The Ideal Job – Or Not

Some of us might think being a wine or ber taster or a quality control tester in the johnny factory was the dream job. To someone with a sweet tooth however the job of chief oompah – loompah Sorry I promised myself no Willie Wonka jokes) cholcolate taster must have seemed like a dream coime true.

Not so for forty seven year old Angus Kennedy who had to quit his £30,000-a-year dream job when docors warned his cholesterol level was becoming “dangerously high”.

His work required him to gobble up to 2lbs of weird and wonderful goodies – like cocoa-covered ants and aphrodisiac lollipops – every day.

Manufacturers – including Mars and Nestle – relied on his experience and sophisticated palate to sample new treats ahead of production.

Father-of-five Angus would then write about the products in the trade journal Kennedy’s Confection.

We find this story a tad suspect, in fact when we learned that the chief chocolate muncher’s weight had “ballooned” to thirteen and a half stone in the space of two years we were damn sure it was made up by a committee of bansturbators.

Thirteen and a half stone is not that heavy. In fact compared to the 63 stone teenager we blogged on a few weeks ago Angus is a featherweight. But when you have politically correct idiots out there who can tell Olympic athlete Jessica Ennis she is fat, what chance to normal people have.

We think the banstirbators invented or grossly exaggerated this story as revenge fro the recent news from Australian scientists that eating chocolate is good for us.

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What Planet Do They Live On

I used to think it was only politicians and scientists who had never set foot on planet Reality but alas it seems our athletics establishment are also members of an alien species.

One particular blabbermouth has outed the rest as a bunch of shape shifting lizard – men by citicising our leading female athelete, Olympic gold medal hope and general hottie Jessica Ennis for being overweight.

Jessica’s heptathlon team-mate Louise Hazel was also told she was overweight. Take a look at the picture below. As you will see these highly toned young women do not have a gramme of spare flesh between them.

ennisHazel220_2230196f
Jessica Ennis (left) and Lousie Hazel. Overweight? I think not.

Ennis’s coach Tony Minichello claimed that an unnamed “high-ranking person” within UK Athletics had described the World No 2 as fat. Hazel called the behaviour “disgraceful” and said that she had also been subjected to criticism about her weight by people in positions of authority, including being told she was overweight.

The revelations come in the wake of a promising triathlete Hollie Avil announcing her retirement from the sport, having developed “an eating disorder” following comments about her weight from a coach.

Hazel, 26, said in relation to Minichiello’s claims: “I have experienced it first hand, also from people within the organisation that was supposed to be supporting us and I just think to a certain extent it is very disgraceful.

“When it comes to your weight there are certain ways to deal with it and there are certain ways not to deal with it. Obviously there are a lot of young girls out there who would take this on board as a real critique of their physical wellness and that has really detrimental effects.”

She added: “It’s not a nice feeling to be called overweight or things like that”

“Some people think that you have to look like you are completely emaciated to actually be in good physical shape and that’s not the truth.”

At the root of the problem is the same kind of stupidity as underpins so much that is wrong in society, pseudo – science, in this case the kind of idiocy that tries to reduce human beings to mathematical equations. Health scientists and people who believe in the bullshit spouthed by such window lickers are still besotted with BMI (Body Mass Index), as a measure of heath. And these OCD stricken retards cannot understand that lean muscle weights much heavier by volume than body fat. A pound of lean muscle is the size of a bar of soap, a pound of fat is the size of a football according to independent sources. Everybody knows this except for the fuckwit scientists who can’t get their feeble, mathematics obsessed, little minds round it at all.

Now athletes like Jessican and Louise work on burning off fat and packing as much power into their muscles as possible. This increases muscle density. So these slender, toned bodies will always show a distorted BMI reading. And that gives some twat who thinks he is taking the scientific approach an excuse to have a go at them even though in any athletic contest he could not compete.

Ironically, today a story broke about emergency services having to half demolish a house is south Wales to free the occupant, a nineteen year old girl who weighed in a 63 stone by the time her legs gave out and she could not get up off the bog. (full story)

WTF were all the scientists and do gooders doing while she balloned up to that weight, apart from trying to wreck the self confidence and careers of Olympic hopefuls who are a credit to our country.

It’s time we told all these hangers on and useless fuckwits with their Mickey Mouse degrees in “sport science” from Usedtobeapoly University who have somehow got their snouts in the public trough to fuck the fucking fuck off and get proper jobs. Maccy Ds are always recruiting.

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Food Fascists Spread Fear and Panic About The Obesity Pandemic
Healthy, Active Girl Branded Obese By The Thought Police
Council Put Child, 5, In Care For Being Obese
Parenting Classes Are Not Nanny State, They’re Something Worse
UN says food is a human right

National Most Depressed About Weight Day

Today is appaently the day that women in the UK are most depressed about their weight.

This conclusion has been reached by analysing the numbers of enquiries for liposuction and other fat reducing procedures received at clinics throughout the land.

It couldn’t have more to do with it now being three weeks past Christmas and there being some room on the credit cards to pay for the treatments,could it?

Just wondering.

Can You Change Your Brain

Normal, Fat Or Obese? 51% Of Parents Can’t Tell The Difference

A stunning headline in The Sun today, but not altogether surprising when you think about it.

51% OF PARENTS CAN’T TELL IF A KID IS OBESE

According to a poll of 1,200 parents seriously overweight children are often regarded as just being a bit on the tubby side by their doting Mums and Dads.

Parents in the study were shown pictures of children at a normal weight, slightly overweight and obese and over half of the parents failed to identify the obese children, labelling them instead as “slightly overweight”.

Boggartblog went to interview one of the families involved in the research, The Lardarses and their daughter Cherryade, who at 10 years old weighs in at 10 and a half stone or round about 65 kilos.

BB. Mr and Mrs Lardarse, good afternooon. I’m from Boggartblog and I’m here to ask you some questions concerning your daughter’s weight.

Mrs L. There’s nuffink wrong with our Cherryade. She’s got a bit of puppyfat on ‘er it’s true, but she’ll soon grow out of that!

BB. According to the letter you have shown me from the NHS it seems Cherryade has a BMI of over 45.
The normal BMI is less than 25. Don’t you think that makes Cherryade very overweight?

Mr L. You buggers is all the same.
You come round ‘ere poking your noses into where they ain’t wanted, telling people how to run their lives an bring up their children.
I bet you ‘aven’t got kids ‘ave you?

BB. Well actually I have, but I’m not here to get into an argument…

Mrs L. Ha! A likely story.
You’re just as bad as all them busybody social workers wot keeps telling us little Cherryade is fat.

She ain’t fat, she’s got big bones. She ‘ardly eats a fing really.

‘Er teachers at school is always on at ‘er, tryin’ to get ‘er to do P.E., or go out in the playground for a walk at lunchtime, but she can’t do that cos she ain’t got the energy on account of she just don’t eat much.

BB. But don’t you think at 10 years old she shouldn’t really be wearing an adults Size 16 clothes?

Mr. L. She’s quite mature for ‘er age is our Cherryade. There’s nuffink wrong with wearing more sofisticated clothing.
She don’t like stupid little girl fings anymore. She’s out-grown that sort of fing.
Jus’ like she doesn’t like My Little Pony anymore. She wants to sit and watch Desperate Housewives or Sex and the City.
And she doesn’t eat Kids Meals anymore eever, she likes proper grown up food like KFC. Whopper burgers, large Coke and fries that’s ‘er favourite.
And yes we do spoil ‘er a little bit, but so does every parent, probably even the Anti-fat Nazi Social Workers wot is always coming around ‘ere threatening us wiv taking little Cherryade off of us cos we can’t look after ‘er proper.

I never ‘eard such a load of twaddle in all me born days.

Now they say she is obese. They say we is bad parents cos we don’t see that she is obese.

But I’ll tell you what, you must be an heducated person if you is a reporter, what exactly does obese mean?

BB Thank-you, Mr. and Mrs. Lardarse for talking to us this afternoon.
So as you can see the headline in The Sun should really have read
51% of parents don’t know what obese means.
It certainly makes more sense that way.

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Lighter Jail Terms For The Overweight

A forty stone man has been given a lighter sentence than maybe following his baseball bat attack on two men, in their own home.
Owens appears to be the man the government is forever warning us we may turn into, as he is morbidly obese and consequently suffers from diabetes, angina and sleep aponea.
Apparently Mr. Owens is afraid he might die in jail.

Funny how he wasn’t worried about having a heart attack as he weilded his baseball bat at his victims after bursting into their home.

Don’t Feed Your Daughter Anymore, Mrs. Lardarse

Oh dear, some time ago the government came up with a plan to weigh and measure all primary school children in an effort to curb the vastly expanding obesity problem in children.
The idea was to weigh and measure all primary school children and then send letters to parents/carers if the child had a weight problem.
O.K. a bit meddlesome but I suppose the intentions were good.
But then it was announced that if parents objected to the scheme they could withdraw their children from the program.
Well you can bet the parents of ordinary sized children couldn’t give a toss so wouldn’t care either way if their child was weighed or not, and, of course, to some parents it would be a reinforcement of their ideas of good parenting to have a child of a healthy weight – they’d probably frame the letter or send it out with the Christmas round robin.
In fact the people most likely not to want to have their childen weighed would be the people the government is hoping to help, i.e. the ones with the fat kids.
And now we come to the letters.
In an effort not to upset anyone the Department of Health has decided to eschew the words ‘obese’ and ‘exercise’. Instead the letter talks of a ‘healthy weight’ and ‘physical activity’. The child’s weight is indicated on a strip which starts at ‘underweight’ and progresses to ‘very overweight’.
Commentators have called this style of wording ‘prissy’ and ‘namby-pamby’.
As a special service to the government then, to help implement this radical new program, Boggartblog has drafted out a letter for them.

Dear Mrs. Lardarse and Significant Other,

As you are aware it is goverment policy to weigh all children during their primary school years.
You have exercised your right to withdraw Chardonnay from this program, a fact we were truly grateful for as we doubted weather the scales could take the strain.
You do not need to stand your daughter on the scales to see that she is GROSS. We have to say we have never seen a five year old so FAT. When she is in class she has to sit at a higher table than the other infants, so that she can sit in a larger chair, as the infant chairs are just too small to support even one of her ENORMOUS buttocks. Even on such a chair she is a danger to her classmates, who risk concussion from collisions with the overhanging FLAB.
We have had to withdraw Chardonnay from class P.E. lessons for fear she might squash or otherwise suffocate the smaller children.
We also feel it is not in the best interests of the other children to witness the ROLLING MOUNDS of FLESH that spill out of your daughters 34d bra when she removes the Tent that she wears to school everyday.
We advise that you start insisting that this LUMP of LARD starts doing some exercise, perhaps move the fridge upstairs so she at least has to walk to get the junk she continually shoves into her GREAT FAT MOUTH.
You should also consider cutting down her daily intake of calories, 2000 a day would be fine, 20,000 most definitley is not.
If you choose not to follow this advice we must warn you that your daughter will end up in the Guinness Book Of Records as the worlds most OBESE child.
If your child does get any BIGGER it is likely she will EXPLODE.

Thank you

PCT Lead of NCMP

More humour every day from Boggart Blog

A Bunch of Lightweights

Brazilian hospitals have been sending obese people to share medical test equipment with horses.When people weigh more than the standard equipment
can support they have to be directed to the Jockey Club, which is the only place in Rio de Janeiro where they have the appropriate equipment, a state
spokeswoman said. Rio hospitals only have equipment for people weighing up to 130kg (20 stone).