Your Father Told You It Would Make You Go Blind.

Sad news for fans of male potency drug Viagra. Research has show that regular users incur a risk of blindness.

Coming hard (oops!) on the heels of a report that the increased stress of modern living coupled with dietary factors is causing men to experience erectile dysfunction earlier and more frequently it will be a bitter pill for the rising number of men who have relied on the drug to jack up their libido after a hard day’s work. Relationships will fail in the face of female scorn that is the standard riposte when a woman’s amorous advances are met with a limp response.

The little blue lozenge has in the years since its launch stiffened the resolve of legions of men as it provided insurance against the embarrassment of sexual failure. At first the Pfizer product had a monopoly in a tumescent market but recently it has faced stiff competition from rival products and from natural aphrodisiacs.

A spokesman for the medical regulatory body said today “we are not calling for the erection of barriers to halt trade in Viagra and do not want doubts about the drug’s safety to become a bone of contention. There is a slight risk to people who use the drug frequently and for long periods. A lot of people see Viagra as the horn of plenty but as with all drugs there are side effects. Users should exercise caution.

Well I have always found a healthy diet, regular exercise and a varied diet keeps me in trim so I am going to have six oysters and some braised asparagus before I shoot off to see my girlfriend.

(This news item was an absolute gift.)

Natural Alternatives

Prosecuting One’s Suit

Prosecuting one’s suit, or pressing one’s suit.

How archaic these phrases now seem for describing the process of courting a lady’s favour seems now. How quaint the word courting itself seems. So why do I not just talk about “copping off?” Well…
A flyer circulating in London’s legal district advertises a special speed dating event for lawyers looking for love. Call me an old cynic if you like but “lawyer” and “love” are not words I can easily associate. Surely people whose entire life is spent examining evidence in forensic detail in the hope of closing loopholes, tying up loose ends, eliminating ambiguity and negotiating compromises can have little room in their souls for anything so indefinable, so unpredictable, so illogical as love? And speed dating?
Anybody who has had the experience of dealing with legal matters will know that “lawyer” and “speed” do not belong in the same sentence, or even the same article. (unless the article refers to the case of a lawyer being disbarred for substance abuse.) Layers are people to whom “due diligence” means sitting on their arse doing nothing for long periods while us poor punters pay them by the hour. When dealing with lawyers things happen “in the fullness of time” rather than now or PDQ.
All things considered then, both de fact and de juris, I must conclude that the entrepreneur who has invested his hard – earned in this venture has behaved in a reckless and foolhardy, but not criminal manner.
What little I know of speed – dating is that people have three minutes in each other’s company after which they must decide if they are up for a casual shag with the person opposite. The idea of a lawyer doing anything in three minutes stretches the credulity of even the most credulous. It would take the speediest lawyer two and a half minutes to shuffle their papers and clear their throat before saying “My Lord, Members of the Jury…” The whole mystique of the legal profession is built on longwindedness, their speeches are full of notwithstandings and heretofores and are peppered with Latin phrases ordinary mortals cannot understand, pro bono ego. Lawyers are not equipped to formulate or respond to questions like :
“Veal or Pasta?”
“Nissan or Jaguar?”
“J-lo or Mariah?”
“Missionary or Spoons?”
but are more likely to begin “bearing in mind that you are still under oath could you tell me, in your own words and without regard to anything you may have read in the press, would Chinese or Italian be preferable for a first dinner date?” and jump on the response like so “You say Chinese, but if you cast your mind back to your divorce, did you or did you not claim that your partner’s obsession with Thai food, which I think you will agree is similar to Chinese, had bored the pants off you?”
Assuming some kind of date is eventually agreed, that would only be the start of the trouble. Imagine negotiating a pre-date contract.
“It shall be understood by both parties that the party of the first part will, on the first date, pay for dinner in full, including wine and tips without prejudice to the party of the second part’s right to withhold the reciprocal sexual favours should the party of the second part deem the party of the first part to be minging, unhygienic or in any way pervy.”
The party of the first part will then be advised that should the party of the second part exercise the withholding of sexual favours clause pending further perusal of the party of the first part’s social and sexual acceptability the party of the first part must have the right to demand that the bill be split down the middle.
Such a love affair would be certain to end in tears of course. Or lawsuits.

UK Speed Dating links.
xdate
slowdating
uknetguide
originaldating
Go on….Go on….Aw go on, you know you want to. Go-on,go-on,go-on,go-on,go-on,go-on,go-on

Love For Sale (with loyalty points)

An interesting news item reports that prostitutes could soon be touting for business in shopping centres in Budapest. Hungary’s Interior Ministry is thinking of allowing some malls where prostitutes could strike deals for sex, as long as they “move to a place of their own to enact the transaction.”

A spokesperson for the Hungarian government says there is “nothing intrinsically wrong” with an entertainment centre without gratification.”
If this is correct then the former communist state could be leading the way to a new area of commercial activity that our traditional Western capitalists have yet failed to appreciate the potential of. Free Enterprise in Britain and

America has in my opinion always been too ready to acquiesce to the moral strictures of extreme religion. How can any red – blooded capitalist be against commercial sex. OK I know it degrades women, it is exploitative, can lead to abuse and some insist it subverts the values of Christian society (I don’t recall Jesus condemning the hooker though…) Let’s stop being mealy mouthed, hell, we are talking about capitalists here, the people who are happy to profit from making bombs, land – mines and napalm and selling them to third world tyrants; people who are prepared to manipulate the financial markets and consign millions of honest, average citizens to an impoverished old age in order to line their own pockets. We are talking about the morality of the rat – pack.

If we lived in an honest world Wal-Mart would be into the brothel business like a ferret into a rabbit hole. Tesco would not be far behind and both would face stiff competition from German cut – price chain Aldi offering shoddy but heavily discounted sex thrills from Eastern Europe. And that is just the low end of the market (I was going to say “bottom end” but that would be open to misunderstanding.)

What about demand from the high class shopper. Posh people’s chain Harvey Nicholls would do well offering refined young ladies from “old money” families, a thousand pounds up front and you fund her habit. Nieman Marcus on the other hand could specialise in the exotic, a Russian Princess maybe (only a few left in the world), a critically acclaimed writer whose dreary feminist tomes do not sell, a fashion model who grew breasts whilst in rehab. thus ruinging her career. Retiring to private place to “enact the transaction” would not be a problem either.

Most malls could install travel – lodge style accommodation on a mezzanine floor without inconveniencing shoppers who merely wanted a few essential food items.

It could all be very discreet and properly organised just like buying any other goods or services. Without the fear of being arrested in a police sting or mugged by the accomplice of a woman posing as a respectable working girl the customer experience would be enhanced.

And of course the embarrassment of paying a lady of negotiable affection for her services would be lessened if you knew she was going to say “thank you sir, and do you have a loyalty card?”

Ian Thorpe, May 2005.
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