Red Wine The Elixir Of Youth?

Yes, that’s what the headline on a story in The Register said:

This is great news Boggart Blog readers. It means by staying pissed forever we can stay young forever. It is nothing to do with alcohol, although that is good for us if we don’t have too much (Hint: When you’re lying in the gutter choking on your own vomit, you should only have two or three more glasses and then stop – well apart from a few shots maybe) The anti ageing ingredient is resveratrol and it has long been suspected of being able to activate a class of proteins called sirtuins that have been observed to extend the lives of certain organisms.

Me. Mrs T, most of our friends and many other freethinking types who like a drink have also known about this for years of course. The French and Italians have known about it for centuries. Why has it taken those sad nerds in universities so long to accept the idea? Well, the scientists have known about it for ages (the science was settled one might say) but were getting paid more to peddle government lies about the dangers of alcohol in order to justify punitive taxes.

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Minimum Alcohol Pricing: A Retreat To Common Sense On A Very Stupid Idea.

Three Beers A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

This is the best newes we’ve ever had in the ongoing battle against the bansturbators. In spite of all those panicmongering warnings from “scientists about how if we so mush as looked at a bottle of beer, even if it still had the top on, we would die instantly or at least bloat up into a 30 stone blob and develop liver disease.

Well it’s not true. Some proper scientists in Scandinavia and Spain have published a report showing that it is not only wine that is good for us, up to three beers a day benefits health too. What’s more beer is full of vitamins and essential nutrients and so counts as one of your five – a – day (that will piss off Nanny State’s scientists ūüėÄ )

Here’s a little peep at the report:

Middle-aged and elderly people can now swap their daily glass of red wine with a cold beer without worrying about their health.
By: Jeppe Wojcik.
Some studies indicate that wine drinkers are healthier than beer drinkers. However, this may well be connected to the healthy lifestyle of wine drinkers, rather than the health benefits of the alcohol itself. Beer drinkers have a greater tendency to smoke and to eat unhealthy food. (Photo: Colourbox)Beer makes you fat and unhealthy.

That’s a common conception of the golden drops of hoppy goodness.

However, new research indicates that this is not actually the case ¬Ė good health just might be hidden at the bottom of a beer glass.

Contrary to the common view, beer has lots of health benefits that make it at least as healthy as wine when it’s consumed in small amounts. Moderate consumption can mean as much as three glasses a day, when paired with a healthy diet.

Along with its many other virtues, beer can help prevent cardio vascular disease, diabetes and …

Why not read this great news for yourself at sciencenordic.com

And as you enjoy your next guilt free beer remember it was Boggart Blog what liberated you.

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Have A Drink And A Ciggy And Save The Country Some Money

If you are as sick as I am of special branch agents of Nanny States Politically CorrectThought Police wagging their fingers and telling you how much money your irresponsible self indulgence costs the country you’ll be please to hear they’re lying.

Get a few cans in or a bottle of wine, a packet of ciggies (preferable contraband because that realy pisses Nanny off) and order pies or burgers or a KFC Bucket o’Shite for supper.

Financially it’s OK to have a few drinks, enjoy a smoke and eat some tasty food. These things done to excess might be bad for you personally but that’s your business. Nanny has been lying about how much they cost the country.

In fact as this post from points out, The Adam Smith Institute smokers and people who drink and eat heartily are saving the country money

RELATED:
Pasty Tax: Osbornes War On Pies
Inflation Threat To UK Economy

Everything They told You Is Bad For You Is Good For You

OK, you’ve seen stuff like this before, in fact fatsally did something quite similar here yonks ago, but I’ve been very busy. And anyway it will still make you laugh and help you feel less guilty.

Everything They Said Is Bad For You Is Good For You.
This week we have seen Call Me Dave running amok with his nudger as his cohorts, formerly Nanny State’s Politically Correct Thought Police and now Dave’s Nudger Wielders until we think of a better name, try to nudge us towards being better citizens, eating more shite and refusing things we like, drinking less booze, smoking less ciggies, avoiding dangerous sports like bowls and tiddleywinks, driving less miles in a less cavalier fashion and being less idle (unless of course being idle is the alternative to driving, boozing, eating or enjoying yourself by doing things the Thought Police do not like.

Well Boggart Blog has done its own scientific survey and found that we all do or have done all the things that are supposed to send people to an early grave and we are all still alive, doing things that are bad for you is good for you. Here are our main findings:

1. Drinking Booze¬Ö

Scientific evidence overwhelmingly shows moderate drinkers live longer than teetotalers.The recent Million Women Study in the UK, which looked at the link between drinking and cancer, revealed nondrinking women had a higher incidence of cancer than those women who had one drink a day. American researchers found men consuming two alcoholic drinks a day had a 36 percent less risk of developing diabetes.

As the old northern invocation goes, Gerrit downyer, it’ll do yer good.

2. Piling In The Calories¬Ö

There is a growing body of evidence that longevity is directly linked to plumpness. In a comprehensive study of weight and mortality, Dr Katherine Flegal from the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that the longest lived people on average were not thin but those who were overweight. This finding has been repeated in many other studies. Increases in overweight and obesity have been paralleled by falls in US mortality from coronary heart disease and stroke. And life expectancy continues to increase, despite the supposed increase in obesity.

3. Who’s Afraid Of The Fatty Foods

Research in the UK has found that high-fat cheeses, such as stilton, protect against tooth decay. They are also rich in cholesterol, vital to the production of hormones such as estrogen, testosterone, and progesterone are. Cholesterol is also essential to the production of vitamin D, which regulates calcium levels. Forget what veggies tell you about their super Рhealthy diet. Studies published last year have show lean red meat is no worse for health than white meat and is the best source of essential vitamins, minerals and trace elements. As for whiite meat, it’s full of tryptophan, which raises the level of serotonin in the brain, which in turn reduces stress, improves mood, and improves sleep patterns.

As liberals we would not dream of discouraging vegetarians and vegans from pursuing such and unhealthy lifestyle. We do think information should be made available to warn them they may end up as rotten toothed, hormonally deficient, stressed out wrecks.

4. Chocolate Is Good For You¬Ö!!!

Few women need a scientist to tell them that chocolate boosts mood, activity levels, and even libido. Beyond that however scientists inform us that dark chocolate may also reduce risk of a stroke or a heart attack. American research published in the Journal of Agricultural and Food Science found that cocoa, when consumed at doses equivalent to two dark chocolate bars per day for humans, significantly reduced chemical markers for heart disease in a group of lab animals on a high-fat diet.

5. Don’t Be Afraid To Slob Out¬Ö

The body uses rest periods, during sleep or while awake, to repair tissues and restore the immune system. American researchers have found that unrelieved stress can decrease one¬ís immunity by up to 40 percent. This leads some medical experts to the conclusion that time spent lazing around each day is a better way than exercise to ensure you live longer. In On the Joy of Laziness, Prof Peter Axt writes, ¬ĎWe always think we have to be doing something but doing nothing [ ¬Ö ] could be better¬í.

Forget the vaccines then, slob out and eat some chocolate (stress lowers immune reactions.)

6. Walk Off Your Illness Or Depression¬Ö

A daily walk is almost certain to make one feel better than jogging or workouts at the gym. An article published in the International Journal of Clinical Practice found two dozen physiological ailments and psychological conditions that walking may help prevent.

7. All in the family¬Ö

Spending time with people one loves ¬Ė assuming that includes family ¬Ė can improve mental health and reduce stress levels. Psychologist Edward Diener¬ís research has found a very strong connection between research subjects¬í unhappiness and their poor social life. Economist Andrew Oswald controversially theorises that better family relationships would be far better for societal well-being than a financially richer society.

8. Laughter Is Still The Best Medicine¬Ö

Whether it is a favourite TV programme, a film, a pet’s comical antics or a friends whose fooling is infectious, American researchers have found that laughter boosts one¬ís immune system, reduces tension and stress levels, exercises one¬ís heart, and releases feel-good hormones in the brain.

9. Keep In Touch With The Real World¬Ö

For most of us, our mood improves when we receive a letter, phone call or card from a friend or loved one. While research in Europe and America has shown addiction to new media and social networking has an isolating and stressful effect American research has found that the more face to face contact we have or the more we use traditional communication methods, the higher our self-esteem and the better our mental health.

10. Power of prayer¬Ö

It would be remiss of us, even as irreverent and politically incorrect as we are, to ignore a study recently published in the British Medical Journal that found the act of praying slows down one¬ís breathing rate and has a calming effect on the heart. In another study published in the same journal the findings showed that superstition and ritual do actually work, improving performances in tasks or sporting activities. So much for those sciencyheads who rail against ‘superstition and magical thinking.’

This is a cherrry picked list but it does serve to show that for every piece of ‘scientific’ advice we are given by The Thought Police, there is a contradictory study just begging to be publicized.

Millions Taking Harmful Prescription Drugs Needlessly
Do We Live In A Designer Universe

Melly Hat Magic Works For Me

OK, I know some people get very tetchy at mere mention of the word magic. These are usually sciencyheads or religious fundamentatlists so they shouldn’t be reading Bogart Blog. To be fair the sciencyhead brigade have been very quiet since the publication of a scientific study showed that superstitions, lucky charms, rituals and a bit of casual human sacrifice to actually work.

Well I’m not one for human sacrifice, casual or formal and I don’t do ritual or superstition (apart from the ritual of the red wine) but my magic hat does work for me.

I did not buy the hat because magical powers were claimed for it in fact I did not buy it. Mrs T. has always had a penchant for buying me eccentric items of clothing and then being embarrassed when I go out wearing them. Thus it was that I came to be the owner of a rather disreputable looking black trilby of a style once favoured by that very disreputable singer Mr. George Melly.

George was magic and if anyone dares to say he wasn’t very bad things will happen to you. Anyway, in the twentyish years I’ve owned this hat I have probably not worn it more than twice a year.

So yesterday we were off to the supermarket to but Crimbo booze and I decided to give the hat an airing because I fancied looking a bit disreputable. I also wore an equally disreputable leather jacket of similar vintage, the effect was very bohemian. During the afternood the hat reealed its previously unsuspected magic powers.

I had gone beyond my normal walking range so we paid for the booze and I retrired to the cafeteria while my wife did general shopping. I had not been sitting sipping my cappucino more that two minutes when I noticed a prettyish blonde staff member looking my way. She was perhaps mid to late twenties, slim, with hazel eyes and poor skin. I’m not a fan of food fascism but if that girl does not get more fresh fruit and veg in her diet her looks will not last much longer. She also had the look of someone who has not expected much from life but has been disappointed anyway.

Catching her eye I smiled as if to say “yeah, great hat isn’t it.” Seconds later she was at my table, a minute later she was sitting next to me, chatting about hats, wine, (I told her the eighteen bottles in my trolley were not all for that night, they had to last to weekend) and other trivia. She told me she had never tasted real Champagne. I would have remedied that had I been alone and she near the end of her shift.

Mrs. T on her return was simultaneously impressed and unimpressed. “Look,” she scolded, “I know you’ve still got it, a fragment of it anyway, but you don’t have to flaunt it so blatantly.”

“It’s not my fault,” I protested, “It’s the magic of the hat. George Melly looked like a toad and he was a minge magnet. He had hundred of lovers”

Magic Money

Last Of The Summer Whine

The zombie of British television will finally be decapitated and laid to rest this weekend, thirty years after the show was pronounced dead by everybody under ninety. The final episode of this ¬Ďnational institution¬í will be shown sometime over the weekend but I don¬ít know when and don¬ít much care.

My dear old Mum will probably dab a tear from her eye as the final credits roll for the final time, she and a few dozen other loyal fans from her generation still watch apparently. it is a sort of act of faith for them I suppose, like going to church on Sunday was for their parents.
It would have been cruel to take the show from them, they have few pleasures left, those who can remember what pleasures are that is. They can no longer reminisce about what a great time they had in the war having forgotten what both a war and a great time are.

The only reason I am aware of this momentous event is because while I was nibbling my croissant and sipping my apple and mango juice this morning Breakfast TV ran a feature on the show. There were clips of long dead actors sliding down Pennine slopes in old fashioned enamel baths or paragliding from a pair of Nora Batty’s big knickers. There were many examples of antique canned laughter. Then came the highlight, a reporter and crew visited the Last Of The Summer Wine museum where the permanent exhibition offers ordinary punters like you and me (well, like you maybe) the chance to fondle Nora Batty’s wrinkled stockings. Alas the lovely Nora (played by Kathy Staff) is no longer filling them having gone to that great sitcom in the sky to join most other members of the original cast.

There they can trade one liners eternally with Sergeant Bilko, Lucy, Mrs. Slocome’s pussy, Terry and June, Captain Mainwaring’s barmy army and Robert Lindsay’s effing family as the dead and those still dying every week strive to fill the abyss that opened up between the number hours that need to be filled on a hundred unwatched channels and the amount of money and creative talent available to fill them.

For me the saddest thing of all about this morning¬ís tribute was the interview with a guy billed as ¬ďLast Of The Summer Wine expert. This poor fuck has devoted a considerable portion of his life to becoming the world¬ís greatest authority on a tired old TV show.

¬ďFuck me,¬Ē I thought, ¬ďwell at least they are not offering Last Of The Summer Wine studies as a degree course yet¬Ē.

But I could be wrong, after all Durham University which is perhaps not the august centre of scholarship it once was, now offers a degree course in Harry Potter studies.

There really is something very very wrong in our post industrial society.

There’s A Guy Works Down The Co-Op…….

Go back a few posts and you will come across the remarkable story of Tommy Cooper’s face appearing on a pie.
Look at the comment thread and you wil find the thoughts inevitable turn to Jesus, toast and pancakes.

Well here is something even more amazing…

The face of Jesus has appeared on one of the checkout staff in our local Co-Op!!!!

It’s true!!!!

One day he was an ordinary young man, spotty, greasy hair, shy, then overnight his complexion cleared, his hair grew, his beard sprouted and he became able to converse with all and sundry without going bright pink.

You want more proof?

Well all of a sudden the once sparse wine shelves are full to overflowing and they never seem to run out of bread even though they only ever have five loaves on the shelf. Wow!

(Note to Walrus: I fully realise that that may be two loaves but as we don’t actually teach anything to do with Jesus in schools anymore I can’t quite remember which way round it is, five loaves and two fishes or two loaves and five fishes…. perhaps I should check it on Wiki?)

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Move Over Jesus

Bottoms Up!

Good news for drinkers Рthe Waste and Resource Action Programme has estimated that Britons are pouring £470 million worth of wine down the plughole every year.

And we shouldn’t be doing it!

It’s bad for plugholes apparently. It can cause oxidisation of the metal, perishing of the plug and other rubber components, all the little bacteria pull their hoods up over their heads and start assaulting each other, throwing up and getting their knickers off in the middle of the main sewer.
Of course I’m being facetious. But what it does mean is that when we say we drink a bottle of wine, we don’t actually drink a whole bottle, we drink 3/4 or 4/5 or some such, which means we are not quite the dissolute, cirrhosis ridden drunkards the government would have us believe.
And it’s not only the bottles we don’t finish off, apparently we frequently leave some in the glass too. So we don’t have three glasses of wine, we only have 2 and a half.
So there we are, instead of worrying about our intake of units we can congratulate ourselves on our abstemiousness and toast ourselves with the dregs of last nights Beaujolais.
Bottoms Up!

The Silence Of The Labour Lambs

Is Gordon Brown a mentalist? That is the question we must ask today. Boggart Blog, as you know, has never shown much restraint in laying into Gordon Brown for incompetence, egomania, and the way he treats us all as if we are as stupid as the average Labour MP.

For those same reasons we find it impossible to sympathise with the outrage of left-leaning newspaper columnists who protest that questions about the Prime Minister’s mental health are a gross invasion of his privacy in a matter the public has no right to be curious about.

This fuss has blown up after the BBC’s Andrew Marr raised the issue in response to rumours circulating in the blogosphere. With the lefties getting their knickers in a twist about a right wing conspiracy and media bias perhaps we should remind them it is not so long since the left was, rightly, on David Cameron’s case over allegations of youthful drug taking and both sides were kicking off about Nick Clegg’s pre-marital shagging around.

The left say there is no justification in enquiring about the Prime Minister’s mental health as it is not in the public interest to know if Brown is a mentalist. Boggart Blog begs to differ. The Prime Minister has influence over many things that affect all our daily lives in great and small ways so if he is bonkers in the head you, the public, have a right to know as much about it as possible.

So what can we tell you? Well, an e-mail made public in connection with a different instance of Labour malfeasance revealed that for reasons relating to certain prescription drugs he is taking Gordon Brown cannot consume a number of substances including cheese and red wine.

The whole list of dietary exclusions affecting the Prime Mentalist corresponds with that associated with an industrial strength anti ¬Ė depressant drug.

Now your Boggart Bloggers, Cleo, Fat Sally and myself would sympathise with anyone who cannot have cheese and red wine. Du pain, du vin, du fromage ¬Ė pretending to be sophisticated is a family tradition.

Life without cheese and wine is merely existence. This would go some way to explaining why Gordon is such a grump and a sulk along with other aspects of his Marvin-The-Paranoid-Android-like behaviour.

So how insane is Gordon Brown? This insane, right. The original e-mail that outed him as a mentalist does not refer to ¬ďred wine¬Ē generically but specifically to Chianti. This might simply relate to the fondness for Tuscany shared by the Nu Labour elite. Or it could indicate that liver and fava beans are kept off Gordon¬ís menu by doctor¬ís orders too.

UPDATE
Brown steals policy from BNP.

In his big speech today Gordon Brown announced plans to deal with the social problem of dysfunctional one parent families. Unfortunsately uber-blogger Guido Fawkes identified it as a rip off of the BNP’s Gulags For Slags Policy
This is going to play really well with the Politically Corect Thought Police who run Labour. Follow the link above and read to the end to find out what else other than Gulags For Slags Gordon Brown and Nick Griffin have in common.

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THE DAILY STIRRER
and don’t forget all the other Greenteeth Multi Media pages…
Greenteeth Multi Media
bogboggart
Greenteeth Comedy Pages
A Tale Told By An Idiot
Ian at Authorsden

The Dangerous Crimpers Of Norwich

As a follow up to the previous post in which fatsally was gobsmacked by the mindset of health and Safety stormtroopers who see danger lurking in everything (except authoritarianism) we bring you news of the Crimpers Of Norwich who had developed a nice little Christmas tradition of offering customers mulled wine during the holiday season.

Obviously the Health and Safety Nazis were not going to stand for that, there was too much risk of people enjoying themselves. “STOOOOOOOOP” cried the ubergruppenfuhrer of Norwich City Counci’l Health and Saftey Stormtroopers, “Can you not see the risk of terrible injury being caused if people spill this scalding hot beverage on themselves.”

The Health and Safety executive deny that they are anti-fun but the fact they have not banned The Crimpers of Norwich from serving tea and coffee but only wine exposes the bureaucrats as liars.

And come to that, if they were in any way consistent they would, would they not, ban hairdressing. Think of the risks involved in letting somebody with scissors in their hand loose near your face.

More humour every day from Boggart Blog