Cameron’s Big Society

So David Cameron wants us to become a big society?

Does that mean as part of the NHS cuts we can wave goodbye to all those paronizing, multi million pound advertising campaigns warning us about the dangers of fast food and obesity and telling how much our greedy self indulgence costs the health service.

I mean, if the Prime Minister wants a big society how big does he want us? Bring on the curries, pizzas, pie and chips, happy days are here again.

The Raoul Moat Case: What It Says About Our Society

The manhunt for Raoul Moat reached its inevtiable conclusion to the great relief of most people as it mean there would be no “urgent newsflash” interruptions at vital moments in the World Cup final.

The analysis of how the criminal justice system could fail so comprehensively as to allow, on the recommendation of one psychiatrist, the release into society of a man who was obviously barking mad will go on for a long time.

Another aspect of the case that deserves some comment though is what it says about our society when, attracted by the prospect of a Clint Eastwood style bloodbath as the desperate loner engaged with armed police (oooo-oo-oo-oo-oooooooooh – oo – oo- oo) It seems hoardes of people who should have been obsessing about the World Cup took time out to follow the saturation television coverage on 24 hour news channels and by watching live, real time web feeds.

What is most frightening however, 97% of the people watching web feeds thought Raoul Moat had escaped from the Big Brother House.

Guardian Readers Are The New Daily Mail Readers.

We’ve all gone matey matey now and the coalition means we can’t take the piss out of Conservative voting NIMBYS and people who’re not as posh as they think they are. Even some of the old tribal hatreds that gave us so much pleasure have had to be laid aside. An example is our attitude to Daily Mail readers.

While it is not yet compulsory to love Daily Mail readers we are, in the spirit of national unity, required to we are required to acknowledge they’re entitled to their opinion even if the opinion holds that watching Channel 4 gives you cancer.

Every society. every culture and sub culture needs a hate symbol however (and for Daily Mail readers it’s Romanian gypsy social workers) so having to be comradely to our Daily Mail reading brethren and sistren created a vacuum in the lives of us long time Liberals.

No worries, Deputy Prime Minister and deputy leader of the Lib Dems Nick Clegg decided he should consult Joe Public about what hateful authoritarian New Labour laws ought to be repealed. There were many interesting suggestions: Laws that favour women, speeding laws, the human rights act, parking laws, all health and safety laws, anything related to the EU and the fox hunting ban. So most of the people who are listening to Nick are Top Gear fans or Daily Mail readers. Not all however…

Some respondents wanted to scrap anti – smoking laws, now that one did not come from Daily Mail readers, smoking is linked to cancer and the Daily Mail is as strongly opposed to cancer as it is to Guardian readers, young people, wind turbines and Romanian gypsies in everyone’s back yard.

Another suggestion that seemed to resonate with 90% of visitors to the website, Daily Mail readers included, was that Nick Clegg and his people should campaign to scrap every law that socialists and Guardian Readers think is a good idea.

If this is a sign of things to come I’m glad I’m not a Guardian Reader any more.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

A Job For The Boys: Lap Dance Researcher.

The University of Leeds School of Social Science is advertising for a researcher to undertake research into “The rise and regulation of lap dancing and the place of sexual labour and consumption in the night time economy.” Among the qualities considered essential for the successful applicant is: “prior experience of conducting research in the female sex industry”

And what could that mean? Your guess is probably as good as ours unless you are terminally naive.

Being an equal opportunities employer the University cannot state that male applicant only will be interviewed but this is surely a job for the boys.

And being “scientific” in a sort of unscientific way as it involves counting things and adding them up, a process that is passed off as science in these dumbed down times, it could well be ideal for a newly unemployed climate change scientiist as the data the job holder has to work with will bear no relation to reality.

This post is sure to upset some science fans so I’d better head them off by saying the problem with climate change science was always that it tried to use linear calculations (mathematical modelling) to predict non linear processes. James Lovelock, a proper scientist rather than a clerk, pointed this out many years ago.

Ig-nobel Science

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Today In Manchester

Today’s guest blog from the Conservative conference in Manchester is contributed by Rupert Chynliss – Wunder, a Tory work and pensions spokesman.

OK Yah! Are we weady to wock Manchester? When old Cammers and Osborne talk about getting disabled people off benefit and back to work we expect the namby pamby hand winging wefties to start whining so we don’t give too much away. I can tell you Boggart Blog weaders though our scheme is more exciting than anybody imagines.

One of the main weasons so many of the wank and file are living on disability benefit is depwession. Well I would be depwessed if I were working class HWAH HWAH. But sewiously, my Grandfather Sir Bwutus Chynliss – Wunder was a expert of the lower orders. He gave me this advice. “My boy, never feel sowwy for the working class,” he told me when I wevealed I was considerwing a caweer in politics. “Just wemember Wupert,” he said, “the working class do not need sympathy, what they need is a kick up the arse. Offer them sympathy and they just start feeling even more sowwy for themselves.”

Thanks to Gwandpapa’s advice i have never had any sympathy for the working class. Don’t give them time to be depwessed I say, keep them working. Why else are they the working class HWAH HWAH! If they were meant to have time for sitting awound feeling sowwy for themselves we should be obliged to call them the “sitting awound feeling sowwy for themselves class. Yes.

So how will we get all these good for nothings back into the workforce when we were so successful in dismantling the induswial base to stop them getting ideas above their station. Well that is where we have come up with a weally clever plan. As the pwivate sector are vewy kindly building new hospitals and wenting them to the NHS for vast pwofits all the old hospitals that were once workhouses are vacant. So we can turn them back into workhouses and put the occupants to work doing things like oakum picking. Where can one get one’s oakum picked these days?

But that is not the only opportunity for pwivate sector workhouse operators. They can also employ inmates, I mean clients, sorting household wubbish by hand for wecycling. The consumer society has created hundreds of opportunities for people who wish to exploit the poor and disposessed.

The more histowically aware of you may wecall that workhouses were twaditionally wun by the Church of England. It will wemain so but of course the Conservative government will twansform the C of E into an efficient business with each pawish an autonomous pwofit centre along the lines of Amerwican Evangelical churches.

Vote Conservative and let us get the country back to what it was like in 1897.

Back From Exile

For reasons unexplained I have spent the pst few days in exile from having suddenly been banished last Friday when after clicking submit the page returned a 404 error. I did get back on briefly yesterday and posted a few comments but suffered the same fate when trying to add a new item.

Feeling like Josef K in Kafka’s “The Trial” I spent most of yesterday trying to find out what was going on. None of the usual tricks like deleting all cookies worked so it was retracing steps time. Shortly before my exile began, I recalled having responded to a Google pop up inviting me to download a new version of their toolbar. Maybe it was that.

Has it ever struck you how like the situation of Josef K. the internet users lot is. Even those of us who understand the technology are powerless against the dark forces that control the web. Because they give their services free we have no contract that can be enforced. They can do anything they like on our computers without asking our consent. Even if we find a phone number for user services it will only conect to a recorded message so it is futile saying “I know where you live, I know which schools your children attend, get my access fixed now or I’ll be round with some big lads carrying baseball bats with nails through the end.

Then it struck me, here is the reason society is broken. Feeling powerless and isolated people take refuge in binge drinking, binge eating, binge shagging and binge everythingelseing (binge speedlimit breaking in my case.) We have no control over our lives.

Once the toolbar was uninstalled and and a few other files updated by Google at the same time had been restored the frustration of exile was replaced a euphocric sensation brought on by having scored a small victory against The Evil Empire.

Trouble is now the euphoria is fading i feel evem more like Josef K.

Teen Binge Drinking Crisis


Latest archive selection now online: Boggart Blog Select vol 5

and don’t forget all the other Greenteeth Multi Media pages…
Greenteeth Multi Media
Greenteeth Comedy Pages
A Tale Told By An Idiot

Shock, Horror! Schools Teaching FILTH!

We don’t hear much from the Mary Whitehouse brigade and their campaign against FILTH! in the media in these amoral times but they are alive and well. The best place to find them is on radio phone – ins. A good FILTH! story always makes for an easy life for Boggart Blog reporters so when we saw on The Anorak yesterday the story of a schoolteacher who had topped up her salary by moonlighting as a lingerie model and the fuss that resulted when the pictures inevitably found their way onto the internet it was obvious an hour listening to radio today would be very fruitful.

We were not wrong.

“No wonder we have the highest rate of teenage pregnancies in Europe when schools are encouraging FILTH!” stormed one caller.

The Boggart Blog team are always fascinated by these “teenage pregnancies” statistics that are thrown about to back up claims of the moral decay of society. A 19 year old woman is still technically a teenager but may have been married for several years.

Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells and company are not interested in such subtleties. They are interested in FILTH! and ladies underwear is FILTH! in their view. We must assume the ladies of Tunbridge Wells do not have bodies. Or maybe they go commando. Anyway even though the teacher pictured filling her bra and panties very attractively was showing neither nipple nor pube she is still a candidate for tarring and feathering.

One caller demanded the abolition of the internet. When the presenter explained it was rather hard to abolish something that cannot really be said to exist, she refused to be put off.
“It does exist,” she declared, “and what is more it pumps FILTH! into people’s homes night and day.

I logged onto the net but all I could find was stuff about G20, warnings of a new virus and a report that said The Guardian will cease publication in print today and in future only be available on Twitter. All part of an evil capitalist conspiracy maybe but hardly FILTH!

Never mind. On the radio the phone in was still going on. Another caller opined that any time now we could expect to hear the FILTH! merchants who run our schools plan to offer GCSE courses in stripping, lap dancing “and worse.”

These people are so stuck in the twentieth century. Have they not heard Universities have offered degrees in lap dancing for nearly a decade?

Oops Sorry, I forgot to put the link in.
SEE THE FILTH! for yourself sexiest teacher trouble

Greenteth Multi Media
Greenteeth Comedy Pages
A Tale Told By An Idiot

Fear and Panic and H.P. Sauce.

Those two fiery – eyed black horses that in ancient Greek myths pull the chariot of Greek war god Ares have galloped though Boggart Blog many times and today they are with us again in spirit if not in actuality. Phobos and Deimos or Fear and Panic in English do not work for an ancient pagan god now but for the dark forces of authoritarianism and their evil henchmen The Politically Correct Thought Police who use these mythical beasts to inflate trivial risks in our minds to the proportions of imminent catastrophe. Thus they persuade We The Punters into meekly surrendering age old liberties and hard won civil rights in the name of The War On Terror.

The war on Terror is no more a real war than Phobos and Deimos are real horses. What are real are the wars on individualism and common sense. It is not a new political ploy of course. In Shakespeare’s play Henry IV part 2 King Henry asks his son Prince Harry:

Therefore, my Harry,
Be it thy course to busy giddy minds
With foreign quarrels; that action, hence borne out,
May waste the memory of the former days

Fear and Panic. It worked then and it seems to be working now. All we have done is substitute the word terror for “foreign quarrels”. Brainwashed by scare stories or terrorist conspiracies spread by government and media we overreact grossly to the most trivial incidents.

The malaise has spread through all levels of society, even the security forces have succumbed. In 2007 we had armed police shooting an innocent Brazilian in the face seven times because he had slightly swathy skin and a shoulder bag that could have carried a binary liquid explosive but in fact carried his lunch. If the people charged with protecting society from “evil doors and people of Evelyn Tent” who can we rely on to protect the peace?

Well not the Police force obviously if an incident involving two of Londons’s finest reported in this week’s news is anything to go by. When a “potentially harmful substance” was thrown through the window of a patrol car at these two intrepid peacekeepers they called at once for medical assistance, were rushed to hospital, examined and treated. The substance was then analysed and found to be HP Sauce.

So what happened to normal human responses to being hit by something gooey and slimy? First the sense of smell ought to be called on: Does it smell like shit? No, bit vinegary and fruity maybe…OK so far . Next step is the sense of touch: Is it burning as a strong acid or alkaline would? No… OK so far. Next step is sight: Get a bit on the fingertip. Does it look dangerous? No … OK so far. Finally the truly brave person might risk employing the sense of taste and having dabbed the fingertip on the tongue ask: Does it taste like a new weapon of mass distraction developed by terrorists to kill us in our homes and places of work? No; it tastes like HP Sauce.

Conclusion: if it smells like HP Sauce, tastes like HP Sauce and looks like HP Sauce it probably is HP Sauce.

If you apply the common sense test in all situations you will not loose your grip on reality every time Phobias and Deimos gallop through your life.

FEAR AND PANIC are among us all the time along with suspicion, mistrust and paranoisa. Have a look at Ian’s comic poem You Just Can’t Be Too Paranoid and you’ll see what we mean.

UPDATED 23 Feb 2009
This is getting beyond a joke. Among the attacks on civil liberyies being attacked while we are distracted by Phobos and Deimos is our freedom of movement. The government’s ID cards scheme will enable the authorities to track our movements 23/4 in the interests of national security ( ID cards create second class citizens )This is not what we voted for

Updated 26 Feb 2009:
Hazel Blears says we must engage with extremists. What the Government must do is stop bigging up the terrorist threat in order to lubricate the passage of new laws aimed at shafting our right to privacy and our civil liberties. We the punters are saying to would be terrorists “Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough.” It’s the government who are cowering behind Whitehall’s security barriers.

The Government may spread fear and panic about terror when they want to erode our civil libertties but who is really looking after our Homeland Security
UPDATED 7 March 2009: As Plane Stupid protesters drench Peter Mandelson with custard in a protest against the Heathrow 3rd runway Ariane Sherine says schoolyard taunts are the best way to belittle the pompous.

Tumbleweed Moment

Radio is a great medium, an underrated medium in fact. The best thing about Radio is it provides the script and lets the listeners imagination paint the pictures. The second best thing is Radio; unlike television can still be unpredictable. Never again will there be a Matt Bianco or Five Star moment on television, so tightly are programmes managed. On radio such moments happen all the time.

On a talk show broadcast by some obscure local station last night the subjects were, almost inevitably, financial crisis and the broken society. In came a call from professional northerner and old git Sam Strongitharm (Ah says what ah like an’ ah likes what ah says) who opened by announcing that the was a retired coal miner.

And what do you want to talk about,” the presenter coaxed him, not that coaxing was needed.

“Ah’m eighat-ty wun years owd an fer t’ last fifty years ah’ve watched this country gooin’ t’t’ dogs,” he told the world – or the few dozen of us tuned in at something after midnight.

“What do you think has caused that, Sam?” the chirpily patronising presenter asked.

“Ah’ll tell thee exactly whuts caused it,” belligered the unpatronisable Sam, it a’ started when we let them niggers and pakis in …………………………………………………

There was stunned silence.

Somewhere in the distance a lone churchbell tolled a funereal knell.

The industrial landscape became a desert of Ozymandias proportions, boundless and bare.

A keening wind blew tumbleweed across the window of the mind…

And then as the presenter floundered we started giggling hysterically.

More humour every day from Boggart Blog

and more bad taste with another old git (a fictional one this time.)

Sir Hector Gobbett-Broadsides on Child Labour The veteran MP for Rawtenborough says the return of child labour is the way out of the financial crisis.

Sir Hector Gobbett-Broadsides on the Energy Crisis Sir Hector unveils a plan to service the world’s need for clean, sustainable energy by putting unwanted children to work on treadmills.

42 Days To Grow A Beard

There are people out there who think Boggart Blog is written by a bunch of anarchistic subversives who are soft on terror, soft on the causes of terror. Such slurs and other accusations that we are out to undermine the fabric of society are unfounded. We are as devoted to the rule of law as the next man, provided the next man is Osama Bin Laden.

But it has to be said Boggart Blog has consistently supported the Government in its war on terror, we have even highlighted the root cause of terror in British society, beards.

In keeping with our firm stance on beards we wish to state our full support for the government in their efforts to clamp down on beards, particularly the manufacture of beards by covert terrorist cells. It was we who dubbed the anti-terror law the I Don’t Like The Look Of You (IDLTLOY) law. We support those ministers calling for police to be given the power to bang up for 42 days without charges being laid, anybody they don’t like the look of or think might be involved in making beards, concealing beards, conspiring to make beards or who is in possession of equipment that could be used in the making of beards.

Locked in a cell for 42 days without shaving equipment, even the most cunning terrorist could not conceal the fact that he was capable of manufacturing a beard.

Do not be misled by liberals bleating about loss of civil liberties. We must never underestimate the threat posed to our democracy by beards of evil intent. Beards spread fear and panic among impressionable Daily Mail Readers and people who use them to achieve political aims cannot be tolerated.

Spread the word, but remember beards have ears. Be vigilant, watch out there’s a beard about. Britain is at war, support 42 days and shave for victory.

Allied forces neutralise beards of terror in Afghanistan. moreon the importance of controlling beards in the war on terror.