Pope Benedict Resigns: Who Will Lead The Catholic Church Now? A Surprise Front Runner Emerges

The resignation of Pope Benedict as head of the Roman Catholic Church has shocked the world this morning and kicked of wild speculation that a bigger scandal than the Jimmy Savile story could be about to erupt. Boggart Blog’s main rival, The Daily Smear, led on a story that thousands of Catholic nuns had been heard chanting Benny Dicked Us.

The resignation could destabilise many third world nations where the Catholic Church still has a strong political influence. With no obvious contenders among the Vatican hierarchy, disunity could be seen as an opportunity for disruptive elements within the church and nations where is is close to those in power, while too conservative a candidate could cause conflict with progressive political forces.

Some commentators are suggesting this time the Cardinals should elect a Pope who is younger and more in touch with the modern world. This has led to the emergence of a surprise from runner. Not only is he young and progressive by Papal standards, he is British too.

Step up to the mark Tony Blair. Though Blair is only a comparatively recent convert to Catholicism, he is slippery enough to be an effective operator in international politics, dishonest enough to convince both radical and conservative Catholics he is on their side. And he is currently looking for a way to get back into British politics.

What better reason could there be for confining him in The Vatican.

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Pope Bliar 1st

Asterix Is Attacked By Taxeaters

Boggart Blog frequently has a go a scientists, mainly because scientists who read blogs get so tetchy and uppity when anyone has a go at their ilk. It is not science we are pissed off by however but cuntiness of the kind that abounds across the whole academic spectrum in Universities. It is nice to know however that the sense of humour by pass brigade, the people who are so far up their own arses they will not see the light until someone cuts their throat, have not just hijacked the arts as well as the sciences in British Universities, they are busy over the Channel teaching fuckwittery to French student as well.

A bunch of French academics have just revealed (after spending hundreds on man person years and millions of Euros on research do doubt, that there is no historical truth in the stories of Asterix the Gaul (pictured below).

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Never mind that it’s an effing comic strip for a minute. These academics take themselves very sereiously and so should we, after all we’re in the EU and it’s our tax money they’re eating.

The research went down to extraordinary levels of detail, even revealing the favourite food of Asterix and his fellow Gauls, roast wild boar, was not on the Gaulish menu.

But hang on a minute. Roman and early medieval documents show wild boar were plentiful in France and in those days, it not being possible to order a pizza for delivery, pop down to Marks and Spencers for a microwaveable fricassse of ragout or something or simply add boiling water to a pot noodle, are these boneheades professors seriously asking us to believe the Gauls did not hunt wild boar and cook them over open fires?

Fuck me, they’ll be telling us Cinderella is just a fairy story next.

full story

We are too gobsmacked to comment so the last word goes to Asterix himself who has a message for those tax eating academics.

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Bread And Circuses TV (more reality from the celebrity jungle)

Boggart Blog has said it before (we probably haven’t but who remembers every word we have ever published?) but the march of civilisation has definitely gone into reverse. Nowhere is this more apparent than in the field of low budget “reality” television or Bread and Circuses TV as it is known in the office here. B&CTV, so called in memory of the Roman blogger Juvenal who said bread and circuses were the only concerns of a decadent population in a decaying empire.

The phrase was credited to Emperor Antonius Blairus who allegedly said on being told the people ere revolting replied “Well give then bread and circuses.” Juvenal however was not as reliable a source as Boggart Blog and might have made it up. It is noteworthy though that Blairus did not say “Give them wine and circuses, at least he learned the lesson of the twenty – four hour drinking debacle and did nothing further to encourage binge drinking.

We cannot comment on the bread that was provided except to say it was probably not at all like a Sainsbury’s white sliced. Roman circuses however are documented in goreious detail and what a spectacle they must have been. Not of your pratting about with jugglers and acrobats, the major attractions were almost as frightening as modern clowns.

There were fights to the death featuring hamstringing, amputations, disembowelling and beheading, there were lions and tigers fighting Christians, bears and bulls fighting pagans, lions and tigers fighting bears and bulls, pagans fighting each other (top of the bill that one.) and for the grand finale, lions, tigers, bears, bulls and pagans all fighting each other in a cage filled with the squelchy bits of disembowelled Christians.

At any time during the fights anyone (including audience members) who did not like fighting (this meant Christians) could shout “I’m a Christian, disembowel me honourably,” and they would be rescued from the arena and taken away to be crucified and disembowelled for the amusement of people who could not afford the two sesterces entrance fee.

Another Roman entertainment that has inspired at modern ritual humiliation reality TV show was Gladiatr – X Factor in which novice Gladiators would fight for their lives, a gladius of their own and a contract to disembowel anyone who displeased the Emperor. Each week the surviving Gladiators would face a public vote and the one who had least support would be led to the dias and disembowelled in front of the Imperial box. The most popular part of Gladiatr – X Factor were the first auditions. At this stage the audience could laugh at the efforts of complete imbeciles with dodgy haircuts to handle swords, spears, tridents and nets or long poles with nails in the end. The best thing about these clownish performances was that some of the applicants “wanted it so much” they would continue fighting with almost severed arms, legs or heads flopping about and body organs spilling from ineptly inflicted disembowelling moves. The Romans really knew how to enjoy themselves.

Reality Television with its cruelty and ritual humiliation is just a high tech version of Roman circuses. The sight of Katy Price having liquid shit poured over her, drinking lizard smoothies, eating worms, beetles, eyeballs and a Kangaroo’s dick appeals to exactly the base instincts as a disembowelling or the entertainment spectacle where they tied a criminal’s right hand and foot to one chariot and left hand and foot to another, hitched up a team of stallions to each and then banged the horses bollocks between two bricks so that the crim was torn in half as the horses set off at full gallop. Hasn’t Richard Hammond already done something like that on Top Gear though?

How much lower can the lowest common denominator , you might well ask…

A lot lower, trust us.

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Sarko Wants To Emulate The Stink That Was Rome.

All politicians lose the plot eventually with the exceptions perhaps of Tony Blair, Margaret Thatcher and Barack (I’m President of the whole Universe and everything else besides) Obama all of whom were barking mad on assuming office.

Some are born bonkers, some achieve bonkersness and some have bonkersness thrust upon them as Shakespeare might have said. Though still clinically sane we are assured, French President Nicolas Sarkozy seems to be getting close to the edge comparatively early in his presidency. He has revealed that he want his legacy to be the transformation of the Paris city centre into an ecotropolis. To do this he will guide the biggest modernisation since baron Haussmann laid out the wide avenues and boulevards familiar to all visitors. Sarko says his ambition is to create a city on the lines of Athens, Rome or Jerusalem.

Perhaps he is visually impaired if he has not noticed these are all slummy shit holes dotted with photogenic ruins. Their ancient glories are as much mythical as historic. In fact in the case of The Glory That Was Rome, it was a mythical shit hole too which is who the palaces of the elite on the Palatine Hill were surrounded by high walls and protected by heavily armed barbarian bastards. Athens and Jerusalem were little different. Philosophy, art and scholarship may have flourished but civic engineering still had a long way to go.

Even Rome’s famous sewers left a lot to be desired. The rich lived at the top of their hills, the sewage system relied on gravity and flowed downwards to empty into the River Tiber. The Tiber was an open sewer that ran through the city. The poorer you were the lower down you lived, the lower down you lived the more shit flowed past your door. Riverside properties were not desirable especially in summer.

Sarko’s plan to turn the centre of Paris into a fragrant oasis in the centre of an urban wilderness faces one big problem not dissimilar to Rome’s. Anyone who has stayed in the city through “high” summer will know fragrant is not quite the right word. Paris has an odour problem.

When M. Sarkozy says he wants the city to be like Rome he should be careful what he wishes for.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog.

THE DAILY STIRRER

Latest archive selection now online: Boggart Blog Select vol 5

and don’t forget all the other Greenteeth Multi Media pages…
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Can We Break It? Yes We Can!

Don’t you just love builders? They’re so reliable. This happy breed of wolf – whistling, sexist remark shouting, bum–crack revealing blokey-blokes are 100% predictable in their hamfisted incompetence all over the world.
Their latest victim is Rome’s tourist industry. The ancient and beautiful fountains that grace the eternal city, fed by 2000 year old aqueducts that brink water from the hills are one of Rome’s most popular attractions.
But not this year. Builders putting up a garage in the suburbs have put a JCB bucket through one of the buried culverts, damming it with debris. The world famous Trevi fountains and other water reliant features have dried up.
A spokesman for the City authority said, “the culverts are clearly marked on plans.”
Altogether now, “Roberto the Builder – can we bust it YES WE CAN!