Je Suis Saussice (defending your freedom to eat sausages)

sausages an abomination
Sausages: I have eaten some abominable ones in motorway services but are they an abomination to God?

Does that headline mean Boggart Blogger are owning up to being a dish of sausages, you might well ask.

The anser of coursse is “No”. Just as we showed solidarity with the publishers of Charlie Hebdo magazine after twelve staff were murdered by religious extremists and defended the right of citizens in democratic nations to criticize religion by saying “Je Suis Charlie” so we are now making a stand in support of the freedom to eat sausages (which is an abomination to Allah apparently, by saying “Je Suis Saussice”.

Who has been oppressing sausages you might well ask. Well who do you think? Here’s the story:

paraphrased from The Times (a paywalled website unless you know how to get in through the back door
Religious conservatives in Pakistan have been on the case of opposition leader and former cricket player Imran Khan’s latest wife after TV pictures of her cooking and selling pork sausages found their way onto You Tube, the Times reports.

Muslim weather presenter Reham Kahn, a who worked on BBC regional news programme ‘South Today’, was filmed handling a butcher’s pork sausage as part of a package for the programme’s broadcast from the South of England Show in 2011.

Part of the feature filmed at the fair in Ardingly, West Sussex, had Mrs Kahn being coached by sausage making champion David Bell, owner of Bangers Galore in the nearby town of Horsham in the ancient art of frying sausages.

The clip has been circulated and widely viewed in Pakistan, along with clips of her wearing revealing outfits.

But Mr Bell, who was the main subject of the sausage news item and rightly so, champion sausage makers are to be celebrated, spoke out against the controversy saying it was ridiculous.

“She didn’t actually eat any of the sausages” he pointed out. (Apparently proximity is enough.)

Islam strictly forbids the eating and handling of pork under its religious laws and the footage has caused anger among conservatives who say the film shows her handling the meat, and therefore breaking the law.

Full article – paywalled

I hope some pseudo-liberal, crypto-fascist readers whose instinct is to defend this attack by Islamic extremists on our freedom to eat sausages on the grounds that we must promote diversity by showing sensitivity to other cultural traditions will remember exactly what diversity means next time they get the urge to throw a hissy fit over some truly liberal bloggers defent the right of Christians to oppose the latest demand for privileged statius from gays, or the right of pagans to oppose the introduction of Frankenstein foods to Europe.

How to make classic gravadlax (which is also an abomination)

Kentucky Fried Chicken? It’s Nose Pickin’ Good

Kentucky Fried Candle - nose pickin' good

Picture Source: The Examiner

Let’s be honest, many of us love the smell of Kentucky Fried Chicken, don’t deny it, your taste buds start to tingle at the first whiff of that distinctive aroma. Ah but then there are all the calories, trans fats, chemical additives, GM flour in the better and all manner of unhealthy shite that goes hand in hand with that appetizing aroma?

(I have to admit, the smell of Italian cooking turns me on even more but Italian food does at least contain some natural ingredients.)

But how would you like a product that lets you enjoy Kentucky Fried Chicken without the drawbacks. In Terry Pratchett’s novel Small Gods, one of said Gods, Om, thinks sausages are the best sacrifice, the idea of sacrifices being the meat is cooked and the smell goes up to the heavens while the priests eat the cooked remains. When sausages are sacrified, as everyone knows the taste does not match the scent because sausages are made of lips and arseholes, eyeballs, brains, spleens and all the stuff a decent person would not give their dog for its dinner. They always smell better than they taste so for once Om gets the best part of the sacrifice.

Same with Fried Chicken really. The smell is the best part. So what if there was a product that gave you the smell without the shite.

There is now such a product, all you have to do to enjoy the best of fried chicken is light a candle – a fried chicken scented candle. The nose pickin’ fried chicken became available last Friday, just in time for america’s Thanksgiving weekend.

Whit Hiler, co-founder of Kentucky for Kentucky, a company that markets products from the Bluegrass State, says,

“Your home can now smell like fried chicken all the time, without having to actually fry chicken.” Well we can see his point, you will not get fat from surfeiting on Fried Chicken but you might well become anorexic. Who would not throw up at the sight of food after inhaling fried chicken scent for hours on end?

The candles giving off fried chicken scent are made by Kathy Werking, who fries portions of chicken in soy wax and adds some “family secrets” to the mix to get an authentic scent. But Kathy is not a one trick pony or even a one egg chicken. There are three more homegrown aromas — the others are Kentucky Derby (maybe she is a one trick pony), mint julep; and Ale 8, a ginger-citrus flavored soft drink popular in Kentucky.


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The Apprentice (aka Christians and Lions) is back

Yes I know I’m late posting about the new series of The Apprentice, I’ve been busy the past couple of days. Yesterday I was having a great time leaping (well scrambling) over fences, plodging through mud and trying to install myself in an ancient stone coffin. Obviously there was no obesity problem back then, they must have been like stick insects. We were out taking photographs around a Lancashire village and it’s 1000 year old church which was a nice change from blogging.

Anyway back to The Apprentice or The Roman Arena game as it is known in our house.

The usual array of thoroughly obnoxious, selfish, ambitious, back stabbing, talentless and fascinatingly repugnant young people were paraded before us including one who claimed that in spite of his tender years he had once been worth two and a half million pounds but had lost it all when he switched from a successful business to an unsuccessful one.

With a CV like that you have to wonder how he got on the show, it’s called The Apprentice not the seasoned loser. But Dan as he was named was ready to plunge back into the fray and did not even notice the curled lip of Surralan as he listened to the wannabe apprentice presenting his CV.

The Apprentices posed and preened before us like Wardour Street whores in days of yore each hoping the great British public would fall for their schtick. There are the female not-quite-eye-candy-but-think-they-are types, the I-can-sell-snow-to-eskimos loudmouth salesman, they guy who makes it plain he would stab his granny in the back to get on and various knobhead-of-the-year types.

Their first task was to make and sell some sausages.

We half expected Esther Rantzen and talking dog would be wheeled out as the replacement for the now departed Margaret who owned the most wonderfully expressive eyebrow in the world but no, it was Karen Brady. Karen looks a very promising replacement and in her day job as CEO of a Premiership football team is well used to dealing with knobheads.

As the first stage in their task the teams (blokes and girls) had to brand their product. The blokes, most of whom had a GCSE grade D in management bullshit decided eventually on a trendy technobabble name. Synergy Sausages. Ideal is you like your sausages high tech and served with silicon chips. To me it sounded more like something an American motivational speaker would harangue me about that a tasty meat product I’d slather with brown sauce and put on a bap. Still each to their own.

The girls came up with a less memorable but less risible name and a tastier recipe, sold their sausages and made a modest profit. The guys, captained by the ex – two – and – a – half – millionaire did not fare so well. Perhaps it was the captain’s unique method of motivating his team by telling them they were all useless or perhaps it was the sales technique of the one who could sell snow to Eskimos which when applied to sausages consisted of confronting people in the street, putting his face up very close to theirs and yelling, “Buy these effing sausages or I’ll punch your stupid face in.”

Surralan or Lord Shitfa Sugar as we must now call him decided that two lose the game was unfortunate but to lose the game and two and a half million pounds looked like carelessness and sacked Dan

I still think that stupid brand name had a lot to answer for. Who in their right mind would buy Synergy Sausages.

And all the time the perfect brand name was staring the boys in the face. SUGAR’S SILLY SAUSAGES.

Apprentice To Talking Bollocks
Apprentice Idiots

More humour every day at Boggart Blog