Conspiracy Theory Bloggers To Blame For Terrorism, Debt Crisis, Smelly Farts and everything – official.

The corporate – financial cartel controlled media is now claiming Boston Bomber Tamerlan was influenced by online conspiracy sites.

Let’s not go anywhere close to anything that might bemall a s part of the truth or raise even the teeniest hint of a slight possibility that there may be just a smidgin of anger involved over daily news stories of his fellow Muslims, including innocent woman and children, being slaughtered by endless drone strikes. Unmanned drones are more provocative to a mindset that is still driven by honour, vengeance and tribal loyalty. A man with an AK47 can shoot at a bomber plane. He will not hit the pilot but he might feel better. But a drone is seen as a cowardly weapon because its pilot is hundreds, maybe thousands of miles away.

Using drones as the main strike weapon is bound to provoke terror attacks.

And of course neither this nor any other terrorist attack on the USA or its interests could possibly have anything to do with the unequivocal support for Israel despite repeated documented war crimes and with hundreds of UN resolutisons against Israel being blocked by a single veto vote – The United States.

But what of these ‘conspiracy websites’. Well Boggart Blog is not one although we try our best and have actually made it onto a couple of the nuttier hate lists which publish conspiracy theories about how politically incorrect blogs are all funded by Big Koch. But how are conspiracy sites to blame? Did Jeff Rense, What Really Happened, David Icke, Steve Quayle, Activists Post, Before It’s News or conspiracy forums like Above Top Secret radicalise the Chechen boys? Did they publish reams of Jihadist propaganda. Did Dick Puddlecote Anna Raccoon or Guido Fawkes promise 72 virgin houri to martyrs? Did Obnoxio The Clown describe Barack Obama and his government as ‘cunts’? (Obnoxio describes everyone as cunts.) How did American and British liberatrian bloggers who often complain about the Islamisation of our societies influence a couple of nutters to Bomb the Boston marathon?
Or was it that those bloggers and web publishers who refuse to be told what they can and cannot discuss are pissing of the corporate – financial cartel because while nobody trusts mainstream media, politicians, scientists, lawyers or anybody who claims authority any more, bloggers get people thinking and talking.

So there you have it, none of the United States actions that Muslims perceive as attacks against Islam are to blame for terrorism. Oh no, it’s those nasty Conspiracy Theory bloggers, it’s all their fault. The American government and mainstream media are not paranoid, only a nutty right wing conspiracy theorist would say they are.

UNRELATED POST (I need a link):
Fitness Fanatic’s Blues

RELATED POSTS:
Conspiracy: how the banksters plan to control your cash

Is That An Offensive Weapon Or Are You Just Pleased To See Me?

A passenger at San Francisco airport was subjected to a “thorough search” after security personnel noted a long protruberance down his left thigh, which they assumed to be an offensive weapon.

The search revealed that Mr. Jonah Falcon was not a nascent terrorist but merely the owner of the world’s largest penis.

Mr. Falcon explained, “I had my stuff strapped to my left thigh. One of the guards asked if my pockets were empty and I said ‘Yes It’s my dick.'”

Whilst well endowed in certain departments it is obvious that Mr. Falcon is not a master of one line put downs.

Osama bin Laden planned to bomb ‘Easter shoppers’?

by Ed Butt

Boggart blog has signed Osame bin Laden to our artistes’ management company and Ian is busy working now on the videos that will launch ‘Sammy’ (as he wishes to be known in future) on the comedy circuit.

Today’s news report comes from our sceptical reporting desk.

In the latest attempt to convince a sceptical world that the man who (allegedly) is the first perfect human being in 2000 years did something really miraculous in personally leading a team of US Navy Seals to a run down apartment in Pakiskan where they killed an elderly man who looked a bit, but not much like the world’s most wanted terrorist, Osama bin Laden, The Obama Administration lie machine information department is putting out bogus intelligence.

In the latest snippet of fear and panic generating fiction released to British Intelligence, information contained in computer files seized by US special forces bin Laden was masterminding a plan to bomb Easter shoppers in Britain.

Easter shoppers? It’s understandable that a man who has been dead as long as Osama bin Laden (died sometime between 2002 and 2006) was out of touch but Easter shopping in Britain? At Easter we all pile in our , announcing a trip to the coast or countryside and spend a day sitting in a tailback on our gridlocked motorways system.

Any attempt to blow up cars in the tailbacks would be futile because holdups are caused by contra flow systems introduced to allow for road maintenance. The Road Transport authority employs crack squads of undercover traffic engineers (far more effective than undercover security agents) to move the contra flows so motorists can never predict where they are and head for another destination or avoid them by taking an alternative route.

No worries. the information that has been passed to our government on the instructions of Barack Hussein Obama, the man who tells God what to do. It is some of the first top-secret intelligence to have been passed back from the bin Laden operation, according to senior Government sources. We should feel honoured.

So how real was the threat?

The Manchester based terrorist cell suspected on the strength of the bin Laden data of plotting to blow up landmarks in the city during this years’ (2011) Easter holiday was broken and its members arrested in 2009. Police were unable to press charges however because of a lack of evidence and their treatment of the suspects at the time, which violated British and international law became a cause célèbre for MPs, lawyers and human rights groups.

An attempt last year to deport the alleged ringleader of the plot then failed on human rights grounds because he claimed he would be tortured if he was returned to Pakistan. Most of the alleged cell members have now left Britain.

As readers can see this group posed a really serious threat to Easter shoppers in Manchester lasst month.

So it seems the CIA’s information was just a tad off target, (wonder who the Yanks really killed in Abbotabad?) as was the CIA’s claim to have detained ‘known suicide bombers’ a few years ago. Still, kudos to the CIA. Once again they have demonstrated that the phrase Military Intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

RELATED POSTS:

A Free Country For Suicide Bombers

I was simultaneously amused and alarmed to read today that an Alkie Ada (must stop calling them that now Gordon Brown is gone) terrorist, one of the “known suicide bombers” secuirity forces have somewhat confusingly spoken of in the past will not be deported to his homeland because the Foreign Office cannot guarntee his human rights will be respected.

For fucks sake what’s going on. What about our human right to go about our business without being blown to buggery by some mad foreign fucker.

Ah but for us to enjoy the freedom not to be blown up in terror attacks we would have to live in a free country. And we don’t as Old Holborn reminds us with Just For Fun inspired by a story from A P Herbert’s Misleading Cases.

RELATED POSTS:
Paranoid
Toner of Terror
America Concerned About Our Home Grown Terrorists
Terror Alert Level Raised – What Are They Trying To Cover Up Now?
Wikileaks: New Wave Suicide Bombers

News From The Air Strike

As the effects of the BA strike start to bit and the Easter holiday travel rush looms large we are not all that impressed by the pledge from BA senior managers that they will keep the planes, if not the Aspidistra, flying.

A BA spokesperson, Anna Pologgy, who asked not to be named, told Boggart Blog in an exclusive interview, “Obviously we regret any inconvenience or anxiety this strike causes our passengers but let’s be realistic, trolley dollies and camp cabin boys do not fly planes. We can fly without them, people flying to European destinations can manage without a meal or drink for a couple of hours without coming to any harm. All we have to do for passengers on long haul flights is get ground staff who work for contractors to stock the planes with snacks and soft drinks and let passengers help themselves from the galleys.

We put it to the spokesperson that there was a strong likelihood passengers helping themselves would have a bad outcome.

“Nonsense,” she replied, “ situations like that are what bring British people together. The morning flight to Phuket took off three hours ago, they should be passing over the Red Sea just about now and I would bet they’re doing The Lambeth Walk in the aisles and having a great ti….”

And we break into that item to go to our news desk because there is a very big story just breaking.

Yes, thank you very much indeed, we are in fact hearing some very worrying news. Initial reports are saying the British Airways morning flight to Phuket will be making an emergency landing in Dubai. It is feared there has been some kind of terrorist action on board the 747. Wait … we are getting an update on that now … the latest news is that there has been an incident on the aircraft but terrorists were not involved. We are learning now this was the first BA long haul flight with strike breaking serve – yourself catering arrangements. What appears to have caused the problem is as passengers were helping themselves to drinks and sandwiches a fight broke out passengers in economy found while they only had Spam or cheese and branston sandwiches those in Business and First Class had smoked salmon bagels, roast pheasant wraps and Kobe beef baguettes.

Improvised Explosive Pies

Boggart Blog prides itself on being first to bring you news of the latest developments in the food of terror war currently being waged by our gallant security forces on the purveyors of exploding gravy, dangerous cheese, corrosive sauce and sausages of mass destruction. Now we must warn you of a new threat to arrive in Britain from the frontline in the war on terror where improvised explosive devices have wreaked havoc. The wily terrorists, realising that a bomb disguised in an empty McDonalds carton would attract little attention when placed at a British roadside (except in Surrey where a McDonalds carton in the road would reduce property valued by 25%) but that an Improvised Explosive Device disguised as a pie would find its way into many homes.

The terrorists have now developed the Improvised Explosive Pie.
Our informants tell us Mr Kipling’s fruit pies were tried first but the sweet pastry was too crumbly to contain the explosion effectively enough to cause a destructive shockwave when the crust gave way. Much more effective results have been obtained with Holland’s Meat Pies and Melton Mowbray Pork Pies however and now the weapons based on these designs are being deployed by terrorists in Britain.

We have received news of a pie related terrorist incident in Huddersfield, W. Yorks when a pie of terror exploded in a pie factory. There were casualties.

A spokesman for West Yorkshire police anti – pie squad offered this advice to the public:

“Only one pie exploded which means there will be a lot more out there. People should report suspicious looking pies to their local police station or to an Army Pie Disposal Unit via the Home Office Pies Of Terror hotline.

A Downing Street press officer told our newsdesk “David Cameron has the clap and George Observe is a shirt lifter” but later withdrew those slanderous accusations and said:

“Terrorists are becoming more sophisticated. They know they only need successfully detonate a few Improvised Explosive Pies in order to to generate widespread Fear and Panic and disrupt business and commerce. The public should be on their guard but not jump to conclusions. Ginsters Pasties for example, look very suspicious but pose no real threat to public safety. Do not waste security forces time by reporting them.”

RELATED POSTS
Will Pastygate Bring Down The Government?

AND AT GREENTEETH MULTI MEDIA

THE DAILY STIRRER

Latest archive selection now online: Boggart Blog Select vol 5

and don’t forget all the other Greenteeth Multi Media pages…
Greenteth Multi Media
bogboggart
Greenteeth Comedy Pages
A Tale Told By An Idiot

Fear and Panic and H.P. Sauce.

Those two fiery – eyed black horses that in ancient Greek myths pull the chariot of Greek war god Ares have galloped though Boggart Blog many times and today they are with us again in spirit if not in actuality. Phobos and Deimos or Fear and Panic in English do not work for an ancient pagan god now but for the dark forces of authoritarianism and their evil henchmen The Politically Correct Thought Police who use these mythical beasts to inflate trivial risks in our minds to the proportions of imminent catastrophe. Thus they persuade We The Punters into meekly surrendering age old liberties and hard won civil rights in the name of The War On Terror.

The war on Terror is no more a real war than Phobos and Deimos are real horses. What are real are the wars on individualism and common sense. It is not a new political ploy of course. In Shakespeare’s play Henry IV part 2 King Henry asks his son Prince Harry:

Therefore, my Harry,
Be it thy course to busy giddy minds
With foreign quarrels; that action, hence borne out,
May waste the memory of the former days

Fear and Panic. It worked then and it seems to be working now. All we have done is substitute the word terror for “foreign quarrels”. Brainwashed by scare stories or terrorist conspiracies spread by government and media we overreact grossly to the most trivial incidents.

The malaise has spread through all levels of society, even the security forces have succumbed. In 2007 we had armed police shooting an innocent Brazilian in the face seven times because he had slightly swathy skin and a shoulder bag that could have carried a binary liquid explosive but in fact carried his lunch. If the people charged with protecting society from “evil doors and people of Evelyn Tent” who can we rely on to protect the peace?

Well not the Police force obviously if an incident involving two of Londons’s finest reported in this week’s news is anything to go by. When a “potentially harmful substance” was thrown through the window of a patrol car at these two intrepid peacekeepers they called at once for medical assistance, were rushed to hospital, examined and treated. The substance was then analysed and found to be HP Sauce.

So what happened to normal human responses to being hit by something gooey and slimy? First the sense of smell ought to be called on: Does it smell like shit? No, bit vinegary and fruity maybe…OK so far . Next step is the sense of touch: Is it burning as a strong acid or alkaline would? No… OK so far. Next step is sight: Get a bit on the fingertip. Does it look dangerous? No … OK so far. Finally the truly brave person might risk employing the sense of taste and having dabbed the fingertip on the tongue ask: Does it taste like a new weapon of mass distraction developed by terrorists to kill us in our homes and places of work? No; it tastes like HP Sauce.

Conclusion: if it smells like HP Sauce, tastes like HP Sauce and looks like HP Sauce it probably is HP Sauce.

If you apply the common sense test in all situations you will not loose your grip on reality every time Phobias and Deimos gallop through your life.

FEAR AND PANIC are among us all the time along with suspicion, mistrust and paranoisa. Have a look at Ian’s comic poem You Just Can’t Be Too Paranoid and you’ll see what we mean.

UPDATED 23 Feb 2009
This is getting beyond a joke. Among the attacks on civil liberyies being attacked while we are distracted by Phobos and Deimos is our freedom of movement. The government’s ID cards scheme will enable the authorities to track our movements 23/4 in the interests of national security ( ID cards create second class citizens )This is not what we voted for

Updated 26 Feb 2009:
Hazel Blears says we must engage with extremists. What the Government must do is stop bigging up the terrorist threat in order to lubricate the passage of new laws aimed at shafting our right to privacy and our civil liberties. We the punters are saying to would be terrorists “Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough.” It’s the government who are cowering behind Whitehall’s security barriers.

The Government may spread fear and panic about terror when they want to erode our civil libertties but who is really looking after our Homeland Security
UPDATED 7 March 2009: As Plane Stupid protesters drench Peter Mandelson with custard in a protest against the Heathrow 3rd runway Ariane Sherine says schoolyard taunts are the best way to belittle the pompous.

Mentalist Of The Week.

There was a guy on breakfast television yesterday who has had his whole body tattooed with Tiger markings. Tattooed, you understand, no wussy face paint job for him, nothing that would wash off or even fade with time. Face and body tiger-striped all over. What is more he’s had cosmetic surgery to mouth and nose to give his face a more tigerlike aspect.

The man, let’s call him Tiger Man is an American and is in Britain on a promotional tour. Promoting what? you might well ask. Insanity is a strong possibility. He complained to Phillip Schofield, not perhaps the best choice of interviewer as he had trouble keeping his face straight when dealing with oddballs, that on arriving at Heathrow he had been detained by security for four hours although he had no criminal convictions and no terrorist connections. We think it was simply to give the boys on afternoon shift a chance to get a look. You can imagine the texts going out, “gt in a bit rly n brng mobile or cmcrdr, got a rite nutter here. Boyz down the pub wll never believe this.”

Tiger man’s best mate, who was with him, had had his face and body tattooed all over with yellow and green lizard scales. He had also had his toungue divided and insisted on demontrating lizard like tongue gymnastics to camera. Put me right off my Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes it did.
These people claim they are simply expressing their right to free expression. I say, and I know I’ve said it before, I’ll expect tp say it again too; When they closed down the mental hospitals and decided to let people like this loose, they had not really thought things through.

New humour every day from Boggart Blog

**************************************
As out hit count falls away its time to start the daily web grab again. here are some of the blogs we commented on today.

You Spin Me Round A witty observation from Iain Dale on the Labour Party Head Offices Music On Hold – and an even wittier comback from Boggart Blog

Naughtie Wishes Dems Good Luck BBC Radio 4 News jockey James Naughtie wished a leading US Democrat “Good Luck” Guido Fawkes sees this as a sign of BBC bias towards the Democrats in the US election. But maybe he was wishing them good luck with a much bigger issue – see the next item.

Obama Served With Elegibility Action Rumours about barak Obama not being a natural born Amertican and thus not elegibie to run for President have been around for some time. But now lawyer and foirmer State of Virginia District Attorney Phillip Berg has filed a suit calling for Obama to prove his elegibility. Interesting.

Convention of the living dead Journalists and bloggers who have drunk the Obama Kool Aid or been sucked into the maelstrom of hysteria are writing as if the election is over. It would be if the Democrats had a half competent candidate.

John McCain Look behind You Who is that looming threateningly over Johnny Mac like nemesis. No its not Barak Obama, its George W Bush

A Terror Suspect Called Paddington, 2008

Paddington Bear makes a return to the printed page in a new book by author Michael Bond.
In it Paddington copes with life in the 21st century in his inimicable way, leaving a trail of chaos and bemusement behind him.
But just think if Paddington was making his debut in the 21st century, rather than the gentler more trusting times of post-war Britain.

Mr. Brown and Ms. Black first met Paddington on a railway platform.
The Brown-blacks were there to meet their daughter who was coming home from a gap year. It was an excruciatingly hot summer day and once again the station air conditioning proved inadequate for the job.
Every time the sliding doors opened to allow the passage of the sweating herds of commuters, more sickeningly scented warm air wafted into the crowded platforms. The station was overflowing with all manner of people, young men with their shirts off, exposing pregnant looking midriffs whilst gesticulating with their beer cans, teenage girls exposing pregnant looking midriffs displaying a range of metal-ware around their belly buttons, harrassed parents screaming obscenities at the obnoxious, obscenity spouting offspring, every now and again a respectable looking person, keeping their head down and walking briskly, making eye contact with no one as they forged their way through the throngs.
Altogether there was so much noise that Mr. Brown had to tell his significant other three or four times before she understood.
“A bear?….On Paddington station? There can’t be, it’s probably a drug dealer or something.”
“But there is. I distinctly saw it, wearing a funny hat. Over there, behind those mailbags.”
They pushed their way through the crowds and Mr. Brown pointed towards a dark corner, “There I told you so.”
Ms. Black followed the direction of his pointing finger and could dimly make out a small furry object in the shadows. It was indeed wearing a peculiar hat and appeared to be sitting on a suitcase.
“I think we had better call security,” said Ms. Black. “It looks foreign and I dread to think what it may have in that bag. ”
The bear noticed the couple staring at it and stood up. It’s paw reached up towards it’s hat.
“Run” screamed Ms. Black, grabbing hold of Mr. Brown and Pulling him away. “It’s got something under its hat.”
Others on the station were shaken out of their own self interest by the scream. Some automatically followed the instruction, whilst others stood their, bemusedly trying to understand the meaning of the word ‘run’.
The bear began to approach the couple but he was too late, they had already turned and fled.
“Oh, dear,” said the bear, “I think I must have offended them,” and he took a marmalade sandwich out from beneath his hat and returned to his suitcase.

“Don’t move or we’ll fire” a voice crackled from somewhere near by. The bear slowly lowered the marmalade sandwich and stared, bewildered at the bristling barrels of a crack team of highly trained anti-terrorist police officers whom, he now noted, encircled him.
“He looks foreign to me, sir, we should shoot to kill!” shouted one of the officers.
“He’s got a bag, Sir. Could be a suicide bomber.” called another.
At this point Mr. Brown felt he really had to do something. The bear was very small and hadn’t actually done anything to warrant the attention it was now receiving.
“I say he’s only a little bear,” he ventured to the offficers cordoning off the area.
“He could have a bomb in that case,” the officer argued back.
“Yes and as this is a busy station he could have his clothes in that case,” retorted Mr. Brown beginning to feel quite angry.
The little bear sat quite still, the half eaten sandwich in his paw.
Words from his Aunt Lucy floated back to him, “When you get to England, don’t tell them you are South American!” she had sagely warned. However she had also counselled that he could say he was from Darkest Peru as GCSE geography no longer coverd the actual location of countries. The bear decided to bide his time, he didn’t think the officers lokked very friendly. He doubted he could placate them with the offer of a marmalade sandwich. But the man who had first seen him now appeared to be speaking on his behalf.
“Look, officer, we’ve been here for twenty minutes now, goodness knows how long he was here before that, the station has been incredibly busy all that time, if he wanted to blow the place up he could have done it by now and taken out a cohort of police to boot. You don’t really think he’s a terrorist do you? He’s eating a marmalade sandwich for heaven’s sake!”
After much discussion amongst themselves the police finally stood down, the bear was taken into police custody and Mr. Brown went along as an adult responsible for the bear.
Nineteen hours later, having spent the night in the cells and been questioned at length several times during that period, ensuring both he and Mr. Brown had not managed a ful hour asleep at any one time, the bear was released into Mr. Brown’s care.
“You have to come and stay with us but you need to report to the police station once a week whilst your identity is checked and your application to stay in Britain is processed.”Mr. Brown explained to Paddington, but that shouldn’t be a problem because Judy, our daughter, had an underage affair with the Home Secretary so we have some leverage there. But in the meantime we need to give you a name.” He thought long and hard. “I know, we’ll call you Paddington, after the police station where you were first detained without charge!”

Text of terror

When Leif Ersland wanted to return a nail gun he had borrowed, he sent the owner a text message saying “the gun is on the cabin steps.” Unfortunatley he typed the wrong phone number – and the recipient of the message called the police. Officers turned up at Mr Ersland’s home while he was out and spent 45 minutes interrogating his flatmate about whether he was a terrorist trying to set up a gun deal or had enemies. They left when the mix-up was explained.

Lief should thank his lucky stars he was in Finland. In Britain people have been shot in the head for less.