Romney’s tax returns become the new Birth Certificate

We have never been slow on Boggart Blog to mention the ongoing controversy surrounding Barack Obama’s alleged inelegibility (I’ll just spellcheck that, it’s a bit of a brain twister – yep, looks OK) to serve as President Of The Entire Universe And Everything Else Besides the U.S.A.

To be honest Boggart Blog does not give a brass fart where Obama was born or who his real father might me. It’s fun though to note how after decades of telling us how great they are Americans turn out to be incapable of vetting election candidates to make sure no such dispute arises.

The controversy over Obama’s origins continues however. Obie has spent millions of $$$ to avoid presenting his birth certificate. As it would cost a few dollars to get a proper, certified copy (rather than a copy of his sister’s with his name amateurishly photoshopped in, he must have something to hide.

Is he a Manchurian Candidate? Is he the secret love child of JKF and Marilyn Monroe? Is he a clone, created from genetic material donated by Little Richard and Martin Luther King?

At last we feel we are close to knowing what his secret is.

Real Street blog has identified evidence that Obama is not just not American but actually not Human. Real Street shows a photo of Obama with their report that proves he is most likely a replicant (like in Blade Runner).

What’s The Huge Long Scar On Obama’s Head

The scar in question may be the result of an accident or an operation to correct a medical condition of course. But it is consistent with someone having their brain removed and a computer popped in there and as Obama has ordered all records of his life before he made that speech in 2004 to be sealed, these questions have to be asked.

There is more evidence at Real Street too. They have video showing how Obama stops working when contact with his control centre is lost.

Has the secret of Obama’s hidden past been revealed?

RELATED POSTS:
A Scandal That Went Unremarked In Mainstream Media Returns To Bite Obama On The Arse
US Election News – The Weirdo Factor Kicks In
News from America: Republican hopeful Ron Paul is Voldemort
The republican nomination battle gets tepid
The Real Story Behind Obama’s Job Creation
Will Romney’s Tax Returns Be The New Birth Certificate

The UFO Files – Boggart Blogs Secret UFO Filed Revealed

I couldn’t think of much to do today so as the MoD released its annual batch of secret UFO files I thought we would reprise Boggart Blogs secret UFO investigations:

Life On Mars After rubbishing reports of UFOs and alien visitations for years scientists got very excited when they thought they had found water (ice) on the surface of Mars. This indicates that other planets in our solar system miht just be able to support life. Not as good as seeing a flying saucer in your back garden though is it?

Life On Mars ConspiracyThe American Military have long dreamed of putting a men on Mars, landing a manned space craft on the surface of the Red Planet. Martians are such stuff as dreams are made of but reality suggests that as with the moon landing all the astronauts would find is rocks. Unless there is a conspiracy of silence to keep us from finding our Mars is home to a race of three breasted alien nymphomaniacs and the military and political elite want to keep this to themselves…

Life On Mars – The TruthScientists have sighed, UFO spotters have uffed and theorists have theed about whether life could exist on Mars. In spite of numerous UFO sightings, alien encounters and serious but ultimately futile research we were no nearer to knowing the truth about life on mars. Until now. UFO investigator and whirling dervish Adrian Tantric Spoon tells all.

Turd Nine From Outer SpaceWhat are the mysterious turn shaped brown unidentified flying objects that have been filmed hovering over Southern England. Are they alien craft on a mission, giant intergalactic jobbies from monsters that live in black holes or are they a message, harbingers of doom?

The Return Of Turd Nine From Outer SpaceSci – Fi B movie classic Plan Nine From Outer Space, Edward D Wood’s masterpiece of incompetence has inspired many parodies. But has it also insired an alient race to vistit earth in their turd shaped space craft.

RELATED POSTS:
Did You See That?
Life On Mars
Scientists Find A Planet That May Support Life

Big Brown Bag O’ Shite

Last week I posted an article to remind you all what a bag o’ shite Tony Blair is. The purpose was to make sure the truth is out there as Blair tries to reinvent himself as The World’s Greatest Catholic. The responses to the post included along with the usual witty banter from regular readers some outraged whines from fans of Tony Blair. These sad little people were, with one honourable exception, they are the type who create an e-mail address solely to comment in one thread so their comments have no value at all. But I would not want the nerds to think they are not appreciated. You see, being nerds they just couldn’t let things lie, they had to try to impose their views on Boggart Blog. This meant we got a bumper crop of comments which kept the thread attracting traffic for several days.

Let’s see if we can pull off the same trick with Gordon Brown who has been nominated this week’s bog o’shite of the week. Why has he been awarded that title you might well ask? It is because he continues to believe we are all too stupid to know that when he talks of green shoots of recovery he is just trying to get us spending insanely again.

Brown, supported by two sidekicks, the one who looks like a Thunderbirds puppet (for non – British readers, Thunderbirds was a 1960 sci – fi puppet show; no, really, it was; which has gained cult status around the world) and the one who looks like a puppet from Fireball XL5, another 1960s sci – fi puppet show which has not gained cult status and deservedly so, wants us to cough up more money so he can give it to bankers and businessmen. The man who thought up this ruse is another Brown buddy who looks like a Dark Lord from Lord Of The Rings. We will not identify him as mention of his name has been known to drive people to suicide.

Brown and his gang are desperate to get the economy moving. They have spent all the government’s money on bailing out bankers and feeding fat cats caviar and cream and now as no-one is spending, no –one is making any money. Therefore the government are not raking in any taxes to pay the seven per cent interest on the money they borrowed from the banks having lent it to the banks a 0.5 per cent interest.

As we have no manufacturing industry left and no natural resources to exploit because Brown’s silly commitments to reduce our carbon footprint put our coal off limits (You may notice that other nations make vague noises about carbon emissions but keep on pumping the oil, digging the coal and helping their economies to flourish,) the only way the British economy can be restarted is by Mr. and Mrs. Average Briton resuming digging themselves ever deeper into debt so they can start consuming and the economy can grow. As Steinbeck wrote in The Grapes of Wrath, “The economy is a monster that must grow because if it ever stops growing it dies.” It has died and cannot be resuscitated by Mr. & Mrs Average Britons’ debts.

Unfortunately for Ol’ Bag O’ Shite Brown Mr & Mrs Average Briton are already so deep in debt there are two big blokes waiting outside their house for them to show their faces. As soon as our typical couple set foot outside these two, the Psycho – Bastard twins, Ugly and Murdering will deliver the message their boss E. Ville Loanshark wrote on the baseball bats with nails through the end that the boys are holding. The message reads: “This is nothing personal, it’s just business. If I let you rip me off everyone will think they can too.”

Yes, debt collecting, usury and prostitution are the only industries that are growing in Bag O’shite Brown’s Britain. Yet in this dystopic environment the government thinks a few bland statements about things getting better because the rate of decline has slowed will all us all with confidence. That or they think blaming our selfishness for the recession will guilt trip us all into selling our kids into slavery to save this failed government from complete annihilation as a political force at the next election.

Right, any Brown fans out there let’s be ‘avin’ you. There must be some if there are Blair fans, Blair is even more despicable than Brown slightly. At least Brown only preaches politics to us, he does not blether on about “faith.” So anybody who thinks as one Blair fan does that I am sitting here with my beer and chips (actually it is Claret and Canapes sweetie) carping and criticising while good people like Saint Tony are “at least trying to do something,” bring ‘em on.

RELATED POSTS:
The Economy Is So Bad Talk Radio blog Blaney’s Blarney presents a roundup of the best “economy up shit creek” one liners.

Engage With Blair – No Thanks No longer constrained by the cynicism of Alistair Campbells, that slimy little shit Blair is free to push his “faith agenda.” But will anybody put their faith in a proven liar and hypocrite who has proved he is addicted to monry and celebrity. As a Saxon scribe once wrote “Preachers are attracted to monery like flies to a turd.”

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

THE DAILY STIRRER
and don’t forget all the other Greenteeth Multi Media pages…
Greenteeth Multi Media
bogboggart
Greenteeth Comedy Pages
A Tale Told By An Idiot
Ian at Authorsden

…But Some Of Us Are Looking At The Stars…

Every now and then we will post a blog on the weirder side of life; the latest UFO sightings (Turd Nine From Outer Space) cases of Alien Abduction, reports of the Amoeba Contabulae in Did You See That, said to be the inspiration for H. P. Lovecraft’s Cthulhu, the irrationalities of Big Bang theory or anything we can twist a comic thread out of.

On such occasions it is inevitable some scientific dork will turn up in the comment thread a few days later (when Google has had time to index the piece) and berate us for our gullibility in believing such unscientific nonsense. It’s stange how they always miss the fact that we are a comedy blog.

If Boggart Blog does have a motto though, it is “Same Rules Apply.” So perhaps someone can tell us why it is OK for “scientists” to spend £££millions on chasing fantasies of aliens when we are “foolish and gullible” for feigning credulity for the sake of a few jokes? Take a look at this from Today’s Guardian:

Jupiter and its moon system has been visited successively by Pioneer 10 and 11, by the two Voyager spacecraft, and by a dedicated spacecraft called Galileo. These revealed something unexpected: Europa is encased in a thick sheet of ice that seems to have fractured and been repaired, again and again. That is, it looks just like sea ice on planet Earth. The fracturing and refreezing could only happen if, under the ice, there is a liquid ocean. And water could only stay liquid so far from the sun if there is a source of energy at the core of Europa.

The fundamental requirements for life seem to be water and a source of energy. So, for more than a decade, space scientists have been tantalised by the possibility that, beyond Mars, beyond the asteroid belt, and wheeling around the second biggest object in the solar system, there could be living things, sheathed in an enormous goldfish bowl, masked by dense, self-repairing ice, the creatures of a separate genesis.
Read more of the Jupiter space exploration project in today’s Guardian Online.

OK so they are talking about sending a hugely expensive space probe into (cue stressy music) The Outer Limits of the solar system, we are talking about having a few glasses of Scrumpy Cider or Theakstons Old Peculiar, smoking a bit of herbal mixture, going out into the back garden and looking at the sky.

But other than the scale of the operation where’s the difference?

Boggart Blog UFO posts
Boggart Blog alien posts

UPDATED 25 March 2009: AND TALKING OF THE CRAZY THINGS people say or do when they are drunk or stoned, the big question in America this week is: Had Barack Obama been at the old herbal mixture when he appeared on the 60 Minutes television news magazine? Check out the video embedded in Obama’s 60 Minute High on Texas Darlin’ blog and make your own mind up. I don’t want to influence your judgement but I think if someone had handed the President a Mars Bar we all know what he would have done with it.

Solar Storm Heading Our Way

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Latest UFO sighting? The Return Of Turd Nine From Outer Space.

UFO filmed hovering over Somerset? It’s the return of the cosmic turds.

Sometime last year we reported in an item titled Turd Nine From Outer Space, an acknowledgement of the greatest sci – fi movie ever made (not!) on the attack of the cosmic turds, a spate of UFO sightings in the 1980, details of which had been released into the public domain. The sightings, including photographs are video footage fell into the category “no rational explantion” after MOD experts had tested the evidence to ensure these incidents were not hoaxes.

The most remarkable think about the Unidentified Flying Objects ( UFO ) was they were brown in colour and cylindrical in shape, not the more usual fancifl shapes on flashing, shimmering objects described by people who claim to have seen a UFO after eating wild mushrooms up on the moors.

Now we can bring you, courtest of that repository of all that is respectable, conservative and opposed to the ingestion of mind altering substances The Daily Telegraph video footage of a cosmic turd UFO filmed hovering over Somerset last year. The footage has been examined and pronounce authenic. So here is a chance to make up your own minds.

People will believe what they want to believe of course and those fearful of sticking so much as a small toe outside their confort zone will accuse me of having been at the old “herbal mixture” again.

That is your right. Just don’t start whining to me when you wake up one morning inside a cosmic turd with sensors strapped to your sensitive bits.

Did you see that? One of the whackier theories on what UFOs actually are.
Life On Mars
More humour every day from Boggart Blog
You Just Can’t be Too Paranoid by Ian Thorpe Do you think the craziness of modern life is getting to much for you? Do you feel to are becoming too paranoid for your own good? Check out this poem and reassure yourself.

RELATED POSTS:

Astronomers reveal fast FRBs have been discovered coming from the same mystery cosmic source

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The UFO Files – Turd Nine From Outer Space

More files on incidents involving UFOs (Unclassified Fun Opportunities) were released by the Ministry of Defence this week and these contain some stories that are very difficult to ascribe to overindulgence in Scrumpy Cider, Theakstons Old Peculiar or recreational phamaceutical products.

One of the most mysterious is the 1991 spate of sightings. In the most reliable report the pilot of an Alitalia jet on its final approach to Heathrow noticed his plane was being buzzed by a long, thin, wingless brown object. He contacted air traffic control to ask what was going on and was told the flying poo had suddenly appeared on radar screens a few minutes earlier. Shortly after it disappeared just as mysteriously. For several months in the same year sightings of similar unidentified flying jobbies were reported in various locations.

The attack, not known officially as the Turd Nine From Outer Space incidents (they don’t have much imagination in The Ministry Of Defence) was investigated by civil and military authorities. It was clear many of the sightings were recorded by sane, level headed people, pilots, air traffic controllers, military personnel, people trained to report bare facts without embesllishment. The presence of physical entities was confirmed by scientific monitoring equipment. The investigation could throw no light on the origin of the hardware though, only conforming that the airborne plops were neither guided missiles not weather balloons.

The case was filed as unsolved but it does suggest the aliens have technology far beyond anything yet available to our military forces and should they decide to attack we’re well in the shit.

Boggart Blog’s theory on the turds from outer space. Imagine an alien civilisation on a planet in a dying galaxy who wish to seed new civilisations in corners of the Universe with better prospects. They load a few hundred thousand beings in a gigantic intergalactic transporter and set off to journey across boundless space in search of a new home. Several thousand generations later the ship’s waste disposal tanks are a tad full. This triggers and automatic process which compresses the brown smelly slurry and jettisons it just as they are passing earth.

Sci-Fi writers just never address questions like “where do the jobbies go.” When we do, many mysteries are solved.

UPDATED 15:41 Feb12, 2009.
Check out the lastest on the Turd Nine From Outer Space UFO invasion in our post The Return Of Turd Nine From Outer Space

RELATED POSTS:

Astronomers reveal fast FRBs have been discovered coming from the same mystery cosmic source
Mars Attacks A large monolith found on the surface of Mars raises a number of questions. Was the rock sculpted by the same alien race that sent the Turds From Outer Space to spy on Earth?
Before Big Bang – part 1
Before Big Bang part 2
The Grenteeth take on that insoluble question “what existed before The Big Bang
Looking At The Stars

RELATED POSTS:
ET Phone Home – The Science Of Wasting Taxpayers’ Money
When one of the most famous and highly promoted science fanboys starts to question the official narrative about exploring distant galaxies, meeting exotic aliens (and inviting them all to come to earth and live on welfare in the western democracies) we have to wonder did he fail to win the prize for whackiest theory at this year’s Star Trek convention or something?
Elsewhere: [ The Original Boggart Blog] … [ Daily Stirrer.shtml ]…[Little Nicky Machiavelli]… [ Ian’s Authorsden Pages ]… [ It’s Bollocks My Dears, All Bollocks ] [Scribd]…[Wikinut] … [ Boggart Abroad] … [ Grenteeth Bites ] … [ Latest Posts ] [Ian Thorpe at Flickr ] … [Latest Posts] … [ Tumblr ] … [Ian at Minds ] … [ Authorsden blog ] … [Daily Stirrer Headlines]
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More humour every day from Boggart Blog

 

You Couldn’t Make It Up # 3791: Scientology.

Note from Boggart Blog’s Chief Ectoplasmic Officer Jenny Greenteeth: Sometimes a story comes in that are just so made for Ian’s style of insane ramblings we can do nothing but let him loose – JG.

We heard the news through one of the nuttier radio stations Mrs. Thorpe tunes into that Tom Cruise is threatening to sue Andrew Morton, an author who specialises is unofficial biographies of the loonier fringe of the celebrity world.
Superstar Scientologist Tom Cruise (4’6”) is considering suing the writer and his publishers over allegations that the child Cruise claims he fathered on second wife Kelly (6’4”) is not their natural child but in fact was conceived from the frozen sperm of failed sci-fi writer L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of the evil mind control cult of Scientology.
Regular readers may remember from earlier Boggart Blog posts concerning the evil cult of Scientology that followers are required to believe L. Ron Hubbard was in psychic contact with Lord Xena the Warrior Princes or something like that, evil overlord of the Thetans a race of alien superbeings who, having been thrown out of the Intergalactic Federation for interbreeding with primitive lifeforms, came to Earth and waited sisty million or so years until humans evolved so they could get jiggy with cavewomen (Genesis 6:1.)
Now the people who feel called to join the scientology cult and get in touch with their inner Thetan can be admitted to the secrets of the inner sanctum of scientology by completing a rigorous training course which involves paying the cult $350,000. Once admitted to the higher echelons, scientologists learn how they can live forever and are granted super powers like comic book heroes.
The Church of Scientology is very hot on controlling the reproductive processes of its members. Nicole Kidman (7’6”) the first wife of midget megastar Cruise became pregnant twice during their marriage but neither pregnancy went to full term. There have been rumours that the Thetans intervened and aborted the pregnancies because Kidman a down to earth Australian was not deemed nutty enough to be mother to a half alien baby.
Cruise’s lawyers deny all of this saying the allegations are too ludicrous to be taken seriously and the actor has not yet made up his mind whether to sue.

We do not suppose their is any chance of Cruise and the missis taking little Sumi on the Jerry Springer show for a DNA test.

MORE new houmour every day from Boggart Blog