Shit for hair has gone

I haven’t been taking much notice of the X Factor this year, even the nutters in the early auditions were lacklustre. Despite my lack of attention however I was vaguely aware there was a bloke who looked like an elephant had shat on his head who was pissing everybody off.

“Why does Gary Barlow keep saying he’s good, everyone knows he’s crap from his silly trousers to the top of his crappy haircut,” I head one caller on a radio show say. Let’s be honest about Frankie for such is his name, take away his silly trousers and silly haircut and there wasn’t anything else. It’s true, Frankie has an ego the size of a supernova and a talent the size of a tic turd.

As for Gary Barlow, we all know the fat dancer from Take That as Liam Gallager once described him has become something of a national treasure but let us not forget he did begin his career in the same boy band as Robbie effin Williams, the only man on the planet who could make Z Factor Frankie look talented. The controversy in the tabloids now will of course centre on the question, did he jump or was he pushed?

Boggart Blog can exclusively reveal, Frankie was pushed so hard the hand prints of the pusher are imprinted on his back. And whose hands fit those prints?

Simon Cowell’s of course.

Cavemen and Coppers

I decided to take a break from the quality news sites today and look at mid market tabloids instead. A rewarding exercise it was too.

Thae Daily Mail ran a story about how cavemen were better parents than their modern counterparts and asks how this could be.

Simples:

(a) Cavemen did not have to compete with negative role models such as Katie Price and Wayne Rooney who are looked up to by modrern kids thanks to the efforts of papers like The Daily Mail.

(b)Cavemen could administer a quick slap if the kids were being little shits without fear of ending up in prison.

(c)Cavemen did not have to contend with pokenose social workers.

(d)Jamie fucking Oliver did not know how to cook Manmmoh steak.

(e)There was no school system run by Marxists and dedicated to filling pupils little heads with bullshit about rights, tolerance and equality. Those who would not listen to their parents learned the hard way that Sabre Toothed Tigers are not tolerant and do not respect the rights of anything unless it is bigger and stronger.

In short Cavemen could look after their kids in practical ways while teaching them the realities of life such as, “If you see any of those flatheads from across the river kill them, they’re bastards and if they get over here they’ll be seducing our women, drinking our mushroon juice and taking our flints before you can say “Gronk.”

It may not be politically correct but they survived.

Meanwhile in the Express the lead story falls into the “Utterly gobsmacking scientific breakthrough of the week” category.

Scientists have found out that talking to yourself is actually a good thing.

Right so.

It’s when you have an argument with yourself and send yourself to Coventry you need professional help.

Spooky Or What?

Ever get that feeling that some things are more than coincidences?
One thing happens that’s a bit odd, then another and when the third one shows up there you are looking over your shoulder and thinking “Is there something going on here?”

Remember ‘The Crossbow Cannibal’, as he called himself, the chap from Bradford who’d been killing prostitutes and then cutting up the bodies and scopping them in the river? He was a former pupil at BBC’s old school.

Private education you see, gives you a better class of serial killer.

It also appears to give you a better class of slapper.

The little hottie whose been keeping Ashley Cole company, along with her bestest friend, is an old girl from SezJez’s former place of education.
Apparently Elle was already preparing herself for a career in the tabloids by being pictured flashing her tits in Nuts magazine when she was only 14!!! and then, a year later, sending an intimate video of herself and a Rabbit – not the fluffy, floppy-eared kind I hasten to add – to a boyfriend’s mobile, which subsequently was pinged around the teenage male population of South Yorkshire, as BBC will confirm!

But it doesn’t stop there, it was reported this week that two infant children took an airgun into their village school in rural Northamptonshire, firing it in the playground and injuring five pupils.

Guess which village school BBC and SezJez used to attend…

Back To Basics

So That’s Where I Where I Went Wrong!

Katie Price, aka Jordon, glamour model, horsewoman, celebrity, business woman, author, mother and all round slapper has been shortlisted for the Celebrity Mum of the Year.

Since the spring the screaming red tops have carried an incessant stream of front page stories concerning Katie’s lurid private life, even managing to make the front page the day Wacko Jacko’s death was reported.
She has been photographed flashing her tits at the photographers; lying all but naked on her back with an oiled cage fighter in between her legs; pissed as a fart on her hotel balcony, in various nightclubs, on the beach and in a jacuzzi.

She has left her husband and then released an alternate cascade of invective and declarations of her love for him.

From what I can gather she has effectively abandoned her children to her ex’s care whilst she has had a rollicking good time slappin’ around the Med. (But I could be wrong this is only the impression I picked up from brief glances at the frontpages, could be she has stayed chastely at home, crying herself to sleep everynight as she sits curled on her sofa in her wincy pyjamas, a cup of horlicks to hand and the baby alarm by her side so she can dash to comfort her poor deserted children at the merest sign of unrest.)

Celebrity Mum of the year?

Should be a shoo-in.

If….

If you can keep your head, while all around are losing their’s….

Yes, the Screaming Redtops have brought a sense of perspective back to the outrage pandemic that has been fuelled by The Telegraph’s lurid revelations of naked greed and money lust apparently inherent in Parliament.

Whilst the Sun and The Mirror were much more interested in Jordan and Peter Andre’s bust up, pardon the pun, The Daily Sport bragged that it had “30 times more boobs than The Sun and The Star” put together probably, but, obviously judging the mood of the average blue collar worker, filled it’s front page with a bevy of bikini clad beauties under the headline:
HOLLYOAKS BABES STRIP OFF

Scandal, what scandal?

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