It’s only a phone FFS

from The Examiner:

open pit toiletA Chinese open pit toilet – source: shutterstock / NY Post

“A strange and tragic story comes to us from China where it is reported, two people were killed and several others were injured after a woman dropped her cell phone into a open-pit toilet. Fox 8 reported on June 8, 2014, that an unnamed woman in Xinxiang City, China, dropped her new smart phone into a sewer pit and those that tried to help her ended up perishing.

The woman’s husband attempted to retrieve the phone, worth an estimated $320, from the toilet, but was overcome by the stench and gasses in the toilet pit and lost consciousness and fell in.

At that point, the man’s mother dove into the pit to try and save her son, but she also passed out due to the fumes.

From here, the woman that dropped the phone tried to save both her husband and mother-in-law. She also lost consciousness and other people arrived and tried to help.

In the end a total of six people needed to be rescued from the open-pit toilet including the woman’s father-in-law and two friends. All fell unconscious after being lowered in on a rope.

The woman’s husband and his mother both had a pulse when they were pulled from the toilet, but after waiting more than an hour for medical assistance to arrive, they ending up passing away in the hospital.

OK for the safety of yourself and your loved ones; a) Never go in a public toilet in China, b) look at the picture below and repeat one hundred times,

“It’s only an effing phone.”

its only a phone

Constipated? The Turdle Will Be A Moving Experience

You have to love the creativity of get rich quick merchants inventors looking for ways to benefit humankind … especially if you are the type of person who has to strain for ten minutes before things start moving.

An American team of innovators have come up with a clever, easy to use device that will have you dunging copiously in a matter of seconds. Shaped like a half-cylinder and made with a texture that resembles a yoga mat, the “Turdle” requires you to gently lean forward with the device in your lap, creating subtle pressure in just the right place to help you get do what a person’s gotta do (but a surprisinly large number of us can’t.

Not sure about the name “Turdle” it sounds like something a dodgy contestant in The Apprentice would come up with in a task that requires Lord Sugar’s buggers to crack the health market , but the issue of chronic constipation is quite serious.

Millions of people suffer from it, and they often either end up addicted to chemical laxatives and wearing a colostomy bag a or spending inordinate amounts of time on the toilet, straining and possibly ending up trying to seaparate their tonsils from their Farmer Giles.

The Turdle solves the problem in a totally different way: A gentle pressure massage stimulates your large intestine and supports your natural peristaltic action for achieving elimination!

See a doctor demonstrating the turdle

House Of Lords

My Uncle Alan used to have a sign on the toilet door, “House Of Lords.”

I mention this only to lead into a comment about a news story I read over the weekend. It seems the ‘House Of Lords’ in the House Of Lords contained in The Palace Of Westminster, where the great and good gather to male and break the law, is to get a makeover as a cost to us long suffering taxpayers of £100,000.

They’re talking the piss aren’t they?

Bangladesh Boggart

It seems that a factory in Bangladesh is being haunted by a ‘ghost’ that has been living inside of a toilet. Thousands of workers are now protesting the haunted site.

The wholly reliable Who Forted blog reports that thousands of workers at a factory in Bangladesh downed tools and rioted earlier this week, demanding that a ghost be removed from their building. Since then Boggart hysteria has spread to other factories and even beyond the capital.

It all began when a female worker said she felt sick and attributed her condition to “an attack by a ghost” inside a toilet in the women’s washroom. Sick? Could this be a phantom pregnancy we are talking about?

News reports state that more than 3,000 frightened workers at a plant in Gazipur protested, with dozens of them vandalizing the factory before the police were called in to use tear gas to bring the situation under control.

Similar events have occurred elsewhere in Bangladesh in recent weeks, with hundreds of workers in the capital of Dhaka and other factory towns complaining of feeling ill with no apparent cause after visiting the toilet.

Far be it from us to cast aspersions on living conditions in Bangladesh but it does strike us that visiting a toilet in any third world country would be enough to make a lot of people feel sick.

Medical authorities were equally sceptical and concluded that most of these cases were due to mass hysteria, also known as “Mass Sociogenic Illness”. Mass hysteria often begins when individuals under stress convert that stress into physical ailments. My guess would be the stress caused by the appalling working conditions and the stink in third world bogs.

Full story on Who Forted
Audio report on You Tube.

New Two Flies Rule For Chinese Toilets

We know the Chinese government can be a bit weird and control freaky but this new law limiting the number of flies in a Chinese public toilet for men is bizarre even by their standards.

The first thing that came to my mind was what if the lads have been for a beer, had ten, and all want a wee. Are the authorities saying there should be an orderly queue. I know when me and my mastes were younger there would have been as rigby scrum. And several of us would have pressed the wall into service.

Now some might think that only allowing two flies in a toilet at once is a move aimed at stamping out cottaging but no, it turns out the Chinese government are talking about the winged, nasty kind of flies.

The new rules, set by the Beijing Municipal Commission of City Administration and Environment, also include standards on odour, demands for the number of pieces of discarded rubbish – no more than two – and that discarded items should not be left for more than half an hour. Well in Boggart Blog’s humble opinion items discarded in a toilet should be flushed away immediatey but what do we know about Chinse customs and traditions. It might be a religious obligation for Chinese to return to the toilet to comtemplate their jobbies for several days.

It is not clear what penalties will be imposed on flies congegating in groups of three or more. Installing Venus fly trap plants or stinking corpse lilies or even a few domesticated lizards to eat them is a possibility as is installing movement sensors so that when more than two small, buzzing insecta are detected a cloud of insecticide is realease.

This will no doubt enrage the human rights for flies brigade, but sometimes we have to balance fairness with a commitment to hygiene.

Online critics of the move raised questions as to whether officials will visit lavatories to count flies or simply send in SWAT teams.

In February, a Chinese woman launched an “Occupy” movement – in the men’s lavatory – in protest at waiting times.

Fed up with long queues for ladies, Li Tingting led 20 women into a men’s public bathroom in the southern city of Guangzhou carrying colourful placards calling for equal waiting times for both sexes.

We hope the flies will not adopt a similar response.

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No flag, no country

Potty Training forSwansea University students

We knew the dumbing down policy of the past twenty five years had succeeded in dumbing down pupils in the educations system a very long way but this story suggests things have gone a tad too far.

We learned today that potty training is having to be provided for students at Swansea University. Not, thankfully, as a degree course butfor reasons of basic hygiene.

You think I jest? Cop a look at this latest visual aid for use of dyslexic students who are taken short.

toilet-trained-students

Now those irate public service union members who viciously attaked Boggart Blog when we suggested something similar was needed on the backs of toilet doors in government and local council office can eat their words (along with anything they might have left on the toilet seat. The public sector is second only to MacDonalds in recruiting new graduates.

This post is dedicated to my Uncle Bob who in WW2 was a bomb aimer on Lancaster Bombers.

Toilet Paper Tigers.

Americans like to tell us theirs is the most powerful and richest nation in the world, that their military is invincible (???) and their standard of living second to none. While all these claims can be disputed there is one area in which America’s superiority cannot be questioned. They use twice as much toilet paper per head (or whatever) than any other nation. And they demand only the best quality, super-soft, super-thick, super-absorbent brands made from lots of freshly cut young trees.

The bottom line is America’s arseholes are more damaging to the environment than their gas – guzzling SUVs.

So what’s the crack with toilet paper you might well ask? Have Americans a deep seated psychological need to polish their bottoms? It is another manifestation of that exaggerated sense of entitlement that grips so many of them, are they thinking “Who give a damn about the environment, I’m going to use as much bog roll as I can stuff up my crack? Or is it simply that Americans do sloppier poo that any other nationality?

Actually the reason why American’s are toilet paper tigers is really simple. Because of the national obesity epidemic they have have by far the biggest arses.

More humour every day from Boggart Blog

Environment friendly, human hostile railway travel.

This is not going to help encourage people to use public transport.

A passenger on a French train had to be rescued by firemen after having his arm sucked down the on-board toilet. The 26-year-old victim was trapped when he tried to fish out his mobile phone, which had fallen into the toilet bowl, and fell foul of the suction system. The high-speed TGV train had to stop for two hours while firemen cut through the train’s pipework. The man was carried away by emergency services, with the toilet still attached to his arm.

You might say life dealt him a shitty hand.

More humour every day from Boggart Blog

Not The Sunday Morning News

Front page of one of the screaming red tops was a picture of a wide eyed George Michael with the headline,

GEORGE MICHAEL ON CRACK
Star arrested in toilet in park at 2am

Well hell, is the pope catholic?

It really does raise the question of whether it was an anatomical crack or the chemical kind.
Given George’s past history we have no way of knowing, probably both, judging by the expression on his face.

AND on the topic of substance inhalation I spotted this intriguing item.
As sally is red hot on literature and drug related stories are always good for puns I thought I ought to link it :- Ian
The Jolly Return Of Sniffups

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