Government Promoting Google’s Wankermobile?

google wankermobile
Google’s fully automatic wankermobile.

UK government plan to raise motorway speeding fines to £10,000 causes ructions.

The maximum fine for speeding on the motorway is to be quadrupled to £10,000 as part of sweeping reforms to the penalties which can be imposed by magistrates, the Government has announced.

Other fines for breaking the limit on dual carriageways and other roads will also increase four-fold from £1,000 to £4,000, along with the maximum fine for using a mobile telephone at the wheel.

Motoring groups condemned the massive increases as “draconian” and warned they could deter innocent motorists from challenging speeding tickets in the court through fear that they could be hit with crippling penalties.

Some people are rejoicing at this move saying it will improve road safety although while the poor bloody car driver always gets the blame, statistics show that more than half of the deaths on the road are down to jaywalking or drunk pedestrians.

There is a possibility of course that the government has an ulterior motive. Is it possible that the Google nerds have bribed Cammers and Gideon to harass car driver and tax us off the road as a way of promoting Google’s Self Driving Wankermobile, the mobility scooter with a roof that will be driven via the internet by a computer program so the kind of anally retentive nerds who might think such a vehicle is “kewl” will be able to have a wank while being transported to their destination at 5 mph.

When you start joining the dots it all becomes clear.

Oh, and if you think I’m joking;
Profits from parking fines rise to £350 million

Environment Minister Resigns. Environment Shouts ‘There Is A God’

Liberal Democrat Chris Huhne resigned this morning from his role as Energy Secretary after being charged alongside his ex-wife Vicky Pryce with perverting the course of justice over speeding cover-up allegations. Mr Huhne and Miss Pryce have both been charged with the same offence after Miss Pryce allgeged that he asked her to take speeding points on his behalf. They will appear before Westminster Magistrates Court on February 16th.

The pair now face the prospect of a criminal trial over allegations that they conspired to pervert the course of justice. The offence carries a maximum life sentence.

This morning, soon after the charges were announced by the Criminal Prosecution Service (CPS), Mr Huhne resigned his Cabinet position. He told the press after his announcement: “I am innocent of these charges and I intend to fight them in the courts and I am confident a jury will agree. So as to avoid any distratction to my official duties or my trial defence, I am standing down as Energy and Climate Change Secretary. I will of course continue to serve my constituents in Eastleigh. That is all I have to say.” If found guilty and given a jail sentence Mr. Huhne will have to reliquish his Parliamentary seat.

The alleged offence is said to have taken place in March 2003 and is unlikely to have ever come to the attention of the police had Miss Pryce, who separated from Mr Huhne in 2010, not made allegations in a Sunday newspaper last year.

She told the Sunday Times that Mr Huhne had asked someone “close to him” to take the points so he could avoid a driving ban. It later emerged she was apparently referring to herself.

While Huhne continues to protest his innocence no date will be set for the by election in his consituency. Boggart Blog sympathises with the former ministers perdicament even though we have pilloried him mercilessly for his zealot’s belief in the efficacy of wind turbinesand his determination to plant a forest of these monstrosities on every beautiful upland landscape in Britain. To show we have no hard feelings towards him we have sent Mr. Huhne a copy of Oscar Wilde’s “The Ballad Of Reading Gaol

Guardian Readers Are The New Daily Mail Readers.

We’ve all gone matey matey now and the coalition means we can’t take the piss out of Conservative voting NIMBYS and people who’re not as posh as they think they are. Even some of the old tribal hatreds that gave us so much pleasure have had to be laid aside. An example is our attitude to Daily Mail readers.

While it is not yet compulsory to love Daily Mail readers we are, in the spirit of national unity, required to we are required to acknowledge they’re entitled to their opinion even if the opinion holds that watching Channel 4 gives you cancer.

Every society. every culture and sub culture needs a hate symbol however (and for Daily Mail readers it’s Romanian gypsy social workers) so having to be comradely to our Daily Mail reading brethren and sistren created a vacuum in the lives of us long time Liberals.

No worries, Deputy Prime Minister and deputy leader of the Lib Dems Nick Clegg decided he should consult Joe Public about what hateful authoritarian New Labour laws ought to be repealed. There were many interesting suggestions: Laws that favour women, speeding laws, the human rights act, parking laws, all health and safety laws, anything related to the EU and the fox hunting ban. So most of the people who are listening to Nick are Top Gear fans or Daily Mail readers. Not all however…

Some respondents wanted to scrap anti – smoking laws, now that one did not come from Daily Mail readers, smoking is linked to cancer and the Daily Mail is as strongly opposed to cancer as it is to Guardian readers, young people, wind turbines and Romanian gypsies in everyone’s back yard.

Another suggestion that seemed to resonate with 90% of visitors to the website, Daily Mail readers included, was that Nick Clegg and his people should campaign to scrap every law that socialists and Guardian Readers think is a good idea.

If this is a sign of things to come I’m glad I’m not a Guardian Reader any more.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Poles Driving The Paddy Wagon.

News of how police in the Irish Republic finally caught up with the country’s most reckless driver have emerged, the Irish Times reports.

Prawo Jazdy had been wanted from counties Cork to Cavan after racking up scores of speeding tickets and parking fines. However, each time the serial offender was stopped he managed to evade justice by giving a different address.

But then his cover was blown. It was discovered that “Prawo Jazdy” is actually Polish for “driving licence” and not the first and surname on the licence. The Garda computer system has created Prawo Jazdy as a person with over 50 identities.”

More humour every day from Boggart Blog

The Rectum Stretcher

Nothing from me today but a belly laugh from one of my American readers at gather.com

While she was “flying”down the road yesterday (20 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a highway patrolman with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The patrolman pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that
classic patronizing smirk we all know and hate, asked,

“What’s your hurry?”

She replied, “I’m late for work.”

“Oh yeah,” said the patrolman, “what do you do?”

“I’m a rectum stretcher ,” she responded.

The patrolman stammered, “A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”

“Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”

“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?” the cop asked.

“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.”

RESULT
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Patrolman’s Face….PRICELESS

MORE humour every day from Boggart Blog

The Ladder of Expense

It is not often my town has news sensational enough to make the front page of Boggart Blog, but I feel this story will put us in the running for a Pulitzer Prize.
It concerns our old friends, The Health and Safety Executive. Not so long ago Accrington suffered a plague of Gatsos. Most of these were placed where a few mph over the limit would not endanger anybody, but where a downward gradient steepened sharply or where only the most dangerous and irresponsible drivers would be watching the needle instead of keeping their attention 100% on the very real hazards created by the council’s “traffic engineers.”
Thanks to the tireless campaingning of a group of motorists led by an intelligent and gifted man modesty forbids me from naming, the cameras were eventually removed and thousands of outstanding tickets dropped.

RESULT!

But anxious to avoid being seen as having admitted they were wrong, the authority bought a number of automatic speed indicators to warn motorists to slow down. The poles on which these were to be erected were installed, but as yet, no speed indicators. Why? Well thanks to the boneheaded regulations of the Health and Safety Executive the devices can only be installed on the oles by people who have been properly trained to climb ladders.

If there guys need to be trained to climb ladders how much chance is there of them installing delicate electronic devices properly.

The return of IDLTLOY law

After reflecting on Blair’s comments about summary justice and that populist nonesense about skewing the criminal justice system towards the victim we bloggers of the bog think it is time for action.
Never mind photo op generating, headline grabbing platitudes; what about skewing the criminal justice system towards catching people who have done very bad things and making sure they don’t go out and do it again.
After all, we know that talk of summary justice simply means people will be convicted because a bureaucrat thinks “I Don’t Like The Look Of You matey – boy, you’re going down.
Such simplification of criminal law would of course leave the police more free time to get on with really important stuff like sending out speeding summonses, writing parking tickets and banging up old ladies for not paying council tax.