Not Qualified To Press A Button

Janice Woodward spent 75 minutes trapped with her granddaughter in a lift at her local ASDA store at Portland, Dorset, after health and safety rules stopped staff pushing a button to rescue them according to Boggart Blog reporter embedded in the supermarket’s head office.

Mrs Woodward, 55, presssed the alarm button when the lift at the Asda store stalled with her and two-year-old Lily Mai inside.

Although staff attended immediately they couldn’t touch a control button to release the lift doors because they had not been trained to press buttons and so weren’t qualified to release Mrs Woodward.

Managers told Mrs Wodward’s daughter who was not with the other two having been to the kiosk that a fully trained button pushing technician would have to be called to release the pair. When the fully trained and certified button pusher arrived he completed a 40 page risk assessment and arranged a meeting with the store’s health and safety officer simply pressed the button marked emergency door release to free them.

Mrs Woodward said her daughter, Lily Mai’s mother Becky, who had to wait outside the lift, was told by staff they could not have helped because of health and safety rules.

When questioned by a Boggart Blog reporter an ASDA Head Office Droid spokesperson said: “Mrs Williams was not trapped for an hour and fifteen minutes, that is an exaggeration. Our incident book shows it was only a hour and thirteen minutes.

These people are just compo seekers, they know damned well if any harm had come to them as a result of an unqualified person pressing that button ASDA could have faced a personal injury claim. Do you have any idea how much compensation claims from people like this cost a company the size of ASDA each year.

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People and Places

Breaking News – Nanny State On Suicide Watch

Reports are just coming in of a dramatic incident at the Palace of Westminster. It seems a mythical woman has been prevented by fire brigade and police officers from committing suicide by impaling herself on John Redwood’s pointed ears.

The woman, whose real name is not know but who has previously been referred to by the media as Nanny State became distraught as David Cameron announced a new government policy aimed at dismantling the compensation culture and the tyranny of the Health and Safety Executive.

On hearing the news Nanny State scaled the crumbling stonework of St. Stephen Fry’s Tower, swung from the minutes hand of Big Ben as she tore off her directoire knickers on which she had scrawled the word ‘CONTROL’ in non toxic, water based ink and waved them at a crowd gathering in Parliament Square below.

“You can’t be trusted to think for yourselves” she shouted to onlookers, “you are all like children and need a bureaucrat to supervise everything you do. These madmen are betraying you, they will allow you to put yourselves in danger by letting you choose to smoke, drink alcohol, eat pizza and burgers and sausages, swig sugar laden fizzy pop from unhygienic cans and bottles and cross the road where there are no traffic lights. Oh my darlings, my little poppets I can’t bear to think of what might happen to you if you are left to rely on yourselves…”

As she was about to jump, intending to land on the pointed ears of John “Mr. Spock” Redwood who had come out to bore her into surrendering peacefully Nanny State was grabbed by a fireman who had ascended in a hydraulic lift. She began beating him about the head and demanding he put her down, remove his trousers and prove he was wearing an athletic support which everyone should wear before lifting any weight. “I don’t want your codlings on my conscience you silly, irresponsible fool, and what’s more I don’t want you suing me for rupturing you. And have you been properly trained to use a hydraulic lift and climb ladders?”

“All part of the job madam, now you just keep still or we’ll both ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

The poor fireman died instantly as Nanny State is a substantial woman and she landed on top of him.

“There, you see what happens when Health and Safety Procedures are not properly followed” Nanny shouted, wagging an admonishing finger at the crowd. A Police Officer then put a blanket over her head and led her away. As she was guided into a police van she was heard to sob, “Poor little things, you are just too dependent to be left to lead your own lives.”

We heard from a reliable source in the police service that Nanny State is being cared for in a special hospital where she has been put on suicide watch.

More humour every day from Biggart Blog

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Political Correctness Gone Military

Bored with the election? We are. In an election that is more Presidential than ever before with the cranks and nutters pushed aside as attention focuses on the party leaders we are being asked to get enthusiastic about three guys who between them have less charisma then leprosy.

So we look past politics to something else today and if we were the Daily Mail or Daily Express we would be running this story under a Political Correctness gone mad headline. If we were The Guardian on the other hand we would be screaming about a milestone in the advance of women’s rights. As it is we are Boggart Blog so we will lead with the banner headline:

WANT TO KNOW HOW FUCKING FUCKED EVERYTHING REALLY ARE?

Yes, officialdom has set a new world record in stupidity. Later today a tribunral will meet to decide how much compensation a young female soldier and single mother will get because she was discriminated against sexually and racially. Experts estimate the award could be in the region of £100,000 which is about What the people wounded in Afghanistan get for losing a leg. But hey, what’s a leg compared to somebody’s feelings.

tHE WOMAN’S complaint arose fromn her being dsciplined for not appearing on parade while on active service. Now in the army failing to turn up on parade is really serious, not quite as bad as bad as shooting your commanding office and of course nowhere near as bad as shooting an ememy who might be threatening to wipe out your entire platoon but who happens to have dark skin, but very very bad. It is all about instilling the discipline needed in combat situation where soldiers need to be totally committed members of the unit because everybody’s life depends on it.

Being on parade is about being where you should be when you should be there and ready to do your job.

Can you imagine out in Afghanistan a British officer (named Rupert or Jeremy – they all are) walking towards enemy lines carrying a flag of truce to ask the Taliban commander, “I say old chap, I know its a monstrous imposition but do you mind awfully delaying your attack for an hour, Lance Corporal Sillytits hasn’t finished bathing the baby.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Seat of Learning? Not For This Teacher.

We hope as we bundle our little darlings off to school that they will learn from sensible and intelligent adults how to take care of themselves in the big bad world.
That may be wishful thinking of course, at least in one Merseyside school.
A story has emerged of a teacher who has recieved £14000 compo. after dislocating a hip in a fall from a child sized toilet.
Had she shown the nous we have a right to expect from techers she would have gone for a full size toilet, injured herself more seriously and copped for a small fortune.