Technology is taking all the fun out of life.

Those killjoys at Volvo deserve to fail their MoT Road Worthiness test for this.

The safety conscious Swedish car makers have unveiled revolutionary technology that automatically applies the brakes on a car when a cyclist swerves in front of the vehicle’s path.

This ins entirely wrong. Cyclists are the most unsafe, irresponsible bastards on the road. You’re in your car surrounded by a ton on metal, they have only one of those silly helmets that make them look like a penguin with its head on backwards and they think they have a right to cut you up.

What we need to make the roads safer is a car that will not let us brake when a cyclist cuts us up. Every cyclist removed from the equation is a boost for road safety.

RELATED POSTS:
Has the second technology bubble burst

Elsewhere: [Boggart Blog]…[Little Nicky Machiavelli]… [ Ian’s Authorsden Pages ]… [Scribd]…[Wikinut] … [ Boggart Abroad] … [ Grenteeth Bites ] … Ian Thorpe at Flickr ] … [ Tumblr ] … [Ian at Minds ] … [ The Original Boggart Blog] … [ Authorsden blog ]

Merry Elf and Safety Christmas

Here’s a Christmas treat for all health and safety officers. Knowing how you fun loving people love high jinks, jolly japes and dangerous sports, sit yourselves down with a traditional mince pie (made with beef suet) a glass of Theakstons Old Peculiar and a big fat cigar and ease yuourselves into the Christmas Spirit by watching the harmless fun of the Ottery st. Mary Tar Barrel Festival.

You must admit, down in Devon they know how to throw a party – not to mention a flaming tar barrel.

The Most Stupid Ad Campaign Eve, Probably

I went out for a walk today in the cold, cold snow.
Up through the woods, across into the Fall, then out into the next village and along the road for a short while before picking up a spur of the Trans Pennine Trail to take me back home.

It was lovely, just enough snow to be pleasant without making it hard work, not too many people about and obviously very few vehicles on the road.

But I did pass one vehicle, a bus.

And on the side of the bus was a poster of a fish in a beer glass.
It was a tropical fish, the glamour models of the submarine world, there’s not much sexy about a cod or a monkfish, but get a little Angel fish showing off her ginormous fins, wey hey.

But this was a boy fish, he was still good looking, probably would love to do Dolce and Gabbana underwear if he had something to enhance with a pair of balled up socks. Boy fish are pretty much like girl fish in that department.

I know he was a boy because of the caption on the poster.

It said,

“HE DRINKS ALL DAY BUT HE WOULD NEVER DREAM OF DRIVING.”

Well of course he would never dream of driving, he’s a fish for heaven’s sake.
Fish don’t drive, their flns wouldn’t be able to turn the steering wheel.
They don’t have any legs, let alone feet to work the pedals and they wouldn’t be able to see where they were going.

And of course, despite what Ian Flemming and the makers of all the Bond movies might wish, there is still not an effective submersible car.

You don’t see fish standing outside car showrooms drooling over the latest Porsche or Ferrari.

They don’t go home to the Missus and make conversation about how they just bumped into Halli Butt and he was telling him all about his new Ford Focus, 48 to the gallon, group 2 insurance and they gave him £2000 against that old banger he’s been driving for years.

Fish don’t drive cars because they haven’t got any roads. They just swim about wherever they want to go, and if it gets busy, well there’s loads of space in the oceans.

And of course salt water, or fresh water, doesn’t impair anyones senses, as far as I am aware.

I could drink water all day and as long as I didn’t muck up my metabolism by having too much water in my body I’d be perfectly fine to drive.

I’d also be perfectly fine to swim, just like the fish.

However if I’d had eleventeen pints of Guinness I would be fine to do neither, the alcohol would affect my co-ordination, and my sense of balance. It would cause me to lose my body heat quicker, my reaction times would be slower and my vision would be impaired. It could possibly lead to me losing control of my car or losing control of my brain, both instances resulting in possible injury or even death, either on the road or in the swimming pool.

I don’t know if anyone has ever conducted any experiments on fish to assess the effect of alcohol on their swimming abilities, but I bet they don’t do so well under the influence.
They’d probably bump into rocks, or passing ships.
They’d lose control of their float bladders and end up sitting sadly on the ocean floor bemoaning the fact that they can never make a go of it with an Angel fish, or floating on the top, trying to steal the shipping lane marker buoys or something like that.

No, all told I reckon this advertising campaign is a right load of codswallop.

The most stupid Ad campaign ever, probably.

Coalition To Restore Freedom To Be Stupid?

Great news from the Coalition Government, they are going to restore the right of crazy people to risk their lives in loony sports, games and traditions.

Under Labour’s Politically Correct Thought Police we lost such great traditions as the annual cheese rolling event in which a cheese is rolled down a very steep hill and dozens of clinically sane people chase it, we lost the annual race in which nutters run through the streets of Ottery St. Mary with burning barrels of straw on their backs, we saw an attempt to ban dwile flonking and schoolchildren were prevented from playing conkers.

The excuse for all that control freakery was health and safety. People must be protected from risk said the bureaucrats prompting some people to ask when Labour’s political philosophy had been extended to include Hilaire Belloc’s advice “Always cling to nurse for fear of something worse.”

Surely only children of elitists have nurses so Labour politicians would never exper … oh, sorry. Labour are the elitists these days aren’t they.

Well for those who left nursey the something worse was the Labour government that refused even when we were grown up to let us make our own informed choices about having fun doing mildly dangerous, pointlessly stupid things.

Let’s face it, we’re talking about people old enough to know better here so if they want to risk their lives being stupid it’s up to them.

Or perhaps Nanny was thinking about how many gender reassignments the NHS could do with the money they spent on treating cuts, bruises and minor burns.

RELATED POSTS:
Not Qualified To Press A Button
The Greenteeth Labyrinth
The Daily Stirrer

Open Season On Cyclists

Best news from the coalition government so far is the announcement that speed cameras are to be scrapped.

“Why is this good news?” road safety fans will ask, “does Boggart Blog approve of the carnage on our roads?”

Well, if there was carnage on our roads we wouldn’t but British roads are the safest in Europe. Speed kills, the road safety whiners will whine, doing what people who claim they are logical and scientific always do and resorting to emotive and sentimental hand wringing when someone points out their statistics are made up. The truth is bad driving kills. Keep handing out driving licences to semi literate morons and people will continue to die. But what is responsible for more deaths on the road than bad driving is stupidity.

Speed does not kill. I have only had two accidents in a forty year driving career. My car was standing still and the cars that hit me were travelling well below the speed limit in each. I only remember fatsally having one accident serious enough to warrant an insurance claim and her car was stationary at the time. Statistical proof then that the slower you are going the more danger you are in.

What wound me up about this is an article on The Guardian website today by environmentalist George Monbiot, one of those cyclists who pedals around wearing a stupid helmet that make him look like a penguin that got stuck in reverse. George does not like speed which is OK because he lives in rural Wales where there is nowhere to go and fuck all to do when you get there.

Now I usually like George even when I disagree with him. He’s a stylish writer and presents his arguments well. Except when he starts going on about how unsafe cars are. Because cars are not unsafe, it’s all the other shit they let on the roads that is not safe.

Cyclists are not safe, they put on their reverse penguin helmets oblivious to the fact these items are fitted with an electronic chip that overrides their brain signals, switches off their self preservation instinct and makes them think they can carve up Range Rovers, White Vans and everything else and be safe because when a pedestrian or cyclist gets hurt it is always the car driver’s fault.

WRONG! The car drier may get a fine or a ban or a community service order but that is not going to restore the life of some imbecile who thought his moral superiority and love of the planet immunised him against the effects of being hit by a ton and a half of metal travelling at twenty five miles an hour.

And pedestrians, they are a bigger hazard to other road users than any car, even a souped up hot hatch driven by an underage joy rider. Why? Because pedestrians are imbeciles, that’s why. They are too stupid to be allowed anywhere near roads. If they had even minimal intelligence they would be driving cars.

Skateboarders. Who let them out on roads with no brakes or steeting controls? They should be locked up in padded cells with their skateboarders rammed up their arses. There’s a park in Accrington where if the skateboarders set off from the top end just as traffic lights change a few hundred yards away on the main road a string of them will explode from the park gates and shoot across the road just before the first car gets there. Unless of course the first car is a souped up hot hatch driven by an underage joyrider.

Not long ago the excellent Anna Raccoon featured a video some New Zealand suicide skateboarders (video and article) had made of themselves skateboarding down the motorway, swooping in and out of streams of traffic and acting like arseholes skateboarders. It was going viral on the web at the time so you can bet its only a matter of time before our arrested adolescent knobhead army are having a go. And whose fault will it be when one of the silly little fuckers gets mashed. The car driver’s of course.

George Monbiot cites the safety of children in his hand wringing whine against people who have lives to get on with. They always bring children into it, these people who claim they are so logical, so rational, so scientific.

They want science. OK, Darwinian evolution. We used to teach our kids road safety, the Green Gross Code Man, Darth Vader before he went over to the dark side, would remind kids to look both ways and make sure the road was clear and it was safe to cross. Politically Correct Thinking put a stop to than. Teaching kids to cross roads safely imposed the repressive rules of bourgeois society on the little darlings preventing their ability to express their creativity from developing freely. And anyway the Green Cross Code man looked like a paedophile.

Let’s put light controlled crossings everywhere, said the handwringers, and get drivers well wound up because kids press the button and then run off and traffic has to stop at the red light even though there is nobody waiting to cross.

Where there is no light to help them cross safely of course kids just run out into the road because nobody taught them any diffrent. So to protect the little darlings from their own stupidity we get speed limits an old lady on a mobility scooter would be in danger of breaking, exhaust wrecking bumps everywhere and kids who think nothing can ever harm them. Suddenly survival of the fittest does not work any more because the handwringers are protecting all the little arseholes who we really do not want contributing to the gene pool

Still, in the eyes of the politically correct thought police the only thing children need to know about road safety is, “If you get mashed it is always the car driver’s fault.”

If we are serious about road safety here’s what we need to do. Raise speed limits because I have proved the slower you go the more at risk you are, ban cyclists, pedestrians and people who obey speed limits because anyone who cannot think for themself should not be driving, abolish children, kill all skateboarders; not because I hate them or they are evil or dangerous people but because it’s to only humane thing to do.

George Monbiot – Evidence Of The War Involving Motorists

Attention. Prostitutes Are A Road Safety Hazard

prostitue_1609042g

A new road sign in Italy that appears to be warning drivers on a road near the city of Treviso they are approaching a prostitute related traffic hazard is confusing motorists. Is the sign advertizing the availability of prostitutes or warning mororists that scantily clad women are likely to jump into the road in front of them?

Boggart Blog asked our Italian correspondent to investigate and he learned the signs only appear close to houses use by Italian President Don Vito Berlusconi.

Rescue At Sea Is A Risky Business

The RNLI is the latest victim of the Health and Safety Executive which is insisting on copious amounts of paperwork being completed before the brave lads are allowed to launch their boats in response to distress calls. They have even been told that they need to do a vehicle check on their lifeboats and a risk assessment for the upcoming task.

Picture the scene if you will.

It is a dark and stormy night (thanks for the opening Snoopy). The wind howls, the rain slices through the darkness, waves crash around the base of the lighthouse.

In the living quarters young Grace Darling is in her bedroom, looking out as the storm rages around her eyrie.

Staring into the blackness, she waits for the lantern to turn, opening up the night as it makes its stately rotation.

In the wedge of light Grace discerns a shape in stark relief against the raging sea.

A ship has run aground on the dangerous rocks of Big Horcor.
She alerts her father, the lighthouse keeper. It is a serious business. There will have to be an enquiry. The Darlings need to show that the lighthouse was working and that the ship ran aground as it was driven towards the rocks by the force of the storm. They quickly locate the Serious Incident Forms and huddle together around the huricane lamp to start the lenghty process of satisfying the Health and Safety Executive.

Two hours later the task is complete. Grace returns to her room and is shocked to note that there are now lights on the reef. There must be survivors!

She calls for her father and together pull on their safety equipment, hi-vis jackets, safety harness, buoyancy aids, safety helmets, before struggling up the narrow winding staircase to the lantern’s platform.

Bracing themselves against the raging gale they peer into the darkness. Yes! there are lights on the rocks, there must be survivors!

What to do? The lifeboats stationed down the coast will probably not be able to launch!

Only one thing for it, they rush, as best they can in their bulky safety wear, downstairs.

“We need to find the risk assessment forms. I’ll fill those in whilst you do a vehicle check on our cobble boat. Make sure it is sea-worthy.” instructs her father.

Gace hurries down to the boathouse at the bottom of the lighthouse. She checks that the bung is securely in place, that the oars are in the boat, that the rudder is still attached.

She begins to shove and push the cobble boat out onto the shingle, even though she knows full well she should wait for her father, they have been informed in an 82 page document about the necessity for two people, or more, to move heavy objects.

Finally her father comes downstairs, “Best put the boat back lassie.” he tells her. “We cannot go out to the rescue, it is just too dangerous. By the time we get there, the survivors will probably have succumbed to hypothermia, and we may find ourselves and our little boat dashed to pieces on the rocks. Even if we made it and founsd survivors my job would probably be lost for breaking all these rules. No best to pretend we never saw anything. Come on now, let’s push this boat back into the boathouse. One two heave, heave…”

More Health And Safety Madness
Happy Health And Safety halloween

Heath and Safety Warning – Trees Can Damage Your Health

The Gift for The Woman Who Has Nearly Everything

A plush toy In the shape of a uterus has been withdrawn from sale as it failed to meet safety standards.
Although the toy is intended for adults it was found that if you pulled on the fallopian tubes the ovary could become detached, which presented a potential choking hazard for children under the age of three.
You will be pleased to know that all the other plush toys available from iheartguts.com have been passed as safe.
Just makes you wonder who buys this sort of thing.

The Dangerous Crimpers Of Norwich

As a follow up to the previous post in which fatsally was gobsmacked by the mindset of health and Safety stormtroopers who see danger lurking in everything (except authoritarianism) we bring you news of the Crimpers Of Norwich who had developed a nice little Christmas tradition of offering customers mulled wine during the holiday season.

Obviously the Health and Safety Nazis were not going to stand for that, there was too much risk of people enjoying themselves. “STOOOOOOOOP” cried the ubergruppenfuhrer of Norwich City Counci’l Health and Saftey Stormtroopers, “Can you not see the risk of terrible injury being caused if people spill this scalding hot beverage on themselves.”

The Health and Safety executive deny that they are anti-fun but the fact they have not banned The Crimpers of Norwich from serving tea and coffee but only wine exposes the bureaucrats as liars.

And come to that, if they were in any way consistent they would, would they not, ban hairdressing. Think of the risks involved in letting somebody with scissors in their hand loose near your face.

More humour every day from Boggart Blog