The Real Queen’s Speech Redux

It is well known that every year HM The Queen writes her own speech for the state opening of parliament and that every year The Government goes to great lengths to ensure the draft is lost and Queenie has to read the speech prepared for her by the Prime Minister.

Last year one of Boggart Blog’s unseen reporters managed to obtain a copy of the original and we became the first journal ever to print the real Queens speech. Due to the stringent security in force at the palace now we have not been able to repeat the trick. We decided to reprint the 2008 speech to give you an idea of the kind of thing the Queen might like to have said tomorrow.

So here, exclusive to Boggart Blog is The Real Queens Speech.

MY LORDS LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HONOURABLE MEMBERS, LET’S HAVE THE BEST OF ORDER NOW FOR DAME VERA LYNN, SORRY I MEAN THE QUEEN.

Loyal subjects, mai Government and Ay hev pleasure in in annincing our plans for the coming year.

Do you knay subject and lackeys, evereah yeah I hev to say all this shite about policies and plans? who writes this nonsense. Renewable energeagh, tax cuts, its the same evereagh yeah and nothing changes. If this is mai Government like what it is supposed to be, I’m heving mai ideas made law. I want something done abite the ban on fox hunting. And I don’t want that miserable fakker Brine as Prime Ministair anaygh mare, I quaite liked Bleagh, his ears were rartheagh amusing, they took on a life of their own when he became excited. But Brine is miserable, he hates Corgis and his wife does not hev a comedy mithe.

Nigh Ay’m the Queen and ay do not care for the way things are being done. Fairstleah, Ay want a proper Prime Ministair who owns a Grise Moor. We have not had a grice moor owning Prime Ministair since Lord Hume. It was traditional then that after ay got this poxy Queen’s Speech business ovair with, it’s the only part of the job which I realleagh hate, once it was ite of the way highever the Prime Ministair would invite one’s husband and one to his grise moor for a few days shooting. It made all this worthwhile. Young Cameron has potential and he looks laike the right sort of fellow, I imagine somebody in his famileagh owns a grise moor. So in the coming year mai government will introduce a law banning anybodaigh who does not own a grise moor from becoming Prime Ministair. Then Ay shall sack all you commoners and hold an election in which the boy Cameron and his chums have all the votes.

Once we hev a Prime Ministair who owns a grise moor my government will repeal the legislation that bans foxhunting. Its jolly undemocratic you know, not one of my family agreed with it so how did it become law. Where is the democrasay in thet? I know a lot of you think foxes are rather cute and cuddly, so from consideration for your feelings we tried hunting chavs but they are neither so quick nor cunning as foxes. Nobody complained but it was just not the same.

Finally, we shall encourage servility. Now that the service industry is the largest source of employment again it is time the pooah we reminded of their obligation to be servile. Forelock tugging will be de-rigeur and talking back to one’s betters will be a capital offence. We shall also revive for Corporate CEOs the Droit de Siegneur, Primae Noctis. The CEO of aneagh corporation worth more than ten billion pinds will hev the right to deflower any attractive totty to join his organisation on the evening of the day she starts work. Our entrepreneurs must be given incentives if the nation is to prospair.

Raight, that’s it, you can all fack orf, I’m gaying hame to watch Helen Mirren playing one. I do believe jug Ears is trying to bump one orf and I think he is planning to use Miss Mirren as a cover for the fact that ay am propping up a towerblock in a regeneration area. Litle Barstard, I wouldn’t put anything parst him these days.