Still on the subject of Ukraine – meet Barbieboushka

Ukranian model Valeria Lukyanova is a real person. you may find this hard to believe when you see the picture below, but honestly she is.

My wife is a big fan of a late night TV show called bodyshocks, in which ex model Katie Piper who was the target of an acid attack and has had to undergo many operations to rebuild her face, talks to people about cosmetic surgery disasters, faces and other body bits ruined not by violence but by that futile quest for physical perfection that obsesses so many young people these days.

Katie deals very sympathetically with cases where cosmetic surgery has gone wrong or highly visible but highly misguided tattoos. But the results of cosmetic surgery that has gone right can be just as insane.

Valeria Lukyanova - barbiesboushka?
Picture: Valeria Lukyanova. Source kwikwee.com

Just one question. WTF was she thinking?
The same thing perhaps as the deluded revolutionaries in Ukraine, Egypt, Yemem and Syria who believed Obama would actually help them in more substantial ways than by making a speech.

In fact Valeria believes she is an alien and can live on light and air. Which explains a lot and answers for us a question relating to the insanity of the new rulers of western Ukraine who believe they can win a fight with Russia.

The entire country is insane.

Cheryl’s Arse

Big story today is undoubtedly Cheryl Cole’s tattoo. The Girls Aloud singer and erstwhile X Factor judge has had a bunch of roses tattooed across her arse cheeks. The image starts around the level of her lower ribs and extends to the thighs.

The question is, what can be behind this stunt. Is Cheryl trying to resurrect her career which has been a bit necrotic recently, is she launching a new range of exotic underwear or is the lady trying to tell us she’s so fragrant her farts smell of roses. See for yourselves …

Cheryl Colee's arse showing the rose tattoo

An unintended consequence for Cheryl may be that she will find men reluctant to give her a rim, job for fear of encountering thorns.

Yahoo news – Cheryl Cole tattoo

Stupid Criminal Of The Week: Eye, eye, eye, You’re nicked.

For anybody contemplating a career in petty crime distinguishing marks are a positive disadvantage. Harry Potter, with his zig zag scar, would be a lousy criminal. Goldie with his gold teeth likewise. Birthmarks likewise are a no – no. And anybody who made their living as a theief or mugger would have to be an idiot to get a facial tattoo you might think.

Tattoos are for some a way to express their personality and individuality. They say, “This is who I am.” They do not say, “It wasn’t me hossifer, I was nowhere near here.”

Anyone with any common sense would understand this. Which may lead you to certain conclusions about mugger Ronald Morris Walsh, a 35-year-old homeless man in Orlando, Florida, who was charged with assault for an attack on Milton McKnight on June 13.

Police say Walsh hit McKnight, a disabled man who suffers from cerebral palsy, shoved a cigarette down his throat and took his cash . As a fixture in downtown Orlando for more than 20 years, McKnight is known as an unofficial ambassador who’s sold sodas with an upbeat attitude to pedestrians, according to WHP-TV.

Police said Walsh was fairly easy to identify thanks to the third eye tattoo on his forehead.

eye-eye-eye
Eye, eye, eye, We’d like to ‘ave a word down at the station my lad

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Stupid Criminal Of The Week: Eye, eye, eye, You’re nicked.

For anybody contemplating a career in petty crime distinguishing marks are a positive disadvantage. Harry Potter, with his zig zag scar, would be a lousy criminal. Goldie with his gold teeth likewise. Birthmarks likewise are a no – no. And anybody who made their living as a theief or mugger would have to be an idiot to get a facial tattoo you might think.

Tattoos are for some a way to express their personality and individuality. They say, “This is who I am.” They do not say, “It wasn’t me hossifer, I was nowhere near here.”

Anyone with any common sense would understand this. Which may lead you to certain conclusions about mugger Ronald Morris Walsh, a 35-year-old homeless man in Orlando, Florida, who was charged with assault for an attack on Milton McKnight on June 13.

Police say Walsh hit McKnight, a disabled man who suffers from cerebral palsy, shoved a cigarette down his throat and took his cash . As a fixture in downtown Orlando for more than 20 years, McKnight is known as an unofficial ambassador who’s sold sodas with an upbeat attitude to pedestrians, according to WHP-TV.

Police said Walsh was fairly easy to identify thanks to the third eye tattoo on his forehead.

eye-eye-eye
Eye, eye, eye, We’d like to ‘ave a word down at the station my lad

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A Bit Of An Arse

A chap from Norfolk auctioned off space on his bum in aid of St Helena Hospice.

Jack Gargrave started off with the phrase, “I love….” and asked bidders to complete the sentence, just like those competition tie breakers.

The winning bid was “I love the pedestrianisation of Norwich City centre.” which Jack duly had tattooed on one cheek.

They got all that on one cheek, that must be some arse on the boy.

Teeth and Tattoos

Daytime TV presenter Jeremy Kyle who hosts the “Laugh at the Dysfunctional Pikey” morning slot has earned himself a primetime gig fronting a game show.

In an effort to distance himself from the “freakshow” front man image Jeremy has laid down stringent condistions for people wanting to be contestants on his new vehicle.

They must have more teeth than a bicycle has wheels and less facial tattoos than a spider has legs.

That’s A Big Wrist

According to today’s Currant Bun, Daniella Westbrook, former soap star and coke sniffer, yes she of the reconstructed septum, is now a born again Christian and has had a bible verse tattooed on her wrist.

The bible verse in question is Isiah 54:17 which reads:

“No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgement thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord and their righteousness is to me, saith the Lord.”

Well call me cynical but that’s got to be one helluva wrist to fit all that on…..

unless, of course, the tatto just says

“Isiah 54:17”

What kind of people are breeding out there?

I’ve had a very sore shoulder this week which has meant a lot of sitting around. As my wife is a television addict sitting around with her means I see some very strange things.

One of the strangest popped up on the Jeremy Kyle show this morning.

No, not Jeremy himself, he’s strange but not Premier League strange.

The person I’m talking about, a young man who introduced himself as ‘mad dog’ athough he looked to be about six and a half stone wet through has had a dog’s face tattooed over his human(ish) features.

If you recall Young Kenny the character in Peter Kay’s Phoenix Nights who had a Tiger fasce sprayed on but used car paint sprays instead of face pain, the effect was similar but a lot less professional.

But this is not facepain or even car spray which would wear off eventually, the guy had had it tatooed on. Like with non tattoo ink pushed under his skin with a needle. And it looks shite, (have to say though it’s a pity he couldn’t afford surgery to get a set of long, floppy ears attatched.)

It could be a ruse of course to beat the coalition’s plans to get the long term unemployed into jobs, who is going to employ a guy with a cold, wet, black nose. I’m exaggerating, his nose was not cold and wet but the tip of it was black. Anyway he thought the look was cool. Obviously he has not understood that old age is not an option.

Oh sorry, I almost forgot to mention the most thrilling part. Mad dog has never had a job. We, you and me, paid for his tattoo.

And there’s worse, he is a father.

What kind of people are we allowing to breed out there? One day there might be more of them than us.

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Happy Willy Story or Is That An Iguana In Your Pocket…

A treat for you chaps this Monday. I couldn’t find a scary willy story but I did come across something that could very probably have started life as a Mike Harding joke.

A chap was up in court accused of flashing a female guard on a train.

The chap claimed he didn’t do it, obviously.

His barister asked the lady in question if she could describe the offending member.
The lady said it was just a willy, flesh coloured about, that long, you know, a willy.

The barister then declared that the offending appendage could not have been the one belonging to his client, as his client’s willy sports a tattoo of a lizard, (sometimes, it has to be admitted, a newt, and other times an iguana, depending on the company he’s keeping,) and that his client was willing to show the court should they so desire.

Case dismissed!.

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