It’s Good To Know Some Things Never Change

(Voice over man voice : “It was a time of change, it was a time of uncertainty. It was a time of uncertainty and change.”)

In such uncertain times it is comforting to know that some thing do not change – like adolescent humour.

KSHB.Com News an NBC affiliate in the US state of Missouri today reported one of the most audacious and sophomoronic high school pranks ever. Kaitlyn Booth, 17, a Hickman High school student (Columbia, Mo.) was arrested earlier this month after she changed a classmate’s name in the school yearbook from Raigan Mastain to Raigan Masturbate.

According to the Huffington Post News, no charges have been pressed but the case is under prosecutor review. Booth could still find herself in court for criminal damage and felony charges. Apparently, Mastain wasn’t too disturbed by the prank. She said the stunt was more about immaturity than malice.

The school isn’t taking the prank as lightly as Mastain. Not only did Booth ruin the school’s 100th anniversary yearbook, it would have cost the $41,000 for a full reprint. Unable to afford that, the school had to ask staff to spend a few happy hours sticking stickers over Mastain’s name.

The school managers fear applications for places will be down next year. After all, what kind of parents want their kids to be educated among a bunch of wankers like that.

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Anybody Can Apply, Honest

Over here, in God’s own Ridings, the green and purple of majesty the Pennines set against the grey and drab of the redundant spoil heaps, we are bombarded at this time of year with literature for public schools.

On picking up the CD that came from Queen Ethelburga’s at York I was amused to read that the facilities include an Equestrian centre, the best in Europe apparently and future students can bring their own horse.

So much for opening up to the less well off then!

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Flapjacks Of Mass Destruction

You don’t have to be certified insane to get a job as a teacher, but you are going to need to be cocooned in a bubble of madness if you are to survive in the profession.

A couple of weeks ago we reported paranid schizophrenic staff at a U S junior school called in a SWAT Team when a pupil took into class a child’s plastic water pistol that looked very similar to … a childs plastic water pistol. As if to prove british teacher are as Politically Correc, hysterical and loony as any Americans, staff at a secondary school in Essex have told caterers they can no longer serve triangle shaped flapjacks after one was thrown at a pupil.

According to reports, canteen staff at Castle View School in Canvey Island, Essex, have been told to cut flapjacks into rectangles or squares rather than triangles.

We understand that the ban was introduced after a triangular flapjack was thrown, hitting a boy in the face.

Critics of Politically Correct looniness in Education have pointed out that a square flapjack has more sharp edges than a triangle shaped one. A teachers union official responded, “There are many reasons for banning triangular flapjacks, one is they are more aerodynamic. Everybody whows the spacecraft used by aliens planning to conquer earth are delta shaped. And then of course the triangle is symbolic of the female pubic area so triangular flapjacks are sexist.

Asked why flapjacks were not banned outright because being brown in colour they could be offensive to pupils from ethnic minoriti

Despite this, Essex County Council said the ban was “not a county council decision” but confirmed the incident and the decision on behalf of the school.

A spokesperson for Castle View School, Canvey Island, said: ?I can confirm that the texture and shape of the flapjacks were reviewed following an isolated accident last week.?

This is not the first time flapjacks have been banned for being a risk.

Famously, Education Secretary, Michael Gove, was stopped from taking flapjacks – given to him by his wife – into a cabinet meeting in 2011.

He was detained by security at the time and told the flapjacks were a security risk and would not be allowed in the cabinet room.

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Water Pistols Now A Terror Threat In Paranoid Obamaland

What could be more harmless than a child’s water pistol you might well ask.

The reply, screamed in the hysterical tones of a scared, assault rifle wiElding security guy is “ALMOST ANYTHING!!! A WATER PISTOL IS A WEAPON FAVOURED BY TERRORISTS AND AS SUCH PRESENTS A CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER TO SOCIETY!!! POP TARTS, CUPCAKES, PHOTOGRAPHS OF GUNS AND LEGO BRICKS THAT CAN BE MADE INTO GUN SHAPED OBJECTS, ALL OF THESE POISE A THREAT AND MUST BE ELIMIATED!!!”

Yes, in American, The Land Of The Fear, a water pistol taken to school by a child is now considered a terrorist threat.

This is so frustrating for satirical bloggers. If we tried making this shit us, nobody would read us on account of it’s being too surreal and fantastical.

School Calls Cops Over Water Pistol; Vows To Track Down Owner Using Surveillance Cams
Posted by or from a variety of publications on EducationViews.org on March 13, 2013 in Daily

It is now a daily occurrence for school officials somewhere in America to freak out, call the police, and discipline students over anything vaguely resembling a gun. On Monday it was the turn of Malden High School in Massachusetts.

A teacher at the school reportedly glimpsed sight of a “gun”, and alerted police who rushed to the scene only to discover a neon water pistol.

“A teacher reported hearing a clicking motion, and thought a student may have had a gun,” Superintendent David DeRuosi told reporters.

After school was dismissed, police located the harmless toy and filed a report, according to Malden Police Lt. Det. Marc Gatcomb.

“…no persons were threatened that we know of,” Gatcomb wrote in an email.

Any rational person may have concluded that that was the end of the matter. Not in America 2.0, however.

School officials are now on the hunt for the culprit who brought the water pistol on to school grounds.

“You can’t take any of that stuff lightly today,” Superintendent DeRuosi said, adding that state of the art surveillance cameras that were recently installed as part of the school’s renovation, will help track down the student responsible, and allow officials to hold him or her responsible for such a heinous action.

Once apprehended, the student will face internal disciplinary action for the incident, school officials said.

As we have seen over the past few weeks, in the wake of the Sandy Hook shooting, these kind of ridiculous knee jerk overreactions at schools are now a daily occurrence.

Earlier this month, a 7-year-old boy from Maryland was suspended for unintentionally biting his pop tart into the shape of a gun. The incident was the latest in a long line of ridiculous suspensions and disciplinary actions against students for anything even remotely gun related. It prompted Maryland Sen. J. B. Jennings to introduce a bill to stop such idiotic over reactions being played out over and over again in schools.

And boy are they being played out.

Last week a third grader in Michigan was reprimanded by school officials when he brought a cupcake to school with a plastic toy soldier, holding a gun, on top of it.

A ten year old Virginia boy who was arrested for taking a plastic toy gun to school is now facing a potentially permanent criminal record over the incident.

A student in Florence, Arizona was recently suspended because he had a picture of a gun on his computer.

A six-year-old kindergartner in South Carolina was suspended for taking a small transparent plastic toy gun to school for a show and tell.

A day before that incident we reported on the five-year-old in Massachusetts who faced suspension for building a small toy gun out of lego bricks and play-shooting his classmates.

We also reported on an incident that erupted when a discussion between two children about a toy nerf gun caused a lockdown and a massive armed police response at two elementary schools in the Bronx.
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Having noted in the past that Dennis The Menace has been castrated by the Politically Correct Thought Police and now only menaces people by being overly helpful, we wonder what modern school authorities in the modern wussducation system would make of the arsenal of spud guns, pea shooters, catapults, firecrackers and DIY thermo nuclear devices that daily found their way into schools in my era?

Nick Clegg’s Kids Will Attend Same School As Tony Blair’s Did.

The London Oratory School is a Catholic faith school, well the lovely Miriam is spanish so that’s OK but even so Nick is in trouble over the decision. In the 2010 election manifesto you see, the Lib Dems promised to put an end to faith-based admissions arrangements.

“We will ensure that all faith schools develop an inclusive admissions policy and end unfair discrimination on grounds of faith when recruiting staff, except for those principally responsible for optional religious instruction,” it said.

Now those nasty Tories and Labourites are accusing Nick of betraying his principles.

Unfair we say, how can he betray his principles when he hasn’t got any.

Celebrity Former Pupil Dishes Dirt On Old School

When a school invited a celebrity former pupil to address the current inmates that expect some fond reminiscences and a glowing endorsement confirming the school is a wonderful place.

“It was terrible here,” television presenter Fiona Phillips told pupils at her old school last week. The politically leftish presenter used a speech at her old school to attack the education she received there, claiming it had turned her into a “vile teenager”. The former GMTV host, 51, pulled no punches during what was supposed to be a celebration for the rebranding of Millbrook School as a £16 million academy.

Appearing at the school as a guest speaker, she claimed teachers at the Southampton comprehensive crushed her aspirations during the 1970s, resulting in her leaving with just one O-level. Describing her arrival at Millbrook as an “eye opener” after being top of her primary school class, she said: “It was a school rampant with hormones (aren’t they all? – Editor) with no discipline, no aspiration and no encouragement.

OUCH! Not what the school was expecting from it’s famousish former pupil.

Ms Phillips said, “I went in and said I wanted to be a doctor and they said, ‘Have you thought about hairdressing?’ I can remember being in classes throwing furniture around. We locked a fashion teacher in a cupboard and threw one over a bush, and that was normal behaviour. My mother was in despair because I was so vile to her. My parents used to come and pick me up from the police station after I had been caught shoplifting. I was in fights after school; I won’t even go into what else went on. My mother couldn’t believe that this constant pupil had turned into this vile teenager.”

The speech provoked angry criticism from former pupils and governors at the school, now renamed Oasis Academy Lord’s Hill.

One contemporary of Phillips said: “There was nothing wrong with the school nor the pupils who worked hard at their education. Perhaps if Ms Phillips had not spent so much time throwing furniture and teachers around she may have got more out of her time there.” Bet we know who was teachers pet out of those two.

Milliband’s Comprehensive Elitism

Ah yes, Ed’s school. Haverstock Hill CINO (Comprehensive In Name Only) That’s the place where they were so inclusive they taught the elite kids separately from the working class oiks isn’t it?

And it may come as a surprise to those inclined to kick off about privilege and Tory Posh Boys and how The Church Of England should be sold to the Arabs and private property abolished to learn that man o’ the people Ed went to the same primary school as Boris Johnson.

As I’ve always said Labour are more elitist than the Tories.

The early life of Ed Miliband

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Political Correctness turns Gold To Smelly Stuff

Amid scenes of unrestrained joy everywhere in the nation (yes, even here in the Boggart Blog office) the lefties of the Politically Correct Thought Police and their Guardian reading cohorts have to try and turn our gold medals to brown, smelly stuff by claiming that a disproportionate numbers of our Olympic competitors were privately educated and this is “unfair”.

The PCTP would have our 4 x 100m, relay teams selected according to quotas, the team comprising 1 black member, 1 Asian, 1 from a single parent family and 1 GBLT. After all it is not winning that matters, or even taking part but the Yooman Rights implications.

At the next Olympics, Jessica Ennis’ place in the decathlon will be taken by a 15 year old crack whore who was discovered working the mean streets on Manchester. Greg Rutherford will be dumped out of the long jump to let a one legged dwarf have a go.

This egalitarian approach to making sport non competitive and ensuring nobody loses has already been successfully introduced in the state school system where sports like “everybody-gets-a-turn-to-have-a-kick football” and the 100 metres tied to a beam race in which everybody wins and everybody loses because they all cross the line together have emilinated enjoyment of physical activity completely.

Perhaps there is a good reason why so many of out Olympic team come out of the private school system where it is still not an offence to be good at something.

A more reasoned view on this topic

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Free School Dinners

Boggart Blog recoiled in horror on reading a news item about child poverty earlier this week. As part of the government’s plan to abolish child poverty by making everybody poor, in the future all state school pupils will be force fed school dinners. A Department of Education spokesperson said that forcing everybody to eat the same vile grey sloppy mess as prison inmates and hospital patients are given will help close the gap between rich and poor.

Our reporter, acting on parents fears that their childrens’ taste buds would be destroyed spoke to one of the likely victims of this policy, The Hon Jonty Lyttleton – Titt (aged eight) to lean how he and other posh kids will no longer be able to have their favourite Fortnum and Mason packed lunch hamper delivered in a Rolls Royce and served by a liveried footman. Instead they will have to eat the politically correct shite only fit for Guardian readers which has found it’s way onto school dinners menus courtesy of that fat tongued mockney posh boy Jamie Oliver.

Jonty told our reporter: “Obviously one is disappointed one will no longer be allowed one’s favourites like fois gras and roast suckling pig and will have to eat prole food. If the school want to abolish child poverty Daddy says it would be better to make proles eat the kind of stuff I like, cavair, chicken in aspic, smoked salmon, lobster pate and huge slices of cake with lashings of whipped cream. Daddy says that might give them the motivation to get off their arses and make a decent life for themselves.

Mummy (Jonty’s mother, Lib Dem MEP Femi-Nesta la Castrata) disagrees. She says the poor are genetically predisposed to choke on fine foods and we should concentrate on weaning them off pot noodles and take away pizza and teach them to eat tofu and cous cous and adopt a more ethical lifestyle.

Then Daddy said if Mr. Dave, the man with the shiny face give him a hundred toffs with shotguns and release ten thousand proles on our grouse moor and do the same for all other rich people he would soon solve poverty and unemployment .

That seems a little harsh to me but I am only eight and therefore not old enough to understand the socio – economic dynamics of post industrial society.

I do not know if I shall like prole food. Everyone says they eat something called Spotted Dick and Grandmama says it was spotted dick that made Grandpapa go raving mad and die. Which sounds like good fun because if I was mad I could run round with a big knife and shout “WUUUURRRRRGGGGGH I’m the mad serial killer, WUUUURRRRRGGGGGH” and scare the servants.

I should not wish to try Donor Kebab of course which proles eat all the time. It might be quite safe to eat but one would need to know that the donor came from a good familiy. If there was a chance it might have been one of Smelly Hatchett – Jobbs relatives I am sure I would throw up because they are all alcoholics and druggies, or victims of society who need our help as Mummy says.

I think school dinners should be left as they are, let rich people eat rich peoples’ food and poor people eat things they like because rich people are different. Mummy eats endives and sushi and Waldorf salad and she is slim and pretty. I do think she is a bit too thin because she gets hurt easily like when she has tennis lessons. One day at the country club Larsson the tennis coach was giving her one in the exercise room it made her scream terribly Oh God, Oh my God, Oh, Oooh.

If I had been bigger I would have run in and punched him right on the nose and said “that will teach you not to hurt my Mummy, you cad.”

But even if Mama is not very strong she always looks lovely in her evening gowns. The mummys of poor kids all have a fag in their mouth and spotty faces and a bottle of cider in their bag and they wear tight leggings that have a camel’s toe inside them and they wear halter tops and have a big roll of flab hanging out round the middle and goes blobber blobber blobber when they walk along.

I’m sure that is not classy but I bet they could rough up Larsson the tennis coach.

Perhaps I will eat proles food after all.

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More on the school football and other things banned by schools.

Head Teachers and deputy heads are Nazis. I have know this since my schooldays when I was often blamed and punished for things I did not do simply because I refused to conform.

Head teachers and deputy heads hate individuals who think for themselves. As Hyptatia of Alexandria said: “Always think for yourself. It is better to think and be wrong than not to think but try telling a head teacher that and you are in trouble.

To head teachers there is no difference between education and indoctrination and school is about their career rather than the futures of the young people whose brains are abused throughout their schoolyears.

So the news story of the school that bannede football because it occasionally gets a bit rough is following the rule rather than the exception to it.

Here, courtesy of Huffington Post, are some of the things politically correct school heads have banned and the stupid reasons threy gave for banning them.

@hannahainsworth
Pokemon cards. Apparently kids swapping them encouraged gambling. I think the teachers just wanted to keep them.

@weddingwonders
Our school banned patent shoes in case they reflected our knickers & made the lorry drivers crash.
(Editor’s note: My wife’s school did that too – one of the joys of a convent education)

@allielee9
My school banned fountain pens for H~&S reasons and hugs because they were “inappropriate …

@CookieSami
We were banned at primary school from running in the playground. Skipping was allowed though! (H&S reasons!!)

@LucyBannister
My primary school banned running in the playground, children kept falling over, how inconsiderate! # SERIOUSLY!

@Libmoggy
My grammar school banned petticoats. In summer we wore light summer dresses. Dirty old men must have rejoiced

@JAMcFadyen
@HuffPostUKUni Our primary school forbid us from having relationships (boyfriends-girlfriends)- love was too serious affecting school work!!

Well there we have it. Head teachers are all creepy neo – Nazi control freaks (just as all games teachers are sadistic paedophiles except for Miss Bolton who took the girls for gym and netball and was well fit) and should not in any circustances be allowed anywhere near children.