundred years. The G20 conference lacks a sense of history. The Black bull does not. No wonder The City (so called because it is the part of London that was enclosed by the ancient wall,) used to be known as The Gout Capital Of The World.

Really the whole venue was wrong, not only is Docklands a nightmare to get to and from by motorcade and very difficult to secure, it is also next to London City Airport so the noise of jet engines did nothing to help either speakers or broadcasters. It is a symptom of the governing political party New Labour’s meritocracy or should I say mediocracy that in a city so crammed with ideal venues for the making of history, they could choose one so drab, ugly and logistically unsuitable. We British used to excel at staging big occasions that require pomp and circumstance. Twelve years of, New now rebranded “NuLab” because change equals success, have turned us into a bunch of ham fisted amateurs at organizing everything. The old phrase “couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery” comes to mind.

The Guildhall is a wonderful eighteenth century gothic building crammed with priceless antiques, unique wall hangings and paintings by Old Masters. A far better place perhaps to remind G20 attendees of the difference between themselves, devotees of procedure and academic theory and the adventurers and buccaneers who laid the foundations of the modern world. If security for The ZGuildhall was the problem, though it could not be as much of a problem as the actual venue which is surrounded by immigrant areas, there are other venues in Whitehall, the government district that are almost as impressive and in an area already set up to protect the Royal Palaces and the Houses of Parliament are easily secured.

The ExCel is modern however and modern is the favourite word of NuLab politicians although since last November “change” is running a close second. Ladbrokes and other spread betting forms even run a book on how many times Gordon Brown will use each word in his speeches. NuLab politicians are always telling us they are committed to deliver the change Britain needs if it is to move forward to meet the challenges of the 21st century. Doing things well does not even make the frame. Buzzword obsessed politicians have forgotten change and improvement are very different things.

Once vetted the TV crew led us to the hall itself. Inside the blinds were drawn but the furniture was real. Not so the conference itself which took on a surreal quality as speaker after speaker, all of whom mistrust and hate each other, lined up to sing the praises of the other leaders. One point was repeated over and over again: the financial meltdown was not the fault of politicians Oh no, the world leaders and representatives of lesser nations had behaved with impeccable probity throughout the crisis. The sub – prime mortgage meltdown and the subsequent collapse of global financial markets had all been the fault of the greedy bankers. When organising a witch hunt the first task is to find a wicth.

The best way to put everything right, the speakers all told us, was to trust the politicians. One has to wonder how stupid politicians think ordinary people are?

The world leaders having agreed they are the only people who can save the economic system could not agree how it should be done. Gordon Brown and Barack Obama wanted a stimulus. instead they got a homunculus in the shape of Nicolas Sarkozy. M. Sarkozy said the French did not need any stimulating and directed the Special Relationship boys to Soho, the centre for London’s sleaze business where all sorts of stimuli are available in the sex shops, lap-dancing clubs and certain establishments that cater to gentlemen who “bat for the other team.”

Sarko’s resistance to Obama’s attempts to stimulate him were supported by Germany’s Angela Merkel, possibly the most unstimulating human being alive, Mrs Obama excepted. Poor Michelle is having a problem living up to her newly acquired sex – bomb and fashion icon label. As Shakespeare might have said: Some are born with sex appeal, some develop sex appeal and some have sex appeal thrust upon them. It’s hard to be sexy though when one’s best features are arms. Did anybody ever know a guy who after passing an attractive woman in he street would look over his shoulder and say, “Phwoar, nice arms?

After the politicians had praised each other and blamed the greedy, amoral bankers they moved on to demonising the tax havens. A few minutes of this and completely harmless and often beautiful places like Jersey, Luxembourg, Switzerland and Grand Cayman started to sound like Belial, Chemosh, Bel Shammoreth or Azazel. Let any of these places become your familiar spirit – erm, I mean tax haven of choice and you are going to be in so much trouble from the kind of people who find evil in a cuckoo-clock. The vile tax havens are depriving honest governments of much needed revenue that ought to be spent on socially desirable projects like jollies for politicians and mag-lev rail trcks to nowhere. What other projects might need these trillions of Dollars, Pounds and Euros? Well if you listen to the G20 leaders you will learn that the military need bigger armies, academics need bigger academies, environmentalists need bigger environments, bureaucrats need bigger bureaux and tax eaters* need bigger pork barrels

So recovery is simple then, have the greedy bankers burned at the stake and take control of the tax havens. The problem with attacking tax havens is they are in most cases sovereign territories. The big nations cannot tell them what to do. And of those that are not sovereign territories, well the biggest tax haven in the world with the most super-rich friendly tax regime, the mother of all tax havens, the Cthulhu of fiscal criminality is none other than London which has the most lenient tax arrangement for non – domiciled business.

A slight conflict of interest there maybe. Or an indication that nobody really has the first idea how to get out of the current mess. Instead of steering us safely away from the storm the leaders have misread their compass and set us on a course towards the maeldtrom that may drag us down into the abyssal depths of slump.

One thing people need to be clear about to save them for falling for the hogwash politicians use to clean out the pork barrels is that tax havens are not involved in tax evasion any more than the hot dog vendor in your town is involved in tax evasion when not asking each customer, “Did you come by the money you paid for this dog honestly and declare the income on your tax return?” Do we really want a society in which we are all required to spy on each other for the government?

Tax havens do not ask many questions. Does your bank question you about how you came by the money when you deposit cash? If they do, change your bank. Business, from the hot dog vendor to the international banker has always depended on good faith. The business tax havens are really in is tax avoidance which is legal. Tax evasion is a crime and no government is keen to assist criminals from other countries.

The people who make use of tax havens merely exploit laws made by the same governments that are now denouncing tax havens. If those governments were more competent at framing their laws and not so greedy for tax revenue to feed the insatiable appetite for money of bureaucracies tax avoidance would not be a problem.

Governments will never accept that maybe they are approaching a problem from the wrong direction so what the G20 delegates agreed to do after pointing the finger of blame is have a Witch Hunt. They have their devils, the tax havens, they have their witches, the bankers. The next step will be trial. During the witch hunts of the Inquisition it was trial by ordeal; the accused would be ducked in water, buried under heavy stones, thrown on a fire or tossed from a church roof. If she survived it proved her guilt because The Devil had obviously helped her, if she did not survive she died without a stain on her character. I suspect the bankers and the people who govern tax havens will suffer a worse fate, trial by media.

Be wary, the hysteria of witch hunts is extremely contagious. The sad thing is the bankers though not blameless are not entirely responsible for the crisis. irresponsible government spending played a big part too. The only thing we can conclude from the G20 is that the world leaders are clueless and their hugely costly exercise in diversion was a festival of windbaggery.

Daemonologie:
Belial and Chemosh should be familiar to people who read The Bible and Azazel to Jewish readers. Bel Shammoreth is an Archdemon in Terry Pratchett’s Discworld comedy novels and Cthulhu is from H.P. Lovecraft’s Necronomicon.

*tax eaters: a phrase coined by 19th century social reformer William Cobbett.

The Obama Myth continues to crumble at home and abroad.

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Full Marks (and Spencers) for Wise Buys and Big Knickers.

Not long ago we reported on the plans of posh people’s supermarket Waitrose to introduce its own budget brand to compete with Tesco No Frills and Asda Smart Price. Waitrose ignored our suggestion that the new line should be called “Not Very Many Frills” and chose to call it essentials. While some of you may wonder just how essential items like Extra Virgin Olive Oil, Balsamic Vinegar, Tinned Mung Beans and budget Pate de Fois Gras actually are to your shopping basket we are more concerned to find that now Waitrose have fallen to the recession, that bastion of suburban values Marks and Spencer are to follow. Bludgeoned by recesion, credit crunch and quantitative easing
M & S are aggressively promoting their own budget brand “Wise Buys”

Shopper watching in Marks will be a good way of finding out who is truly classy and who just has pretensions. Your real quality (a) would not be seen dead in an M & S sweater and (b) would not buy a budget brand because they would be aware of the old false economy maxim, “buy chap, buy twice.” Its surprising though how many of the showiest people are cheapskates. All fur coat and no knickers as the saying goes.

Which moves us on to the wisest buy for women shopping in Marks during these chilly economic times, the best money saver of all; Big Knickers. The traditional passion killers of the past ought to be the essential underwear of the recession.

How so? Big Knickers are truly passion killers, newly unemployed people with time on their hands may find their thoughts turning to afternoon delight before the kids get home from school. If you look at the latest official figures on the cost of bringing up a child you will understand the economic benefits of sexually repellent underwear.

More on Big Knickers in Ethical Knickers For Your valentine
While some women find security in Big Knickers others are insulted at suggestions they need such things.

While British Supermarkets batlle it out with Budget brands over in Eastern Europe they are tacking the recession in much more creative ways.
CLICK HERE to go to Love For Sale With Loyalty Points to find out more.

Evil Bastards Are Trying To Save The Planet

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Recession poetry – The Slug And The Snail on Authorsden. Ever tried crawling a mile in someone else’s shell?

Q.E. with Stephen Fry: The television panel game for recession and financial crisis.

A television studio set of a pnel game. four panellists are arranged in pairs on either side of the host, Stephen Fry.

Stephen Fry:
A very good evening and welcome one and all to Q.E. the panel game about Quantitative Easing and other aspects of the financial crisis that have led to recession and possibly the end of civilisation as we know it. This is a show similar to QI in many ways in that I ask incredibly difficult questions about the collapse of the global economy so the panel can give excruciatingly incorrect answers. I then correct them in a smug and patronising yet simultaneously witty and charming way only a national treasure like myself could possibly carry off.
It matters not though that our panel are seldom able to give the correct answer as nobody truly knows what the correct answer is so we give them points for being Quite Entertaining which is a form or Quantitative Easing for the stressed out spirit.

Well now that everybody is totally confused about what is going on I shall introduce the panel. On my left we have The Politicians, a dour, curmudegeonly Scot to whom we shall refer as The DCS and a Tory Posh Boy (though obviously he is not as posh as me) who shall go by the monicker of TPB.

Over on my right meanwhile, straining at the leash as they wait to dive into the fray we have The Entertainers, a Working Class Dolt or WCD for short…

WCD:
That’s a bit like WMD innit? WCD, that could be weapon of complete destruction. I like that.

SF:
That is Quite Entertaining so you can have a point. It is I however who shall be the Weapon Of Complete destruction as I make you all look ridiculous. And speaking of looking ridiculous, completing the line up tonight our final panellist is the woman with the biggest tits in Britain; Katie Price. And now the formalities are done with let us move to the first question. Who or what is to blame for the credit crunch?

WCD:
Yeah, I know this. It was Oscar Wilde. (bells ring, sirens wail and a chorus of Flash Bang Wallop What A Picture plays.)

SF:
No, no, no, oh dear me no. In this game you should not give the obvious answer because nothing is ever what it seems to be. No it was not Oscar Wilde, a character portrayed with no little excellence by myself in a film some years ago I might add.

WCD:
Samuel Johnson, George Bernard Shaw, Shakespeare, Winston Churchill?

SF:
Unfortunately it was not Samuel Johnson, George Bernard Shaw or indeed any of the usual suspects. When an inquisitor asks for the originator of a particular epigram it is always a good idea to answer Wilde of Shaw. The point you missed though is the credit crunch is not an epigram but a sobriquet for the collapse of confidence in the global banking system.

DCS:
Aye och aye, it was the last Tory government.

TPB:
What ho chaps and chapesses; It was the Dour Curmudgeonly Scot on my right, Absoluteleah yah?

SF:
You all lose points for not being entertaining.

Katie Price:
I got the biggest tits in Britain.

SF:
That’s very nice for you Katie but I hardly think it is the cause of the credit crunch.

WCD:
It might be, right. If the Sun and Nuts and all that lot paid Katie per inch for the amount of busty tissue she was getting out cos they knew the more she got out the more copies they’d sell if could have led to all the blokes in the world maxing out their credit cars to see more of Katie’s boobs.

SF:
Total nonsense but very entertaining. Have some points.

TPB:
It was the ban on foxhunting.

SF:
Why, how did the ban on inbred idiots like you molesting small furry animals cause the credit crunch you inbred idiot?

TPB:
No idea but it did. I said so and I’m posher than you.

DCS:
I know, och aye. It was that fat tongued idiot Jamie Oliver and his healthy school dinners. Mt predecessor Tony (hack – phut) Blair let the fool loose with school dinners budgets and instead of feeding little cavs on turkey twizzlers and monster munch that they enjoy he was giving them cous cous that costs a fortune and they hate.

SF:
A cous cous conspiracy. That’s quite entertaining but completely wrong.

TPB:
I say you chaps, it was caused by the Bee Colonies dying. (Bells ring, Sirens wail and a chorus of The Bee Gee’s Stayin’ Alive plays)

SF:
Oh dear, we knew somebody would say the decline of the Bee population was to blame but it is not right. The decline of the bee population is a problem as bees are responsible for pollinating many important food crops but I’m afraid they are not involved in pollinating the global economy.

WCD:
Did you know Bees invented radar.

TPB:
Two bees featured on the logo of Bradford and Bingley Mortgage Banks and the credit crunch started when they went bankrupt.

WCD:
My uncle had his savings in Bradford and Bingley. When they went bankrupt he lost the lot. It stressed him out so much he had an attack of hives.

SF:
That’s very entertaining, you can have five points.

Katie Price:
Ashley, the credit crunch was caused when the so called sub prime mortgage market in Britain and the USA was revealed as a glorified Ponzi scheme. Bad loans made to clients lacking the means to repay were collateralised by over-valuing poor quality properties. Eventually the overvaluation of assets to provide collateral for loans reached such ridiculous levels the banks lost confidence in the collateralised debt obligation they were trading, realising that such derivatives were not underwritten by real, negotiable assets.

SF:
That’s amazing Katie, you’re absolutely right, but who is Ashley? Moving on to the next question, what is the biggest thing in the solar system?

WCD:
A Blue Whale. (Bells ring, trumpets blare and the theme from Jaws plays.

SF:
Oh no, you always fall for it, it isn’t a Blue Whale.

WCD:
It’s a very big Blue Whale that is swimming through space with The Universe balanced on its back.

SF:
Not, that’s a turtle you are thinking of. Lose all your points.

WCD:
You know in The Bible right? It says a whale swallowed that bloke Jonah. Well a Blue Whale can’t swallow anything bigger than a grapefruit so Jonah must have been a dwarf.

SF:
Very good, that is quite entertaining, you can have back half the points you just lost. Anyone got an answer? What is the biggest thing in the solar system.

Katie Price:
Ashley it’s me tits.

SF:
I’m sorry Katie, I don’t want to destroy your self esteem but there are much bigger things in The Solar System than your tits although a Blue Whale could not swallow either of them let alone both.

DCS:
This is easy, it’s the Labour majority in Parliament. (Bells ring, foghorns hoot and a chorus of The Red Flag plays)

SF: No.

TPB:
Easy peasy lemon squeezy. The Sun. (bells ring, a lone wolf howls and a chorus of The Sun Has Got His Hat On is played.)

SF: Absolutely wrong and very obvious. You will have to be more entertaining than that.

Katie Price:
Ashley it’s the total indebtedness of the American nation, not the annual trade deficit, not even the national debt but the total indebtedness of every household, business, non commercial organisation and government department. It currently stands at $63.7 trillion and if you stacked up 63.7 trillion dollar bills they would reach further into the sky than me tits do when I lie on be back.

SF:
Absolutely right Katie but don’t call me Ashley, it isn’t my name.

Katie Price:
I know you’re called Stephen Ashley.

SF:
No, I’m called Stephen Fry actu… oh I see. Apologies. Anyone able to tell me what a trillion dollars is?

WCD:
The amount what Katie has insured her tits for?

Katie:
Gerrahtofit. Those is priceless.

SF:
They would be if you had them amputated but on to the final question. If the government’s Quantitative Easing policy fails what could possibly solve the global crisis?

DCS:
Och aye, copy everything Barack Obama does

TPB:
OK yah, we can bet The Crown Jewels on Kauto Star to win The Gold Cup again next year.

WCD:
Start printing money.
Rob a few banks.
Ask Vince Cable.

SF:
All wrong except for the one about Vince Cable but he isn’t here. Everybody loses all their points.

DCS:
Aye but ye see Mr. Fry…

WCD:
You sound like a Bond villain, ye see Mr. Bond nobody can stop me because I control all the porridge in the world.

DCS:
Ye see Stephen Quantitative Easing cannae fail because transferring toxic assets to the taxpayer will free the banks to restart lending at usurious rates to people who have no jobs, no income and no means to repay the loan except by borrowing more, using the toxic assets they hold as collateral.

TPB:
OK yah, my party would reintroduce slavery. There has never been a successful economy that was not based on slavery.

Katie Price:
The Tory Posh boy is not living on Planet Reality and the Dour Curmudgeonly Scot has lost the plot, what he is proposing is just a repetition of the debt fuelled boom that got us into the mess. We must first address the deep flaws in the system used to move money around the world by introducing strict but fair and transparent regulation then the banks can be held accountable for their malfeasance. Secondly the government must be willing to let banks fail rather than throwing taxpayers money at them. It is sufficient to underwrite clients’ savings. Bail outs and stimuli are simply a reward for failure. Third we must buy up houses with serious mortgage arrears due to the mis-selling of mortgages. By doing that we can allow people to stay in the homes they have made for themselves. Finally we must close tax loopholes which make it profitable to import from China good that could be made here. A system that exports British jobs and punishes local enterprise is insanity.

SF:
Absolutely right. Katie Price, you astound me.

Katie:
Of course I do because…

(she rips off her prosthetic breasts and tears away the false skin that has covered her face)

I’m not Katie Price at all, I’m really Vince Cable, the only personb in politics who saw the crash coming.

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The Slug And The Snail – poetry for the recession

News From The Breadline #2

Not quite news of folk already on the breadline in this post as people who are already on their way there. Posh peopls’ supermarket Waitrose, not pereviously known for its “stack ‘em high, sell ‘em cheap” marketing promotions and BOGOFFs has been forced to acknowledge the recession and is to launch its own budget brand to comete with lines like ASDA Smart Price, Sainsbury’s Basics, Netto Super de Luxe and Tesco No Frills.

We hear Waitrose are not abandoning all their pretensions in a bid to find the lowest common denominator though. The new budget brand will be called “Only A Few Frills.”

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News From The Breadline #1 – At The Soup Kitchen With Michelle

The big photo – op for Mrs. Obama last week was not during Gordon Brown’s visit to Washington but when The First Lady and other wealthy Democratic Party women put in a shift at a soup kitchen.

Shots of a smiling Mrs. O and her buddies cooking and ladling out the food appeared in every newspaper, and featured on TV news bulletins.

Sadly, rather than showing how they were standing shoulder to shoulder with The huddled Masses” the privileged Liberal ladies of Washington only showed how out of touch are the political elite with the lives of ordinary people. Michelle O. and Co. will never be down with the po’ folks.

How do we know this ?

A little bird told us the three course meal on offer to homeless people consisted of Broccoli and Stilton soup with Gnocchi, a Mushroom Risotto for the main course and a selection of fresh fruit to follow.

What the mainstream media failed to report was Michelle Obama’s reaction when one of the homeless diners asked, “Are we supposed to eat this crap?”

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

We loved the feature in The Independent today, an excerpt from Barack Obama’s weekly address. Obama, who is frequently seen boarding his airplane or helicopter, says, “We cannot afford to waste money on things we don’t need.” Nice one barry, keep up the good work. We Bloggers always need new material.

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