Hypocrites: Green Party Voters Take Most Long Haul Holiday.s

I was going to give blogging a rare miss today (trouble with mobile technology is it follows you everywhere) and have a quiet weekend but I just had to post on this story of hypocrisy and double standards from followers of a left wing party who are always telling us we must reduce our carbon footprint. no surprise of course, we’d actually be shocked if lefties showed any sign of honesty or even awareness of the double standards they operate.

In spite of The Green Party’s professed affection for the environment and hatred of CO2 emissions, their penchant for rope sandals and hemp knickers (designed by Versace or Armani of course, and expensive enough to reassure the leftie poseurs of their status) Green Party supporters are most likely to book a long-haul holiday, flying thousands of miles round the globe so they can patronizingly lecture people who cook over dried dung fires on the need to reduce Carbon dioxide emissions.

The survey by website Travelzoo (details not available online – h/t our travel expert and marathon girl Cleo Hart who works for a firm that arranges very expensive, CO2 intensive jollies for rich people) found that Green Party supporters were more likely to book a gas-guzzling hire car rather than take a bus or tram and were most likely to steal hotel toiletries (which isn’t climate relevant but shows what a bunch of twunts Greens and lefties are).

Travelzoon questioned 3,000 Brits about their travel habits and political allegiance. UKIP supporters were the most likely to prefer a hot a destination, with 90 per cent of them admitting to being sun-seekers, however they were much less likely than Conservatives so go for luxury holidays, preferring budget breaks instead (Coz they’re real people who are no so insecure or self loathing they have to pretend to care about third world peasants and polar bear to court the Facebook likes that give them self-esteem.

Meanwhile, Liberal Democrats were most likely to book a cruise and Labour supporters most likely to go all-inclusive (What? Labour, the party of the working class, don’t make their supporters take holidays at Mrs. Vinegartit’s Charnel House B & B in Carbuncle on the Groyne – disgraceful.).

Louise Hodges of Travelzoo said: “We were very surprised to see that Green Party supporters are the most likely to fly long-haul. Perhaps less surprising was the tourist profile of a typical UKIP supporter, which appears to be that of a sun-loving, bargain-seeking traveller who likes an English breakfast and is more inclined than others to speak English when abroad.”

Well if you are not going to vote UKIP I suggest you STF up about green issues, you hypocrites, or perhaps just fuck the fucking fuck off because we are sick of you habitual polluters telling us we must do as you say, not as you do. And on your way, redistribute wealth by giving all you money to hard up Third World Tyrants; they need a bit of help with the task of slaughtering half their people . Welcome to planet refuckingality.

And you elitists who talk about ‘making the world fairer’, us little people, you know, we can’t afford to jet off round the world so we aren’t happy at being told we should give up our budget holidays to help ‘the poor’. So really its down to you overpaid, underemployed, hand wringing, breast beating, wailing, gnashyteething, breastbeating do gooders. Try practicing what you preach for a change.

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PhD Scientist Published Academic Paper On Locating Time Travellers

Let’s face it, most of us don’t know a lot about Time Travel beyond what we have learned from watching Doctor Who. But it seems some scientists are getting quite excited about it. Brian Cox PhD (which stands for Phenomenally Dumb) is quite convinced it is possible to travel forward in time but not to get back.

That is great news, now all we need is for someone to develop a system capable of transporting the irritating bell end a million years into the future.

doctor who tardis
Source: blogspot commons

But barmy Brian is not the only mad scientist who thinks Doctor Who is a travel documentary like those things Michael Palin does. Some people who want us to take them seriously think there are time travellers amongst us (this is nothing to do with David Icke BTW). According to a real study conducted by pair of physics professors at Michigan Technical University, there may be a way to locate time travelers—and it involves Twitter.

Just for the sake of argument, let’s pretend time travel is possible. Wouldn’t we know about it? Wouldn’t we be aware that we had just sat next to Oscar Wilde on the bus, or been chatting to Isaac Newton at the bar? The fact that we aren’t aware of any time travelers ought to suggest there aren’t very many rattling around in the infinite, eternal universe.

And human nature being what it is, you can bet some irresponsible scientific fucker would nip back to prehistoric time and infect mitochondrial Eve, the one woman from whom, according to some different mad scientists, we are all descended. Of course if this happened none of us would have been born so we would not know about it.

Published last month while critical sectors of the media were busy with their Christmas jollies, ‟Searching the Internet for evidence of time travelers” is a serious minded attempt to find real-world Marty McFlys by searching for information online that couldn’t have been posted without foreknowledge of the future.

Don’t laugh, it’s true. back in November I was reading that peter Capaldi was going to be the next Doctor Who. And in August I stumbled on a Tweet that said the weather would soon be getting cooler. Time is not what we think it is.

‟Were a time traveler from the future to access the Internet of the past few years, they might have left once-prescient content that persists today,” the authors speculate. ‟Alternatively, such information might have been placed on Internet by a third party discussing something unusual they have heard. Such content might have been catalogued by search engines such as Google…or Bing…or remain in posts left on Facebook…Google Plus…or Twitter.”

The future of humanity posted on Twitter – yeah, right.

Having visited the future on your behalf the Boggart Blog science correspondent predicts that if we do not close the universities and get the poor, mad clowns responsible for wasting our hard earned on this kind of shit back into padded cells so they are no longer a danger to themselves and others, they will surely destroy civilisation – or at least intelligent thought.

Whoa There, Fiat, This Is A Family Newspaper

So there I was just flicking through BBC’s copy of the Independent when I came across an item advertizing the Fiat 500.
The blurb went something along the lines of “We’ve made our little car a bit bigger so if you have a family you can still have a cinquecento.”

But then it continued that if you didn’t have a family you might like to park up somewhere private and get down to the business of trying to create one.

What???

This is a family newspaper!

Aren’t these organs of information dissemination meant to be a little bit responsible?

Should they really be featuring ads encouraging such wanton behaviour in public?

Or is it safe advertising your cars capacity for flagrant fornification as long as it comes in the poly-bagged section?

A couple of days later we followed a bus with the following advert displayed on the back,

“Child restraints in cars save lives.”

Perhaps for all Cinquecento drivers that should read,
“Restraint in cars saves births.”

Is That An Offensive Weapon Or Are You Just Pleased To See Me?

A passenger at San Francisco airport was subjected to a “thorough search” after security personnel noted a long protruberance down his left thigh, which they assumed to be an offensive weapon.

The search revealed that Mr. Jonah Falcon was not a nascent terrorist but merely the owner of the world’s largest penis.

Mr. Falcon explained, “I had my stuff strapped to my left thigh. One of the guards asked if my pockets were empty and I said ‘Yes It’s my dick.'”

Whilst well endowed in certain departments it is obvious that Mr. Falcon is not a master of one line put downs.

Magic In Barnsley

Barnsley is magic!

It must be.

Here’s the proof.

In Toy Story Buzz Lightyear, a magical toy, declares “To infinity and beyond!”

Peter Pan, the very magical lost boy of Never Never Land, gives these simple directions to the merely mortal Peter and Wendy,

“Right at the North Star and straight on till morning!”

Barnsley has a roadsign up.

“Roadworks!

Dodworth Road to the end of March.”

Oooh I could drive along there and end up in April.

Magic!

Marmite! You Either Love It Or Hate It!

Hubby rises at 5.15am as he has to travel to Leicestershire this morning.He’s off on his way at just gone six, plenty of time to get there.
Quarter past seven he still hasn’t made it to J34, Meadowhell,which usually takes about 10 to 15 minutes, traffic’s all snarled up.
We turn on the radio for an update.
A tanker has overturned between J33 and J32 and spilt 20 tons of Marmite onto the motorway, closing both carriageways.

Marmite! You either love it or hate it!

Don’t think I’ll be suggesting toasted crumpets with marmite for breakfast tomorrow!

No "Rough Music" In Wetwang

Went to the seaside on Sunday, well for a walk along the cliff tops at Flamborough Head, then back to the cafe for superb fish and chips – but as we had left BBC in charge of knocking up Sunday dinner to be ready upon our return we only had, my dear old Mum would be proud of me, one portion and two plates.

Lovely drive there, along the A166, through lots of quaint little villages, one place even boasted a genuine Open All Hours Arkwrightesque hardware and grocer’s shop.

And nearly every village we meandered through greeted us with a sign displaying the white rose of Yorkshire, the name of the village and the information that Wetwang fr’instance, “welcomed careful drivers”.

But they didn’t.

We drove through each village carefully and in not one did we receive any sort of welcome at all, although I daresay Arkwright would have been happy to charge me for a ch-ch-ch-cheery hhhhhhhhello.

There wasn’t any bunting, nobody lining the roadside waving flags, neither cheering nor clapping, no little street urchins happily trying to keep pace with our carefully driven Audi TT, no words of encouragement daubed in white paint on the tarmac. Not a sausage. Zilch. Nada.

I was a bit disappointed because I had been looking forward to the opposite greeting that a careless driver might receive.

Jeers and abuse, rotten egg throwing, heckling, pitch forks being waved and perhaps even a dentally challenged old farmer aiming his trusty twelve bore at the careless mescreants.

Perhaps we would even see some rough music, as the feckless sped through the village, mounting kerbs, knocking over dustbins, causing old ladies to hurry out of the way, gangs of villagers would pursue them down the road, banging away on old pans with sturdy kitchen utensils.

That’d show them, they’d think twice about driving carelessly through Wetwang the next time.

If Only…..

Ryanair To Let Passenger Fly Planes?

As the recession grinds on the travel business is increasingly hard hit. Holiday firms are going bust at a rate of about one a week, even cutting prices below cost is not encouraging cash strapped punters to book holidays and rumours are flying around suggesting several major airlines are threatened with bankruptcy.

Among all this mayhem there is one success story however. Budget airline Ryanair go from strength to strength thanks to their ruthless commitment to efficiency and radical cost cutting measures. Everybody has heard of Ryanair’s £1 flights but few who have not travelled with them know about the £500 in flight snacks and the £20 charge to visit the toilet while airborne. Who among us could fail to recognize the sheer business genius of offering passengers cheap one way fares to popular destinations then making them sign over their home before they can get on a return flight.

Ryanair’s latest cost cutting scheme is an example of the kind of radical thinking we need get the global economy out of recession. The airline plans to abolish the role of co pilot and let trolley dollies fly the planes.

A spokesman for the company told Boggart Blog, “The co – pilot is only needed during take off and landing and as cabin crew cannot serve drinks or sell duty free while those manoeuvres are in progress their time is wasted. We plan to give stewards and stewardesses full training on and make sure they are earning their salary all the time they are in the air. Paying people to sit on their arses is no way to run a business.

According to a corporate press release the cabin crew will be given access via their laptops and an internet link to a flight simulator game and will not be allowed to take the controls of a real plane until they have reached level seven.

When asked about further rumours that the company is planning to make all flight crew redundant and let passengers fly themselves our contact said, “This is not definite yet but is a very real possibility. Most of the business of flying is done by computers these days so paying some bastard a big fat salary to make announcements over the PA system is becoming a bit of an expensive luxury. Flying a plane is not big and its not clever. Pilots have far too high an opinion of themselves. Anyone who can drive a smart phone can fly a 747.

Apple Computer, makers of iPhone, the market leading smart phone have announced a business partnership with Ryanair and revealed they are ready to launch three apps for wannabe do it yourself flyers, iFly, iLand and iHit-turbulence-and-crap-myself.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Hand Wringing Left and the Plight Of The Pensioners

As the handwringing continues over some of the cuts in public spending that “will force pensioners into poverty” is still the big talking point on left wing blogs that take themselves too seriously it continues to dominate our thoughts in the Boggart Blog office too.

My Brother in law, who at 70 is of pension age was up this morning for his once a month visit from the Grandiose Duchy of Cheshire. He does not travel by bus using his free travel pass of course, if he did so he would not be arriving home in time to set off for next months visit. No, he drives up a a very smart Ford Mondeo.

“Me get a bus?” he exclaimed in surprise when asked how the cuts would affect him as a pensioner. “Why would I want to rub shoulders with the kind of nutters who travel by bus in Chester, or here in Lancashire for that matter?”

He speaks the truth, who can forget Jasper Carrott’s immortal monologue on bus travel describing how the lone bus traveller is a magnet for the nutter with the carrier bag. Or even worse the one who smells of piss, probably because they have just come from the local swimming pool.

The fact is not all pensioners are on the bread line by a long chalk.

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