Sat Nav plus Stupid Human equals Fail: Taxi driver rescued after driving into canal when his sat nav told him ‘turn left’

Taxi is hauled out of the Bridgewater canal Picture: Reach via Yahoo News

Police reported a Taxi driver had a “lucky escape” after obeying a Sat Nav direction led him to drive into a canal in Eccles, Greater Manchester.

The “embarrassed” motorist made a left turn off Bridgewater Way and straight into Bridgewater Cannal in on Sunday evening, officers said. Manchester Police Traffic division posted a picture online of the vehicle lying in the water following the incident.

A spokesman for the force said: “This taxi was rescued by RPU west A-relief in Eccles after the driver followed his sat nav straight into the Bridgewater Canal.

Replying to the post, one person wrote: “I hope they were reported to the council as well as having to re-sit a driving test. That’s just shocking.”

Another added: “Should have his taxi license and car license revoked, could have been a different outcome.”

As I know the road and the area I’m aware that anybody who placed the evidence of their own eyes above that of a machine could not possibly have done this. Therefore the real question, given the number of similar incidents we have reported in the past, it what has technology done to our brains when so many people will put blind faith in technology and ignore their own observations and common sense.

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Take one footballer, add one sat nav and stir in one Porsche.

The result is all to predictable.
In the past we have gleefully reported the disasters that occur when a person brainwashed with the idea that science is divine and technology infallible cedes responsibility to a sat nav system. The classic case was Sat Nav Suzy From The Isle Of Skye who set out from Scotland for the ferry port at Hull on the east coast and ended up in a sheep pasture in west Wales.

“Didn’t you see the funny place names on signposts and think something was wrong?” we asked her.

“Yes but the sat nav said keep going that way,” she replied. Sat Nav Suzie’s story makes today’s news report all the more believable.

Footballers are not noted for being at the front of the queue when brains were handed out though it is unfair to dismiss them all as stupid, they are not all Super Mario Balotelli. On the other hand Balotelli is not the only total dickhead to have disgraced the Premiership in recent years.

It would be off topic to mention Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney’s wold adventures in oral sex with a granny prostitue (fourth paragraph from end of this report)because it is quite normal for young men to get their face into a Nan* after a few beers on a Friday night – but I mention it anyway because it’s a good line and now Balotelli has returned to Italy we need to identify a few contenders for the “craziest footballer title.

One must surely be Liverpool’s Andre Wisdom whose slavish deference to technology and his sat navs judgement shows he has a long way to go to live up to his name. And as long as he relies on his sat nav rather than his eyes, ears and common sense he is not going to progress far.

The Premier League defender had to abandon his £100,000 Porsche no a muddy dirt track after his sat nav system took him off road.

Wisdom, the England U21 captain, followed the robotic voice as it directed him into a forest park last Friday night. him walking three miles to a main road after his car ended up getting stuck in the mud.

He is currently on loan at Derby County and was on his way to their home game with Sheffield Wednesday at the weekend when the incident occurred.

A Derby County spokesman said: “Andre visited a local shop on the way to Saturday’s game against Sheffield Wednesday and, being new and unfamiliar to the area, he programmed the stadium’s postcode into his Sat Nav.

He added: “The route provided took him down a less than traditional road, where conditions were also poor, and ultimately his car got stuck.”

When we remember he had three miles to walk back to the main road you might well ask why the fuck did his own common sense not alert him to the fact that something wasn’t right. I mean, how thick do you have to be to get in this deep …

porsche-sat-navved
Lost in the woods

… before you notice the surroundings don’t look like inner city Sheffield.

The abandoned Porsche Panamera Turbo, worth £100,000, was found by local mountain biker Pete Irons who informed the police. Irons told reporters he was shocked to think a sports car had got so far in conditions that would have challenged a Land Rover.

He said: “To get to that point he would have to have come through an equally muddy section. It was miles from the road, I have no idea what he was thinking to keep going so far.

Well thinking is probably not the right word, after all he is a footballer.

We predict the chant that will be echoing around stadiums where Wisdom is playing for the est of this season might go something like this:

Andre Wisdom, Andre Wisdom,
Andre Wisdom where’s your Porsche.

*for non British readers, a naan is a flatbread originally from the Indian subcontinent, often eaten with curry fter a lads night out. Nan is slang for Grandmother.

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The Wogs Start At Dover

In less politically correct times it was permissible to say of someone who’s attitude to all things foreign “he thinks the wogs start at Calais.”

Not only was there a grain of truth in it, it seems thirty years of political correctness has only made matters worse. Nowadays the wogs start at Dover. Or so mobile phones companies believe.

Telecoms firms are charging users of a beach that nestles under the famous White Cliffs in Kent as if they were the other side of the Channel.

Residents of the village of St Margaret’s-at-Cliffe have to turn off their mobiles to avoid being hit with international roaming charges when they walk along the beach.

Locals and tourists alike say they cannot walk along the iconic cliffs without being sent a message saying ‘Welcome to France’ and providing a list of hiked charges.

These start at 28 pence to make a call, 7.9 pence to receive one and 8.9 pence to send a text, up to four times the price of a normal English network.

It may of course simply turn out to be another triumph for the GPS technology that runs Sat Nav systems.

Sat Nav all at sea?

As stories continue to come into the Boggart Blog news desk about Sat Nav misdirecting users we wonder how serious the problem is.

The story filling the newspapers and televison news today is of course of the Italian cruise ship that ran aground in calm clear weather and capsised with no British lives lost (which is nice).

Marine safety experts and opportunistic journalists are now asking how could this dister happen on a modern ship with all the latest high tech navigation aids.

Boggart Blog knows the answer of course. They were using Sat Nav.

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MoD Sat Nav Guides Missiles To Wrong Target

Red faces all round at the Ministry of Defence after service chiefs were forced to admit one of their airstrikes against Colonel Gaddafi’s regime in Libya had hit the wrong target.

Serves them right for relying on Sat Nav rather than teaching aircrew to navigate.

But it does give us another opportunity to show you the saga of

Sat Nav Suzi,

a friend of our occasional blogger Cleo Hart, who followed her Sat Nav’s directions for Hull and ended up somewhere very different.

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SAS – Satnav Antipathic Soldiers and The Misadventures Of Suzie

SAS – Satnav Antipathic Soldiers and The Misadventures Of Suzie From The Isle Of Skye (some strong language)

This is a trueish but highly embellished version of something that happened to one of Cleo Hart’s friends. Cleo is travelling at the moment.

As all our regular readers know we Boggart Bloggers are great fans of all whacky and totally unnecessary technologies and Sat Nav systems especially. Sat Nav seems to lead the field in providing an expensive, complicated, extremely fallible and irritating way of performing a function that should be simple and free. If you want to drive from London to Leeds and don’t mind going via Bristol, Aberystwith, Preston Gubbals, Carlisle, Burton on Trent and Wigan or being rescued from mountain torrents, bogs, feral chavs in Blackbird Leys or a snowdrift outside Kiruna and having to face the ridicule of your friends down the pub trust your Sat Nav. If however you just want to get from London to Leeds without much fuss simply drive round the M25 until you see signs for M1, Watford, The North. Follow them and keep following signs for The North. Ignore your Sat Nav’ yelling that you should take the next exit. It will only lead you eventually to the A666, the road to hell. Actually the A666 runs from Bolton to Blackburn so for most people is probably the road to somewhere worse than Hell. Leeds is at the other end of the M1 from London. Just stay on the M1. Easy peasy.

So why do we cruel, sarcastic bastards love Sat Nav?

Because of the blind faith that people who buy one have in their system and the way that when things have gone so badly wrong blind faith is no longer enough the childlike trust they show that their parent – surrogate gadget will somehow make things alright.

At this time of year our esteemed colleague Cleo Hart and numerous others set off for The Alps to work in ski resorts throughout the season. Most make the long and arduous trek via London and the M25 (gridlocked 24 / 7 because of sat nav users driving at 5mph while scratching their heads and saying “This doesn’t look much like the Lake District) to Dover for the short, unpleasant crossing on the regular cattle ship to Calais.

Cleo however, tipped off by her dear old Dad who knows about these things, heads from Lancashire across to Hull (just get on the M62 and head east (the opposite way to Liverpool) until you come to the North Sea Ferries terminal or drive into the water off Spurn Head. Even easier than peasy.

Several of the others now use the northern crossing, its an easier drive in the UK, a more comfortable crossing with a good meal, a pleasant evening and a good night’s sleep on the ferry and a better route across France. So last year another girl from northern parts, let’s call her Suzie from the Isle of Skye thought it would be a good move for her too. Western Scotland to Hull sounded easy. At the time Suzie was seeing a soldier, a member of and elite regiment (we are a bit sceptical about the veracity of this claim, members of this elite regiment as well as being trained to jump out of planes, navigate by the sun and stars, live on a diet of worms, beetles and dandelion leaves and light fires by rubbing two boy scouts together are trained to read maps.

Suzie’s soldier friend approved on her idea and volunteered to programme the sat nav for her. Great, who could be better equipped to program map references into a sat nav than a man trained to find his way round barren, featureless deserts and tundras? Surely Suzie could not go wrong if she just relied on her sat nav.

Suzie missed Hull, in fact she ended up in Wales Not just the civilised bit of Wales that joins on to Cheshire or the Wales, populated by Gavin and Stacy, Charlotte Church and the only gay in the village but Welsh wales where it is a crime to speak English and those things that look like basketwork garden ornaments can be assembled in a matter of minutes into a wicker man. A combination of blind faith, childlike trust in the parenting skills of inanimate machines and her boyfriend’s ignorance of maps and references, the cardinal points of the compass, left and right and the difference between his arse and his elbow led to her turning right instead of left and driving past all the signs printed with red dragons and pointing to towns with names like Llanfairpwyllgwillgynn-bibble-yibble-yibble-yibble-llantisiliogochgochgoch give or take the odd goch without realising she had a problem. Maybe it was because the signs were printed in two languages, Welsh and Ogham (the secret language of The Druids)

Now in our house we think we have an idea how this might have happened. You see we know a young person who some years ago was headed from Lancashire to Sheffield and phoned home in a panic to say. “Help, I think I’ve taken a wrong turning and ended up in Wales, I’ve just passed a sign for Pontefract . Maybe the sat nav logic had made a similar mistake and interpreted “continue past signs for Pontefract” as “follow the shortest route to Pontypridd”. We shall never know however.

The problem for our lovely lass Suzie from the Isle of Skye was not so subtle. She was still following her sat nav’s orders and desperately trying to convince herself the device was taking her via a shortcut to Holyhead which must be near Hull as they both start with H. For Suzie, even though the blacktop road had become a muddy track several miles ago blind faith had been replaced by childlike trust in the machine. When the muddy track became a verdant Welsh hillside even childlike trust gave out. Suzie stopped and got out of the car only to be confronted by a Welsh farmer who spoke in Welsh, not saying “Iached Da (pron. Yakki da) young lady, do you need any help” but something she guessed from the way he was pointing a shotgun sat her meant “GET ORF MOI LAAAAAAAAAND”.

Suzie did get to France eventually after spending several weeks in a clinic where she was given post traumatic stress therapy.

From this shocking sat nav story of betrayal we learn several things:

(1) When driving from West Scotland to Hull it is a good idea to turn left somewhere no matter what the sat nav is telling you.

(2) Sat nav is useless, whatever it tells you, do the opposite.

(3) We are not going to win the Afghan war for the simple reason that when our elite soldiers’ were sent to flush the Taliban out of the Hindu Kush their map reading skills caused them to end up running round Patagonia.

(4) Never listen to the kind of techieheads, webbyheads, sciencyheads and other pointyheads who try to tell you machines are smarter than we are. Machines are unthnking automatons and people who think they will ever be intelligent are cunts.

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ASDA Sat Nav Can’t See The Wood For The Trees

We love Sat Nav disaster stories at Boggart Blog so when we found a report of an ASDA delivery van driver showing a level of blind faith in science and technology that would do credit to any follower of a fanatical religious sect it was a must for our readers.

The unnamed driver , determined that he would obey, obey, obey the diktat of his Sat Nav steered his six foot wide van off road onto a public bridleway and ploughed on a considerable distance down the lane even though it is clearly only wide enough for walkers, cyclists and horses. We wonder if he would have stopped had his van not become wedged under overhanging branches.

Follow this link to see pictures of the ASDA van lost in the woods and read the full story.

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Bob Dylan to be voice of Sat Nav.

News that Bob Dylan is to become a voive of Sat Nav intrigued many people. Boggart Blog brings you an exclusive preview of Dylans Sat Nav recordings.

There ain’t no use in sitting wonering where babe,
should you go left or right
Yeah there ain’t no use in sitting wondering which way
will get you home tonight.
If you go left it could be a dead end
right, you don’t know ~ what’s around the bend,
you’ll just have to go with your best guess in the end
Don’t think twice, just turn right.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Are we nearly there yet?

So, summer is here and people are setting off on holiday to see new places, experience new cultures, or just catch a bit of sun (that yellowy-orange – or sometimes brown, depending on where you live – thing that sets in the sky about 4pm in December…remember it?)

When I was little, we used to go to South Wales, which is a long, vomit inducing drive to a car-sick 7 year old. Later we used to drive to France for camping trips. On all occasions involving long drives, there was a map present. Maps were all we had in them days, you see. I don’t recall us ever getting stupidly lost. I’m a firm believer in maps to this day. I refuse to get a satnav/GPS system, and not just because it would probably cost more than my car is worth.

This week, a Swedish couple holidaying in Italy set out for the isle of Capri, but spelt it wrong and ended up in northern industrial town Carpi. Now, spelling errors are an easy mistake to make and I doubt there is a spell checker. But they didn’t realise their error until they went to the tourist office in Carpi and asked where they could find the famous Blue Grotto. Being that they were 400 miles away, the bloke behind the desk must have thought the Italian equivalent of Jermemy Beadle was about to jump out. A tourism official has been quoted as saying “Capri is an island. They did not even wonder why they did not cross a bridge or take a boat”. My point exactly.

I have countless friends and colleagues (and I hate to say it, but most of them are women) with sat nav who have had similar incidents. There are often two towns with the same name in France. The driver input the destination and set off, ending up 6 hours away from the place she wanted to be, and having to sleep in the car. Another set out up a closed (with clear signage) mountain pass in the Alps in winter because her sat nav told her to. It was a miracle they didn’t slip off a cliff edge. She was with her boyfriend (who was a dick) and neither of them thought about checking the directions they had been given until it was nearly too late. Several others have similar stories, and yet none of them have even considered buying a map as a back up.

“Well, I don’t need a map, ’cause I’ve got sat nav and that tells me where to go”. Bollocks. If that was the case, you wouldn’t have had to sleep in your car/drive around Granada for 7 hours and come out going in the wrong direction/go via Paris on your way from Exeter to Newcastle/get your car wedged between two concrete cows on a farm track in Milton Keynes.

I’m not suggesting that everyone using sat nav is clueless, but it seems a fair proportion of users lack a common sense gland.

Also, the voice of the sat nav woman is so annoying; if you do realise she is wrong and continue the way you should go, she almost starts shouting at you, as if you were a small child. She actually reminds me of one of my Catholic primary school teachers. If I was to own one it would only last about ten minutes into the first journey before I fell into a Clarkson-esque rant and chucked it through the window.

If you must use sat nav, always carry a map as backup, and look at it before you set off.

MORE HILARIOUS SAT NAV STORIES:
Puffin up The Power Of Sat Nav Technology

Sat Nav Blunders I suppose you could even call it Sat Nav Schadenfreude. What kind of person takes pleasure in hearing of the Sat Nav misfortunes of others. Well, the kind this blogger is obviously.

Strange Sat Nav facts Do you know how many drivers try to murder their Sat Nav?

Death By Sat Nav Has anyone been directed into a fatal situation by Sat Nav or do they just nag drivers to death

More Humour Every Day At Boggart Blog

THE DAILY STIRRER
and don’t forget all the other Greenteeth Multi Media pages…
Greenteeth Multi Media
bogboggart
Greenteeth Comedy Pages
A Tale Told By An Idiot
Ian at Authorsden