X Factor Shock! New Scandal Hit Zero Talent Show.

The favourite to win this year’s run of the X Factor, 17 year old rock chick Amelia Lily, was unceremoniously dumped out of the final last night amid claims that she is really a 43 year old transvestite. The show was also hit by a new scandal that threatens to overshadow the “fix” claims made in the tabloid press after Amelia was reinstated a few weeks ago having previously been thrown out.

At the centre of the latest controversy were last years runners up, little-boy band One Direction.


Last year’s boy band, One Direction

The boy band’s recording career was launched on the back of a marketing strategy that targeted girls in the 5 – 6 demographic, playing on the boy’s failure to win the X Factor to win sympathy from children too young to have learned that life is never fair and not everyone can win. Simon Cowell, justified the cynical ploy promised parents worried their children were being prematurely sexualiased by assuring the media that One Direction were the Peter Pan band and would never grow up.

Just before last nights show began it was revealed on Twatter that one of the boys has found three dark hairs growing close to his willie. Cowell was reported to be furious and dismissed the story as “a lie circulated by Piers Morgan,” before ordering all members of the band into a clinic to have their meds boosted.

X Factor shocker! Talented Person Is Brought In.
X Factor Is Proof Of Dumbing Down
X Factor – Bird Has The Last Word
Simon Cowell Stands Up For Clones

Misdha B: Start wishing you don’t win my dear

I wasn’t going to blog about the X Factor again this year after the ridiculous publicity stunt of throwing out shit-for-hair Frankie and bringing back the very talented Amelia who should not have been thrown out in the first place.

And I certainly wasn’t going to blog about this year’s wannabe screeching dive, Misha B. It’s not that I don’t like Misha, there is much in her favour. She can sing, she’s a pleasant enough personality and most of all she’s from Manchester. But black girls singing power ballads are part of the format and I like somethoing a bit different. My favourites of the recent crop of girl singers have been Amy W. (RIP) P-J harvey and Adele so Misha is not really my thing.

But something I heard this week made me want to reach out to Misha. When the dates for the X factor finalists’ tour were announced and included the MEN Arena, she said:

“It’s a dream come true. A Year ago I was busking on the streets of Manchester and now I’m going to be playing the M E N.

And I though, “Better start hoping you don’t win, love. If your career followed the same path as other X Factor winners, a year from now you could be back busking on the streets of Manchester.

X factor shocker – talented person is brought in.

Alas poor Kitty, voted off the X Factor last night. It’s bad news for all of us. Now she is no longer banged up in the contestants cells we will once again have to check our garden sheds every few hours to be sure the axe and the chain saw are still there.

Still she is now Lady Gaga’s new best friend. (Kitty / Lady Gaga girl on girl action – YouTube)

(Seriously, I liked her although I have not taken much notice of the show until this week)

But Kitty, though ever so slightly bonkers in the head could actually sing very well. As can young Amelia for whom shit-for-hair Frankie was dumped. Now call me an old cynic if you like possums, but I think I was not the only one who had a slight feeling that Amelia’s return was just a bit too smooth, too stage managed.

The girl was only supposed to have known half an hour before performing that she was a contender again. Yet when she sang the song it looked as if she had been preparing for weeks.

Just sayin’

X Factor shocker! Talented Person Is Brought In.
X Factor Is Proof Of Dumbing Down
X Factor – Bird Has The Last Word
Simon Cowell Stands Up For Clones

Shit for hair has gone

I haven’t been taking much notice of the X Factor this year, even the nutters in the early auditions were lacklustre. Despite my lack of attention however I was vaguely aware there was a bloke who looked like an elephant had shat on his head who was pissing everybody off.

“Why does Gary Barlow keep saying he’s good, everyone knows he’s crap from his silly trousers to the top of his crappy haircut,” I head one caller on a radio show say. Let’s be honest about Frankie for such is his name, take away his silly trousers and silly haircut and there wasn’t anything else. It’s true, Frankie has an ego the size of a supernova and a talent the size of a tic turd.

As for Gary Barlow, we all know the fat dancer from Take That as Liam Gallager once described him has become something of a national treasure but let us not forget he did begin his career in the same boy band as Robbie effin Williams, the only man on the planet who could make Z Factor Frankie look talented. The controversy in the tabloids now will of course centre on the question, did he jump or was he pushed?

Boggart Blog can exclusively reveal, Frankie was pushed so hard the hand prints of the pusher are imprinted on his back. And whose hands fit those prints?

Simon Cowell’s of course.

Gadaffi Flees To Jungle

Colonel Gadaffi is dead.

Oh no he isn’t.

Oh yes he is.

Oh no he isn’t, he’s behind you.

Well it is almost pantomime season. But as the ruling National Transitional Council in Libya search desperately for an idiot who looks a bit like a camel and is willing to pose as a corpse for pictures, the situation remains unclear. Meanwhile in The White House President Obama is reheasing a speech in which he would tell how he personally led that final assault on Sirte, Gadaffi’s last stronghold just as he had led the advance on Tripoli, the commando raid that took out an old bloke whose resembence to Osama bin Laden ended with the fact that they both had beards, and the Tottenham riots. Conflicting reports continue to come out of Libya however.

Some tabloid journalists were saying Gadaffi had left Libya months ago and was currently appearing under the name Frankie Cocozza in The X Factor or had ben sighted pretending to be Edwina Curie in Strictly Come Dancing.

Boggart Blog can exclusdively reveal the truth however. Having crossed the border from Libya to Chad some weeks ago Colonel Gadaffi is now heading for Australia where he will join the other has beens and Z listers appearing in the 2011 season of “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.”

In desperate need of a laugh

Oh gawd, what a weekend. After a terrible week when crisis was piled on crisis, things went from shit to shittier over the weekend. Riots in Tottenham, debt crisis in the Euro zone and America, escalating violence in the middle east, inflation, high unemployment, lousy weather and The X Factor is about to return.

I reckon everybody must be as desperate for a laugh as I am.

Well here’s a link to a page of Tommy Cooper’s one liners.

Germany says no to Eurobonds

Another conspiracy to be outed?

Barack Obama visits Britain, next thingwe know Cheryl Cole is sacked as a judge on American X Factor.

Did Cameron have to sacrifice our Cheryl to secure the right to a fair trial for Gary McKinnon.

We feel a conspiracy theory coming on. The reason given for the sacking, that Aerican’s could not understand Cheryl’s geordie accent does not hold up.

They understood George W. Bush’s accent didn’t they?

X – Factor: The Bird Has The Last Word.

No X Factor to blog about this week which means no easy post that I can cram the most popular search work for the British web into seveal time and pick up a stack of hits after a poor week. Or is there? What about the X – factor Chrstmas number one.

There is nothing in the universe, neither a free bottle of Chateu Petrus, a multi million pound lottery win nor a night in bed with a very beautiful woman that is capable of giving most Englishmen as much pleasure as watching our lads stuff the Aussies at cricket. (I might be jesting here of course, especially the bit about a beautiful woman. Let’s see; Helena Bonham Carter, Laila Rouass, Charity from Emmerdale, Katherine Jenkins … yes there are lots of things that could give me more pleasure than our lads stuffing the Aussies at cricket …) Things have not quite gone according to plan however and we will have to delay celebrating our victory in the test mach series by burning an effigy of Ricky Ponting and seek our pleasures elsewhere this weekend.

Next to stuffing the Aussies at cricket the greatest source of pleasure we could hope for is when somebody shafts a smug, supercilious scally like Simon Cowell. With this year’s X factor having been laid to rest and as usual the talented ones having been beaten by a bloke who can’t sing unless he’s wearing is plasterer’s cap (a return to the days of The Singing Postman?) if we want any fun before Christmas we must stop the singing plasterer having the Christmas number one with his song Gypsum Woman.

Last year a similar victory was achieved when a Facebook group pushed Rage Against The Machin’s record to number one over the festive season, stopping the X Factor one-hit-wonder factory’s anoinet one whose name escapes me at the moment.

This year’s first Facebook campaign, to make 90 year old contestant Wagner the winner has failed mainly because Wagner could not sing a note and he was nasty to self appointed national treasure Cheryl Cole.

There is another campaign by a bunch of sad acts with nothing better to do however. This is to hype an almost 50 year old record by a Californian band to Number 1.

“Oooh goody,” you think. The Beach Boys Good Vibrations? Surf City by Jan and Dean or maybe … no, we could not be so lucky … still we can dream … Wipe Out by The Surfaris.

None of the above. The Facebook group are pushing a record not because it is good but because it is probably the daftest record ever made. No, it’s not Watsa Matter You, that isn’t daft its tragic, No, it’s not They’re Coming To Take Me Away HaHa, wouldn’t it be great if that could be number one again on these politically correct times. How pissed off would the Thought Police be Ha Ha?

The song that we must hope will be Christmas No. 1 for 2010 however is Surfin’ Bird by The Trashmen.

It goes:
Everybody’s heard about the bird
Bird bird bird, bird is the word,
well-a bird bird bird, bird is the word… and so on for thre minutes.

Who would pay money such a daft record? you might well ask. I did when I was fifteen, forked out six and threepence which was about a third of my weekly spending money.

Surfin’ Bird links
Surfin Bird video

And here, just for fun is a link for They’re Coming To Take Me Away HaHa by Napoleon XIV
They’re coming to take me away ha ha
to print the full lyric in my blog would be in breach of copyright of course and I would not make you complcit in … oh sod it.

They’re Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa

Remember when you ran away and I got on my knees
and begged you not to leave because I’d go berserk?
You left me anyhow and then the days got worse and worse
and now you see I’ve gone completely out of my mind…
And …
They’re coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!
They’re coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa
To the funny farm. Where life is beautiful all the time
and I’ll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats
and they’re coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!!!!

You thought it was a joke and so you laughed,
you laughed when I had said that loosing you would make me flip my lid…
I know you laughed, I heard you laugh,
you laughed you laughed and laughed and then you left,
but now you know I’m utterly mad…


They’re coming to take me away, ha-haaa,
They’re coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa.
To the happy home. With trees and flowers and chirping birds
and basket weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes
and they’re coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!!

I cooked your food, I cleaned your house,
and this is how you pay me back for all my kind unselfish loving deeds…


Well you just wait, they’ll find you yet
and when they do they’ll put you in the ASPCA, you mangy mutt!!!


They’re coming to take me away, ha-haaa.
They’re coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa.
To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time
and I’ll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats
and they’re coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!!
To the happy home, with trees and flowers and chirping birds
and basket weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes
and they’re coming to take me away, ha-haa!!!
To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time… (fade out)

More Christmas nonesense:
The Little Cellphone (A Modern Dickensian Christmas Story)
Pizza Noel Noel

X Factor shocker! Talented Person Is Brought In.
X Factor Is Proof Of Dumbing Down
X Factor – Bird Has The Last Word
Simon Cowell Stands Up For Clones

Going with the flow….

Recently some regular readers have wondered why I’m watching trash like I’m a Celebrity and X Factor.

American Satirical Blogger Allahpundit has been forced to take the “if you can’t be ’em, join em” approach too. He explains why:

I don’t want to post it, I have to post it. For three reasons: (1) After multiple “HA” items about the idiotic excesses of anti-Bristol (Palin) sentiment, you deserve closure; (2) the prospect of war on the Korean peninsula is attracting a few dozen comments per post while the prospect of war among DWTS (Dancing With The Stars aka American Strictly) voters is attracting a few hundred, in which case let’s go where the traffic action is … full post