Trans-women’s Milk As Good As Breast Milk, says NHS Trust

Is the no end to this politically correct lunacy in the NHS – no wonder the service is totally fucked up.

Picture: Youtube

The lunatics who run The University of Sussex Hospitals NHS Trust (USHT) have stated in a letter to campaigners, that breast milk produced by trans women (i.e. ladyboy, cathoey, chick-with-dick, jock-in-a-frock,) who were assigned male at birth is as good for babies as that produced by a mother who has given birth.

The letter stated that the milk produced by trans women after taking a combination of drugs is “comparable to that produced following the birth of a baby”. The practice of artificially inducing lacation in biological males was the subject of a complaint last year by the Children of Transitioners, an organisation was founded by a woman whose father transitioned in an effort to provide support for children in a similar situation.

In an August 2023 response, The University of Sussex Hospitals NHS Trust defended its claims, referring to five scientific papers dating back to 1977 and pointing to World Health Organisation (WHO – the genocidist United Nations offshoot that recently gave you the mRNA killer jabs,) guidance and “overwhelming evidence” that “human milk” is better for a baby than formula milk.

It also references a 2022 study that found “milk testosterone concentrations” were under 1 per cent with “no observable side effects” in the babies. The study, on a very small sample of babies, lasted for five months and no long-term data was obtained. So they are happy to make such sweeping statements without any clue as to what might happen five, ten or twenty years in the future? How fucking insane is that?

Our qualified adviser on medical matters tells us for a biological male to breastfeed, they must develop milk-producing glands by taking the hormone progestin. A drug is required to lactate, such as domperidone, which is often prescribed to women struggling to breastfeed, and helps to stimulate the production of prolactin – a separate hormone that tells the body to produce milk.

Sussex University trust created what it called Britain’s “first clinical and language guidelines supporting trans and non-binary birthing people” in 2021.

Within its guidance were assertions about the ability of trans women to produce milk for a baby. We find it bizarre that the NHS strongly advises women (real women that is,) not to nurse a baby if they have had a glass of wine because of possible ill effects but now says it is completely safe to do so if your body is pumped full of drugs that nobody knows how they may affect an infant.

I also recall a Health Visitor warning my caffiene – loving daughter in law against drinking too much COFFEE while breastfeeding as it could effect her child. Where are Social Services in safeguarding the babies doped up, deranged snip-and-tuck jobs plan to breatfeed? Or do they actually support it because Diversity, Equality and Inclusivity? What absolutely sickening child abuse USHT is promoting.

Lottie Moore, of the Policy Exchange, which uncovered the letter, said the trust “is unbalanced and naïve in its assertion that the secretions produced by a male on hormones can nourish an infant in the way a mother’s breast milk can”.

USHT has removed the webpage where the guidance was published, but now links to an external website, La Leche League, which states it “supports everyone who wants to breastfeed or chestfeed in reaching their goals”.

Maya Forstater, the director of campaign group Sex Ma

tters, said: “For a chief executive and medical director of an NHS trust to prioritise trans identities over what is best for mothers and their babies is deeply disturbing.”

Milli Hill, a campaigner for women’s rights in childbirth, said: “Male people, however they identify or describe themselves, cannot breastfeed.”

University Hospitals Sussex NHS Foundation Trust said: “We stand by the facts of the letter and the cited evidence supporting them.”

The other question that needs to be raised related to the cost of these totally unnecessary treatments. With the NHS constantly complaining that they are strapped for cash how is it possible for them to pander to the whims of mentally ill people who delude themselves that they are something other than their biological sex how many people are being denied treatment for cancer, heart disease, respiratory problems, loss of eyesight and other such genuine health problems?

[ Transgender Ladies First ] … [ Health tyranny ] … [ Transhumanism ] … [ Humanitas ]

Impartiality? The BBC’s Blind Spot
The year has got off to a poor start for the BBC Identity Hub, led by Jon Buckley. Despite their clear significance, it decided against including several stories in its coverage. This is a specialist team ostensibly covering issues around gender identity, remember. First, there was the Women’s Rights Network report on trans-identified male police officers’ rights to search women’s orifices, which was so solid it led to an apparent shift in policy …

Heard In A British Court: Miss Trenchard Then Penetrated [the rape victim] With Her Lady Penis
A 19-year-old trans-identified male broke down in tears after a Guernsey Royal Court jury unanimously found him guilty of rape on July 28. Despite the serious crime, Freddie Christian Trenchard, who was born male but identifies as a “trans femme,” was first reported to police in February of last year, though the crime occurred in the summer of 2021.

Just Another Day In Bizarro World: Colonel Forced Out Of TheArmy For Saying ‘Men Cannot Be Women’
Dr Kelvin Wright, 54, had been a Reservist commanding officer with 14 years’ unblemished service, including two tours in Afghanistan, before his “honour was attacked” with a transphobia complaint and an investigation he described as “hellish”. In May, he shared a post on his private Facebook account from Fair Play for Women, a group that works to preserve women’s sport for those born female,

I will get hate mail now’: Lord Robert Winston backs professor in trans row saying ‘you can’t change sex’
After making controversial comments on transgender issues during his appearance on BBC television’s Question Time last night, biologist and science broadcasdter Lord Robert Winston said today he fears he will be the subject of hate attacks from trans activists and the ‘woke’ brigade. Winston, not for the first time, publicly backed a fellow academic scientist who triggered the trans – hate mob last wek by saying people “can’t change sex”.

Doctors Back NHS-Funded ‘Womb Transplants’ for Transgender People

Leading doctors working in the UK’s National Health Service have said they back taxpayer-funded womb transplants for biological males who identify as women and think a bit of surgery and a daily does of hormone tablets can turn them into real, child bearing women. Experts at parting the gullible and emotionally immature from their hard …

Transgenderism and The Left’s Stuggle Against Reality
‘People with penises are men’ – Lit Fic author Ian McEwan takes on The Politically Correct Though Police in the transgender debate. The much acclaimed and highly  respected British author was today facing calls to apologise to those precious little chick-with-dicks like Caitlyn Bruce Jenner after taking a sledgehammer to the politically correct left’s cause …   

Equality Institute: Don’t Say ‘Pregnant Women’ as ‘People of All Genders Can Fall Pregnant’

The politics of the left is the politics of insanity, we have been reporting on this for fifteen years (nine as The Daily Stirrer, before that as Little Nicky Machiavelli. And things are getting worse rather than improving. Every day we hear of some new politically correct idiocy from government or from NGOs set up …  

Homosexuality: As a liberal society we have a duty to tolderate, not celebrate
Even though the government has accepted a very limited definition of same sex marriage the gay lobby keeps raving on about the greates non issue of all time. But in a free society should we be subjected to bullying if we do not show enough enthusiasm for homosexual and lesbian relationships? When did indifference become a hate crime?

Gay and same sex marriage: The Bigotry And Intolerance Of Those Who Describe Themselves As The Liberal Left
With same sex marriage made legal in Britain we face the same kind of witch hunts against businesses that do not want to deal with beareded queens in bridal gowns as the liberal bigots and gay nazis are launching in the USA. As many of us new media common sense merchants predicted, once the principle was accepted in law, nobody would be allowed to opt out of supporting these bullies.

Scientists create human-sheep chimera with hopes of affordable organ transplants
A team of scientists has grown hybrid embryos in the womb of a sheep that contain human stem cells, moving the sci-fi idea of developing human organs inside animals one step closer to reality, and sparking ethical concerns. The development could potentially save thousands lives among people who are in a need of vital organ transplants.SSS

The Internet Of Things: A Dystopian Nightmare Where Your Entire Life Will Be Monitored On The Internet
We have reported many times on the Internet of Things an idea planned by the big technology companies and bevoled of control freak mainstream politicians and the creepy people who run global corporations. Those who love the idea of technology controlling us are cheering the idea …

Google’s Eric Schmidt Greases Skids For Internet Brain Chip Google CEO Eric Schmidt greased the skids for an Internet brain chip during a speech at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland earlier today when he predicted the end of the world wide web as an external concept. Asked how he saw the Internet developing in future years, Schmidt responded, “There will be so many IP addresses…so many devices, sensors, things that you are wearing, things that you are interacting with that you won’t even sense it.”

The Robotification Of Human Society Is being Implemented

Are you ready to surrender your humanity to science, accept having computer chips implanted in your skull that will link your brain to the internet (via a Google server) and let your life be controlled by machines? That’s what The Controllers are planning for you …

Transhumanism: The Elite’s Agenda For Total Control
Robot lovers, indestrictible soldiers with no mercy or compassion, everlasting life for beings that are part human, part machine, genetically modified humans with supernatural strength and endurance competing in future ‘hungrer Games’ style Olympic tournaments: the plot of some dystopian novel? No, actual items in the elite’s agenda for total control.
Transhumanism and Eugenics
We have said many times that the science community is at war with humanity. Scientists are out of control, evry day we hear of some new scheme to try to control nature, be it human nature or the climate. Given what we ought to have learned from all previous attempts to control nature we can only conclude that scientists are insane psychos willing to risk destroying life to show off how clever they are.
Transhumanism: Join The Resistance
Transhumanism, the creation of – or turning us into – part human, part machine cyborgs is generating a lot of discussion and a lot of spontaneous ejaculations in the scientific community as they contemplate having their brains replaced by a computer. There are no limits on the ambitions of scientists fantasies, they even envisage creating robots that can interbreed with us, but how much is realistic?
Transhumanism: They will get under your skin
We seem to be talking a lot about transhumanism, the process of turing us into human – animal or human -machine hybrids recently. The Daily Stirer thinks such technological visions are nothing more than the fantasies of sick minds, but politicians and corporate leaders, ever eager for more power and control, seem willing to stump up infintie funding.
Technology and Transhumanism
Prof Mark Post, a researcher at the University of Maastricht, has spent several years developing a technique for growing meat in the lab. Yesterday, he unveiled the product of his work: a petri-dish beefburger, grown from stem cells. Genetically, it is beef, but it has never seen a cow. The eye-watering price tag represents the cost of the whole project (Google’s Sergey Brin was picking up the bill). The shamburger was cooked via a live video stream on the internet, and was pronounced as basically meat-like (if lacking salt and fat) by a panel of chefs, who for some reason ate it without ketchup.

Artificial Intelligence: Will It Kill Human Society?
The media, the so called ‘experts’ and politicians hail every technological advance as if it will btransport us from reality to a utopian paradise. but does Artificial Intelligence and related internet and computer technology pose theats to human society that far outweigh any possible advantages? Whateve, Google plan to put machines in our place on top of the food chain.

When Algorithms Rule The World
It must seem to many people that technology is taking over the world and our lives. The internet is everywhere and algorithms filter information to control the news and influence behaviour. But is the technology takeover as solid as it seems or are the hyperbolic claims based on some very dodgy logic?

Is Technology Creating Physical and Psychological Hazards In The Digital Age?
Scientific research used to be the area of work that trailblazers, those with an unquenchable desire for new experience and a hyperactive sense of adventure wanted to be involved in. Now those who label themselves ‘scientists’ seem to have become the high priests of an ultra – conservative religion, determined at all costs to block progess that may lead to understanding that the dogmas of the past are just wrong

The Mummers: The Controlling system And The Illusion Of Freedom
We live in a world of deception, where truth is an ephemeral thing, slippery as an eel and shadowy as a spectre. What we are expercted to perceive as reality is just spin and misinformation designed to ensure the elite maintain their control. There’s eff all you can do just get on with your life, say the shills for big government and authoritarianism. But are we really nothing more than slaves of the system?

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Alien In My Bed

Boris’ Government Trying To Bypass Parliament, Introduce Vaccine Passports By Back Door
We warned you this authoritarian government would not let the idea of vaccine passports go and here they are, reported by Summit News (well you didn’t expect to see it in mainstream media did you?} tyring to bring in their wretched “Papers Please” legislation by the back door.

UK School staff receive threats of violence amid anti-vaccination campaign

Government plans to push their dodgy vaccines onto schoolchildren are meeting opposition. On the back of scientific studies showing children are at zero risk from cOVID and do not spread the virus parents, and citizens concerned at this fascistic coercion of citizens to accept an experimental medication are reacting in the only way they can.

“F**K The Jab, Long Live Australia” – 20,000 Shut Down Melbourne Highway In Massive Lockdown Protest
Anti-lockdown protests have become commonplace in Australia since the latest round of “snap” lockdowns began two months ago although you wouldn’t think so if you rely on mainstream media for information about what’s going on in this increasingly insane world. Newspapers and broadcast news channels have almost totally blanked stories reporting the pushback against the Australian government’s increasingly authoritarian measures

France: Thousands of Health Workers Who Refused Covid Vaccine Mandate Suspended
The French government have today suspended 3,000 health
workers who have defied a manadte requiring all medical personnel to be vaccinated against COVID,The Guardian reports. Announcing the move France’s health minister said that many have since agreed to be inoculated now that they had seen “the mandate was a reality”.

Major Study Links Covid Vaccines To Disruption Of Womens Reproductive Cycle
More evidence that COVID vaccine program is a scam emerged today as a study carried out by Imperial College, London suggests a link between Pfizer, Moderna, AZ and J&J vaccines and the menstrual cycle. Some of us have been reporting since early this year on the problems people have experienced after COVID vaccination. Among the problems reported was disruption of women’s menstrual cycle … Continue reading >>>

The Orwellian Vaccine Passport Agenda Relies On The Lie Of The “Social Contract”
There is a fundamental question that needs to be asked when examining the vaccine passport issue, and what I find is that almost no one in the mainstream is tackling it directly. The question is this: “Is it legally and morally acceptable to constrict the rights and economic access of people in order to force them to submit to an experimental “vaccine”, or any other medical procedure for that matter?”

Evil Labour Government Helped Private Companies Profit From NHS
If you live in Heywood and Middleton and were thinking of voting for the greedy, paedophile loving, elitists’ party, Labour because you have been taken in by the lies peddled at the Labour conference that the wicked Tories plan to privatize the NHS, think again.

The science of saturated fat: A big fat surprise about nutrition?
After years of being told saturated fat is a killer and we should avoid it in favour of Big Food products that are the nearest modern chemistry can get to packaging arterial plaque, yet another scientific meta analysis shows the sat fat scare was based of fraudulent science and there is no evidence your steak is harming you.

CDC Admits as Many as 30 Million Americans Could be at Risk for Cancer Due to Polio Vaccine
Vaccine, that great profit driver for the pharmaceutical corporations, are under the spotlight again. This time it is a link between polio vaccine and cancer which makers and medical science has denied for fifty years that has finally been admitted by the US Centre for Disease control. How ironic they have owned up just weelks after the Obama administration granted Pharma corporations immunity from legal actions.

Statins? Our Welfare Or Corporate Profits, Which Side Is Medical Science On?
The propaganda aimed at convincing us that if we throw enough money at medical science the boffins can provide drugs to prevent death is not about the greatest good of the greatest number, it is about corporate profit and political power. The latest scam is to swing public opinion into accepting mass medication with drugs most do not need. It is just a scam to sell a drug the scientists and manufacturers know is no good.

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The Surly Northerner vs The Smarmy Southerner

Owners of a tea room in Keswick, Cumbria, which has been criticised for being unfriendly have rejected the criticisms of the southern wusses who posted reviews on Trip Adviser. To be fair these reviewers were probably not generic southerners but effete metrosexual luxury loving leftie luvvies from leafy London suburbs (Wednesday is labials day on Boggart Blog) like Hampstead or Islington.

Owners of The Temporary Measure tea room hit back at the reviewers by saying they only appear grumpy because they are northerners and do not require staff to indulge in that phoney, gushy friendliness London restaurants demand of their staff.

Now come on, let’s get this in perspective, we are talking about Californian falseness here, people gushing friendly to strangers does not come any more naturally to people in the south of England that in the north.

I know plenty of southerners who on being commanded to “enjoy your happy-krappy-mocha-chokka-jabbalokka-latte” by some poor kid with a permagrin have wanted to say “how can anyone enjoy this chemically adulterated shite?”

And I know one inhabitant of Berkshire who on hearing “We hope you enjoyed your lunch at SLOPS” (not the real name of the place) couldn’t take the falseness any more and retorted, “Do you? Do you actually care? Or are you just fishing for a tip. Because I think if you cared you would not work here serving this crap.”

To which the gobsmacked “server” had to reply, “Thank you, have a nice day.”

My bother has a branch of his business in Keswick and I am familiar with The Temporary Measure. It serves tea that tastes like tea, coffee that tastes like coffee and delicious snacks And best of all, staff who don’t treat me as if I am a lifelong friend but do their job politely and efficiently.

I like to be asked “Are you ready to order,” rather than “Have you any emotional problems you’d like to discuss.”

Emma Smalley, who runs the tea room, has defended her business against the criticisms aimed mainly at her brother John,who also works there, saying it is down to him having a typical surly northern demeanour. Cumbrians do. It is because their ancestors spent a few hundred generations out of the fells in freezing winds and pissing rain minding sheep. Samll talk is not their thing.

Emma said 24-year-old John simply does not possess a “sunny disposition” and described him as a moody musician.

“He’s not mean or patronizing or aggressive, he’s just quiet,” she wrote in response to one review. Good for her, if people want to meet Stepford Wives stereotypes they should go to California. You can get your arse kissed there but you can’t get a decent cup of tea.

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Secret Of Civet Coffee, More Shit From Scientists

Recently in a post entirely unrelated to problems in the trouser department, I happened to make mention of the Amazonian Cockfish the tiny fish that swins up the willies of those foolish enough to swim nude in the Amazon, (OK, I said Facebook chief Zuckerberg was the internet equivalent of one).

Some readers had thought the cockfish (scientific name Pices Bellendus) was a myth or the invention of late and much lamented comedian Peter Cook. Not so, Boggart blog is a responsible publication and not inclned to publish anything that is not true (except for the stuff we make up).

As followers or Boggart Blog are not as well informed as we thought, we decided to explore a few more urban myths that are actually true. Coffee made with shit for example. Now we are not talking about anything Starbucks sell, but coffee that is made from coffee beans shat by the Indonesian Civet. People who have seen the Morgan Freeman / Jack Nicholson film The Bucket List will know of it.

Just in case you thought that Civetshitcafe was another comedy invention we can tell you it is not. Kopi Luwak, which is Indonesian for Nescafe civet coffee (buy some here), can cost up to £51 a cup which is almost as much as a half time pie at a Premiership football ground. Civet Shit coffee beans are often substituted with cheaper beans that just smell like shit.

Genuine Kopi Luwak is created by feeding the coffee fruits to the small carnivore, also known as a toddy cat. They digest the soft fruit and then pop out the hard kernel at the other end after is has been well impregnated with civet juice.

Civet turds

Natives then retrieve the coffee beans from the civet poo, clean, ferment and roast them. Until recently there has been no way of distinguishing the genuine Kopi Luwak from faked products other than relying upon taste or looking at the price.

Now researchers at Osaka University in Japan have identified a unique chemical fingerprint that exists in coffee that has been excreted by a palm civet and proves beans have passed through the animal’s gut.

Their findings may also go some way towards explaining why the taste of the civet coffee is so refined when the stuff bought in coffee shops that has not been anywhere near a civet tastes exactly like catshit.

The findings, are published in the Journal of Agricultural and Food Chemistry.

Scientists breakthrough In Stupidity And Irrelevance

Sorry folks, we’ve been slacking here at Boggart Blog, we haven’t had a go at scientists for ages. It is not that the pointy headed boys and girls haven’t been trying, simply that their efforts to show they are very clever by solving problems they don’t understand and that are truly not problems haven’t been very funny.

The science community must have a new intake of idiots however because to get themselves back in the groove they have come up with a real humdinger.

Researchers from the University of California have made big advances in understanding the science behind one of life’s common pitfalls – spilling coffee from a cup we are carrying as we walk.

The Scientists in Santa Barbara, decided to investigate the physics of moving coffee and tell the world the best way of carrying coffee without causing spillages. A newly published paper entitled ‘Walking with coffee: Why does it spill?’ states:

‘In our busy lives, almost all of us have to walk with a cup of coffee. While often we spill the drink, this familiar phenomenon has never been explored systematically, here we report on the results of an experimental study of the conditions under which coffee spills for various walking speeds and initial liquid levels in the cup.’

Yeah right.

Rouslan Krechetnikov, a lecturer in mechanical engineer at the university, and his graduate student, Hans Mayer, explored the phenomenon by conducting a series of experiments.

They monitored people walking at different speeds along a straight path while holding a full mug of coffee and either focusing on the mug, or looking straight ahead.A camera recorded the volunteer’s motion, while a tiny sensor on the mug recorded the instant of spillage.

The research, published in the journal Physical Review E, found that in average sized mugs the coffee’s natural frequency was the same as a person’s gait, which caused the liquid to oscillate.

The spillages were most likely between a coffee carrier’s seventh and tenth step, according to Live Science.

Following their discovery, the mechanical engineers had some advice for coffee drinkers.

They said leaving a large gap between the coffee and the top of the drinking vessel, and walking slower, prevents spillages.

Well bugger me with a bargepole wrapped in barbed wire, I would never have worked that out for myself.

All of this proves what we have said before, that scientists have far too much time on thir hands, too much taxpayers’ money to play with and not enough imagiunation to think of sensible ways of killing time.

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Shock Horror! Coffee containes small doses of caffeine

OK, I know it’s a non story and you’d all rather I gave you a detailed analysis of the economic crisis, a breakdown of the latest doom and gloom forecasts on unemployment or the predictions of the Climategate crooks and liars on how many climate catastrophes it will need before they get their £100million research grant (Answer, 42) but Boggart Blog gets bored easily.

So we decided to focus on the shock news that coffee from some coffee shops contains a slightly higher dose of caffeine than that from others. The most shocking thing about this reveltion for many of our readers will be the news that coffee from some coffee shops contains any caffein at all.

It may not seem significant to you but the report from the Food Standards Association has caused the bansturbators squad of the Politically Correct Thought Police to get their knickers in a right old twist. How can they monitor us properly to make sure we are not enjoying our coffee while retailers are operating in such a shambolic and unpolitically correct way. Our investigative reporting team was sent out with instuctions to find out who is behind this story which will surely lead to a campaign calling for coffee to be banned to protect us from ourselves.

Here is their report:

A coffee from Starbucks it turns out does contain caffeine in spite of rumours to the contrary. It contains 50 milligrammes (Mg) per bucketsized styrofoam container. This is a dose powerful enough to stimulate a lazy mouse to stroll gently around it’s mouse wheel a couple of times.

A rival chain’s coffee comtained 57 Mg per cup which might seem a lot more until you realise that a proper coffee in a small ceramic cup from Patisserie Francois contains over 350 Mg, enought to get a severely hungover advertising executive through the first two hours in the office.

“This is an appalling state of affairs,” said Mr. B. Zeeboddie, an adviser at the Ministry of Health and Joyless Living, “There has to be a standard caffeine dose per standard sized cup of coffee. Until we have that how can people know they are within the recommended limit.”

Being unaware a safe limit existed Boggart Blog asked Mr. Zeeboddie why it had ben introduced.”

“The fact is,” he said, “Women and men who are pregnant, people with certain types of liver disease and people addicted to thinking for themselves do not metabolise caffeine well so in fact there is no safe limit. The drug just builds up in their system. People who drink coffee are behaving very irresponsibly and will very likely become a buden on the health service.

There are far too many people who have got hold of the idea that they have a right to enjoy life. It is the function of people like me to teach them they do not. Recreational drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, coffee, tasty food, jolly music, sugar and laughing must all be banned if people will not give them up voluntarily.”

Well strong coffee is hardly in the Michael Jackson league for being addicted to legal drugs so what’s the fuss about. After preparing this report the Boggart Blog team sent the runner out for coffee and cakes – to Mick the Greek’s independent coffee shop of course where a standard strength cup of espresso will dissolve a spoon.

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Wake Up And Taste The Coffee

Aren’t you glad all that politics and coalition bollocks has taken a back seat for a while. To be honest we were getting fed up of taking the piss out of the buggers. Still, every silver lining has a cloud and without the politicians giving us a constant stream of material the stories dominating the news, the Gaza aid fleet massacre and the Whitehaven shootings are not suitable for humourous writers, even those with as little taste as your Boggart Bloggers.

No worries though, we always have stories of whacky but pointless research to fall back on and those coming out now seem whackier than ever. Could it be that the mad scientists, miffed at being pushed out of the limelight are working overtime to get themselves back to centre stage. Britain’s Got Science or what?

Yesterday we received a report of a health research project that reports people who rely on a cup of coffee to kick start their system of a morning are deluding themselves. That first cup of coffee, the study says, only counteracts the caffeine withdrawal that has set in overnight. So does the research suggest people go coffee cold turkey or feed their addiction overnight by taking in Red Bull on an intravenous drip in order to avoid that morning feeling? As it happens they are rather vague on that point.

Boggart Blog has a better idea however. Have two cups of coffee.

Simples.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Decaffinated Bullshit

In one of our very first Boggart Blog posts titled The Bullshit Factor we revealed scientific proof that bullshit and not money makes the world go round.

Everything is bullshit these days, even doing something simple like ordering a cup of coffee, you know you are only going to get a cup of bullshit. We always knew of course that those multinational chains that sell plastic foam in plastic foam cups were selling us bullshit when they had to call their dishwater tasting drinks thinks like skinny-minnie-whacky-baccy-frappy-latty or chokka-mokka-jabbalokka-fishwife-goo-goo-ga-joob* with marshmallows. Sadly this trend for disguising mediocre products with fancy names has spread to those old fashioned cafes that still serve drinks in china cups.

We want into such a cafe yesterday and ordered two lattes.

“Do you want double – decaff?” asked the serving wench.

Double decaff. So what do they do with coffee to make it double de-caff apart from charging me extra. Do they take the caffeine out of my coffee, decaffinate it again so I am twice removed from caffeine and then put it in Red Bull and sell it back to me. Red Bull is bullshit as well. It is not and energy drink, it is a lethal dose of sugar and a shot of my effing caffeine that I paid to have taken out of my coffee. Or would have had I not been to smart to fall for their “We only want to help you” schtick.

“No I don’t want effing double de-caff,” I felt like shouthing, “if I want a cup of bullshit I’ll ask for a cup of bullshit. Brink me my coffee with caffeine in a chinas cup, hold the stupid chocolate sprinkles and give me extra caffeine instead and if there are any marshmallows going stick them up your end and give me more extra caffeine. Double de-caff my arse.”

But to have said that out loud would have been rude and the girl was young and pretty.

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More humour every day at Boggart Blog

The coffee tastes like shite

News that coffee made from beans which have passed through the digestive system of an indonesian Civet Cat is selling at $50 per cup should surprise nobody.
Anyone who has bought a styrofoam bucket of liquid from one of the big franchise outlets will be familiar with coffee that tastes like cat’s piss, so coffee that is made from cat shit was a natural step forward for the marketing boys.

Camping It Up

In one of those moments that make you think, “well I’ll be buggered” I learned this week that Camp Coffee has had a PR makeover so radical it has got the DODMRs (pronounced dodmers: Dear Old Daily Mail Readers ) blustering about Political Correctness gone mad.
It wasn’t the PR makeover or the DODMR reaction but the fact that Camp Coffee and Chicory Essence to give it the full brand name is still on the market. People of a certain age will remember Camp of course. Pre Julian Clary everybody knew it was a bottle of something that looked like it should have been in a French Polisher’s kit – the kind of French Polisher that restores antique furniture that is. Your the younger audience it is that stuff with a picture of a kilted Scottish Army Officer sitting on a box drinking a cup of coffee while a Sikh servant stands by holding a tray.
The new, diversity aware label now has the Sikh sitting drinking a cup of Camp too on the grounds that the old Indian servant image was insulting. I’m not sure, if I was a Sikh I would be insulted to think they are suggesting I would drink anything as shite as Camp.
But in for those who grew up in the 1950s, throughout our childhood years everybody’s Granny had a bottle of Camp in the pantry. It was the same bottle throughout our childhood,; nobody ever drank the stuff.
Well nobody except me. When I was a little whippersnapper I loved Camp. You see I was a privileged deprived child. My Dad was a frightful snob about food and having served in North Africa and the Mediterranean in WW2 he had developed a taste for coffee the way the Italians, Greeks and Egyptians like it, so strong it would liven up a mummy. Obviously a child does not have either the sophistication nor the cast iron stomach for such a drink but Dad would no more have a tin of Necafe in the house than tolerate Spam or sliced bread. It was percolator or nothing in our house.
Visits to Grandma’s were like a beacon, she would serve me a cup of Camp made with warm milk and lots of sugar. Heaven.
Camp was amazing stuff, it always had a ring of congealed brown goo around the top of the bottle. Five minutes after you opened it, before you had poured any out, it had brown goo around the top of the bottle. Like my Mum’s gravy browning. You’ve guessed what’s coming up haven’t you?
During a prolonged period of Camp starvation I, being a very resourceful eight year old, decided I could make my own with gravy colouring and chocolate powder (I said I was resourceful not sensible.)
The result was my first experience of beverage induced projectile vomiting. But in a way I triumphed because Mum overruled Dad and bought me my own little tin of Nescafe.