The Surly Northerner vs The Smarmy Southerner

Owners of a tea room in Keswick, Cumbria, which has been criticised for being unfriendly have rejected the criticisms of the southern wusses who posted reviews on Trip Adviser. To be fair these reviewers were probably not generic southerners but effete metrosexual luxury loving leftie luvvies from leafy London suburbs (Wednesday is labials day on Boggart Blog) like Hampstead or Islington.

Owners of The Temporary Measure tea room hit back at the reviewers by saying they only appear grumpy because they are northerners and do not require staff to indulge in that phoney, gushy friendliness London restaurants demand of their staff.

Now come on, let’s get this in perspective, we are talking about Californian falseness here, people gushing friendly to strangers does not come any more naturally to people in the south of England that in the north.

I know plenty of southerners who on being commanded to “enjoy your happy-krappy-mocha-chokka-jabbalokka-latte” by some poor kid with a permagrin have wanted to say “how can anyone enjoy this chemically adulterated shite?”

And I know one inhabitant of Berkshire who on hearing “We hope you enjoyed your lunch at SLOPS” (not the real name of the place) couldn’t take the falseness any more and retorted, “Do you? Do you actually care? Or are you just fishing for a tip. Because I think if you cared you would not work here serving this crap.”

To which the gobsmacked “server” had to reply, “Thank you, have a nice day.”

My bother has a branch of his business in Keswick and I am familiar with The Temporary Measure. It serves tea that tastes like tea, coffee that tastes like coffee and delicious snacks And best of all, staff who don’t treat me as if I am a lifelong friend but do their job politely and efficiently.

I like to be asked “Are you ready to order,” rather than “Have you any emotional problems you’d like to discuss.”

Emma Smalley, who runs the tea room, has defended her business against the criticisms aimed mainly at her brother John,who also works there, saying it is down to him having a typical surly northern demeanour. Cumbrians do. It is because their ancestors spent a few hundred generations out of the fells in freezing winds and pissing rain minding sheep. Samll talk is not their thing.

Emma said 24-year-old John simply does not possess a “sunny disposition” and described him as a moody musician.

“He’s not mean or patronizing or aggressive, he’s just quiet,” she wrote in response to one review. Good for her, if people want to meet Stepford Wives stereotypes they should go to California. You can get your arse kissed there but you can’t get a decent cup of tea.

Sawney Bean
‘ee were such a lovely corpse

Three More Shades Of Grey

I know it’s a bit old hat now, what with J.K. Rowlings’ first adult novel, whoops, that should have been ‘novel for adults’ hitting the shelves this week, but on opening my latest packet of tea I was caught pondering just how far the insidious fingers of Fifty Shades of Gray had actually penetrated.

Certainly into my tea packet, for their on the second layer of cardboard you have to breach before reaching the actual tea, was an advert for two new shades of grey,Lady Grey and Summer Grey to go along with the old Earl Grey.

Anastassia inhaled the slightly scented fragrance of the Earl,she drew the aroma into her lungs, her nostrils flaring so slightly, her eyelids fluttering as her pupils dilated at the long anticipated pleasure. She took the silver spoon, running the pink tip of her tongue along the cold, shining length, before gently lowering it towards the Earl. She gasped slightly as the silver probe slipped into the hot liquid, gently cupping the Earl’s bag in its rounded end. She flexed the fingers of her other hand and lowered them towards the rising pouch, reaching out and pressing, caressing the steaming package. Tenderly she held the tea bag between her perfectly manicured fingers, then gently released it into the sink, where it fell with a soft, wet, “plop.” She raised her red- nailed finger to her mouth, parting her moist lips, barely able to control the longing that surged through her toned young body, finally taking the wet finger in her mouth and sucking the delicious Earl Grey off into the very recess of her soul, breathing harder, gasping in pleasure as the scent and the taste filled her…

The Earl strode into the kitchen and paused, quite taken by the sight of Anastassia making a cup of tea. His eyes drank in the beauty radiating from her like sunshine on a summer’s day. Indeed he often thought of her as “Summer Grey”, strong yet delicate, like fine porcelain, but with a hidden zest. How he longed to slake his thirst for her by bringing her to his lips and tasting the lemony dew of her tongue, holding her slender body close to his as he sipped at her wonderful infusion.

The dowager Lady Grey, sat erect in the stiff backed armchair next to the open window. A gentle breeze ruffled the soft white hair that framed her still exquisite face. She leaned towards the table, her pale breasts pushing against the fine silk of her blouse, her hand trembling slightly as she took hold of the silver tea-pot. She felt her breathing thicken and a faint beading of sweat glistened at her temples. Her hand tightened on the tea-pot handle, she closed her eyes and gritted her teeth slightly, her mind centred entirely on bringing this to a climax. She gripped harder, leaning back slightly, her breath held as she began to tilt the pot towards the waiting lip of the cup. With one final, small, movement of her hand she felt the liquid pouring out of the spout and filling the cup. She exhaled with pleasure, replacing the pot on the tray and leaning back as a deep feeling of satisfaction settled around her.

American ‘liberals are the most stupid people in the world … #1

The chorus of Obama-felching liberal idiots in the USA is nothing if not predictable. It was never going to be very long before they started to blame this week’s riots in London and elswhere on “white racists” and claim the rioters are not theiving scumbags and violent thugs, but political protestors with a genuine gievance against the racist society that denies them a decent life.

One prominent voice, a sociology professor at Chicago University whose name I think is Prof. Waddac Hunt* went so far as to say that the riots occurred because Britain has been taken over by “Tea Party values”.

I can’t for the life of me see any connection. Why would anybody get angry about being invited to drink a cup of Earl Grey and eat scones with clotted cream and excellent jam made by members of the local W.I?

What else could he have meant, the knuckle draggers, arsehones, dickheads anf fuckwits we saw on televiion have never even heard of America let alone the politics of the “Tea Party.”

*Waddac Hunt: Hat tip to one of Sally Dwyer’s facebook friends. I don’t know if he came up with the name himself but it is brilliant.

That Was No Lady, That Was The Countess

Quintessential posh bloke Stephen Fry is currently earning a crust by advertising tea bags. Nothing wrong with that of course, meaningful work stimulates the brain and even posh blokes need to eat so bearing in mind the price of caviar and truffles these days we say “go for it Stevie – boy.”
It would be nice however if Stephen, even while sullying himself with tawdry commerce, would demand the same exacting standards as he requires from his lower class panellists on QI.

The latest ad in the series is pushing a new, girlified version of Earl Grey tea branded as Lady Grey. Surely somebody born into society of the haughtiest particularity know that Earl Grey’s spouse should properly be addressed as Countess Grey.

Chill out Vicar

Soon you will be able to relieve your stress by brewing up with hash tea-bags.

An ice tea containing cannabis extract is going on sale in the UK. C-Ice Swiss Cannabis Ice Tea is being marketed for its health benefits and all
narcotic elements of the plant have been removed to make it legal.
Davis Raynes, at the National Drug Prevential Alliance UK, attacked the sale of the drink as “a normalisation of cannabis as an image in young people’s minds”. C-Ice is produced by an Austrian company which uses hemp grown in Switzerland.

More tea Vicar – and another Mars Bar maybe?